The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures Paperback – March 10, 2009

I write this review as someone who is extremely sympathetic to polyamory, has explored it in the past, and has made the choice that it is not something that would be ultimately as satisfying for me as monogamy.

I am delighted with certain aspects of the book that reframe abundant sexual expression in positive ways, promote honest, authentic, and safe relationships, and encourage people to explore with openness what is true for them. I also enjoy the "workbook" like nature of many of the inquiries, allowing many people to really make these ideas concrete in their own lives.

However, even upon re-reading this 2nd edition, I fundamentally disagree with too many of the underlying premises and the underlying energy of defensiveness throughout the book. Foremost is the underlying premise that monogamy isn't anything special, and that you can essential do everything you can do in monogamy with polyamory. The authors suggest quite explicitly in several places that monogamy is simply a more sexually repressed, unenlightened, and outdated version of a more supposedly spiritually mature polyamory. I find their arguments utterly unconvincing, overly simplistic, defensive, and often overstated.

I maintain that monogamy and polyamory are qualitatively different and should not be compared as if they were better or lesser versions of the same thing. They are both beautiful, both unique, and there is something special about both of them. They present qualitatively different challenges that are not the same. Monogamy inviting challenges that can ONLY come from unconditionally committing to be sexually exclusive with one person. Polyamory invites challenges that can ONLY come from unconditionally being open to letting love and sexual exploration flow as they arise. A truly non-biased book on polyamory would address both of these things as if they were equally beautiful, not as if one was better than the other.

Also, it would have struck me as more balanced to give some credence to the idea that some people do indeed explore polyamory as a means to escape when confronting their edges, out of fear of commitment or 'abandonment', or other choices that don't come from love. I would have liked to have seen a process to help people tell the difference between moving towards polyamory out of fear vs. because it is truly aligned for us. Our authors seem to suggest fairly consistently that any foray into polyamory is a step in the direction of greater love and sexual expression whereas my own exploration and so too those of many of my friends suggest that this is not always (or often) the case.

There are also ideas in the book which strike me as simply incorrect or inconsistent For example: the authors seem to be thoroughly convinced in "the more is better attitude" equating more sexual partners with notions of sexual abundance. They write that they see no benefit in restriction or abstinence. Yet they paradoxically also seem to promote healthy boundaries. I see this as inconsistent. Every ancient spiritual tradition that I know of (from tantra to taoism) that is sex positive has highly developed practices of sexual abstinence that increase the intensity, pleasure, and intimacy among sexual partners when they do occur. To not see any role for abstinence and restriction in sexual empowerment strikes me as adolescent and a really dangerous proposal for those who truly value self-connection and self-realization.

Restriction and abstinence are not forms of repression if they arise from a clear discernment about we we want. Furthermore what is common to both monogamy and polyamory is the willingness to redirect all of our energy, all of our sexuality towards where it will flower most in the world. A monogamist does this with one person. A polyamorist with many. I don't see any need to bash monogamy to promote polyamory. Let polyamory stand on its own.

Because of these and many other reasons, I find this book to be a stepping stone to better books about the subject that aren't so defensive, overstated, and are much more balanced in their approach.

Perhaps the pioneers of a lifestyle need to be a bit more overzealous and defensive about getting something 'new' out into the world. This doesn't mean we need to carry their biases into our own explorations. So if you want to explore polyamory, this book has quite a bit to offer, but don't ever lose touch with your heart, what you really want, and what is true for you.

I would like to see a book on polyamory that doesn't treat it like a new paradigm replacing an old paradigm. Monogamy is probably here to stay, and for good reason. What I hope for is a book that speaks of coexistence and true inclusivity for all love and sexual styles.

The Ethical Slut is incredible!

I first read The Ethical Slut (first edition) as part of a college course. As an undergrad, I was already well on my way to being a proud slut - I did the usual versions of short-term college dating, hookups, friends-with-benefits, threesomes, and the like, with or without a committed partner at various times. It all felt natural and right, but there were invariably awkward moments of poor negotiation, misunderstood communication, and mis-handled jealousy.
When I read The Ethical Slut, I found an amazing wealth of information and suggestions on how I could make my various relationships work better and more smoothly. I wished I'd had this book all along - it would have saved so much trouble! If only I'd known that an agreement to "see other people" wasn't nearly complete enough! The Ethical Slut lays out all the things to think about in having open relationships of various sorts. I've been called a slut since I was 14, but it was this book that gave me the idea that being a slut could be a good thing - and now I couldn't be happier with my fabulous life as a proud slut.

The Ethical Slut is an entertaining, readable, real-life explanation of all the options in relationships. Whether you want to be single or partnered or grouped, poly or monogamous, or whatever else, this book helps you figure out all the possibilities better. It's THE relationship book for anyone who wants more options than a "leave-it-to-beaver" relationship.

If you're just starting to explore open relationships, or you're even just thinking about it, there's no better place to start than with this book. And if you're already immersed in poly life, it's got the "advanced level" information you need. For those who know and love the first edition, the second edition is definitely worth adding to your collection. There's a ton of new information on the really crucial details of how to make all sorts of poly and open relationships work.

The second edition now has exercises exercises, taken from Dossie Easton's work as a therapist with poly folks, that you and/or your partner(s) can work on together. I loved the new section on living as a single slut - which makes the point that sluthood and open loving can be an identity that doesn't require a conventional partnership to secure or ground it. It also offers ideas on how to get one's needs met from a network of friends and lovers - useful information for pretty much anyone. The new segments on handling jealousy and conflict are especially good for those of us who have been involved in poly relationships for some time and need the more detailed info, from the voices of experience, to help through the rough spots. I feel like I'm always learning in poly relationships, and every time I go back to The Ethical Slut, there's some tidbit that helps with the complicated, hard, or unexpected parts of a generally fabulous poly life.

Whether you've read the first edition or not, this is definitely a book you should own. I've read it 3 or 4 times now, and I keep going back to it to check out certain sections that become more relevant as I encounter new poly challenges.

Rather than offering generalities and theories, The Ethical Slut speaks from many people's experience over many decades. It's the real-life information that you need to make all your relationships amazing!!

(and, speaking of making sex and play and relationships amazing, check out some of Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's other books - The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, When Someone You Love Is Kinky, and Radical Ecstasy!)