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Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry Hardcover – August 16, 2000
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- Print length368 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherMcGraw-Hill
- Publication dateAugust 16, 2000
- Dimensions6.25 x 1 x 9 inches
- ISBN-100071352597
- ISBN-13978-0071352598
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From the Back Cover
The vampires in this book are people who are antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid and exhibit qualities that can be both charming and dangerous. If you don't understand them, vampires can draw you in, drive you crazy, and drain you dry. In this book, Dr. Albert Bernstein reveals the secrets that will protect you once and for all.
Emotional Vampires are out there . . . masquerading as ordinary people. Look down the street, where your charming neighbor oozes cordiality as he spreads stories behind your back. Look in the next cubicle, at that fast-rising corporate player who is paying so much attention to the machinations of office politics that she doesn't have time to actually do her job---she expects you to do it for her.
Emotional Vampires may lurk in your office, in your family, and in your circle of friends; perhaps they even share your bed. Chances are, you know all too many of them. Bright, talented, and charismatic, they win your trust, your confidence, and your affection--then drain you of your emotional energy. Take heart as you walk through the darkness, it doesn't have to be that way--the more you know about vampires, the less power they have over you.
Whether you're stalked by self-serving Narcissists, hedonistic Antisocials, exhausting Paranoids, or over-the-top Histrionic drama queens, this book will help you to protect yourself by teaching you to recognize the various vampire types before they get close enough to do damage, and what to do if you find yourself under attack. Emotional Vampires brings valuable advice, psychological perspective, much-needed humor to the most difficult and draining of human relationships.
Now you can take on those creatures of darkness with supersized egos and invisible consciences, the blood-sucking parasites who seem to think you exist only for their convenience, the monstrous tantrum-throwers who take no responsibility for their own actions, and even those poor little waifs who can't seem to do anything for themselves--tame them or send them back into the night to find easier prey. By the end of Emotional Vampires, you'll be armed with knowledge and tools, and all the confidence you need to take on the most draining people in your life and win without shedding the first drop of blood.
Albert J. Bernstein, Ph. D. (Portland, Oregon), is the author of Dinosaur Brains, Neanderthals at Work, and Sacred Bull. A clinical psychologist, speaker, columnist, and business consultant, Dr. Bernstein is well known for teaching people to confront difficult and frightening situations with wit, wisdom, grace, and liberal doses of humor.
Emotional Vampires helps you deal with those coworkers, friends, and family members who would like nothing better than to drain your emotional and psychological well-being. Giving you the keys to understanding the nature of their behaviors and the way their brains work, Dr. Bernstein details a whole range of personality types and human responses and shows you what to expect and what to watch out for. Learn to spot the "vampires" in your life, and discover a range of defense strategies for when you find yourself under attack.
About the Author
Product details
- Publisher : McGraw-Hill (August 16, 2000)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 368 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0071352597
- ISBN-13 : 978-0071352598
- Item Weight : 1.15 pounds
- Dimensions : 6.25 x 1 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,798,863 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3,364 in Popular Psychology Personality Study
- #5,365 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #14,792 in Business Management (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author

Dr. Al Bernstein is a Clinical Psychologist, Business Consultant and author. Over the past 30 years, he has worked with individual clients of all kinds and consulted with businesses large and small. His writing reflects the variety of his experiences as well as his humor and solid common sense. His books offer step-by-step instructions for dealing with difficult people and situations. Two of them, Dinosaur Brains, on the role of instincts in business, and Emotional Vampires on personality disorders are considered classics in their respective fields.
Born, raised and educated in Virginia, Dr. Al now lives in Oregon with his wife, children, granddaughter, two dogs and three cats.
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Nicely put together. Great advice. Great addition to your library.
I often wondered why certain people, including many of my friends I am unhappy to say, irritated me at times. Now I understand how these “emotional vampires” seem to suck the life out of you. As an example, one of my best friends was surprised and stunned when I suggested he get checked out for hyper-activity because he just could not stop talking about himself, his accomplishments, his work, and the projects he is working on at this time. He just did not recognize the fact that his constant talking got on people’s nerves. People would often avoid sitting in the same area he was in because of his enormous ego etc.
