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My tongue had never seen the light of day
on July 6, 2011
I have been an avid Amazon shopper for years. Never once have I (selfishly) written a review for a product. After purchasing this simple tongue scraper, tonight I am ending that streak.
Before today, my tongue had (unknowingly) never seen the light of day. That's right. For YEARS, my tongue had been a whiteish-covered organ. It was more white-covered than pink. It looked like it had been born permanently stained with streaks of vanilla ice cream (as long as I can remember).
I thought I was just born "different". But deep down, I secretly envied the wet, pink, glistening tongues of others. Over the years and with countless attempts of desperation, I scrubbed and scrubbed my tongue with the fronts and backs of toothbrushes, all to no avail. I resigned myself that I would always be a freak, I would always be the outcast with a white-splotched tongue.
I skeptically opened the tongue cleaner and went into the bathroom. Sure, I had read all of the other ecstatic reviews, but I was different. Momma didn't raise a boy with no pink tongue, no sir, and there was no way it would change now.
I almost chuckled at the absurdity of even trying this, as I raised the scraper into my mouth. "I've been through this so many times, so many years...", I thought.
I opened my mouth and rested the scraper at the back of my tongue, giving myself one last look, almost as if to say "It's ok Stewart, one day others will judge you not by the color of your tongue but by the flavor of your breath." But then I remembered that my breath was probably caused by my tongue, and cried.
I shook my head as I looked at myself, giving me lonesome one last sorrowful look, trying to let myself down easy... and started scraping.
As I pulled the gentle scraper down across my tongue, I couldn't believe my eyes.
"What is that??" I asked myself. It continued piling up on the scraper, I dare not describe its feature. More and more, it continued to pile up... Was not my tongue in its barren and dry state just a moment ago? Wherefore doth this infernal material spring forth from? What manner of sorcery does this device command?!
The scraper rolled off my tongue, my eyes following it down the mirror as I lowered it to the sink, washing off what I thought must have been residual dragon saliva, hiding in the nether caves of my taste budduals.
I looked back up to the mirror, into the nefarious cave of the mouthlock, the home of the white wildebeast.
"What is this.... Are not my eyes deceiving me?? Dothfore I not see a pinkish-red plain that was therefore not there before???!"
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I HAD FINALLY UNCOVERED WHAT MY SOUL HAS CRIED FOR FOR YEARS -- A PINKISH-RED TONGUE!
I was freaking out of my mind. I put the scraper back in and started scraping like a bug-eyed Californian goldminer in 1848, giggling gleefully as I hopped up and down with childish delight. Scrape, scrape, scrape -- the sins of my tongue coming off with each gentle scrape.
I probably scraped for almost five minutes. When I finally cleared it all, I stood there in front of the mirror with my big ol' tongue hanging out like Lassie's on a hot summer day. I was laughing and shaking my head, watching that big beautiful pink tongue that had shamed me for so many years laugh and play in his pinkish-red wonderland.
Maybe I'm going a bit overboard here. But I just can't get enough -- I have literally been going into the bathroom JUST to unfurl my tongue before the mirror so I can admire it, like rolling out the red carpet to Nirvana, watching it sway back and forth like the pendulum of the divine, with myself still wide-eyed and wondrous of the miracle of Dr Tung.
I'm anxious for tomorrow, when I'll surely be over-zealous in showing off my new "look" to others. I even catch myself pondering how I can garner as much exposure time for my new "pride" as possible. I have visions of me jumping up on my coworkers desks and rolling out my best "Gene Simmons".
I then imagine my colleagues leaning over to each others' cubicles, whispering their shocked surprise -- "Goodness gracious, have you seen Stewart today? Something's different about him... Something's different, alright, and whatever it is, I LIKE IT."
[Short version]: BUY THIS SCRAPER. It will take years off your tongue and add them back upon your life.