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The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (Fawcett Book) Paperback – February 1, 1992

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 583 ratings

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“A sensible book, full of insight and hope,”* that offers support and guidance in freeing emotionally abused women from the cycle of abuse and establishing new healthy patterns of relating to others.

*Booklist

• Does your husband or lover constantly criticize you and put his needs before yours?
• Do you sometimes wonder if your best friend is truly a friend?
• Does your boss try to control your every move?
• Does your fear of being left alone keep you in chronically hurtful relationships?
 
If any of these questions sound familiar, you could very well be suffering from emotional abuse—the most widespread but also the most hidden abuse that women experience. This type of abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse.
 
But there is help in this invaluable compassionate sourcebook. As a marriage, family, and child therapist who has grappled with these issues herself, Beverly Engel guides you through a step-by-step recover process, helping you shed the habits begun in childhood and take the first few steps toward healthy change.
 
Using numerous examples drawn from case history and her own therapeutic expertise, Engel will show you how to
 
• Recognize and understand the abusers in your life
• Identify the patterns that have kept you emotionally trapped
• Complete your unfinished business
• Decide whether to walk away from an abusive relationship or take a stand and stay
• Heal the damage of abuse by building self-esteem
• Break the cycle of abuse and open yourself to the promise of healthy relationships

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Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past.

From the Back Cover

If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0449906442
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ballantine Books; First Edition (February 1, 1992)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 244 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780449906446
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0449906446
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 6.4 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.19 x 0.45 x 7.93 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 583 ratings

About the author

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Beverly Engel
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Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of 23 self-help books, including 4 best selling books on emotional abuse: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, The Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her latest book on emotional abuse is entitled Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don't Deserve (Dec 2020, Kensington). Currently her most popular book is entitled, It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion which came out in Jan. of 2015. Engel is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and has been practicing psychotherapy for 35 years.

Beverly’s books have often been honored for various awards, including being a finalist in the Books for a Better Life award. Many of her books have been chosen for various book clubs, including One Spirit Book Club, Psychology Today Book Club and Behavioral Sciences Book Club. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish and Lithuanian.

In addition to her professional work, Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television talk shows. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over, and many other TV programs. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website as well as regularly contributing to the Psychology Today magazine, and has been featured in a number of newspapers and magazines, including: Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Marie Claire, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, The Cleveland Plain Dealer, and The Denver Post.

She regularly conducts training workshops throughout the United States and the United Kingdom, for both professional and lay audiences. Recently she has been conducting trainings on emotional abuse for the United States Army, in both Texas and Georgia as part of their domestic violence training for staff.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
583 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the book very helpful and empowering. They appreciate the characteristics and stories that help them identify abusive relationships. Readers also mention the text is relatable, easy to read, and understand.

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65 customers mention "Insight"65 positive0 negative

Customers find the book very helpful, empowering, and therapeutic. They say it breaks everything down for understanding. Readers also mention it's the best resource they have encountered on the subject.

"...Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier...." Read more

"...They are enormously empowering and probably accomplish the self-esteem needed to recover and claim your own space without asking you to examine your..." Read more

"Excellent analysis and very practicalI highly recommend for first time at a very difficult topicReally in depth analysis but easy to read" Read more

"...She could not recognize it. This book helped get heal and feel good about getting away from this toxic relationship. It was such a good purchase." Read more

13 customers mention "Language"13 positive0 negative

Customers find the book relatable, easy to read, and understand. They appreciate the simple and straightforward presentation. Readers also mention the author's concepts are organized and realistic.

"...Really in depth analysis but easy to read" Read more

"...The author's straight-forward approach with plain English is easy to read and understand...." Read more

"...Can't say enough for its wisdom and practicality...written with love!" Read more

"...Written in plain language, easy to read and relate to the text. Lots of good examples. This is a great tool...." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on July 15, 2007
Because of a very verbal abusing/controlling relationship, I bought this book. It has opened my eyes in more ways than one. I highly recommend this book. Another reason that I bought this book is that since being in this controlling relationship for 5 years, I have had migraines and muscle aches 5 times per week or more that kept me bedridden! My self-esteem went from a healthy 10 to a minus 2 these past 5 years. Moreover, because I was "ill" so much, I did not exercise and gained 35 pounds. Eating had become my comfort, even sickness became my comfort. This book has helped to discoverer:
By ALLOWING this person to verbually abuse me and control me, it caused illness in my body and very often! I was tired of being ill most of the time. You see, I used my "illness" to gain control by:
1) Getting him to feel sorry for me so I could have my way for a change--I would not be forced to do what he wanted when I was "ill". (This "illness" method has stopped working in the last year).
2) I told my "illness" BYE BYE because it was controlling me! Now, I choose the healthy and honest way to control my life: "Stand up for myself with no need to explain myself."
3) I used the "illness" as an excuse to go to bed and "hide" from this person. Also, it was an excuse to not have to go to work so this person would continue to "take care of me." Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier. I am getting in shape mentally and physically--I can go to work with no problem. And take care of myself with no problem.
2) After reading this book, I realized that I had ALLOWED this person to control me for 5 years and be verbally abusive to me when we were alone and in public. I have taken back my power now and I am now in control. Today, for the first time, I stood up to him and said "No" about something I did not want to do and told him what I CHOOSE to do instead. And I felt wonderful inside, my self-esteem went up quite a lot! YES!!!
If you are in a relationship or taking any kind of verbal abuse or control, I highly suggest that you purchase this book. I has truly been an eye-opener and life-saver for me as I learned that I had allowed this person to verbally abuse and control me, I gave him this power because I let him do these things. No more, now, I am in control of my life and my thoughts. This book is so very highly recommended and I believe it will help you. Also, may I suggest that you consider Louise Hay CD's" Self-Esteem, Stress-Free, 101-Power Thoughts", these have also been a big help to me and I listen to them often. May my story help others who are hurting right now, may you find the peace and love that you need.
56 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on July 18, 2010
Emotional abuse is extremely common and most of us are unaware of how others have abused us throughout our lives or how that abuse continues to negatively impact us and our relationships. This book is essential if you are recovering from an abusive relationship of any kind and will help you to uncover why you were in the relationship, its impact on you, and the patterns in your life that revolve around your original abuse and continue to permeate other areas of your life and relationships.

