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Don't Shoot! I'm Just the Avon Lady! Kindle Edition
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|Length: 250 pages||Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled||Page Flip: Enabled|
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Top customer reviews
This is a memoir written buy a woman living and selling Avon in Southern California, and the variety of "characters" she meets in her Avon selling adventures.
I would like to mention, for anyone who might be confused about it, that Avon does NOT test its products on animals. If it did, I wouldn't be selling the products. I'm vegetarian, not vegan, so I can't vouch for whether the products contain no animal by-products, but I can say with absolute certainty that they do not TEST on animals.
One of my favorites was when she went on an Avon call with a request for lotion. To Birdie's surprise, it was to be used on a pet monkey. "... she led him across the kitchen. ... jumped into my lap. He put long arms around my neck.. and monkey drool started to roll down..."
Another was Birdie taking Avon shampoo to a new client, only to find herself shampooing a bald lady's cat.
Oh, and the Avon foam she sprayed on a rat that was about to attack her.
Birdie lives in the EXCERPT "golden curve of Southern California that swells with tourists every day of the year, swells with yuppies who point cameras at the seals and snap" in the land of "six thousand chi-chi clothing boutiques and enough New Age churches to save the world if only their attendees tossed enough money the coffers and rattled endless affirmations." END EXCERPT
She's searching for a vitamin, not just ANY vitamin, but an appeasement for an extremely demanding customer, and so Birdie goes to all the vitamin stores, and ...
EXCERPT "tumbled down the coast, closer and closer to the land of sunset money, until I landed in La Jolla, in a high-end grocery store by the highway, by the sea. I tried to forget the phone call that rattled my nerves, made me so unstable that I promised a cranky customer I would find her vitamin holy grail." END EXCERPT
In looking for the ultimate vitamin for an Avon customer, a wonder happens. Wonders always happen in Birdie-land. A customer at the vitamin store notices Birdie's flawless complexion and wants to know what she uses, because the woman's friend has a zit, a bad, bad zit. And he's giving a concert. And then it happens. Not the zit. Yes, there was a zit, but ...
EXCERPT..."it wasn't the sheer sexy loveliness of his carefully groomed pompadour - it was The Voice. He whispered "Hey Baby" and ran his hand along the back of the woman so much like a La Jolla munchkin next to him, a drop-dead gorgeous singer-actor, a man whose songs rang out of my van tape player on all those Saturday drives with my Turkish friend, the music we loved so much, music with sparse guitar and lullaby border hymns, music where you sing and think and dream, just wonder." END EXCERPT
...She gives him the brochure of Avon products and...
EXCERPT "He lifted the brochure, touched it with music-god long fingers, lifted it, opened it in a gesture of kindness''...and `' that night I met The Voice near midnight dream waters. I didn't dwell on the tampon, didn't carry a purse as I hovered in the ether. The Voice stood and began unbuttoning his shirt. As sun hit bare skin, he dove into the water, popped to the surface and treaded water. I didn't stop to think, left my clothes in a heap and dove in, too. We swam for twenty minutes, maybe half an hour, climbed out and lay on the lava rocks in the sun, let the heat beat down and dry our bodies, dry my mind. I didn't make the first move. He didn't either. I think the ancient volcano forced fire around us, drove us into each other. Our fingers met, eyes, then legs, arms, mouths, a tangle of island sweat and fury on the edge of an unrelenting ocean.
...Ring! The phone pulled me back to the black rust of night. I raised my head and opened..." END EXCERPT
Her stories lift you up over the desert and let you float on a magic carpet over the atomic detritus of our lives, as she examines the human condition and the mysteries of life. You will agree. Nobody can write like Birdie. You can't describe her writing. You just have to breathe her work for yourself.
The author has an interesting and creative writing form. She sets the scene with detailed descriptions of both people and what they are wearing to her surroundings, and the history of the neighborhood. At times interesting, but more often, frustrating filler. I don't do spoilers, so I will avoid discussing the details. Towards the end of the book, when I'm expecting some of the recurring story lines that did keep popping up to be resolved, I started getting very frustrated at the length of the set up. But even worse was after the teases throughout the book and the long drawn out build up, the conclusions were anticlimactic. The story didn't end, it just stopped.
Pluses for the author's ability to use words to create images in one's mind, feelings, and finding ways to add humor. Minuses for lack of a consistent story line, lack of conclusions, and editing missteps.
Most recent customer reviews
it moved to slow.
I think it needed more of something.