Sheds new light on depression in men and its far-reaching, terrible influence on us and those around us.
If you, like me, always hated those terms like "toxic masculinity" and "vulnerability" and thought feelings are for weaklings who can't get results, and that SJWs or libs were just using those terms as a way to control men -
Terry Real explains these things in a way that's not patronizing nor shaming. He explains why we feel the way we do and what it does to us and the people around us. He explains why it holds us back. And he does it all in a way that resonates deeply with any man that has felt this way, and probably will resonate with people who've had a man like this in their lives.
Read this if you want to break the dark spell on your life, and protect your children and family from the same.
I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Reprint Edition, Kindle Edition
by
Terrence Real
(Author)
Format: Kindle Edition
|
Terrence Real
(Author)
Find all the books, read about the author, and more.
See search results for this author
Are you an author?
Learn about Author Central
|
Flip to back
Flip to front
Audible Sample
Playing...
Paused
You are listening to a sample of the Audible narration for this Kindle book.
Learn more
Learn more
ISBN-13:
978-0684835396
ISBN-10:
0684835398
Why is ISBN important?
ISBN
Scan an ISBN with your phone
Use the Amazon App to scan ISBNs and compare prices.
This bar-code number lets you verify that you're getting exactly the right version or edition of a book. The 13-digit and 10-digit formats both work.
Use the Amazon App to scan ISBNs and compare prices.
Add to book club
Loading your book clubs
There was a problem loading your book clubs. Please try again.
Not in a club?
Learn more
Join or create book clubs
Choose books together
Track your books
Bring your club to Amazon Book Clubs, start a new book club and invite your friends to join, or find a club that’s right for you for free.
Buy
$14.99
eBook features:
- Highlight, take notes, and search in the book
- In this edition, page numbers are just like the physical edition
- Length: 384 pages
- Word Wise: Enabled
- Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
- Page Flip: Enabled
-
Audible book:
Available
Audible book
Switch back and forth between reading the Kindle book and listening to the Audible book with Whispersync for Voice. Add the Audible book for a reduced price of $7.49 when you buy the Kindle book.
Kindle e-Readers
Fire Tablets
Fire Phones
Sold by:
Simon and Schuster Digital Sales Inc
An Amazon Book with Buzz: "The Therapist" by B. A. Paris
"Suspicion, betrayal and dark secrets abound in this tense story." ―T.M. Logan Learn more
Customers who bought this item also bought
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and WomenKindle Edition
The New Rules of MarriageKindle Edition
Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say: Destroying Myths, Creating LoveKindle Edition
Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) Third Edition: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful ActsCaroll TavrisKindle Edition
When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your RelationshipKindle Edition
How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed: The No BS Guide for MenKindle Edition
Customers who viewed this item also viewed
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and WomenKindle Edition
The New Rules of MarriageKindle Edition
Unmasking Male Depression: Reconize the Root Cause to Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence and Sexual CompulsionsArchibald HartKindle Edition
Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to JoyKindle Edition
The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic UnhappinessMark WilliamsKindle Edition
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with AddictionGabor Mate MdKindle Edition
Amazon Business: Make the most of your Amazon Business account with exclusive tools and savings. Login now
Editorial Reviews
Review
Richard Higgins The Boston Globe An important book about men and depression that is uplifting...Men will recognize the other men found here: laconic bullet-biters, 'rage-aholics,' emotional runaways, and badly fathered sons turned into disconnected dads who spill their emotional truths onto the page.
Michael Kimmel San Francisco Chronicle Book Review Extraordinary...brings to light a hidden history of male depression...A powerful book.
Pamela Warrick Los Angeles Times The most provocative in a flood of new books on depression...The only volume that speaks exclusively to and about depressed men.
Michael Kimmel San Francisco Chronicle Book Review Extraordinary...brings to light a hidden history of male depression...A powerful book.
Pamela Warrick Los Angeles Times The most provocative in a flood of new books on depression...The only volume that speaks exclusively to and about depressed men.
About the Author
Terrence Real is a psychotherapist in private practice. He has taught couples and family therapy, principally at the Family Institute of Cambridge, for twenty years. He lives with his wife and two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
Amazon.com Review
When Terrence Real was studying to be a therapist, he accepted the notion that women suffered depression at rates several times that of men. Now he believes that conventional wisdom is wrong, that there has been a great cultural cover-up of depression in men. Real is convinced of the existence of a mental illness that is passed from fathers to sons in the form of rage, workaholism, distanced relationships from loved ones, and self-destructive behaviors ranging from stupid choices at work and in love to drug and alcohol abuse. Men reading I Don't Want to Talk About It will probably recognize themselves in every chapter, while women will recognize their partners--and, of course, both sexes will see their fathers in a new light.
