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The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (Fawcett Book) Paperback – February 1, 1992
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• Does your husband or lover constantly criticize you and put his needs before yours?
• Do you sometimes wonder if your best friend is truly a friend?
• Does your boss try to control your every move?
• Does your fear of being left alone keep you in chronically hurtful relationships?
If any of these questions sound familiar, you could very well be suffering from emotional abuse—the most widespread but also the most hidden abuse that women experience. This type of abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse.
But there is help in this invaluable compassionate sourcebook. As a marriage, family, and child therapist who has grappled with these issues herself, Beverly Engel guides you through a step-by-step recover process, helping you shed the habits begun in childhood and take the first few steps toward healthy change.
Using numerous examples drawn from case history and her own therapeutic expertise, Engel will show you how to
• Recognize and understand the abusers in your life
• Identify the patterns that have kept you emotionally trapped
• Complete your unfinished business
• Decide whether to walk away from an abusive relationship or take a stand and stay
• Heal the damage of abuse by building self-esteem
• Break the cycle of abuse and open yourself to the promise of healthy relationships
- Print length244 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBallantine Books
- Publication dateFebruary 1, 1992
- Dimensions5.19 x 0.45 x 7.93 inches
- ISBN-109780449906446
- ISBN-13978-0449906446
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About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
The Emotionally Abused Woman
The emotionally abused woman is a particular type of woman, a woman who has established a pattern of continually being emotionally abused by those she is involved with, whether it be her lover or husband, her boss, her friends, her parents, her children, or her siblings. No matter how successful, how intelligent, or how attractive she is, she still feels “less than” other people. Despite perhaps having taken assertion-training classes, she still feels afraid to stand up for herself in her relationships and is still victimized by her low self-esteem, her fear of authority figures, or her need to be taken care of by others. She was emotionally abused as a child, but she may or may not recognize how extensively this kind of childhood abuse continues to affect her life.
Sometimes I just hate myself. I don’t know why, but I let everybody walk all over me—my boss, my husband, my kids, even my friends. I agree to do things I don’t want to do, I go places I don’t want to go, and all the while I resent it. I just can’t bring myself to say no to people, no matter how hard I try.
I can’t believe I did it again! Each time I fall in love I think that he is the one, that I have finally found someone who will treat me with kindness and concern. But they all end up to be jerks who he to me, use me, and end up not even caring about me. What’s wrong with me that I keep doing this? Why can’t I spot the loser, the jerk, instead of always being taken in? I’m thirty-seven years old, and yet when it comes to men I have the judgment of a teenager!
These words were spoken by women who have grown and changed in many significant ways. Nevertheless, they continue to choose partners and friends who cause them pain and embarrassment. They just cannot seem to stand up for themselves in relationships, no matter how hard they try. Because they have worked on themselves so much—through therapy, Twelve-Step programs, and/or self-help books—these women often feel hopeless and increasingly critical of themselves. They recognize that despite their efforts to change, there is still something very wrong with their ability to choose people who will treat them with respect and consideration.
It is often difficult for a woman to admit that she is indeed being emotionally abused, particularly if she is competent and successful in all other respects. But emotional abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. While it is hard to determine the exact number of women in the United States who are emotionally abused, we do know that the number is astronomical. While emotional abuse is probably the most common type of abuse, until now it has received the least attention. Many women who are being emotionally abused do not even realize what is happening to them. Many suffer from the effects of emotional abuse—depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, worthlessness, and hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructiveness—but do not understand what is causing these symptoms. Many women who seek help for their symptoms do so without any awareness of why they are suffering. This was the case with Maggie.
At our first session, she said to me, “I don’t know why I’m here exactly, except that I’ve been feeling very depressed lately. I can’t seem to get myself going. When I wake up in the morning, I just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I have to drag myself out of bed and in to work. At night when I come home I want to curl up in bed right away, but I have to make dinner and clean the house and get ready for work the next day. By the time I get to bed I’m too tired to have sex with my husband. He’s been complaining a lot lately because he thinks I don’t love him.”
“Do you love him? Do you have a happy marriage?” I inquired, wondering whether there might be marital problems.
“I do love him, but I just feel so much pressure in my life that I can’t take any more from him.”
“How does he pressure you?”
“Well, it seems that I can’t do anything right. I know I’m not a very good wife, but I’m under such pressure at work, and I feel so tired. I guess I just can’t be there for him in the ways that he needs me to be.”
