- Hardcover: 224 pages
- Publisher: Workman Publishing Company (February 5, 2019)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1523504463
- ISBN-13: 978-1523504466
- Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.8 x 8.1 inches
- Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Customer Reviews: 328 customer ratings
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,422 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Hardcover – February 5, 2019
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“Whether you are already in a long term committed relationship or are just starting one, Eight Dates is an essential guide to building and maintaining true and lasting love. Based on decades of scientific studies and clinical wisdom from our world’s leading visionaries in romance, this fabulous book will enable you to engage in fun and constructive conversations to nurture a love that can grow for a lifetime!” —Daniel J. Siegel, MD, New York Times bestselling author, Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence
"Brilliant" —The Chicago Tribune
About the Author
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I read one of Gottman’s earlier books called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work when my husband and I were having a rough time just after we were married. It absolutely changed the way I approached our relationship, and it helped us both better communicate so we could come together to work through our issues and move on. (We've been married 13 years now.)
I was expecting good things from Eight Dates, and boy did it deliver. The book is divided into eight sections, one for each date. The dates cover eight of the most meaningful, important, and, often, contentious topics that couples deal with: trust and commitment, conflict, sex, money, family, fun and adventure, growth and spirituality, and dreams. Before the dates are introduced, an intro gives characteristics of successful marriages, as well as advice on how to have an intimate conversation and how to listen.
There is SO MUCH interesting info in this book! I know not everyone is going to froth at the mouth over learning how couples interact with each other, but I seriously couldn’t get enough. It’s all so interesting to me, discovering what is “normal” and what actually creates a lasting connection, especially when it doesn’t necessarily match up with what I expected. Some of my favorite insights:
*** Successful marriages have 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
*** Sixty-nine percent of conflicts in most marriages will never be solved. The trick is to fight about (or let go of) these issues effectively.
*** Eighty-percent of married couples have sex at least a few times a month. Of those, 32% have sex 2 to 3 times a week.
*** Studies have shown that dual-career couples with young children spend only 10% of their evenings together, with most of that time spent discussing errands. (In other words, they have to work extra hard to keep that romantic spark alive…)
*** The five most common subjects that couples fight about are money, sex, in-laws, alcohol or drug use, and parenting.
*** Arguments about the unpaid work in a relationship (chores and childcare) tend to cause the most conflict.
*** The eight most important elements of a successful marriage are fidelity, good sex, division of chores, adequate income, good housing, shared religious beliefs, shared interests, and children.
*** Stay at home parents do about $90,000 worth of work per year. (#preach)
*** An early indicator of the future success of a marriage happens during pregnancy and the birth of a child. If a husband (the study only involved heterosexual couples) is involved during pregnancy and birth, the marriage will be happier later on. A father tends to stay involved with the children through the years if his marriage has low conflict and there is continued sex.
*** Play is a vital component of a relationship. Couples who play together, stay together. This includes experiencing laughter, excitement, anxiety, and curiosity, both separately and together.
*** Conflict is how our relationships grow.
*** It’s important for couples to share their dreams with each other. Keeping your dreams from your partner leads to bitterness, resentment, loss of passion and desire, and distance.
*** Every person has a dream or life purpose, and it should never be sacrificed for the relationship. It’s possible for both people to achieve their dreams, just typically not at the same time.
Is that too much to share? I seriously could go on and on. I just find this stuff fascinating.
Practically speaking, this book is very user-friendly. It talks about each topic, summarizes the chapter, then lays out a date night plan complete with suggestions for how to prepare, where to go, problems to look out for, questions to ask, and an affirmation to say together at the end of the date. It’s intense but also very doable. My husband and I haven’t gone through each of these dates yet, but the ones we’ve done have been really interesting and made us feel more connected.
In short, I’d recommend this book to any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level. Five enthusiastic stars!
This is a book where ideally each spouse has a copy or has a copy they can easily share. For this reason, the hardbound copy would be a better purchase. While useful for couples of all ages, couples still in the earlier years of their relationship will benefit the most from this resource. Marriage therapists and pre-marital counselors will wish to add this resource to their arsenal of tools as well.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the book Eight Dates via NetGalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
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also what i think is MASSIVELY missing: how the modern world/smartfones/fast pased hire and fire money/capitalism influences couples. (probably not so well)