--This text refers to the paperback edition.
From Publishers Weekly
Hidden male depression is the focus of this clear, compelling book by a Massachusetts family psychotherapist who specializes in working with dysfunctional men. Because our culture socializes boys to mask feelings of vulnerability, he says, they bury deep within themselves damaging childhood trauma and its ensuing depressive effects when they become men. This strongly reasoned study starts out with an illustration of the "toxic legacy" that is passed, often for generations, from father to son, with each chapter adding another piece to the complex face. The lucid exposition of ideas is made more vivid through dramatizing. Real uses "composite" cases, so no actual person is depicted except the author himself. One of the most arresting aspects of the book is the autobiographical thread that he weaves throughout. Real's central concern is what he calls covert depression, a pain-filled, inchoate state that may or may not eventually erupt into overt depression. The book is wise beyond its stated scope: in setting up a model for the nature, etiology and treatment of male depression, Real ends up offering-with some gender variants-an almost universal paradigm. BOMC, QPB and One Spirit alternates.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From Booklist
In our culture, men are supposed to be tough and stoic, revealing few emotions. But that is a facade, psychotherapist Real argues. Many men are suffering a great deal of pain, even to the point of depression, yet their very training as males keeps it hidden, forcing them into denial. Using case studies and examples from his own life, Real examines "covert depression," where men try to ease their pain through such abusive behaviors as overwork and alcoholism. He convincingly argues that covert depression is in fact a disease, even though the medical community has yet to recognize it as such. He then discusses the different traumas that might lead to covert depression, the disease's many manifestations, and ways to recognize it, face up to it, and begin to heal. Part self-help, part cultural critique, this useful book will also be a welcome addition to men's movement literature. Brian McCombie
--This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From Library Journal
Real, a psychologist with 20 years of experience treating men and their families, begins with a poignant scene of his father starting to open up and share the pain of his life. From there, Real unravels the buried feelings men have and how these feelings can lead to estrangement from self and family. The wounded boy grows to be a wounding man, inflicting on those closest to him the very distresses he refuses to acknowledge in himself. Real discusses the relation of depression to addictive behaviors, not only drug or alcohol abuse but also workaholism, gambling, and other compulsions. The cure is in confronting the addictive defenses and allowing the hidden pain to emerge. Throughout, Real gives examples of men who discover cruel, shocking traumas from childhood and their adult depression by undergoing guided imagery, talking in a group of similarly depressed men, or discussing the trauma in family counseling. Highly recommended for both public and academic libraries as well as professional counseling collections.?Susan E. Burdick, MLS, Reading, Pa.
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
From Kirkus Reviews
An absorbing and informative look at the hidden long-term depression that constricts or undermines the relationships of many American men. Real, a family therapist and teacher at the Cambridge (Mass.) Family Institute, contends that most male depression is undiagnosed because it is veiled by addictive and compulsive behavior using such varied ``drugs'' as alcohol, work, violence, and sex. Its key symptom is ``relational immaturity,'' an inability or unwillingness to truly confide in and be vulnerable before a partner or child. Real traces this problem in part to the gender-polarized socialization of American children. From an early age, boys are encouraged to seek esteem through ``hierarchical competition'' while being discouraged from expressing feelings and bonding with others. In addition, boys sometimes ``carry'' the depression suffered by their fathers and expressed through emotional abuse or neglect. Much of Real's argument has been made by other clinical and popular psychologists, but he states his case particularly vividly, drawing richly on his own family history, his clinical practice, myth and legend, film and fiction. He also offers advice and case studies on how the therapist might resolve depression by helping patients overcome their fear of intimacy and redefine their notion of success. He also recounts active therapeutic interventions to stop the kind of toxic family dynamics that a husband's depression can help generate. On the downside, Real overfocuses on the father-son relationship; there is too little here on how depressed or narcissistic mothers may contribute to long-term male depression, much less on how siblings or societal factors may do so. Stylistically, it is somewhat marred by repetition, and the occasional use of a clumsy phrase (``rageaholism'') or hyperbolic generalization, such as a reference to ``the state of alienation we call manhood.'' Fortunately, such lapses are a minor part of what otherwise is an important and rewarding work. (Author tour) -- Copyright ©1996, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.
--This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
Review
"Offers not only crucial insights to men suffering from depression but also comfort and guidance to the women who love them." ---John Bradshaw
--This text refers to an alternate kindle_edition edition.
