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Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You Paperback – February 1, 2003
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Does this sound like someone you know?
*Always needs to be right
*Tells you who you are and what you think
*Implies that you’re wrong or inadequate when you don’t agree
*Is threatened by people who are “different”
*Feels attacked when questioned
*Doesn’t seem to really hear or see you
If any of the above traits sounds familiar, help is on the way! In Controlling People, bestselling author Patricia Evans, tackles the “controlling personality,” and reveals how and why these people try to run other people’s lives. She also explains the compulsion that makes them continue this behavior—even as they alienate others and often lose those they love.
Controlling People helps you unravel the senseless behavior that plagues both the controller and the victim. Can the pattern or spell be broken? YES, says the author.
By understanding the compelling force involved, you can be a catalyst for change and actually become a spell-breaker. Once the spell is broken and the controller sees others as they really are, a genuine connection can be forged and healing can occur.
Should you ever find yourself in the thrall of someone close to you, Controlling People is here to give you the wisdom, power, and comfort you need to be a stronger, happier, and more independent person.
- Print length300 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- Publication dateFebruary 1, 2003
- Dimensions5.5 x 0.8 x 8.44 inches
- ISBN-10158062569X
- ISBN-13978-1580625692
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Editorial Reviews
From Library Journal
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
I passionately hope you can persuade your publisher to give this gem the widest possible publicity. Human kind urgently needs this, both on an individual and a collective level. Nothing else seems to be working very effectively " -- David L. Quinby Professor Emeritus Youngstown State University, Youngstown, Ohio.)
"Your books should be required reading in any psychiatric residency. Abuse is of epidemic proportions in our country and needs to be widely addressed. Counselors and clergy should be educated on how to deal with this so they can be a help not a further hindrance." -- Dr. Barry Kraft -- retired Chief of Psychiatry at Parkview Medical Center, Pueblo, CO."
About the Author
Product details
- Publisher : Adams Media; 47523rd edition (February 1, 2003)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 300 pages
- ISBN-10 : 158062569X
- ISBN-13 : 978-1580625692
- Item Weight : 1.06 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.8 x 8.44 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #121,103 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #339 in Popular Psychology Personality Study
- #612 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #4,701 in Parenting & Relationships (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and can be reached via her website at www.VerbalAbuse.com.
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Sadly my mother (and those perpetrators) was spellbound and I retreated into a fantasy world to survive my entire family’s need to believe in the pretend me’s of their collective but separate formation, that they cling to many decades later.
Even as a child I was intuitive and empathic but had to hide this and lost sight of it almost completely as I continued in protective yet self-effacing denial.
I’m so grateful that now with God’s help and my own perseverance I’ve come to realize that being defined by those closest to me damaged my “self” and I fed into that.
Now I’m back to trusting myself and being connected to the oneness of being and “how can I help” both myself to be real, and connect to the world while sadly disconnecting myself from those who choose to define me despite my repeatedly asking them to stop, & that they do not see who I truly am. It’s a loss for all. But no longer defines me.
Letting go, I mourn for moments the loss of them, as I continue to grow in life and unity, and love. And I let them go, time and time again until it sticks and I know I’ll be ok. I believe for the first time in my life that I’m not responsible for them. I cannot change anyone but “me”.
Getting back to that toddler who was so inspired to being connected but had to abandon it for survival as I was locked away from outside world, and in an overpowering isolation by those who purportedly loved me, has opened my eyes to the beauty around me in little ways that strengthen and inspire me.
This is all so empowering now. I’m elated. And that’s a feeling that may be few and far between, but so beautiful to finally experience. And more and more inclusively reliable and prevailing.
“How can I help” continues to be my mantra towards myself and others, known or strangers. I still am occasionally pulled back into rage at the stolen time that I can never get back. The abuses I suffered with: The boundaries overwhelmed and crossed despite my innocence.
I find creative and artistic ways to channel the rage and even the hate, into healthy outlets. From needlework, to reading books like this one. To dioramas that place that negativity out of my self. Walks outdoors. Free to dream and imagine. To write again, and get back to the joy of helping where I can. And prayer. Music.
I’m so excited to be back in touch with the empath I am. To reach the pinnacles of connectedness with my self and the collective consciousness. And to accept the truth that people in my path in life, strangers, see me more of who I am than my own blood relatives.
Painfully but joyously I find these souls who reflect back to me that I really am the goodness I’ve so intuited I’ve been since I was a child. And I show my gratitude in words directly to them or in actions. I may have been the only one aware of this, and with God. Yet, this is finally “enough” as I reconnect to a world that’s struggling and suffering but is filled with a goodness I could not see by having been in obscurity of denial and in survival mode.
I’m thankful for this journey and although it’s still a struggle….I’m freeing myself step by step, and my true self shines through to those I encounter and are open to the connectedness of the living, and even those who lived before me but whose essence prevails. Every step forward is met at times by two steps back or a misstep, yet I move another step and another into a future I could never see myself having ever before.
