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Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry Paperback – March 22, 2002
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"Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these predatory personalities."Boston Globe
From bestselling author Albert J. Bernstein
The author of Dinosaur Brains offers protection from people who seek to destroy the emotional and psychological well-being of others. Like the fabled demons, these vampires:
- Think their needs are more important than yours
- Believe "the rules" apply only to other people
- Use their tempers in the same way terrorists use bombs
Emotional Vampires tells readers how to spot a "vampire" in their lives, which defense strategies to employ to prevent one from striking, and what to do if and when they find themselves under attack.
- Print length256 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherMcGraw-Hill
- Publication dateMarch 22, 2002
- Dimensions6 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
- ISBN-100071381678
- ISBN-13978-0071381673
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From the Back Cover
"If I'd had a copy of this book when I started therapy, I might have saved myself a lot of time and money. Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these predatory personalities."Diane White, The Boston Globe
Emotional Vampires: They're out there . . . masquerading as ordinary people. They may lurk in your office, your family, your circle of friends; perhaps they even share your bed. Chances are, you know all too many of them. Bright, talented, and charismatic, they win your trust, your confidence, and your affectionthen drain you of your emotional energy. But take heart as you walk through the darkness, it doesn't have to be that waythe more you know about vampires, the less power they have over you.
Here Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, vampire-slayer and author of the best-selling Dinosaur Brains and Neanderthals at Work, reveals the secrets that will protect you once and for all. Detailing a whole range of personality types and human responses, Bernstein shows you how to spot the "vampires" in your life: self-serving Narcissists, hedonistic Antisocials, exhausting Paranoids, or over-the-top Histrionic drama queens. And, with valuable advice, psychological perspective, and much-needed humor, he gives you a range of defense strategies that are guaranteed to keep the blood-sucking creatures of darkness from draining you dry.
By the end of Emotional Vampires, you'll be armed with superior knowledge, a treasure chest of vampire-slaying tools, and all the confidence you need to take on the most draining people in your life and win without shedding the first drop of blood.
About the Author
Albert J. Bernstein, Ph. D., is the author of Dinosaur Brains, Neanderthals at Work, and Sacred Bull. A clinical psychologist, speaker, columnist, and business consultant, Dr. Bernstein is well known for teaching people to confront difficult and frightening situations with wit, wisdom, grace, and liberal doses of humor.
Product details
- Publisher : McGraw-Hill; 1st edition (March 22, 2002)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 256 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0071381678
- ISBN-13 : 978-0071381673
- Item Weight : 12 ounces
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,308,595 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #3,915 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #4,494 in Stress Management Self-Help
- #29,158 in Psychology & Counseling
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author

Dr. Al Bernstein is a Clinical Psychologist, Business Consultant and author. Over the past 30 years, he has worked with individual clients of all kinds and consulted with businesses large and small. His writing reflects the variety of his experiences as well as his humor and solid common sense. His books offer step-by-step instructions for dealing with difficult people and situations. Two of them, Dinosaur Brains, on the role of instincts in business, and Emotional Vampires on personality disorders are considered classics in their respective fields.
Born, raised and educated in Virginia, Dr. Al now lives in Oregon with his wife, children, granddaughter, two dogs and three cats.
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I often wondered why certain people, including many of my friends I am unhappy to say, irritated me at times. Now I understand how these “emotional vampires” seem to suck the life out of you. As an example, one of my best friends was surprised and stunned when I suggested he get checked out for hyper-activity because he just could not stop talking about himself, his accomplishments, his work, and the projects he is working on at this time. He just did not recognize the fact that his constant talking got on people’s nerves. People would often avoid sitting in the same area he was in because of his enormous ego etc.
This book is organized into five parts and I strongly suggest you read the entire book beginning from the first page in order to better understand the emotional vampires we all have come across in our lives. The first 4 chapters provide an introduction to these vampires and how to recognize them. The first part of this book explains the anti-social types of lovable rogues. The second part focuses on the histrionic types: show business vampire style. The third part covers one of the most aggravating vampires which are the narcissistic types with huge egos who just can’t stop talking about themselves. The fourth part is about the obsessive-compulsive types, which are especially dangerous because they are sometimes combined with the narcissistic traits, which means double trouble. The final part is the paranoid vampires who sees thing others can’t see.
