Top critical review
1.0 out of 5 starsYes, Virginia, was a very bad rabbit....
Reviewed in the United States on March 8, 2011
When the mailman came, I ran excitedly out to meet him in the yard. Clad only in my fluffy lavendar slippers and a floral nightcoat...I am sure I was a ghastly sight...but I just couldnt wait one extra moment to finally get my hands on that rabbit! I was so excited...whole fresh rabbit. The glory of the purchase was stamped "fresh" all over the box in bright red ink, and the entire thing was wrapped in barbed wire. "Interesting packaging", I thought...then thoughtlessly put my ponderings aside and brought my prize into the house.
In truth, I nearly stumbled over the welcome mat as I hurried into the house with my extra special Amazon delivery! Rabbit! All mine! How wonderful! I hadnt had rabbit in years!
With much ceremony, I sat down with a box cutter and began to open the box. Then suddenly this hairless, headless beast came flying out as if propelled by a spring. It immediately landed on the table, and held up one of its forelegs. Although it no longer had paws, I got the distinct impression that the rabbit was flipping me off! The irreverant beast was clear in its defiance. Startled, I stepped back...I didnt quite know how to handle the situation. I was quite frozen in shock. The rabbit deftly kicked the box off the table and approached me with a confident swagger. It seemed to be sizing me up.
The next thing I knew, the rabbit had seized the box cutter from my trembling hand. It weilded the blade with obvious expertise, waving it menacingly in front of my face. I found myself completely immobilized with fear...a wave of morbid awareness drifted over me. There was nowhere to run. Nowhere at all...
The rabbit quickly stretched its naked, spindly legs and leapt from the table. Within moments, it began to hurriedly ransack the house. It spray-painted graffiti chickens all over my livingroom wall. It broke into my safe and stole jewels and money. It sold drugs and began extorting money from my neighbor. It took candy from babies. It sassed its elders. I even found it in bed with my husband.
Despite my outrage, and efforts to trap the abhorrent creature, it quickly spread its attentions throughout the neighborhood...then, the city. It terrorized every man, woman and child...it spared no one.
In desperation, I contacted the vendor for a refund. "Oh hell no," the customer service man said. "You wanted a fresh rabbit...and thats what you got. No refunds!"
Indeed, the rabbit was "fresh" and consequently recieved many outraged face slappings from local women. But I was desperate to be rid of the thing. I found myself, desperate...alone...with nowhere to turn.... I wept bitter tears at the prospect of my fate and the humiliation I had endured as the rabbit effortlessly dismantled everything I valued in life. My back was against the wall...I had no choice but to fight. The sound of my boots scraping upon the pavement of the sidewalk was comforting. I was ready. My jaw clenched and eyes squinted...I was pure courage. I was armed. On my belt I carried the weapons of my forefathers...a bubble pipe, a package of red vines, and a rubber mallet. I was ready to destroy, or be destroyed...
The rabbit saw me and seemed to sense my determination. It had no head, but I sensed it sneering at me. With a warbling screech, the rabbit attacked me. It flew to action, attempting to cripple me with a spinning back kick and a flurry of karate chops. Gasping, I lashed back with my mallet, blowing my bubble pipe fiercely, and landed a hit soundly on the rabbits side. Before it could recover, I began lashing it with the red vines, leaving bloody welts on its pale, graying flesh. It squealed in pain and squirmed behind a trash can, with me in hot pursuit...
The rabbit unexpectly turned, and I made a grab at the skinny carcass, but it sped past meIt cursed me and fled. With no head, paws or fur, the animal was very streamlined and as fast as greased lightning. I doggedly pursued it to the edge of town when I lost sight of it...and I was relieved to see that the rabbit did not seem to be turning back.
It seemed that as quickly as it began...the rabbit's rampage was over. The last time I saw the beast, I had been patrolling the city. I saw that it was armed with two automatic rifles and strings of ammunition, and it appeared Rambo-esque upon a hill. It screamed "Aaaaaahhhhhyaaaaaa!" and fired the weapons into the air. It then ran and jumped into a jeep with Charlie Sheen and sped away...
I saw a mushroom cloud form in the distance...
I looked into the sunset, my teeth gritted with determination. I would survive. And as god as my witness, I would never be hungry again!
I sit my weary body behind my computer once again, mopping beads of cool sweat from my forehead. I begin write this review. Gingerly, I start to type...."Yes, Virginia, this was a very bad rabbit...."