Maggie wasn’t being very specific about what her problems were, but as the weeks passed I discovered that her vague description of her husband’s never being pleased with her was an extreme understatement. Her husband was tearing down her self-esteem daily by constantly complaining that she was a lousy cook and a terrible housekeeper, that she never wanted to listen to him talk about his day, that she never wanted to have sex, that she didn’t love him.
As Maggie opened up and shared more about her situation with me, it became more and more evident that she was trapped in a vicious cycle. The more her husband complained about her, the more depressed she became, the less energy she had, and the less desire she had to have sex with her husband. This made him complain all the more. Even though Maggie was not being physically abused by her husband, the emotional abuse she sustained from him was damaging her just as much as if she were being beaten.
“Maggie was also being emotionally abused by her boss. An extremely demanding man, he complained constantly that Maggie was not doing her job. He verbally berated her in front of other employees, stood over her to scrutinize her work, and docked her pay when she was even a few minutes late coming back from lunch (even though he often insisted that she work late, with no overtime pay).
No wonder Maggie was depressed! It was amazing that she was even able to continue functioning at all with the pressure she was under. By the time she finally came in to see me, her self-esteem was incredibly low, and she truly believed that she was a lazy, no-good person who didn’t deserve either her job or her husband.
The saddest part about Maggie’s case was that she didn’t think she was being abused at all, even after I told her I believed she was. “But my husband and my boss can’t both be wrong,” she protested. “It must be me—why else would they both be saying the same things? I am lazy, and I don’t do the best I could at home or at work. I get confused easily, I can’t make decisions, and half the time I seem to be in a daze. It’s a miracle that I even do as well as I do.”
Those who are being emotionally abused often grow to believe their abusers’ accusations. The abused women do, indeed, become less and less productive, less motivated, less affectionate, and less sexual. And as their self-esteem plummets and their depression deepens, they also feel less loving.
Like Maggie and many other women, you may not know that you are being emotionally abused. While you may realize that your husband, boyfriend, or boss seems to be demanding and hard to please, you may not consider his behavior abusive. So what exactly is emotionally abusive behavior?
Product details
- ASIN : 0449906442
- Publisher : Ballantine Books; First Edition (February 1, 1992)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 244 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9780449906446
- ISBN-13 : 978-0449906446
- Item Weight : 6.4 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.19 x 0.45 x 7.93 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #104,491 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #152 in Codependency (Books)
- #163 in Abuse Self-Help
- #793 in Self-Esteem (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of 23 self-help books, including 4 best selling books on emotional abuse: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her latest book on emotional abuse is entitled Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve (Dec 2020, Kensington). Currently her most popular book is entitled, It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion which came out in Jan. of 2015. Engel is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and has been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years.
Beverly’s books have often been honored for various awards, including being a finalist in the Books for a Better Life award. Many of her books have been chosen for various book clubs, including One Spirit Book Club, Psychology Today Book Club and Behavioral Sciences Book Club. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish and Lithuanian.
In addition to her professional work, Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television talk shows. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over, and many other TV programs. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website as well as regularly contributing to the Psychology Today magazine, and has been featured in a number of newspapers and magazines, including: Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Marie Claire, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Cleveland Plain Dealer, and The Denver Post.
She regularly conducts training workshops throughout the United States and the United Kingdom, for both professional and lay audiences. Recently she has been conducting trainings on emotional abuse for the United States Army, in both Texas and Georgia as part of their domestic violence training for staff.
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Customers find the book very helpful and empowering. They appreciate the characteristics and stories that help them identify abusive relationships. Readers also mention the text is relatable, easy to read, and understand.
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Customers find the book very helpful, empowering, and therapeutic. They say it breaks everything down for understanding. Readers also mention it's the best resource they have encountered on the subject.
"...Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier...." Read more
"...They are enormously empowering and probably accomplish the self-esteem needed to recover and claim your own space without asking you to examine your..." Read more
"Excellent analysis and very practicalI highly recommend for first time at a very difficult topicReally in depth analysis but easy to read" Read more
"...She could not recognize it. This book helped get heal and feel good about getting away from this toxic relationship. It was such a good purchase." Read more
Customers find the book relatable, easy to read, and understand. They appreciate the simple and straightforward presentation. Readers also mention the author's concepts are organized and realistic.
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By ALLOWING this person to verbually abuse me and control me, it caused illness in my body and very often! I was tired of being ill most of the time. You see, I used my "illness" to gain control by:
1) Getting him to feel sorry for me so I could have my way for a change--I would not be forced to do what he wanted when I was "ill". (This "illness" method has stopped working in the last year).