Product details
- ASIN : B000FC0Q0C
- Publisher : Scribner; Reprint edition (March 11, 1999)
- Publication date : March 11, 1999
- Language : English
- File size : 1301 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Not Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 384 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 0684835398
- Lending : Not Enabled
-
Best Sellers Rank:
#137,173 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #68 in Depression (Kindle Store)
- #75 in Men's Health (Kindle Store)
- #84 in Gender Studies (Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
Customer reviews
4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
781 global ratings
How are ratings calculated?
To calculate the overall star rating and percentage breakdown by star, we don’t use a simple average. Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzes reviews to verify trustworthiness.
Top reviews
Top reviews from the United States
There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later.
Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2018
Report abuse
Verified Purchase
27 people found this helpful
Helpful
Reviewed in the United States on August 11, 2017
Verified Purchase
I am currently reading this book and I wish I had read it years ago. This is a MUST READ for men or women that are married to men that they suspect might have struggles with depression, anger, addiction etc. This is a life changer for me. If you really love someone, you help them face their issues; you don't enable. If you are even considering this book, you probably really need it. I wish I had heard of it years earlier.
28 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2020
Verified Purchase
I advise against this book. The authors preaches a negative view of men, in-line with the view that masculinity is evil and the source of all men's problems. His writing displays little empathy or concern for men beyond a desire to "cure them of masculinity." The therapeutic techniques he models in the text are unsympathetic. He shames and attacks his male patients, with little regard for what they are feeling. If this is his style, does he endorse harassing his female clients as well? I did not learn anything useful from this book. There are much better books out there for those interested in helping men by honoring their differences instead of painting them as broken.
8 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2017
Verified Purchase
In terms of understanding covert depression, Terry is spot on. For any men raised in a difficult home this book is a treasure map for finding the reward of healing. Terry is a tad political and ventures down some paths, a little too far, to make a point but his insight and diagnosis are on point.
If western medicine is on top of the male depression issue than why do men exceed women in suicide nearly 4 to 1? Why are there so many psychotic meds available from your doctor? I'd suggest there are many misdiagnosed men who need to address prior trauma and don't have a clue about it.
I've suggested this book to many men and especially any counselor or pastor who works with men.
If western medicine is on top of the male depression issue than why do men exceed women in suicide nearly 4 to 1? Why are there so many psychotic meds available from your doctor? I'd suggest there are many misdiagnosed men who need to address prior trauma and don't have a clue about it.
I've suggested this book to many men and especially any counselor or pastor who works with men.
24 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2019
Verified Purchase
Mr. Real's personal and professional experiences infuse this terrific book with page-turning stories, research, case studies, and his assertions about the often overlooked reality and nuances of male depression. From the first sentence until the very last word, I found I simply could not put the book down. I was completely engaged by his conviction that male depression (and often female) is often a result of a combination of factors including genetics, and a child witnessing and interacting with alternating passive and active trauma by adults lacking appropriate shame throughout a person's life. This, combined with the narrow constraints of traditional masculine socialization further cuts a boy off from his own natural inheritance of a rich emotional inner world, resulting in covert/overt depression in men. Instead of healthy self-worth, he becomes either overtly depressed or covertly depressed (and acting out via addiction to substances or destructive behaviors). It is an often missed, misdiagnosed, and socially taboo topic, making it exceedingly difficult for a man to even be aware of his own feelings and certainly even of his own depression, and near impossible to ask for help for dread of shaming himself as less of a man. Mr. Real's work shines bright light on this dark and hidden mess, he makes a clear case for the need for healing and reconnection to the relational. Absolutely brilliant work. I found myself re-reading and taking notes and sharing it with others.
9 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2016
Verified Purchase
Terry Real’s book, I Don't Want to Talk About It, has been around since 1998. I just discovered it after using his book, The New Rules of Marriage, for couples as bibliotherapy, but that’s another story and excellent book.
Terry takes a Trauma Informed look at men and their childhood development. He concludes that men are denied their mother’s support at a critical time in their development: when they are taught to “be a man” by their fathers and the surrounding culture. Their transition from attachment to independence and emotional competence is never resolved.
Boys are admonished by the culture that “men don’t cry,” “your mom will turn you into a sissy boy,” or worse, they are admonished by their peers for being “gay” or a “girly boy” when showing feelings.
His thesis is that men are left susceptible to depression that is often suppressed into a covert form. One of the few feelings allowed readily expressed by men is anger. Anger, driven by deprivation maternal attachment into depression, explodes outward into rage, often directed at women.
