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Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle Hardcover – March 26, 2019
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This groundbreaking book explains why women experience burnout differently than men—and provides a simple, science-based plan to help women minimize stress, manage emotions, and live a more joyful life.
Burnout. Many women in America have experienced it. What’s expected of women and what it’s really like to be a woman in today’s world are two very different things—and women exhaust themselves trying to close the gap between them. How can you “love your body” when every magazine cover has ten diet tips for becoming “your best self”? How do you “lean in” at work when you’re already operating at 110 percent and aren’t recognized for it? How can you live happily and healthily in a sexist world that is constantly telling you you’re too fat, too needy, too noisy, and too selfish?
Sisters Emily Nagoski, PhD, and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, are here to help end the cycle of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Instead of asking us to ignore the very real obstacles and societal pressures that stand between women and well-being, they explain with compassion and optimism what we’re up against—and show us how to fight back. In these pages you’ll learn
• what you can do to complete the biological stress cycle—and return your body to a state of relaxation
• how to manage the “monitor” in your brain that regulates the emotion of frustration
• how the Bikini Industrial Complex makes it difficult for women to love their bodies—and how to defend yourself against it
• why rest, human connection, and befriending your inner critic are keys to recovering and preventing burnout
With the help of eye-opening science, prescriptive advice, and helpful worksheets and exercises, all women will find something transformative in these pages—and will be empowered to create positive change. Emily and Amelia aren’t here to preach the broad platitudes of expensive self-care or insist that we strive for the impossible goal of “having it all.” Instead, they tell us that we are enough, just as we are—and that wellness, true wellness, is within our reach.
NAMED ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR BY BOOKRIOT
“Burnout is the gold standard of self-help books, delivering cutting-edge science with energy, empathy, and wit. The authors know exactly what’s going on inside your frazzled brain and body, and exactly what you can do to fix it. . . . Truly life-changing.”—Sarah Knight, New York Times bestselling author of Calm the F*ck Down
- Print length304 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBallantine Books
- Publication dateMarch 26, 2019
- Dimensions9.25 x 6.12 x 0.75 inches
- ISBN-10198481706X
- ISBN-13978-1984817068
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From the Publisher
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“The wealth of thoughtful, thorough, insightful recommendations here is like cool water for a burning thirst. I relish the idea of people reading this wise book and finding real and lasting relief.” —David L. Katz, MD, MPH, Past President, American College of Lifestyle Medicine
“If you feel overwhelmed and exhausted—and who doesn’t?—this is the book for you. With tasty recipes, beautiful photos, and genius tips, From Burnout to Balance will put you on the path to a life that feels good.” —Maya Feller, MS, RD, CDN, author of The Southern Comfort Food Diabetes Cookbook
“In this book, Patricia Bannan arms you with all the tools and information needed to fight burnout and feel like yourself again. The advice, lists, meal plans, and super simple (and delicious) recipes are a roadmap to taking back control of your life.” —Rocco DiSpirito, New York Times bestselling author of Rocco’s Keto Comfort Food Diet
“Burnout is the gold standard of self-help books, delivering cutting-edge science with energy, empathy, and wit. The authors know exactly what’s going on inside your frazzled brain and body, and exactly what you can do to fix it. . . . Truly life-changing.”—Sarah Knight, New York Times bestselling author of Calm the F*ck Down
“In Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski deconstruct the stress we experience as women, and their compassionate, science-based advice on how to release it made me cry with gratitude and relief. Repeatedly. In public. The book is that revolutionary and its authors that wonderful and wise.”—Peggy Orenstein, New York Times bestselling author of Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape
“Reading Burnout, I knew this was not just another self-help book that keeps us trapped by the idea of female inadequacy. It turns our struggle with stress on its head and paves a meaningful path to what the authors call ‘growing mighty’ by bravely dropping in thoroughly contemporary and refreshing truth bombs, like, yeah, the patriarchal system is the issue, and goddamn it’s time we play by our own rules!”—Sarah Wilson, New York Times bestselling author of First, We Make the Beast Beautiful
“The first sentence of Burnout says, ‘This is a book is for any woman who has felt overwhelmed and exhausted by everything she had to do, and yet still worried she was not doing “enough.”’ (I raised my hand in bed.) Emily Nagoski [and] her twin sister, Amelia, teamed up to write about how to combat stress, and they have a gift for making the self-help genre not make you want to poke your eyes out.”—Cup of Jo
About the Author
Amelia Nagoski holds a conductor with a DMA in conducting from the University of Connecticut. An assistant professor and coordinator of music at Western New England University, she regularly presents educational sessions discussing the application of communications science and psychological research for audiences of other professional musicians, including “Beyond Burnout Prevention: Embodied Wellness for Conductors.”