2) I told my "illness" BYE BYE because it was controlling me! Now, I choose the healthy and honest way to control my life: "Stand up for myself with no need to explain myself."
3) I used the "illness" as an excuse to go to bed and "hide" from this person. Also, it was an excuse to not have to go to work so this person would continue to "take care of me." Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier. I am getting in shape mentally and physically--I can go to work with no problem. And take care of myself with no problem.
2) After reading this book, I realized that I had ALLOWED this person to control me for 5 years and be verbally abusive to me when we were alone and in public. I have taken back my power now and I am now in control. Today, for the first time, I stood up to him and said "No" about something I did not want to do and told him what I CHOOSE to do instead. And I felt wonderful inside, my self-esteem went up quite a lot! YES!!!
If you are in a relationship or taking any kind of verbal abuse or control, I highly suggest that you purchase this book. I has truly been an eye-opener and life-saver for me as I learned that I had allowed this person to verbally abuse and control me, I gave him this power because I let him do these things. No more, now, I am in control of my life and my thoughts. This book is so very highly recommended and I believe it will help you. Also, may I suggest that you consider Louise Hay CD's" Self-Esteem, Stress-Free, 101-Power Thoughts", these have also been a big help to me and I listen to them often. May my story help others who are hurting right now, may you find the peace and love that you need.
A WORD TO THE WISE: if you're a woman in recovery from an abusive relationship and are looking for validation without having to take responsibility for your part in your abusive patterns, either wait until you're at that phase of your recovery, OR don't bother to read Beverly Engel's books. She will ask you to examine the part you play, as well as to look at how you may also be emotionally manipulative or abusive yourself. If you don't believe that you played a part in your abuse at all, OR if you don't feel able to examine your own role in your abusive relationships yet, I'd recommend reading Patricia Evans's books about verbal abuse. They are enormously empowering and probably accomplish the self-esteem needed to recover and claim your own space without asking you to examine your own behaviour too much.
Beverly Engel believes that you may be able to reclaim your relationship, asks you to examine your own role in the abusive patterns, and looks at behaviour very closely without the need to assign blame. Patricia Evans is also a genius at examining behaviour, but will happily blame the male in your life for the abuse without asking you to look at yourself too much -- and will make it virtually impossible to consider staying in an abusive environment. Beverly Engel will make it possible but will also bring awareness to the amount of personal work you will have to commit to in order to make it work.
This is one of three of Beverly Engel's books that I have read in my road to recovery. Her work is compassionate, honest, intelligent, fair, and enabling. Of all of the viewpoints I have read about abuse, I find hers to be the most balanced of all. Most other writers who address the subject of abuse are either unaware or unconcerned about the amount of blame present in their approach and writing. Blame, while it has its place in the process to be sure, is neither constructive nor conducive to genuine healing in the long run. It's useful to remember that a person and their behaviour -- while obviously linked -- can be separated so that your behaviour (as well as that of others) can be changed to reflect the glorious person that you actually are. Engel manages to construct an approach that assigns responsibility for action and behaviour rather than to assign blame or polarize things as right or wrong, which lends itself to a very honest, trustworthy approach -- in my humble opinion, of course.
I also find it interesting that "Engel" is German for "Angel".
I highly recommend for first time at a very difficult topic
Really in depth analysis but easy to read
Top reviews from other countries
un parcours si familier aux si nombreuse entre nous.
à recommander chaudement.
身体的虐待によるからだの傷がいえるよりも、精神的な虐待(無視、言葉による暴力、疎外、など)のほうが傷がいえるのに時間がかかるのは周知のことです。
ただ、どちらが被害者だ、加害者だ、という前に、いわゆる精神的なAbuseをうけてしまう人々の中に「そのような状況に甘んじて身をおいてしまう」行動パターンがあることをこの著者は明言し、それについての対処法を事細かに示してくれています。
著者の手助けによる自己分析を通して、人のせいにするだけではなく、自分に責任をもって積極的自発的に、心の傷を自らがいやしつつ、それとともに生きていこうとする人にはとてもすばらしい本だと思います。
著者はこうも書いています。
「人のせいにするだけではなく、その状況に甘んじてしまった自分にも多少の責任はある」と。
「自分の責任かもしれない、と思ったとき、状況からの脱出の一歩が始まる。」