This is a book that should be read by everyone who desires to better understand the people who share our lives, and also those who may have these emotional vampires’ personality traits and wonder why people seem to avoid them. This book is a wonderful and highly informative evaluation of people many of us deal with every day.
Rating: 5 Stars. Joseph J. Truncale (Author: Never trust a politician: Critical reviews of politics and politicians)
1. "Overuse of the Vampire analogies and other metaphors and imagery." Whoever found them distracting was just not understanding them. Bernstein uses each one to make a very specific point, and with their aid he makes that point compeletely clear and accessible. He does use the vampire analogy, but at almost every turn there's a new take on it. His writing is very colorful and just as intentional.
Also, Bernstein is uproariously funny (but never funny just for the sake of being funny). And a lot of that is in his use of metaphors, etc. Before I got 1/2 way through, I checked the 'about the author' to see if he'd done stand-up comedy on the side. Apparently he does a lot of public speaking. A good comedian points out things you haven't really thought about and then makes them entertaining. And when you laugh at something it usually means that you can relate to it and that you completely understand the message. The clarity and liveliness needed to be an effective public speaker, along with the didactic humor, keep things humming from cover to cover. If you're not at least giving a chuckle every few pages or so, either you're not getting it, or there's a much more serious concern...
2. "Not enough concrete advice." Whoever could think this, they are truly not seeing the forest for the trees! This book is loaded with practical advice and revolves around delivering that advice in the most effective way.
I identified my vampire, and I'm going to take a totally different approach to them based on the practical information I found here. In fact Bernstein says outright that while finding the root cause of a disorder can be interesting, it can often be a distraction from how to deal with the practical issues you have face. And, true to his word, everything he says either frames his practical advice, tees it up or delivers it--usually with illustrations on how one might apply it.
3. "There are better books out there on the subject." It's hard to imagine. Maybe there are. But it's all moot anyway when the critic doesn't actually provide any alternative titles or make any effort to back the statement up.
While you're reading and enjoying, you're picking up some rather subtle points all along the way, maybe without even quite realizing how difficult it would really be to take up these otherwise abstract and difficult points and then render them as accessible as Bernstein does. This book is full of valuable tools, and concepts that are crucial to understanding and dealing with this type of person. I know, based on personal experience--frighteningly personal experience.
My vampire is a paranoid obsessive-compulsive. Bernstein illustrates a typical conversation that an OC vampire might have, and I've had that EXACT SAME conversation, in almost identical circumstances and which included a lot of the same exact words and phrases!
Bernstein accomplishes everything, and more, that one would want to see in a practical introduction to the more common personality disorders--only EXTREMELY WELL! After reading this book you'll feel a lot less alone in your situation and a lot more equipped to deal with your vampires.
Nicely put together. Great advice. Great addition to your library.
Top reviews from other countries
Firstly - my ex-brother in law could have had half this book just written especially for him, a genuine case study if ever there was one.
Secondly - I used to work in an office which had a colleague blessed with the most incredible arrogance. What confused me was the histrionics that came with it.
I left and am now working in an office with 2 doubtful characters, another one with mind blowing arrogance, and another one who enjoys his office politics.
Thirdly - I had some suspicions about a potential partner prior to getting engaged. There was always a story about why something had happened to explain the large chunks left out of her life. This with comments of "that's something for another day" made me wonder as to what on earth the girl had been up to.... Within days of the engagement, there was a definite shift in her behaviour patterns, and I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. I thought "if this is what its like after a few weeks, what's it going to be like after a few years?" So that was the end of that.
I was so annoyed at myself that I didn't trust my own warning signs so early in the relationship; I decided to get reading to see what it was that I had done wrong. This spelt it out clearly in many chapters.
As a man - the chapter on histrionics should be read by every man on the planet, a definite eye opener. Unfortunately the rest of the book describes far more men I have come into contact with than women!
Who should read the book? Well anyone who feels that someone you love/know/work with is operating on a different (read immoral) agenda than yourself.
What positives did I get out of it?
A reassurance that my gut instinct about the people mentioned above was probably correct.
Knowledge that an attempt to correct their behaviour is futile. This is the way they are, they lie to themselves first, convince themselves of that lie, so lying to you is easy.
What negatives did I get out of it?
The self test chapters are a bit uncomfortable at times, especially when your score is a touch higher than it should be. We all have our dark side though, if you can acknowledge that, then reading the book shouldn't create too many worries.
