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Top Customer Reviews
This mess starts off with the long, boring story detailing the origin of the villain of this film; the short guy with the dirty beard who runs around with a knife. He is supposed to be some evil, immortal pirate who kills anybody who:
a. is in his field of vision, especially if you are wearing a skimpy bikini (I've never really found hoochies cut up and covered in their own blood attractive - obviously the director has this fetish)
b. tries to steal his treasure (all pirates have treasures to guard - Arrrgh!)
c. tries to prevent him from recovering his treasure (he lost it when he was imprisoned many years ago, before he became immortal. Arrrgh!)
The victims are a group of idiots who are participating in a "Survivor"-type show. They all decide to frolic on this short killer's island.
What really shocked me about this poorly filmed, cheap D-grade movie was the incredibly racist portrayal of one of the pirate's victims - a rap star of course. All this guy needed was a Watermellon and a bucket of chicken. It was much worse than Coolio's "performance" in Dracula 3000.
Skip this one at all costs.
The jacket of "Cross Bones" depicts a promising panoramic scene of nautical siege involving a full-masted pirate ship beneath an impressive turbaned skull with eye patch. This scene unaccountably does not appear in the movie. What is offered are a few boring minutes of half-hearted swashbuckling amongst the pirate mateys aboard a remarkably spic-and-span "pirate ship" -- a suspiciously anachronistic trawler bearing no gun ports and possessing limited deck area for swashbuckling. Red Bones, the fearsome pirate chief, grimaces through his moderate vocabulary as if motivated by heart-burn, throwing in an occasional "Aarrgghh!" -- presumably for the pirate effect, or possibly just belching. In his cannibalistic reincarnation (terrifying curse), Bones achieves new heights, raising his performance level to that of having a bowel movement. When the "incredible treasure" is finally unearthed, the delusion is scuttled by a spectacle of garage-sale items. The plot -- movies should have plots -- concerns the filming of a reality show in which the participants spend most of their time spouting senseless bilgewater that leaves one praying for the violent death of the script writer. The only recent movie that degenerates to a category of comparable depths is Asylum Pictures' "War of the Worlds" (actually, any Asylum Pictures production would suffice) in which the film jacket promises entertainment and delivers indigestion. Rating of one star indicates one star too many.
The overall plot is conceivable (for a movie) but the "acting" completely ruins this movie. It is amazing that they actually got the money to make this movie. Don't waste your money.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
THIS AT BEST A D MOVIE IF THERE IS SUCH A RATING. THE COLOR IS WASHED OUT AND THE FILM ITS IS BLURRY. THE ACTING
IS HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL. PLEASE GIVE THIS MOVIE A MISS
I already see that others have properly given this travesty a good lashing, and yet I feel compelled to warn future viewers a bit more. Read morePublished on October 10, 2009 by Zephyr
Crossbones (Daniel Zirilli, 2005)
I have seen some very, very bad movies over the course of my life. The very worst of them I have not been able to finish watching. Read more
the interesting thing about this movie is that the lead female and male actors aren't nearly as interesting and good actors as the side characters. Read morePublished on September 12, 2005 by K Ellich
I thought it was a good movie, dont know why everyone else is dissin' it.Published on September 12, 2005 by Erin Eads
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