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
You’ve heard the usual advice over and over: exercise, green smoothies, self-compassion, coloring books, mindfulness, bubble baths, gratitude. . . . You’ve probably tried a lot of it. So have we. And sometimes it helps, at least for a while. But then the kids are struggling in school or our partner needs support through a difficulty or a new work project lands in our laps, and we think, I’ll do the self-care thing as soon as I finish this.
The problem is not that women don’t try. On the contrary, we’re trying all the time, to do and be all the things everyone demands from us. And we will try anything—any green smoothie, any deep-breathing exercise, any coloring book or bath bomb, any retreat or vacation we can shoehorn into our schedules—to be what our work and our family and our world demand. We try to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. And then along comes another struggling kid or terrible boss or difficult semester.
The problem is not that we aren’t trying. The problem isn’t even that we don’t know how. The problem is the world has turned “wellness” into yet another goal everyone “should” strive for, but only people with time and money and nannies and yachts and Oprah’s phone number can actually achieve.
So this book is different from anything else you’ll read about burnout. We’ll figure out what wellness can look like in your actual real life, and we’ll confront the barriers that stand between you and your own well-being. We’ll put those barriers in context, like landmarks on a map, so we can find paths around and over and through them—or sometimes just blow them to smithereens.
With science.
Who We Are and Why We Wrote Burnout
Emily is a health educator with a PhD and a New York Times bestselling book, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. When she was traveling all over talking about that book, readers kept telling her the most life-changing information in the book wasn’t the sex science; it was those sections about stress and emotion processing.
When she told her identical twin sister, Amelia, a choral conductor, Amelia blinked like that was obvious. “Of course. Nobody teaches us how to feel our feelings. Hell, I was taught. Any conservatory-trained musician learns to feel feelings singing on stages or standing on podiums. But that didn’t mean I knew how to do it in the real world. And when I finally learned, it probably saved my life,” she said.
“Twice,” she added.
And Emily, recalling how it felt to watch her sister crying in a hospital gown, said, “We should write a book about that.”
Amelia agreed, saying, “A book about that would’ve made my life a lot better.”
This is that book.
It turned into a lot more than a book about stress. Above all, it became a book about connection. We humans are not built to do big things alone, we are built to work together. That’s what we wrote about, and it’s how we wrote it.
IT’S THE EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION
When we told women we were writing a book called Burnout, nobody ever asked, “What’s burnout?” (Mostly what they said was, “Is it out yet? Can I read it?”) We all have an intuitive sense of what “burnout” is; we know how it feels in our bodies and how our emotions crumble in the grip of it. But when it was first coined as a technical term by Herbert Freudenberger in 1975, “burnout” was defined by three components:
1. emotional exhaustion—the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;
2. depersonalization—the depletion of empathy, car- ing, and compassion; and
3. decreased sense of accomplishment—an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.
And here’s an understatement: Burnout is highly prevalent. Twenty to thirty percent of teachers in America have moderately high to high levels of burnout. Similar rates are found among university professors and international humanitarian aid workers. Among medical professionals, burnout can be as high as 52 percent. Nearly all the research on burnout is on professional burnout—specifically “people who help people,” like teachers and nurses—but a growing area of research is “parental burnout.”
In the forty years since the original formulation, research has found it’s the first element in burnout, emotional exhaustion, that’s most strongly linked to negative impacts on our health, relationships, and work—especially for women.
So what exactly is an “emotion,” and how do you exhaust it?
Emotions, at their most basic level, involve the release of neurochemicals in the brain, in response to some stimulus. You see the person you have a crush on across the room, your brain releases a bunch of chemicals, and that triggers a cascade of physiological changes—your heart beats faster, your hormones shift, and your stomach utters. You take a deep breath and sigh. Your facial expression changes; maybe you blush; even the timbre of your voice becomes warmer. Your thoughts shift to memories of the crush and fantasies about the future, and you suddenly feel an urge to cross the room and say hi. Just about every system in your body responds to the chemical and electrical cascade activated by the sight of the person.
