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Cat Sick All Over My Face
on December 6, 2010
I can remember a defining moment for me in this film when, only a few minutes in, the titular character looks out her car window and sees a CGI unicorn made of clouds running alongside her. I immediately reached for my gun, but a compassionate friend stopped me, ensuring me that this couldn't possibly be the two hour long Guess Jeans commercial it was setting itself up to be.
My friend was damn wrong.
S. Darko is a sequel, like Troll 2 or the Second World War. The direction is hopelessly one-note and plagiaristic, the dialogue is reminiscent of a TV spot for Calvin Klein cologne, and the story is less a sequel, and more an accidental anthology of mini sequels, each sucking a little harder than the last.
Remember the pensive sequences in Donnie Darko where they'd show a time lapse of cloud cover, or morose suburbanites living out their lives to a somber soundtrack? Well, this movie does, and is considerate enough to include 50 or 60 shot-for-shot reproductions of those scenes for those who might've forgotten. With the bulk of the movie thus out of the way, the remaining running time is filled with multiple time travels that are impossible to care about, because they're established, abandoned, and picked up again like a relay baton in the Special Olympics.
Also, the principle relationship between Sam and her idiot friend is painfully bad. You know the one: lifelong friends who have been forged in the crucible of adolescence to become blood sisters. A bond so close that they can only communicate their intimate connection through the following dialogue:
Girl 1: "We're perfect together."
Girl 2: "Immaculate."
I am not making that up. That back and forth happens at least three times. Also, Sam's friend all but spits on her grave over a guy who the friend hooked up with over the course of maybe a week. A guy who ALWAYS has a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his shirt sleeve, exactly like how NO ONE does. The blood is rushing into my eyes again, so I have to stop this now.