This book opened my inner eye again, that is and has been, and continues to propel me to inner peace and outer joining to a world I’ve feared for decades. Thank you Patricia Evans:
Your words are sound and I revel in the knowledge of living free of the pretend person I am not, despite my family’s dumbfounding refusal to see their closed views. I now understand their need for holding onto this, and can only pray they find the peace of letting go before their lifetime is over.
I am letting go. Not an easy task but the beauty I now experience in myself and others who seek to connect is the Faith I’ve held onto since I was so young and knew inwardly that the adults were wrong. Yet I needed to grow into these realizations in my own truth, in my own time, and still waver between them but more and more lean to trust myself and hopefully more soon, others.
I wish and hope for other readers to find themselves for the beautiful people you are and can return to being as you take steps to re-connect and see there is beauty in you and in the world. And to focus on those things that <Are> in your purview to influence. Not to waste anymore time on changing others. Even as you love them, please let go and be.
Why do I recommend that you read "Controlling People?" To me, verbal abuse and other controlling behavior is a complex topic that is difficult to understand-- especially when you have experienced it and never had a label for it. In the aforementioned books, reasons for abuse include entitlement, a separate reality, lack of empathy, etc. However, I wished to dig deeper in a way that would help me understand, as I have been a victim of abuse in relationships and have not had the desire to abuse my partners as well.
Sure, in verbally abusive relationships it may seem black and white-- it is always best to try to leave an abusive romantic/sexual partnership in a safe manner. But, what about family members? Coworkers? Bosses? Complete strangers? All of these people seem decent at fist glance, but why do they randomly lash out at others or discourage someone from thinking for themselves? Why is THEIR viewpoint the only point that matters to them? Why do they act as if you don't matter?
Evans clarifies this phenomenon with the concepts of "defining reality" and "the Teddy Illusion." When a controller defines someone's reality, it is hurtful and false. Name-calling, labeling, dismissing thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. is destructive and highlights the controller's desire NOT to connect with an actual person, but truly his/her vision of what the controlled person "should" be like. I have had boyfriends idolize and idealize me to the point of an impossible standard in their heads. Once they saw I possessed flaws like any other human and did not think like them, some used passive-aggressive actions (such as "joking" criticism of my body). One outright told me I was simple, insecure, not intelligent, etc. He even threatened to leave me ("If you keep worrying about me leaving you for her, it will happen"). I kept blaming myself for getting upset, resentful, angry, and not wanting any romantic interactions even though I "should" have. The relationships were so hard no matter how I tried to make them better through reasoning, correcting, explaining myself, sharing my thoughts, fear, feelings, etc. only to be exploited. One boyfriend even enjoyed seeing me in pain, as he would guilt-trip me and say things like "you don't care" over internet chat, leaving me crying for 3+ hours. It was exhausting trying to prove to him that I DID care, but eventually all the trying did die down the passion. When I told him how much I was hurting, he acted dumbfounded: "why are you crying?" When he turned on the web camera and saw my puffy eyes, tears and runny nose, he acted like he reveled in being the "good boyfriend" to comfort me. He would coo "awww don't cry, baby" then immediately changing the subject and not apologizing for what he said. He told me he wanted the "old me" back (when we weren't together, just friends, and he had a secret crush on me) even though the late teens/early twenties have been a huge period of growth/change for me and I have become a better person for it. Not to mention I was already recovering from another abusive relationship at the time and was having difficulty trusting men in general, even him. I was right not to!
The Teddy Illusion story is a dark, satirical parody of what really happens in an abusive/controlling relationship. I giggled as I imagined Evans' depiction of a moving, talking teddy bear living with a controller going to therapy and packing its suitcase. However, the actual analogy is very enlightening as to why control happens the way it does, and why it makes no sense to the controlled partner. A controller has a set mind of what the "ideal" partner should be like, much like a child's imaginary friend projected onto a plush teddy bear. The Teddy is like a security blanket, harboring the wishes, feelings, etc. that the child may have been forbidden to experience growing up in a controlling environment. This Teddy knows exactly what the controller wants, needs, and is thinking, because Teddy is of "one mind" with the controller. Controllers generally never grow out of this, and thus find a real person to act as a "body" for the perfect partner, Teddy. The tricky part is that most controllers, according to Evans, do not realize it.
As Evans details the acts of control, its possible causes, and what healthy human interactions should be like, she helps outline some ways to "break the spell," in other words, helping a controller realize what he/she is doing. Unless the controller is outright dangerous/frightening, she mostly advocates the use of the word "what?" until the controller realizes his/her nonsensical actions, or he/she walks away. I personally would like to use lines such as "um, excuse me?" or "pardon me?" or "wow" in said situations, but I am usually so caught off-guard by presumptuous people "defining me" that "what" is the only thing I can say. Of course, the defining person often repeats him/herself, leaving me shocked still, and walking away wishing I had my wits about me to say something snappier. Sometimes people say presumptuous things that sound reasonable, yet sting, and only in retrospect do I realize they were passive-aggressive, hurtful attempts to define or control me.