This book is organized into five parts and I strongly suggest you read the entire book beginning from the first page in order to better understand the emotional vampires we all have come across in our lives. The first 4 chapters provide an introduction to these vampires and how to recognize them. The first part of this book explains the anti-social types of lovable rogues. The second part focuses on the histrionic types: show business vampire style. The third part covers one of the most aggravating vampires which are the narcissistic types with huge egos who just can’t stop talking about themselves. The fourth part is about the obsessive-compulsive types, which are especially dangerous because they are sometimes combined with the narcissistic traits, which means double trouble. The final part is the paranoid vampires who sees thing others can’t see.
This is a book that should be read by everyone who desires to better understand the people who share our lives, and also those who may have these emotional vampires’ personality traits and wonder why people seem to avoid them. This book is a wonderful and highly informative evaluation of people many of us deal with every day.
Rating: 5 Stars. Joseph J. Truncale (Author: Never trust a politician: Critical reviews of politics and politicians)
1. "Overuse of the Vampire analogies and other metaphors and imagery." Whoever found them distracting was just not understanding them. Bernstein uses each one to make a very specific point, and with their aid he makes that point compeletely clear and accessible. He does use the vampire analogy, but at almost every turn there's a new take on it. His writing is very colorful and just as intentional.
Also, Bernstein is uproariously funny (but never funny just for the sake of being funny). And a lot of that is in his use of metaphors, etc. Before I got 1/2 way through, I checked the 'about the author' to see if he'd done stand-up comedy on the side. Apparently he does a lot of public speaking. A good comedian points out things you haven't really thought about and then makes them entertaining. And when you laugh at something it usually means that you can relate to it and that you completely understand the message. The clarity and liveliness needed to be an effective public speaker, along with the didactic humor, keep things humming from cover to cover. If you're not at least giving a chuckle every few pages or so, either you're not getting it, or there's a much more serious concern...
2. "Not enough concrete advice." Whoever could think this, they are truly not seeing the forest for the trees! This book is loaded with practical advice and revolves around delivering that advice in the most effective way.
I identified my vampire, and I'm going to take a totally different approach to them based on the practical information I found here. In fact Bernstein says outright that while finding the root cause of a disorder can be interesting, it can often be a distraction from how to deal with the practical issues you have face. And, true to his word, everything he says either frames his practical advice, tees it up or delivers it--usually with illustrations on how one might apply it.
3. "There are better books out there on the subject." It's hard to imagine. Maybe there are. But it's all moot anyway when the critic doesn't actually provide any alternative titles or make any effort to back the statement up.
While you're reading and enjoying, you're picking up some rather subtle points all along the way, maybe without even quite realizing how difficult it would really be to take up these otherwise abstract and difficult points and then render them as accessible as Bernstein does. This book is full of valuable tools, and concepts that are crucial to understanding and dealing with this type of person. I know, based on personal experience--frighteningly personal experience.
My vampire is a paranoid obsessive-compulsive. Bernstein illustrates a typical conversation that an OC vampire might have, and I've had that EXACT SAME conversation, in almost identical circumstances and which included a lot of the same exact words and phrases!
Bernstein accomplishes everything, and more, that one would want to see in a practical introduction to the more common personality disorders--only EXTREMELY WELL! After reading this book you'll feel a lot less alone in your situation and a lot more equipped to deal with your vampires.
The analogy of a vampire worked pretty well to get the author's point across. I've also read Martha Stout's book "The Sociopath Next Door" The Sociopath Next Door which was hugely helpful but light on helpful advice on how to deal with this person (her advice is to cut off all contact and protect yourself - not always possible). I think this book works great with her book to explain sociopaths (and more with the Vampire book) and figure out what to do about it.
When it comes to dealing with these tricky customers, understanding what makes a person tick is half the battle. I have read many of these psychology 101-type books and this one is unusual in that it includes a useful discussion of histrionics: other books barely touch on the subject. He does not dissect their dark underbelly enough though I think. They can actually be highly vindictive to anyone who doesn’t give them the approval they crave.
