- Paperback: 274 pages
- Publisher: Vintage; Reprint edition (January 9, 2001)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0375709223
- ISBN-13: 978-0375709227
- Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.6 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 9.9 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars See all reviews (255 customer reviews)
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #14,936 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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A General Theory of Love Paperback – January 9, 2001
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Poor, poor science--it gets blamed for everything. While it might be true that some of our alienation and unhappiness stem from a too-rational misunderstanding of emotion, it's also true that science is its own remedy. A General Theory of Love, by San Francisco psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon, is a powerfully humanistic look at the natural history of our deepest feelings, and why a simple hug is often more important than a portfolio full of stock options. Their grasp of neural science is topnotch, but the book is more about humans as social animals and how we relate to others--for once, the brain plays second fiddle to the heart.
Though some of their social analysis is less than fully thought out--surely e-mail isn't a truly unique form of communication, as they suggest--the work as a whole is strong and merits attention. Science, it turns out, does have much to say about our messy feelings and relationships. While much of it could be filed under "common sense," it's nice to know that common sense is replicable. Hard-science types will probably be exasperated with the constant shifts between data and appeals to emotional truths, but the rest of us will see in A General Theory of Love a new synthesis of research and poetry. --Rob Lightner --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
From Publishers Weekly
The Beatles may have sounded naive when they assured us that "all you need is love," but they may not have been far off the mark. New research in brain function has proven that love is a human necessity; its absence damages not only individuals, but our whole society. In this stimulating work, psychiatrists Lewis, Amini and Lannon explain how and why our brains have evolved to require consistent bonding and nurturing. They contend that close emotional connections actually change neural patterns in those who engage in them, affecting our sense of self and making empathy and socialization possible. Indeed, the authors insist, "in some important ways, people cannot be stable on their own." Yet American society is structured to frustrate emotional health, they contend: self-sufficiency and materialistic goals are seen as great virtues, while emotional dependence is considered a weakness. Because our culture does not sufficiently value interpersonal relationships, we are plagued by anxiety and depression, narcissism and superficiality, which can lead to violence and self-destructive behaviors. It is futile to try to think our way out of such behaviors, the authors believe, because emotions are not within the intellect's domain. What is needed is healthy bonding from infancy; when this does not occur, the therapist must model it. The authors' utopian vision of emotional health may strike some as vague or conservative to a fault, and the clarity of their thesis is marred by indirect and precious writing. Yet their claim that "what we do inside relationships matters more than any other aspect of human life" is a powerful one. Agent, Carol Mann. 9-city author tour.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
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Top customer reviews
Two concepts from the book that hit home with me were that we are always attracted to the person whose key fits our lock. Put us in a room with 500 people and we will find the one whose dysfunction matches our need. The second concept is that our needs are formed by the combination of both our biology...human nature, and our environment, the lessons and examples we learned from our parents. We all have holes, or gaps as Rocky would say, and we need someone else to fill these holes. The sad thing is that sometimes these holes we need filled require a dysfunctional and destructive relationship. Our subconscious tells us this is normal.
If you've been involved in one bad or unsatisfying relationship after another this book will help you understand why. That in itself is comforting. The unfortunate part is that our biology and upbringing tends to doom us into these patterns as they are hardwired into our brains. We sometimes need that dysfunctional person and relationship in our lives to feel whole.
Everyone should read this book. We all want healthy and fulfilling relationships but most of us look for them armed with the wrong information and a misunderstanding of how to achieve one. I highly recommend this book.
The book was needlessly hard to read. The message was often hidden within overly specific words. Though accurate and often poetic. The choice to raise the reading level made the book harder to read, forcing frequent visits to the dictionary, and in my opinion obscured somewhat the message of the book.
Limbic brain is older part of the human brain. Not directly available to conscience, it generates emotions, and understand emotions of others. and does a lot of internal regulation. While we tend to downplay emotions, they are essential. For children, external emotional regulation is outright vital, to the point of affecting stability of breathing. And even in adults, social ties affect outcome of major illnesses. For everyday life, that what decides where we're happy or not.
Unlike explicit memories, emotional structure of human brain is gradually constructed from everyday experiences. Neuronal pathways that fire often are becoming stronger, and start to fire even more often, in more situations, becoming "attractors". Eventually, neurons outside common pathways are heavily pruned, leaving an emotional brain structure that is relatively stable. Thereafter, people tend to seek experiences that match the generated. Authors say: "most people will choose misery with a partner their limbic brain recognizes over the stagnant pleasure of a "nice" relationship with someone their attachment mechanisms cannot detect".
Given such importance of emotional brain, modern society is badly ignorant of it. Authors specifically attack US approaches for raising children, where infants are denied emotional contact right away by being put to sleep separately, where parents rarely have enough time to express any relatedness, and where 1/3 of children are raised in mother-only households, further depriving them of emotional learning. Medicine is given some critique as well, for becoming too mechanistic and detached from the patient. Finally, they lament about false attachment between humans and corporations that has arisen.
For a book written by three psychotherapists, it's surprisingly well-written, with a lively witty style.