I found it very interesting that Evans talked about harmful female and male "stereotypes" the respective gender may follow, thus landing themselves in a mindset that encourages controlling actions or helps enable someone to tolerate control(though abusive actions do not necessarily follow). Some stereotypical female examples are "don't act too smart to make sure he feels important like a man should," "stay thin and make the relationship work because if you love him enough it will work." Although not many have outright said these thing to me or in my presence, I have felt pressure to act mindless and helpless in the past. This helped encourage me to choose to work to hard on relationships and end up blaming myself for the nonsense from my partner, leading to utter misery. Some dating books often advise women to think/do certain things like the statements above (e.g. toxic drivel such as "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Agrov and "Datable" by Justin Lookadoo and Hayley DiMarco).
My only quibble with this book is that it seems to downplay the amount of abusers who do control "because they can." I feel it is too optimistic about a controller/verbal abuser's possible recovery. After reading "Why Does He DO That?" I've learned most abusers do not show much remorse, are aware of the pain they cause, and consciously enjoy the benefits of control. Perhaps those with unconscious, subtle control tactics that IMO, are not really "abuse" per se (like the lady who believed her daughter really wanted chocolate ice cream even though she said she wanted vanilla) can recover more easily than those who are more aware of their abuse tactics and just don't care (e.g. the man who hits his wife and tells her her greatest talents really aren't great).
Overall, this is a great book, and Evans is a wonderful author. I plan to read more of her work in the future.
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On the other hand, it suffers several flaws. Minor ones first: Evans spends time reflecting on the worldwide political implications of her psychological theory that start moving into unsupported vagueness, and that's pages that could more usefully have been devoted to constructive advice, plus over-reaching a bit. Also, she rather over-uses her invented phrases, 'Controller', 'Pretend Person' and so on, which gives the book an almost cultic feel at times. There are times when the book feels a bit over-excited about its theory.
This wouldn't be too bad, but there are two serious flaws: it offers frustratingly little advice on what to do about such situations - saying 'What?' whenever someone makes an inappropriate remark is honestly about as far as it goes - and its structure is rather meandering.
It's a real shame that she speaks vaguely of the 'Controller' throughout and doesn't consider any changes of nuance according to the relationship. Why not, for instance, have a chapter on husband-to-wife control, wife-to-husband, parent-to-child, friend-to-friend, boss-to-employee and so on? All of these are slightly different situations where the same problem can occur, and the victims' options are very different in each. Such a structure would not only be more helpful but would also make the book far easier to navigate and reread. As it is, it's hard to remember what Evans says where; it all blurs into one general theory.
A great theory, to be sure. But in my experience, the best audience for this book is not someone suffering at the hands of a controlling person - there's pretty close to no advice for that - but instead a person who's just woken up to the fact that they've been controlling of others, and is trying to understand themselves and learn how to stop. Someone in my life is doing just that, and for them, it's a book of advice. But most people who want a book about controlling people are likely to be victims rather than perpetrators, and for them, the book's wandering structure and lack of advice is a problem.
It's very well worth reading, but it could have been much better than it is if it was a bit more disciplined and constructive. If someone in your life has control issues, do read it, but don't expect it to solve the problem: unless the controlling person is you, it's background reading rather than self-help.
However, the title says "How to Recognize, Understand and *Deal* with People Who Try to Control You
I had hoped for more concrete methods described in the dealing with controllers aspect. The book's concluding chapters seemed to me to consist of many quotes from people congratulating either themselves or Evans on having 'broken the spell'. I found it hard to distil firm techniques that would help me practice spellbreaking. The abuse I witness is very subtle and hard to pin down and confront in the workplace and the methods mentioned seem to me best suited for "In your face" abuse.
Finally so many books and websites on abuse and bullying are overtly gender biased and Patricia Evan's book is no exception. I think a better balanced insight could have been gained from illustrating the patterns of control and abuse with more examples of people abused by female partners or colleagues. When the "typical" gender dynamic is reversed it really does highlight the power and recurring pattern of controlling abusive behaviour.
The path to becoming an abuser is not a "Man thing". It can flow from mother to daughter from wife to husband, even employee to boss! Being a target of abuse is not the female prerogative.
Myself, my father, my partner and her father, have all been the objects of "control connections" from spellbound women and those women in turn were the victims of maternal abuse and neglect.
I feel the book's bias is disingenous because I would have thought it more empowering to recognise and emphasise that abusive behaviour is not gender specific but that it is simply it's own self-perpetuating legacy. More examples of female to male or same gender incidents could've illustrated her points as well as, if not better than the limited spectrum of "typical" abusive relationships she presents.
Also many men, my father included, remain in denial (spellbound) about their situation. This is a good book but its predominately female perspective still allows him to say "This doesn't apply to me" or worse "It *is* my fault - I'm the abuser!"
Despite these misgivings I will still be recommending "Controlling people" to friends and relatives who have found themselves in the thrall of "spellbound" behaviour.