Towards the end the authors own bias and discrimination becomes clear however. On page 212 he classifies anyone who believes in a literal interpretation of the bible -or any religious text- as personality-disordered, summarily insulting 84% of the global population. It becomes a thinly-veiled attack on Christians. Later he describes religious people as paranoids, then dismisses "offers of salvation through belief" as a fantasy. And so on. Then he introduces his own new-agey belief system: "the divinity within". So clearly he's not prejudiced against faith-based belief per se. Just any religion that differs from his own.
Dr. Bernstein divides these vampires up in groups, each with certain characteristics which might differ from their counterparts. We are also advised how to overcome (or co-exist with) each different group. This is invaluable. Again, I can't say it enough - I wish I would have had this book 13 years ago!
What I liked is that it also provides insights into the minds of each individual group of emotional vampires. I have read so many things I just wanted to highlight and underline! I will DEFINITELY be reading this book again, with highligher in hand. I can think of at least two people right off who really need this book and would greatly appreciate it.
Not only does it help identify others who may be bleeding you dry but it also helps identify certain characteristics in yourself as well, and teaches you how to co-exist with yourself, so to speak.
I recognized a barrage of people that I have known over the years in this book, and I also recognized myself in some parts. I would highly recommend this book to anyone, especially those in their 20s just entering the corporate and serious relationship phase of their lives. The most important part is recognizing and then in turn, knowing what will work with certain groups and what will not work with others. Dr. Bernstein does a wonderful job, and this is also an entertaining read.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is a critical thinker, and enjoys learning about the odd personality disorders that plague many in today's world. I did not, in any way, find this book to be arrogant or irritating, and that's because I am a seeker of knowledge. However, I can see where some may find themselves within this book, and realize that they might have personality issues themselves. Then it's up to the person to fix those issues. Some do I suppose, and some don't, but all in all, this book was educational and well written, and I will say thanks to the author for sharing his knowledge, putting pen to paper and writing about a subject that needs to be written about!
If you find yourself questioning certain friendships, people or acquaintances, then I highly recommend this book for educating yourself on the people in your life who have exhibited traits of emotional vampirism, and by reading it, learn what you can do about it.
I gave this book five stars because it teaches, and I think it accomplished that goal with it's content.
The focus of this book is individuals with personality disorders. The author, (Bernstein, 2001) refers to these individuals as emotional vampires and emphasizes that they are not like regular people. They go through life by their own rules and they are not fair. They use us to meet their needs. They draw us in and then drain us dry.
Bernstein (2001) limits the discussion of personality disorders to only five of the eleven disorders covered in Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) of American Psychiatric Association (APA). The coverage includes: (1) Antisocial ,(2) Histrionic, (3) Narcissism, (4) Obsessive Compulsive, & (5) Paranoia. The author includes scenarios to illustrate the traits of these personality disordered individuals. Humor is also used liberally to make the major points. I believe that the damage done by these personality disordered individuals is a serious matter. I recognize that one way to handle profoundly serious subject matter is to make it funny. However, for whatever reason I did not care much about Bernstein's funny approach. There is no doubt that after reading the book, you will be more informed about these personality disordered individuals. You might also learn how to deal with them. I recommend that you visit Bernstein's website. It contains useful information for dealing with negative emotions and difficult human beings.
A second benefit is trying to not inflict pain on others by MY personality.
He describes what it's like inside their minds. In extremes, the best thing he says MAY be to avoid them, especially if you're not willing to manage them in your life. They may represent either gifted and talented people or cranks, depending on the person or situation. He describes the usual reactions people use to deal with them, and why that doesn't work.
He offers a BALANCED viewpoint that seems to carry credibility.
Bernstein had definite strategies for managing my paranoid, jealous ex-girlfriend that would have worked, had I known and not tried to address her fears for her.
I see that I have always been attracted to extreme (and immature) personalities in friendships, and am one myself, though I think I have my own stuff completely repaired and managed by now. (yeah, right)
This book addresses some confusion about people that has baffled me forever. I laughed out loud several times.
If you are unfortunate enough to meet an extreme case, the general advice- don't try to change them, be as dull and uninteresting as possible while you tiptoe quietly away.
After each section, I would write the names of the people who fit the profile. Me included. I now know who to avoid, who to help, and changes I want to make on my own behavior (I fit the paranoid list almost perfectly)
I recommend this book highly. Even if you have no plans to change, it is very entertaining.