That’s emotion. It’s automatic and instantaneous. It happens everywhere, and it affects everything. And it’s happening all the time—we feel many different emotions simultaneously, even in response to one stimulus. You may feel an urge to approach your crush, but also, simultaneously, feel an urge to turn away and pretend you didn’t notice them.
Left to their own devices, emotions—these instantaneous, whole-body reactions to some stimulus—will end on their own. Your attention shifts from your crush to some other topic, and the flush of infatuation eases, until that certain special someone crosses your mind or your path once more. The same goes for the jolt of pain you feel when someone is cruel to you or the ash of disgust when you smell something unpleasant. They just end.
In short, emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end.
Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.
Product details
- Publisher : Ballantine Books; Illustrated edition (March 26, 2019)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 304 pages
- ISBN-10 : 198481706X
- ISBN-13 : 978-1984817068
- Item Weight : 1.15 pounds
- Dimensions : 9.25 x 6.12 x 0.75 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #403,986 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #1,310 in Stress Management Self-Help
- #1,413 in General Women's Health
- #3,419 in Women's Studies (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors

Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with a minor in Human Sexuality from Indiana University, and a MS in Counseling, also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has been a sex educator for twenty-five years. She lives in western Massachusetts with a strange cat, two dogs, and a cartoonist.

Dr. Amelia Nagoski is a conductor and music professor, in which jobs her responsibilities include running around waving her arms and making funny noises, and generally doing whatever it takes to help singers get in touch with their internal experience. Her students have described her as "passionate, positive, and boundlessly enthusiastic."
In her teaching, performing, and writing, she focuses on connections between art and the experience of being alive in the world, with the expectation that understanding music can help us understand ourselves and each other.
She is the identical twin sister of Emily Nagoski, PhD.
Customer reviews
Customer Reviews, including Product Star Ratings help customers to learn more about the product and decide whether it is the right product for them.
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzed reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonReviewed in the United States on September 9, 2021
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Top reviews from the United States
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There was a lot of truly great content in this book. The idea of the “stress cycle” and that you have to work to complete it was completely new to me. It makes a lot of sense now why I’ve had so many issues with stress in my life, and it’s helped to know what I can do to complete the cycle.
In the last chapter, the idea of the “madwoman upstairs” really hit me right in the feels. I started thinking about it, and it really does feel like there is somebody else in here sometimes, telling me jerky things that I would never say to a friend.
This book has a very liberal slant to it. I’m a conservative-leaning libertarian. There was A LOT of talk about “the patriarchy” and other liberal ideas in this book. It was a little heavy handed at times, but I appreciated that they at least tried to tone it down.
My take on “the patriarchy” is that it does exist, in some form. The authors aren’t wrong. When I’ve encountered it in my life, I’ve chosen to move away from it, rather than fight or complain about it.
I have to say that this book gave me a little different perspective on it. Even though I’ve chosen to move on from the badness, it still leaves scars. It still hurts that the “bro club” of a software company I joined viewed me as a junior developer for 2 years (even though I wasn’t hired as a junior level) and refused to acknowledge my ideas, and when I moved on I doubled my salary, for example. Society says you’re supposed to look at it as, well things are going ok now, so you don’t have the right to complain. But, it’s just never gotten resolved for me. This book gives me permission to feel - a little - angry about it, so I can move through it.
Spoiler alert: this book will help you process things you weren't aware you needed to process. You will be better off for having read this book. I'm sure you will, like me, tell everyone about it!
It shed light on many concepts and ideas that were new to me. One of the most useful was the difference between stress and the stressor, and that you can tackle them separately with different strategies. I always thought that I needed to fix the cause of stress and that would be enough, but knowing the importance of completing the cycle had been a game changer.
I also like that there are several practical exercises that can help you move from theory to action, grounding the concepts with what's going on in your specific case.
Thanks to the Nagoski twins for such a needed breath of fresh air.
Top reviews from other countries
All genders have social ‘issues’ and complexities, but I am increasingly concerned with the socially-accepted emotional suppression for men. I felt like this book reinforced that. The authors seemed to imply that men’s problems can be summed up as wanting six pack abs or to last longer in sex. Thanks for contributing to the idea that men can’t have real problems.