The worst part of reading the book was the realisation that one chapter could have been written about my mother.
What do you do? -
Just what Baz says - Run like hell in the opposite direction? And keep on running.
Keep everything what you learn about others from reading this book to yourself- labelling people with a personality disorder is very serious indeed.
Bernstein's book is a field guide for this Babel. It helps you understand that some people are not just "difficult", "needy", "mean", "dramatic" or "immature". These persons, with whom you may feel that communication is almost impossible and that there is always a hidden agenda in their interaction with you, have severe psychological problems which even though they are not enough to characterize them as insane, they are enough to make your life miserable if you come closer to them as a collaborator, neighbor, spouse, friend or even worse lover. The "Emotional Vampire" catalogs all the peculiar behaviors of "difficult" personalities with the very simple manner avoiding the technical language of phycology. All the personality disorders listed in this book can also be found written in texts of phycology but not in a very inteligible way. The listing of these disorders helps in a multitude of ways:
1. First of all the writer helps you understand that all these are patterns because human behavior is itself governed by laws.
2. Each pattern is presented with its behavioral characteristics to help the reader recognize the specific disorder.
3. Having recognized the specific disorder, the books tell you what else to expect and even better how to avoid these people of damaging your soul, your carrier or your family.
All these are presented with a very friendly language almost picturesque which is easily understandable from anyone who has come in contact with one of these "difficult" personalities. The key to understand the whole book and use it effectively for your emotional protection is the paragraph "Immaturity Versus Evil" in chapter 2 "Maturity and Mental Health". In accordance to this paragraph:
...Emotional Vampires are not intrinsically evil, but their immaturity allows them to operate without thinking about whether their actions are good or bad. Vampires see other people as potential sources for whatever they happen to need at the moment, not as separate human beings with needs and feelings of their own. Rather than evil itself, vampires' perceptual distortion is a doorway through which evil may easily enter...
This is a very valuable word of caution because the most dangerous and invisible "difficulty" is the emotional shallowness. Every effort of yours to communicate with such cursed persons is utterly pointless. You may try to speak them through logic but this is a mistake because human beings eventually contact through emotions and these kinds of vampires have no ability to feel the same things as you do. If it is a collaborator in your job try to minimize your interaction with him but if it's a spouse, a family member or even worse a lover then things are much worse. You should consider this person as dead and dump him or her not because they are bad but because communication with them is futile and the only thing one might succeed with his effort, is to get psychological wounded. Bernstein helps you understand that we are given gifts and curses from nature that we haven't chosen ourselves. The book speaks about protection and not about ethics or criticizing others because we should not forget that we also are one of these "others".
I recommend this book for its content, structure and easiness of reading.
I enjoyed this book even though it's quite a while since I managed to escape, dragging my poor depleted body through the Transylvanian woods to freedom and slowly regaining my sanity. Bernstein is the emotional equivalent of Van Helsing and this book is the string of garlic you need to hang around your neck. He writes well with much wisdom and a few laughs thrown in and there were many 'Aha!' moments for me.
Good as it is, I feel that this book will be most useful for victims outside of intimate relationships. God forbid that your significant other is an emotional vampire. The effects are devastating, extremely damaging and the abuse of friendship and love (much worse than physical abuse in my opinion) takes years to get over. The important thing to grasp is that these creatures are NOT human in the sense that most 'normal' people would understand. By definition, a vampire is not a human being. These people are parasites inhabiting the weird and batty world of the undead. I am not joking. This is a difficult concept to explain if you haven't been in a relationship with one.
If you even suspect that your significant other is a vampire - there's only ONE thing you can do if you want to avoid more blood loss and keep your sanity. Run like hell in the opposite direction. And keep on running.
It's true that the title of the book is perhaps a little off the mark - unless true 'draining' is actually taking place, in which case the matter is serious and needs dealing with urgently. The book will get one started. And for those who want to 'help' these difficult people, they need to remember that the first fundamental in doing so is to not become complicit, to not become 'co-dependent' or whatever the term is. Free yourself, and you've already done the best thing you can for the other.
And as Bernstein says, we're all liable to have some of these personality traits within ourselves to some degree, so it's good to become aware of them.
If you think you may benefit from a book like this, for whatever reason, it's worth getting active about it - so go ahead and buy.



