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Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition Paperback – Animated, September 9, 2011
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- Item Weight : 11.9 ounces
- Paperback : 272 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0071771328
- ISBN-13 : 978-0071771320
- Product Dimensions : 6 x 0.6 x 8.9 inches
- Publisher : McGraw-Hill Education; 2nd Edition (September 9, 2011)
- Language: : English
- Best Sellers Rank: #478 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
Top reviews from the United States
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I took my time to read this and skim over it again before I entered the conversation because I didn't want to go in feeling attacked, defensive, or angry. I wanted to know how I could handle things. I didn't want to talk and head into a storm in the first place, but reading this book helped me feel less apprehensive about talking. I didn't want to go in ready to fight, I took my time talking on my own terms because I didn't want to lose my friend while feeling hot-headed. I explained my intentions on why I took long to not give off the impression that I didn't care.
The book took me about 6 hours to read but I didn't really count. I flagged many pages to the point when I almost ran out of flags. There were very few parts I skipped towards the end (of examples/possible scenarios that I didn't think related to me), but most of the book seemed very relevant. The many examples helped. I think as a reader it helps to take written/typed notes of your own as you go, but I did not take much (I will though).
When I felt I was ready to talk, I went in. I tried utilizing what I remembered. I did look at the smaller details to address them and tried not playing "trivia pursuit" on things that that were brought up. I got more of my friend's perspective. After we talked about our concerns, we found our misunderstandings and similarities regarding situations, as well as our viewpoints on both. I also brought up some possible agreements on how to avoid disrespecting each other in the future and if we did, the topic is left open so we can revisit our misunderstandings or perspectives again without making an ultimatum and to communicate more healthily if we think something is off between us. I didn't want to just get things off our chest, I wanted to make it easier for us to communicate in a similar manner (finding solutions) in the future. I wouldn't have gotten to this point if it weren't for this book. I honestly was prepared to lose a friend and in that scenario, none of us wins because we learned nothing about ourselves and others, we only saw our own viewpoints. By the end of our conversation, my friend seemed satisfied. We both have our similarities, though we handled things differently, this book played a part in bringing things up to light and how to go about it.
There are other things I am going to work on tackling, such as things in the workplace and not in my personal life and hope it turns out okay for everyone too.
I only read this once and skimmed it once after that, yet it helped me get this far. I really recommend this book to anyone who wants to get better at such conversations and arguments. It's worth rereading, not a read-once-and-drop-it kind of book.
I've studied communication for years, reading books like Communicating Effectively for Dummies and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and this one is simply awesome. The authors really break down communication into specific steps and give you practical tactics to improve your communication skills.
Up until about May last year, I was really disappointed with the quality of the majority of the books I was reading. I was down because I hadn't yet really found a gem like this. If you're trying to improve your communication skills, I highly recommend checking this one out.
Feelings get hurt in conversations, lies are told, deception, betrayal, all of these can happen in conversations.
Enter the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. I heard Joseph Grenny, one of the authors speak on this topic recently at the leadership summit and got a lot out of his session.
All of us know the feeling of this kind of conversation and we know that this is where life changes.
Here are 10 things I got from the book that I have found helpful in my life and leadership:
1. When we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things: We can avoid them, We can face them and handle them poorly, or We can face them and handle them well. At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well. Christians and church staffs are notorious for avoiding crucial conversations. This is why churches often split, people leave hurt and visions never move forward. Instead of doing the hard work in a conversation, they are avoided. When in reality, because of what is at stake (salvation) and because of the calling of Jesus, we should do a better job of having crucial conversations.
2. Individuals who are the most influential—who can get things done and at the same time build on relationships—are those who master their crucial conversations. We all know this to be true. If you aren't very good at dialogue, you sit back in wonder at those who are. They are able to gain more influence, get more done and people want to be on their team and a part of what they are doing. This is why raising the value of this skill and getting better at it matters so much. Things move forward or stop around conversations.
3. The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. Grenny said this at the summit and it grabbed my attention. This is one of, if not the main reason, most conversations stop and things do not move forward. Fear. Fear of a relationship ending, something stopping, getting fired or hurting someone. Yet, if we don't tell the truth, we often can't be a friend.
4. People rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. If you are a boss and want honest feedback and conversation, people can't fear for their jobs or that you will yell at them. Recently, there has been a lot of writing online about pastors abusing people, creating a culture of fear, yelling at staff members, elders and volunteers and it blows my mind. If you are known for that as a pastor, you should be embarrassed.
5. Be careful not to apologize for your views. This can be easy to do and it often happens as a way to soften your opinion or the blow in a conversation, but you shouldn't apologize for what you think. It is what you think. It might be hard or unpopular to say, but don't shy away from it. You may be wise to change how you phrase it, but always be willing to share what you think in a conversation.
6. One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. I done this very easily in the past. Yet, this practice keeps people from buying in and helping to make something happen. When we do this, we don't understand why people aren't on board. The reason is the harder we push our way, the harder they push their way.
7. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions. The more harshly we speak or the more we give the impression that there is only one way, the less likely it becomes that people will speak up. Now, on issues like vision, it must be clear and have agreement. But, in conversations, if we give the impression that something has been decided or that we aren't open to suggestions, we will kill discussion.
8. When we feel the need to push our ideas on others, it’s generally because we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong. This is another way the previous one. If you find yourself pushing your ideas, you aren't having a good dialogue and instead are simply giving out orders. That may be your leadership style, but it won't accomplish a healthy team environment and in the end, your church or business will never reach its full potential.
9. The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior. As a leader or a person in a relationship, you must learn this well. This was an eye opening insight for me. I get very passionate about things, as most people do, and when I do, I can shut down dialogue and end up hurting people. We do this, often unintentionally because we care about something, because we believe we are right and have the only way forward.
10. The fuzzier the expectations, the higher the likelihood of disappointment. When a crucial conversation ends, there must be clear expectations and guidance moving forward. It cannot be fuzzy or gray. Otherwise, a conversation has not ended, it is simply on pause.
All in all, this was an incredibly helpful book. Some of it covered things I already knew but showed some helpful insights. I've already seen a change in some of my conversations with leaders at my church and in my family through this book. Definitely one I'd recommend.
Top reviews from other countries
I have ready few books that have truly changed the way I interact with the world. This is one of them. I read this book in the mists of a messy divorce and it really helped to clear things up. It showed me that I was going about conversations in completely the wrong way. I wish I had found this sooner in my life. It would have changed so much.
It will teach you how to interact with people when it matters most. Whether its partners, children, parents, manager, boss, strangers or friends you are most likely messing up your conversions and not even noticing it.
I can not recommend this book enough. I recommend it to everyone who asks me about books or if I think it can help them.
Its also available on audiable. I have both. However you get it, get it.
This book is paired amazingly with Chimp paradox. These 2 book are my killer combo recommendation.
Once you have finished it, take some time to reflect deeply. You'll be surprised what you discover with your new knowledge.
The book presents the unfortunate situation we all live in, which is the inability of people to speak their mind without it having an impact on the way they are seen. Hence becomes a practical tool for people management.
Fortunately there is a CEO who recognises this madness and inefficiency and has built his company based on "Radical Transparency"....top 5 biggest hedgfund in the world....Bridgewater associates.
Being intelligent doesn't matter if you don't prove yourself to be skilled at emotional intelligence!