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I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated Paperback – February 2, 2010
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From Publishers Weekly
Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with â€œinstance-inappropriate intensityâ€ who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and â€œhabitually dating the damagedâ€ require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references. (Jan.)
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"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)
"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And make me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara
"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band has more wit and all of the tsuris of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy
"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto
Top customer reviews
I really enjoyed this book. It was funny and honest, which isn't always an easy combo. Having said that Julie really does date a butt load of losers, which somewhat makes you question her sanity. I certainly did. I wanted to scream STOP DATING THESE TURDS! But if you were an SATC fan or you've ever lived in NYC you may appreciate this parade of lunacy. Plus if you have schadenfreude tendencies (like myself sometimes) it will fill that little black heart of yours.
I noticed several one or two-star reviews of this book which said things like, "Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers." To those people I want to point out that the author tells us in the first pages of the book: "What follows in this book are selective stories of guys who came on strong, then sputtered out...." The key phrase here is "selective." That is, she wrote about the bad ones, not every single man she dated (I am holding myself back from typing `moron' but, oops, too late. Tourettes typing at work again.)
Other commenters complain "it's not funny, I thought it would be funny." I don't know what sort of cartoon character lives these people live, but stories based on life experiences are very rarely a series of comic monologues. I laughed aloud and often while reading, and I was thoroughly amused throughout.
Finally, to anyone who has never dated a loser, congratulations, but too bad for you. Most of us do not go into relationships with a laundry list of exactly what we want in another person. And even if we did have such a list, good luck in trying to impose your will upon another human being. I think it is much easier to discover what we are looking for and how we want to be treated by recognizing what we absolutely do not want and will no longer tolerate. This is the happy ending of the book, and of most of our mature lives.