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Chuck Norris Vs. Mr. T: 400 Facts About the Baddest Dudes in the History of Ever Paperback – November 25, 2008
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This Christmas, my car would not start.
I turned the key ten, maybe twenty times. Nothing. I went outside and popped the hood.
My engine was gone.
Instead, there was a box. I opened it.
Inside the box, there was a box. Inside this box, another box.
I looked around. There was no one.
There was a box, inside a box, inside a box - each unmarked.
Inside the final box, there was a small map. A cold gust of wind blew by my ear. "Follow," it whispered.
I walked three miles to the woods. I walked three miles into the woods. I was led past a small stream. I smelled horses and felt a strange peace.
The path ended in a clearing. The wind rushed into my face. "Dig," I heard - or perhaps, I already knew.
I knelt and tore at the earth with my hands. It was a cold day.
Two hours passed as I worked. I grew tired.
Then, I felt a strange smoothness. I cleared away the soil, ripping it from beneath me.
I removed a small book. This book. It spoke to me, beautiful words, in a thousand languages I could never have known. And I wept.
I read it. I kept it in my jacket. I slept beside it. I ate a few pages. The book - it has changed me.
It will condition your hair.
It will whiten your teeth.
It will get you onto a game show.
It will reduce the appearance of wrinkles.
It will cure leprosy.
It will regrow lost limbs.
It will find your lost puppy.
It will get you laid.
It will watch your fish while you're away.
It will post your bail.Read more ›
On average, there are over a thousand items in a room - including the room itself - with which that Mr. T can kill you. He's so virile that each tablet of Viagra requires a drop of Mr. T's sweat for functionality purposes. Not only that, but one time he killed a ninja, and during the fight he got two of his fingers cut off. These two fingers are now Gary Coleman and Webster. And despite this problem, he can STILL count to ten left-handed! Amazing.
As for Chuck Norris, he takes showers by riding a Grizzly Bear through automatic car washes, can regularly beat a brick wall in tennis, Two and a Half Men was originally just his biographical story, and every time he tries to donate sperm the receptionist gets pregnant. Which is kind of bad news for her, because Chuck Norris has 189 STDs, six of which are found only in sharks. Don't worry though, he can do the research. While he may not have a computer, he does have a basement full of Asian kids who memorize numbers all day.
At first you'll be amazed and laugh at all they can do. Unfortunately, the 400 facts come almost as fast as a Chuck Norris roundhouse. Luckily, however, the laughs last forever, like the shine on Mr. T's gold.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Very Funny. Not as good as some of the others, but still very funny.Published 1 month ago by William Steelman
Fresh jokes and ideas. Highly recommended to anyone a fan of the series. I just hope he keeps writing these books!Published 3 months ago by Super shopper
I bought this as a gag gift. It had the intended effect. If you love 80's schlock, then this might be for you.Published 15 months ago by Justin M. Stoddard
I bought this as a joke for my son. He thought it was funny, so it was an okay gift. He thought it was a good joke.Published on January 30, 2014 by Cyndi F. White
Has the strongest CURSE words in it. BE WARNED! Inappropriate for children. Anyone giving this good reveiws is either a child or immature. Read morePublished on September 14, 2013 by reviewer