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From Charm to Harm: And Everything Else in Between With a Narcissist (Narcissistic Abuse and Recovery) Paperback – March 1, 2016

by Gregory Zaffuto (Author)

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You try to understand how another human being could psychologically terrorize you in the manner that the Narcissist you were with did to you. You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a hideous manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken, and disabled. What did you do wrong, why did this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON? They have probably moved on very quickly and are with someone new and they are saying that they are in love and it is amazing. They are also saying that they basically had to run from YOU because you were impossible to deal with, or perhaps you have mental health issues, OR you abused them. You feel frozen in time, very vulnerable, and in shock or better yet traumatized from this and you want to dig through all of the layers and understand this so you can move on, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO DO SO. Family and friends are there to support you but more than likely it is to give you a small pat on the back and say time will heal your wounds, or you HAVE to move on, OR how could you stay in this relationship for as long as you have if it was this bad. When you try to tell your story it is so incredulous that most people seem to be in shock over the allegations that you are proposing about the relationship. In turn you only feel like you are the problem and you blame yourself even more and MAYBE you start to believe that you were the problem just like that Narcissist said. You feel like your spirit is gone and your whole belief system has been thrown out the door about life. Where do you start, how do you turn off the many negative messages? How do you reclaim your spirt and join life again? Who do you go to for the help that you need and WHY is this taking so long to get over? Every day is a struggle and you want this to stop NOW and you want to move on. You have heard ‘things’ your Narcissist has said about you to the very people you love in your life and now they may be challenging you or questioning this from the Narcissist’s point of view. You are defending yourself when you shouldn’t have to. Again you are feeling you are the problem here and all of this has become insurmountable. Well I totally believe you, I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to explain this abuse in a manner to educate you, as well as help you embrace this in a manner to achieve closure on your own. I am going to try to explain as much of this as I possibly can to help you get through this and achieve that “Ah Ha’ moment where you do ‘GET THIS’. I am going to do this in a manner that goes beyond the clinical definitions and put it out there in a raw manner with real definitions and explanations from the perspective of a person that has gone through this and returned back to a normal lifestyle. With each and every separate topic I am going to keep bringing you back to some of the same specific points I may have already covered in a manner that not only defines a specific situation but constantly reconnects it to the bigger picture! I will repeat and connect thoughts in each chapter because there is no real ‘rhyme or reason’ to this abuse, only the truth and facts that every target/victim of this abuse experiences the SAME thing. That is what I am trying to connect you to! Each chapter is its own separate story so you can read a chapter at a time, return and connect to a new definition that brings you back to a little more of the truth and understanding the total picture step by step.

Print length

286 pages
Language

English
Publication date

March 1, 2016
Dimensions

6 x 0.65 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

1523820179
ISBN-13

978-1523820177
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Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1st edition (March 1, 2016)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 286 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1523820179
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1523820177
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.65 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #64,160 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #162 in Abuse Self-Help

Customer Reviews:
330 ratings

Customer reviews

5 star		79%
4 star		10%
3 star		6%
2 star		2%
1 star		3%

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Marilyn D.

For decades I was married to a difficult man whom I loved and tried to understand and help

Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2016

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This book has been an absolute lifesaver to me! The author accurately describes the abusive, deceptive, and manipulative behaviors that malignant narcissists use to control and exploit unsuspecting, trusting individuals who fall prey to them. He describes exactly what I went through! For decades I was married to a difficult man whom I loved and tried to understand and help. Nothing ever worked to improve our relationship. I lived in fear, confusion and denial, due to manipulation, gas-lighting, and cognitive dissonance (love-bombing alternating with extreme abuse). Once I read the articles which preceded this book, everything was consistent and made total sense. At last I understood. Very simply, I was married to a hard-core narcissist for whom I was nothing more than an extremely useful object. He didn't change because he didn't want to change and he didn't care about me at all. Abuse, lies, false promises, gifts, and pretend loving acts were tools to manipulate and keep control so I could be exploited to fill the roles of display wife, mother, sex partner, wage-earner, housekeeper, bookkeeper, organizer, cook, seamstress, hostess, and more. After retirement, when he finally admitted to long-term cheating on the side, I gathered up my integrity and the wisdom gained from this book, proceeded to divorce him and set out to rebuild my life. I am forever grateful to the author for validating my experience ( which seems incredible to outsiders!) and for helping me realize that I was targeted precisely for the good qualities I possess, which the narcissist lacks. This has been very affirming to me and has given me confidence going forward. The great value of this book is the author's deep personal insight and extraordinary ability to describe who narcissists are, how they operate, and how we can free ourselves from their grip. A lifesaver!!

52 people found this helpful

Helpful

Wynne Virgo

Excellent summation of the trauma associated with Narcissistic Abuse

Reviewed in the United States on April 13, 2016

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I appreciate that this book is written by a man; much of the literature surrounding Narcissistic relationships is written by women; the male voice is refreshing.

I recommend From Charm to Harm if you are looking for a better understanding the similar (sadly) aspects and effects of being in a romantic relationship with someone that you thought loved you, but ended up, in Zaffuto’s words, psychologically raping you. I have never heard the previous phrase, but it resonated with my experience of being involved with a classic Narcissist; Psychological/Mind Rape.

From Charm to Harm is more an informal conversation you wish you could have with your family and friends, about your experience, than a clinical textbook about Narcissist Personality Disorders. People that have not experienced Narcissistic abuse will NEVER understand. Zaffuto’s book helps validate and articulate the experience.

Zaffuto points out that the wounds from the abuse is deeply rooted in the subconscious and is not something one can just “get over it and move on” like friends and family suggest, leaving the victim feeling more isolated and confused. We function, but not as we once did before we got tangled up with these monsters. Friends do not understand victims need to keep repeating things over and over to “purge” the abuse outward. Reading and reading that it was not me (which blaming and projecting are one of their favorite torture tools) that caused the abuse to happen, these people have deep mental health issues that can never be fixed, because they are FINE with using and abusing people, other’s exist only as objects to serve their needs, OUCH!

“Narcissists break people with emotional, psychological and verbal beatings because they are just that sadistic.”

Gregory Zaffuto’s writing is spot on addressing the experience and the TRAUMA associated with Narcissistic abuse. I highly recommend it if you are trying to understand the truth and recover your soul from the experience of being targeted by one of these creatures

53 people found this helpful

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Kathi

This book helped lead me from "Dazed and Confused" to "Revelation!"

Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2016

Verified Purchase

They say knowledge is power. Yet when you don't understand what's happening, things don't seem quite right but you can't put your finger on it and you wan to shout out, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON! It's like there's two of you and I can't keep up!", You become powerless because you simply don't know. You don't have the knowledge or the capacity or the experience to to recognize what's happening to you. While the author should have taken the time to have this professionally edited, the content is RIGHT ON. Greg gives you the knowledge, awareness, the aha moments, and the encouragement to get your life back into reality. I recommend this book to anyone that has or is currently struggling with emotional abuse, or is wondering if they are in the stranglehold of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have found this book to be an extremely important piece of my recovery.

25 people found this helpful

Helpful

S. O'Connor

Helped me greatly !

Reviewed in the United States on April 20, 2016

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I love the way he communicates in an easy fashion all the terms used by sites and books . Supply, projection, smear campaigns etc... I understood better what I was dealing with and what I had to do to heal. Also gave me the validation that going no contact is the right thing to do . There is a lot of guilt and emotional accusations at me that it would be wrong to go no contact with my mother. I know this book was written for people who feel in love with a narcissist . But it helped me to realize that no good will come from continuing in the abuse. Whatever the relationship type it is a betrayal at its most deepest level and a abuse of your trust and love.

