Cataclysmic Unrated Edition
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Prepare for earthshaking hilarity as the raunchy and outrageous team behind Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans puts the world's very survival in the hands of three buxom non-brainiacs. This twisted send-up pulverizes everyone's favorite disaster flicks, pop culture icons and public figures with no-holds-barred humor that will have you quaking with laughter.
Even within the subgenre of grab-bag comedy, Disaster Movie sets a new bar for free-associative lunacy. To what degree there is a plot, it's vaguely stolen from Cloverfield: A handful of twentysomethings try to rescue someone in a city assaulted by an incomprehensible threat--in this case, falling asteroids. But that's just a thread on which to string a long and increasingly tedious series of gestures towards recent movies (ranging from High School Musical to Enchanted to Sex and the City to Kung Fu Panda) and pop culture figures (Amy Winehouse to Flavor Flav to Dr. Phil to, of course, perpetual punching-bag Michael Jackson). No one over 30 will recognize more than a fraction of the movie's references, but the movie's bigger problem is that there are hardly any actual jokes--the filmmakers seem to think that simply alluding to Hancock or Jumper is funny in and of itself... and it just isn't. Disaster Movie will probably appeal to its primary audience of high-school students and repressed frat boys, for whom the mere mention of homosexuality prompts jittery laughter and who find generically pretty girls and studly boys in tight clothing titillating. It's a wasted opportunity; there are moments that, through sheer incompetence and desperation, suggest a surreal stream-of-consciousness. A filmmaker like Luis Bunuel or Federico Fellini could have turned such raw matter into a satirical aria that would genuinely critique a culture that worships Paris Hilton. Instead, we get this. Featuring, as ever, Carmen Electra.--Bret Fetzer
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The film has a tiny seed of a plot about killer asteroids and earthquakes attempting to justify the title as a spoof of disaster movies, but it's mostly an unending series of tangentially related scenes of hormonal teen (or twenty-something) angst and imitation celebrity cameos. Will (Matt Lanter) is the 25-year old protagonist who is having a Sweet 16 party because he never had one. Just...what? Never mind, accept the premise and move on. After the imitation Flava Flav gets naked (not that you asked, but that clock is very concealing), we get to see Kim Kardashian (why is she famous again?) and Carmen Electra wrestling. That's the problem: the entire film is bits and pieces, most of which are themselves unfunny, jammed into an incoherent narrative where everything is stilted and forced, and nothing is genuinely funny. The filmmakers also make an all too common error in this genre, confusing random stupid violence and pointless cursing with humor.
After unfunny impersonations of Dr. Phil and Amy Winehouse, I wondered how much lower it could go. Plenty, as it turns out: Speed Racer shows up to be pointlessly killed with zero payoff, and The Chipmunks show up and sing. I'm not even going to explain the ludicrous endpoint of that subplot. (If you must know, The Chipmunks are killer zombies.) Among the few good things going for the film, an asteroid falls on Hannah Montana, which is a noble cause for the film to get behind, though it rapidly devolves into the worst scene I may have ever seen involving a fight with a very pregnant girl in a "Got Milk?" t-shirt. After we learn that global warming is responsible for all of this somehow (ponder), there's a teleportation subplot that materializes out of nowhere and in a nod to "Twister" a cow falls from the sky. There's even an ear poop joke. (Don't ask.)
Although you'd probably think having your nose in a mousetrap would wake you up, we finally progress to a nude man fighting outside the "Hall of African Mammals". To my knowledge no pangolins were harmed in the making of this movie. You might be wondering what any of this has to do with anything, and that'd be a valid question. Unfortunately though you're in for disappointment, as the grand finale musical number resolves and clarifies nothing and it is fingernails-on-a-blackboard irritating. The entire film is simply pointless and painful to endure.
The DVD comes with extras, including a commentary track, but there was zero chance I would ever sit through this again to watch it. "G-Thang's Tour" is probably the best of the (too) many extras, but like everything else on the DVD, you can feel free to skip it.
Save your soul, DO NOT watch this terrible movie!