Though as a Sociologist I had long resisted, the twin grinds of pandemic lockdowns and middle age finally brought me to my knees before the American God that is the self-help book/podcast. Along with my other favorites, such as Catherine Price and the Nagoski twins' contributions, "Difficult Conversations" is among the self-help resources that I find quite useful and somewhat sociological. I like "Difficult Conversations" because it seems to me to encapsulate what lawyers have learned about humanity, which is far, far more useful than the devastation that common-law lawyers wreak upon humanity in the practice of law. If only common law, and the Antienlightenment American judiciary, were liquidated, replaced with institutions for democratic development, and the profession of law set instead upon this Enlightenment project of coaching people to understand themselves, people, and human communication better, in order to improve our relationships ourselves, like adults with only one life to live.
What lawyers know about humanity comes down to this: From the ersatz "god particle" POV of lawyers, we are all part of the problem, all the problems. If even lawyers, with their two or three years of graduate education, can paint any individual human as at fault in any problem--And they can. That is what they do for a living.--then we all can face our own implication in the reproduction of relational messes. Prioritizing reintegrating human relations, we can tell our important relations how important they are to us, and show them how important they are by recognizing and affirming their brand (the identity they instrumentally and emotionally cling to), and by being curious about what they have to say about what's gone wrong, only after which, we can then tell our story.
I know what some of you are thinking: This book is wildly tone-deaf in a cancel-culture era vibing off the hallowed traditions of capitalist debt shame and the grueling legacy of shame-based religious population control. Yes. Yet if we want to have better relationships with important people in our lives, we need to get right with what it means to be a social human: We are all implicated, though certainly to varying degrees, given social hierarchy. But in the important *micro* relations that we live in--like work, family, and friend relationships, we tend to be a bit more equally implicated in the mess. It's just what it is to be social, to be human rather than an autonomous, mythical angel or demon.
To extricate ourselves from dehumanizing relationship incapacity, we learn to overmaster our fear of shame, blame, and righteous affect. People grip their self-righteous identities, which they have borrowed from aging political and commercial campaigns, and they use them to jockey for resources. But we also hope that people in our lives will take the responsibility to prioritize reason and caring above righteous affect. We can be that leadership.
I thought about "Difficult Conversation's" insights, and tried the communication recommendations. It feels a lot better than drowning in myopic, psychological-warfare storytelling with someone you need. It's not a one-shot deal, though, to reintegrate a long-bruised relationship. It's multiple conversations over time, in each of which it can be helpful to gird yourself to take on conversational responsibility. Imma keep this book around. Perhaps with practice, I will incorporate the approach and be able to more skillfully conduct difficult, reintegrative conversations--whether heading off trouble or restoring broken relationships-- with the important individuals in my life.
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![Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by [Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51G+jbsmsfL._SY346_.jpg)
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