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The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells Paperback – September 15, 2008
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--Rachel Reiland, author of Get Me Out of Here (Rachel Reiland)
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Top Customer Reviews
"The Essential Family Guide" hits the nail directly on the head and drives it home. Where SWOE left off, the Family Guide picks up. It is critical reading for everyone - including counselors, psychologists, and legal professionals - living with or dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (a "BPD").
After reading through the first few chapters, I realized that "The Essential Family Guide" is the next step in my own recovery in dealing with my BPD ex-spouse and in caring for my children exposed to this disorder. If you are coping with a BPD - personally or professionally - you must read the Essential Family Guide.
I think of and hear from others out there dealing with the craziness of a BPD in their lives and searching for understanding. If I can convince one person to read The Family Guide and get the benefit that I have received from Randi's books, then I will have done a good thing.
There are so many powerful and easy-to-use tools provided in this book that it's tough to figure out which ones to mention in this review. They all give concrete answers to the seemingly unanswerable question that always arises whenever you're faced by a troubled personality--what do you do about it?
For example, I've always heard that you need to "set firm limits" with people who would overstep your boundaries. But personally, I never really quite understood what the word "limits" actually meant, and I certainly didn't know how to set them. Nothing I ever read on the topic helped much, because what little I found was so vague.
But Randi gives example after concrete example of what limit setting actually means in a variety of situations, emphasizing throughout that it's important to understand your own greater sense of what's fair and right for yourself as well as for others. Her chapter on uncovering what keeps you feeling "stuck" provides a terrific explanation of a problem in relationships with people who are troubled. In the chapter on communication, Randi describes precisely how to communicate and actually be heard.Read more ›
It's hard for me to explain the overarching problem I see with the book so I'll focus on one example. "Power tool #5: reinforcing right behavior" makes the point that, when a BP's traditional behavior does not get the reward they seek, they frantically repeat the behavior in an effort to get the reward (which Randi refers to as an *extinction burst*). My impression is that, for Randi, the "reward" is that the non complies with the borderline's desires, or accepts the abuse, or gets attention, and so on.
Rather than a focus on what is the actual emotion that the borderline is trying to communicate (albeit very ineffectively--that is why they call this a disorder, and specifically a disorder of emotion regulation), Randi is focused in this section on the behavior that one might want to stop, using "limits." She provides several examples of borderline behavior that one might want to stop, such as them calling you at work many times a day, or saying hurtful things to you. She describes "setting a limit" for each (for the first, explaining that you can take a maximum of 3 calls per day from the BP aside from emergency calls, for the second explaining to your BP that the conversation is uncomfortable and that "I'm going to my room.Read more ›
Written by Randi Kreger (co-author of Stop Walking On Eggshells; author of Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook)
Being a long time parent and advocate of people wo have BPD, I had planned on just skimming this book, thinking I've read so many books on BPD I don't need to read this one front to back. It didn't happen, I read the book word for word all the way through, including re-reading parts to help it settle in all the way.
The first half of the book gives an exceptional description of BPD, including what it is like from the inside of a person with BPD. The second half is stocked full of different ways to deal with BPD behavior to help, not only to prevent the behavior, but helping those of us who love someone with BPD. Also the approaches are done in a way to actually help our loved ones with BPD learn ways to behave in a more appropriate way. It offers help for the family as a whole!
Randi has put in the book some of the latest information about BPD and unlike other books on BPD, I never felt defensive while reading it.....no blaming the parents or insisting everyone with BPD was abused or traumatized. Very up-to-date stuff in this book and written in a way that us "everyday" people can understand.
While reading it, different members of our online parent group came to mind many times, thinking I need to tell this one this and that one that and I began highlighting the book. Eventually I realized that there were more highlighted areas than non-highlighted areas, which means it really is important to read the whole book and not just a snip here and there.
If you cannot purchase the book please request your library get one, after you read it, just think of others who will benefit from it! There isn't much out there for us families and she has definitely been a leader in getting books out there to help us.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Well written and very insightful. A must if you have a family member suffering from BPD and if you are suffering too.Published 8 days ago by Dog trainer
I feel like the author and the people giving testimonials in this book have been peeking into our lives for the last 10 years. Read morePublished 1 month ago by Carrie
I think it is worth reading of you are struggling with a relationship even if it is not with a borderline person because these are techniques that translate to other situationsPublished 2 months ago by Bill Bigelow
As someone who has lived with a BPD for years without knowing what the disorder was, I found this to be a very enlightening book. Read morePublished 2 months ago by Texas Son