27 people found this helpful

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Ruth Sinclair

Look no further than this book for hope and healing from NPD abuse,

Reviewed in the United States on January 15, 2017

Verified Purchase

Before I found this book I was desperate to find someone who knew what I was going through and someone who understood my pain. I was so confused and knew how damaged I was after ending a 6 year relationship with a NPD/BPD. Every word of this book reached out to me and has helped me heal and move on better than any therapist! Greg gives specific instructions on how to recover from these monsters. Thank you and I would highly recommend that From Charm to Harm become an audio book for audible as well!

15 people found this helpful

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Top reviews from other countries

Moda

Brutally honest most helpful book ive read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 11, 2018

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Brutally honest and a fantastic informative book on a true narcissist. Ive been unlucky enough to be in what i thought was a relationship and was trapped in a web of toxic lies, hearbreak and negative patterns for years after the break up. Not all narcs are the same, many are not physically abusive nor have angry outbursts or heated arguments however this doesnt mean its not abuse. Even when its done in a calm and calculated manner the attributes of their psychological abuse is just the same. Recently after studying behavioural therapy and psychology i wanted to know more in depth information which was written in a more down to earth and easy to read and relate to. This book gives you it all ! Anyone who has been in a relationship or dating a narcissist will recognise all the traits, lies, manipulation and the terrible feelings and emptyness and worthlessness your left with. The book confirms all the red flags, explains the reasons for their actions and gives explanations to why they treat you the way they do and how to recover and regain your sanity !! It changes your attitude and explains how to avoid the traps and why no contact is so important. I cant recommend this book enough. I found it really helpful in clarifying the reality of the worse years of my life . Its easy to understand and dare i say a satisfying but blood boiling read ( how did we fall for it and allow it ? Well it happens to the best of us. If im ever unlucky to meet another Narc he wont get one foot through the door.

21 people found this helpful

Pen

Raw, repetitive and weak on solutions

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 26, 2020

Verified Purchase

Zaffuto's writing comes across as very raw - like he is in the middle of his catharsis while working through the aftermath of a failed relationship with a narcissist. In that respect, it is very much like Zari Ballard's "When Love is a Lie". In both these books, their partners have multiple affairs on the go and both authors assume (wrongly) that this is always the case with narcissists. They also broke up with their partners every other week and had separate houses.
Both authors have a roughness to their writing - plenty of swear words in Ballard's case and an overdose of capitalised words in Zaffuto's text - as if he is shouting at the reader. Zaffuto incorporates the usual manipulative tactics: gaslighting, projecting, triangulation, idealize-devalue-discard, silent treatment, smear campaign, raging and acting out, etc., etc. into a text that is extremely repetitive and angry.
One key weakness of the book is how little advice is included about how to deal with a narcissistic partner. Zaffuto's prescription can be summarised as 1) go slowly into the relationship 2) set strong boundaries when you are in the relationship and 3) have zero contact when you come out. There is very little explanation beyond these headlines. If you want a less venomous text with more instruction, read Morningstar's "Out of the Fog" or Mirza's "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist".

4 people found this helpful

The E.

Very good for any victim of this type of abuse

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 28, 2016

Verified Purchase

Very good for any victim of this type of abuse, good luck to those who have suffered I wish you best wishes for the future

16 people found this helpful

Elena bibic

Poorly Written, Grammatical errors , repetitive.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 14, 2019

Verified Purchase

I don’t often write a review, but this book has serious punctuation and grammatical errors. The sentences are way too long, making it difficult To read . It almost reads like a foreign translations . There are capital letters and exclamation marks everywhere. Completely unnecessary. The book is repetitive, same things written in a different way. I found myself just skipping pages. I recommend Psycopath Free by Jackson McKenzie. Properly written.

One person found this helpful

jkl

Five Stars

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 25, 2017

Verified Purchase

This book sadly says it all. Don,t purchase if you are not prepared to face the truth and be scared.

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