Now I am a cisgender woman, ie born female and identify as female, and I also identify as a feminist. AND yet I am so fed up of the male-bashing fest. Can we please see the ‘patriarchy’ as an outdated system (ok yep originally designed by rich white men) as something that doesn’t benefit many women OR men OR ANYONE these days? And can we please stop blaming each other for all of our woes.
So yes, great contents in theory, but I didn’t appreciate the blame game or the authors giving yet another other reason why men are always at fault.
I disagree with the premise that woman are naturally more giving it nicer then men. Let's use the body shaming example in this book, notice it was the women doing this to other woman. This happens a lot to boys straight from primary school, I have 3 boys and every day atleast one of them have come back to tell me a mean thing the girls said to them about their appearance or even background.
The shame of all this gender biased book is if that was taken out I would agree with 90% of the research and ideas in this book. The practical ideas would work just as well for either gender. However I think many men might be put off reading it after the introduction. I would quite Bruce Lee and say
"Take what is useful, and disregard what is not"
The reason being many of the ideas are very effective.
This is a great book of busting through the silent kill that is stress, if it was not so gender biased I would have no problem giving it 5 stars. I would say if you are going to put a book out to just half the population put it in the title before people buy the book.
In all fairness, the book starts off really well. The authors talk about separating the stress from the stressor, how to actually completely the stress cycle etc. Then in the second section it just gets so weird. They absolutely ramble on for a third of the book about the patriarchy and feminism. Let me clarify, I hate the patriarchy and I am a feminist but it does not give any tangible advice for helping your stress and burnout, seemed like a total venting session. Not helpful at all.
Even worse by the end of the book they tell you to think about your "inner madwoman". Just think about that for a second. Is it in any way healthy to refer to yourself as a "madwoman"? Most definitely not. I rushed through the end because I wanted to finish it but it was unbearable. There are heaps of great self help books out there, this one is not it so save your money. They continuously reference Disney movies which is great if you are between the ages of 5-10. I am not.
On a happier note I realised something positive about myself, that I can actually write a book! If these 2 can write such garbage, I could probably write a better book myself. No joke.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on January 19, 2022
In all fairness, the book starts off really well. The authors talk about separating the stress from the stressor, how to actually completely the stress cycle etc. Then in the second section it just gets so weird. They absolutely ramble on for a third of the book about the patriarchy and feminism. Let me clarify, I hate the patriarchy and I am a feminist but it does not give any tangible advice for helping your stress and burnout, seemed like a total venting session. Not helpful at all.
Even worse by the end of the book they tell you to think about your "inner madwoman". Just think about that for a second. Is it in any way healthy to refer to yourself as a "madwoman"? Most definitely not. I rushed through the end because I wanted to finish it but it was unbearable. There are heaps of great self help books out there, this one is not it so save your money. They continuously reference Disney movies which is great if you are between the ages of 5-10. I am not.
On a happier note I realised something positive about myself, that I can actually write a book! If these 2 can write such garbage, I could probably write a better book myself. No joke.
The book is highly repetitive, does not include anything particularly unique. And the authors have renamed concepts that already exist in the psychological and self help literature as though they are revolutionaries. But these reinventions of already existing concepts are highly juvenile. “Bikini Industrial Complex” to label body image issues, your “Inner Monitor” to label expectation. “Human giver syndrome” to label the behaviour of putting others above yourself in all scenarios (often a trauma response, and one my husband struggles with more than myself). Even "the stress cycle" is just a renaming of the fight-or-flight reaction. Seriously, renaming things like this needlessly complicates the literature and is a pathetic attempt to make the concepts somehow new or original. If you want to read a real book regarding the serious impact of both personal and collective trauma, I recommend “When the Body Says No” by Gabor Mate. This book also has tips for listening to your body in order to avoid severe physical manifestations of stress like cancer, ALS and many others. Some of the tips are similar to those presented in this book (cry, rage out, exercise) but the overall tone and quality of Gabor Mate's book is much better and DOES NOT SEPARATE MEN FROM WOMEN. WE ARE ALL HUMAN.


