A WORD TO THE WISE: if you're a woman in recovery from an abusive relationship and are looking for validation without having to take responsibility for your part in your abusive patterns, either wait until you're at that phase of your recovery, OR don't bother to read Beverly Engel's books. She will ask you to examine the part you play, as well as to look at how you may also be emotionally manipulative or abusive yourself. If you don't believe that you played a part in your abuse at all, OR if you don't feel able to examine your own role in your abusive relationships yet, I'd recommend reading Patricia Evans's books about verbal abuse. They are enormously empowering and probably accomplish the self-esteem needed to recover and claim your own space without asking you to examine your own behaviour too much.

Beverly Engel believes that you may be able to reclaim your relationship, asks you to examine your own role in the abusive patterns, and looks at behaviour very closely without the need to assign blame. Patricia Evans is also a genius at examining behaviour, but will happily blame the male in your life for the abuse without asking you to look at yourself too much -- and will make it virtually impossible to consider staying in an abusive environment. Beverly Engel will make it possible but will also bring awareness to the amount of personal work you will have to commit to in order to make it work.

This is one of three of Beverly Engel's books that I have read in my road to recovery. Her work is compassionate, honest, intelligent, fair, and enabling. Of all of the viewpoints I have read about abuse, I find hers to be the most balanced of all. Most other writers who address the subject of abuse are either unaware or unconcerned about the amount of blame present in their approach and writing. Blame, while it has its place in the process to be sure, is neither constructive nor conducive to genuine healing in the long run. It's useful to remember that a person and their behaviour -- while obviously linked -- can be separated so that your behaviour (as well as that of others) can be changed to reflect the glorious person that you actually are. Engel manages to construct an approach that assigns responsibility for action and behaviour rather than to assign blame or polarize things as right or wrong, which lends itself to a very honest, trustworthy approach -- in my humble opinion, of course.

I also find it interesting that "Engel" is German for "Angel".
39 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 28, 2024
Excellent analysis and very practical
I highly recommend for first time at a very difficult topic
Really in depth analysis but easy to read
Reviewed in the United States on December 12, 2023
My daughter was caught in a mentally & emotionally abusive relationship. She could not recognize it. This book helped get heal and feel good about getting away from this toxic relationship. It was such a good purchase.
Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2015
This book had lots of useful information, and was full of insight into the abusive relationship. I was disappointed in how focused she was on past abuse, while I understand many women are victims throughout their lives and this book could be very illuminating for them I felt like I was left to flounder because for me my emotional abuse is a new. It felt like the only way you could be abused now is if you had been as a child which left me feeling like my experience was less than. If you have past abuse in your life this is the book for you it had great information if you like me found yourself in an abusive relationship as an adult then this book will leave you feeling a bit lost.
9 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Emily Nydr
5.0 out of 5 stars Break the Cycle
Reviewed in Canada on January 19, 2018
Good book, good advice. Gives guidance for broken relationships and guidance for ways to fix the broken relationships. Break the cycle of abuse
Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars So happy with this book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 1, 2017
So happy with this book. Usually I really struggle to finish or even read half a book and have a large selection of unread books..this was a great one to start. Easy to read, practical and compassionate advice and very relatable theories. Thankyou for this book, don't let the title put you off I will cherish and re-read this, I have felt a shift since reading. Sometimes quite painful because it addresses the grit of why I am as I am and things have been as they have. But positive- as I know growth is painful. And the way in which it was written made me feel less alone and make sense of things. Thankyou Beverly engel
anne
4.0 out of 5 stars rassurant
Reviewed in France on June 25, 2014
qui s'y intéresse trouve son compte, et largement.
un parcours si familier aux si nombreuse entre nous.
à recommander chaudement.
XP-Nutzer
5.0 out of 5 stars The emotionally abused woman
Reviewed in Germany on September 23, 2012
Ein Superbuch. Durch die Lektüre habe ich sehr viel über mich und andere Menschen gelernt, Gefühls- und Handlungsstrukturen erkannt. Ich kann das Buch jedem empfehlen, der schon einmal mit sellischem Mißbrauch zu tun gehabt hat.
nana
5.0 out of 5 stars 精神的なAbuseを受けている人へ
Reviewed in Japan on December 30, 2005
精神的につらい目にあい、その状況から抜け出そうとする人にはとても参考になる一冊です!!

身体的虐待によるからだの傷がいえるよりも、精神的な虐待(無視、言葉による暴力、疎外、など)のほうが傷がいえるのに時間がかかるのは周知のことです。

ただ、どちらが被害者だ、加害者だ、という前に、いわゆる精神的なAbuseをうけてしまう人々の中に「そのような状況に甘んじて身をおいてしまう」行動パターンがあることをこの著者は明言し、それについての対処法を事細かに示してくれています。

著者の手助けによる自己分析を通して、人のせいにするだけではなく、自分に責任をもって積極的自発的に、心の傷を自らがいやしつつ、それとともに生きていこうとする人にはとてもすばらしい本だと思います。

著者はこうも書いています。

「人のせいにするだけではなく、その状況に甘んじてしまった自分にも多少の責任はある」と。

「自分の責任かもしれない、と思ったとき、状況からの脱出の一歩が始まる。」