Terry is a great writer and believes passionately in his Emotional Focused Therapy like approach to helping men.
And the book works as bibliotherapy, to tease out those suppressed emotions from men in therapy. Men can readily identify with Terry’s personal story and approach.
Terry takes a Trauma Informed look at men and their childhood development. He concludes that men are denied their mother’s support at a critical time in their development: when they are taught to “be a man” by their fathers and the surrounding culture. Their transition from attachment to independence and emotional competence is never resolved.
Boys are admonished by the culture that “men don’t cry,” “your mom will turn you into a sissy boy,” or worse, they are admonished by their peers for being “gay” or a “girly boy” when showing feelings.
His thesis is that men are left susceptible to depression that is often suppressed into a covert form. One of the few feelings allowed readily expressed by men is anger. Anger, driven by deprivation maternal attachment into depression, explodes outward into rage, often directed at women.
Terry is a great writer and believes passionately in his Emotional Focused Therapy like approach to helping men.
And the book works as bibliotherapy, to tease out those suppressed emotions from men in therapy. Men can readily identify with Terry’s personal story and approach.
26 people found this helpful
Report abuse
5.0 out of 5 stars
I've read them all, and this book is hands-down the best guide about depression in men I've found.
Reviewed in the United States on December 13, 2014Verified Purchase
I've read them all, and this book is hands-down the best guide about depression in men I've found...and I don't expect to find a better book on this subject, I've stopped looking. This book's author KNOWS the special shame that comes with being a depressed man.
Spoiler alert: this book will make you look at yourself to examine the causes of your depression and ways to get out of it, but not a single step of this journey is easy or a miracle. Once you open this book, you will realize you aren't suffering alone. Finally, this book tackles unhealthy male stereotypes and tendencies that get us into trouble, sickness, or into an early grave.
DON'T LET DEPRESSION SHAME YOU OUT OF LIVING A FULL, HAPPY LIFE. YOU DESERVE IT!
Spoiler alert: this book will make you look at yourself to examine the causes of your depression and ways to get out of it, but not a single step of this journey is easy or a miracle. Once you open this book, you will realize you aren't suffering alone. Finally, this book tackles unhealthy male stereotypes and tendencies that get us into trouble, sickness, or into an early grave.
DON'T LET DEPRESSION SHAME YOU OUT OF LIVING A FULL, HAPPY LIFE. YOU DESERVE IT!
18 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Top reviews from other countries
Lorelie
5.0 out of 5 stars
Well Written
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 1, 2019Verified Purchase
A very readable book on male depression. The author shares his own story in the book which I liked and appreciated very much.
One person found this helpful
Report abuse
Wsykes
5.0 out of 5 stars
fantastic enlightening read
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 13, 2014Verified Purchase
If you are reading this to try and understand your own life it wont disappoint. The terminology is quite psychological but explained a lot to me and gave me several moments of clarity of why I am like I am.
I have been able to reflect on my own upbringing and understand where things may have affected my mental state and the book has also given me a deeper understanding of my parents.
I have been able to reflect on my own upbringing and understand where things may have affected my mental state and the book has also given me a deeper understanding of my parents.
4 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Adam
4.0 out of 5 stars
Some great anecdotes
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 18, 2019Verified Purchase
Some great anecdotes, well put together, quite emotional
One person found this helpful
Report abuse
scjmar
4.0 out of 5 stars
Hidden suffering
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 15, 2016Verified Purchase
This is a gift for a male friend. So few books are written specifically for men about this subject, and I was pleased to find one that appears fairly easy to read and digest
2 people found this helpful
Report abuse
KJB
4.0 out of 5 stars
it is mainly aimed at solving depression that is caused by trauma and so might not be useful if suffering from a different type
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 10, 2014Verified Purchase
A very interesting and insightful book. it is mainly aimed at solving depression that is caused by trauma and so might not be useful if suffering from a different type of depression but a fascinating read and look into the male psyche and culture.
3 people found this helpful
Report abuse
Customers who read this book also read
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and WomenKindle Edition
The New Rules of MarriageKindle Edition
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the BondKindle Edition
The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting LoveKindle Edition
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression FalloutKindle Edition
Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) Third Edition: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful ActsCaroll TavrisKindle Edition
Get everything you need
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the BondKindle Edition
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Lovebell hooksKindle Edition
Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) Third Edition: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful ActsCaroll TavrisKindle Edition
How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and TranscendenceKindle Edition
Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, And It's Time to Get Real About ItKindle Edition
Cry Like a Man: Fighting for Freedom from Emotional IncarcerationKindle Edition