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Comment: This item is in good condition. All pages and covers are readable. There are no stains or tears. Dust jacket is present if applicable. May contain small amounts of writing and/or highlighting. Spine and cover may show signs of wear. May not contain supplementary items. We ship within 1 business day. Big Hearted Books shares its profits with schools, churches and non-profit groups throughout New England. Thank you for your support!
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Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) Paperback – January 24, 2000

4.7 out of 5 stars 66 customer reviews

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Frequently Bought Together

  • Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love)
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  • He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships
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  • Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart
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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Do your relationships always crash? Do your married friends wonder what's wrong? "They write sitcoms about people like us," says "commitmentphobia" expert Steven Carter, "but it looks a lot more fun on the small screen than it feels in real life." The problem may be your fear of the risks of intimacy and commitment. Carter himself was a closet "commitmentphobic" when he wrote Men Who Can't Love. Now, in Getting to Commitment, he explains how to break those patterns and forge intimate connections--as he has done in his own life.

Carter sees eight hurdles between you and the relationship you deserve. He deftly analyzes each problem, points out self-destructive nonsolutions, and explains the steps necessary to break the barrier. For example, one hurdle is blaming your partners' shortcomings for the failure of previous relationships. Breaking the pattern involves seeing how you choose particular partners and self-destruct in relationships--going from blame to responsibility. Other hurdles include relationship-history ghosts, living in fantasy, and ineffective behavior patterns. "If we are to experience intimacy, our hearts have to be brave as well as loving," says Carter. Getting to Commitment will help you find that courage. Highly recommended. --Joan Price --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

Author (with Sokol) of the bestselling Men Who Can't Love, Carter, again writing with Sokol, offers advice here for both men and women with "commitmentphobia." While recognizing the "hard work" of long-term relationships, he focuses almost exclusively on "old choices, old habits, old fantasies, old programs, old language, old doubts, and old fears" that sabotage relationships in their very early stages. Carter claims that by examining and clearing out these impediments, "[t]he possibility for real love and commitment slowly blossoms in front of you like a beautiful flower." He thoroughly explores the need to stop blaming, and to understand and release old relationship "ghosts"; to develop and maintain a healthy sense of self and "self-protection"; distinguish fantasy from reality; reveal your true self; accept differences and imperfections; change old patterns; and work through anxieties. Commitment to a relationship, according to Carter, requires time, desire, energy, risk, help (from friends, family, support groups and professional therapists), mutual effort and faith. Most of all, he warns, it takes "courage." Readers will find understanding and wise counsel here for difficult feelings and self-defeating behaviors that may be hard to face, from a man who shares his own commitment fears and how he overcame them. 50,000 first printing; author tour.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 264 pages
  • Publisher: M. Evans & Company (January 24, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0871319055
  • ISBN-13: 978-0871319050
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 0.7 x 9.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (66 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #168,554 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

By A Customer on June 4, 2002
Format: Hardcover
I've been in and out of what seemed to be great relationships. I've had 5 men ask me to marry them (I did marry one of them, then divorced him). But, I never could understand why when things were getting good why I always thought that they were so bad. I had been running the whole time and didn't even know it until I read this book. I can't say enough about the insight this provides to a person. If you think that it is because of the other person in you life that you can't settle down or if you know that it may be you. Please read this book. It will begin to make sense.
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Format: Paperback
My boyfriend was (is?) a text-book commitment-phobe. Another of the authors' books, "He's scared, she's scared," helped us both recognize the symptoms for what they were, but that book didn't offer any solutions. Finally, with this book, my boyfriend learned how to work with his fears and happily stay in our relationship. Between the two books he learned his triggers, his reactions, and how to remain calm in the face of them. We have now been together >3 years and are having a fantastic relationship! I strongly recommend this book to anyone who is a commitment-phobe but who recognizes they are, yet truly wants a committed relationship.
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Format: Hardcover
"Getting to commitment" moves beyond Carter's previous book ("Men Who Can't Love") in two significant ways. First, he recognizes that commitment issues are not just a "guy" problem. Both sexes have them, frequently for the same reasons that are often deeply rooted in our childhood or adolescence.To Carter, these negative experiences hinder development of a mature, whole "Self", and are the basis for insecurities that become barriers to commitment. Second, Carter moves beyond simply identifying symptoms -- the warning signs for potential partners -- and meaningfully addresses proactive steps those with commitment problems can take to overcome the barriers to a fulfilling relationship. Significantly, Carter has traveled this road himself, which lends credibility to his prescriptions. The basis for his solutions is that those with commitment problems must take responsibility to be totally content with themselves and their own lives before they seek a relationship with someone else. A must read for anyone afflicted with commitment issues or involved with someone who is.
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By A Customer on July 24, 1999
Format: Hardcover
This book was given me by a co-worker and it really helped me to understand so much of what I had been doing in previous relationships...and what not to do in the one that I am currently in. I have been seeing this wonderful guy for about 5 months and he wants to build a life together...I refuse to even call him my boyfriend just yet, all because I think that somehow I will ultimately end up hurt or running for fear of committment...this book is an eye-opener for anyone who has had a pattern of loves lost or never found due to our pasts, our parents or those that we call ourselves "in love" with....I highly recommend it....It makes me feel like I am finally looking in the mirror at myself, my soul and my ability to be in a healthy and committed relationship...I know now that I am able and I deserve it...
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Format: Hardcover
5 stars doesn't begin to desribe how accurate and useful this book was. As I read it I got clammy and weak kneed becasue it PERFECTLY described someone I'd been with and it answered about a million questions I had about his bizzare change of behavior. It was eerily frigthening how accurate this book was in describing my ex. One day I was the air that the breathed and the next day he wasn't sure how he felt about me, literally. What I learned is to trust my gut feeling no matter what. HIGHLY recommnded for any woman who's getting to know a man who seems too good to be true or one who has something she can't quite put her finger on. Commitment phobia is probably that "thing"
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Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
My first introduction to Steven Carter was his book "He's Scared, She's Scared" which a friend recommended to me upon the dissolution of a relationship. While that book was a great help, it wasn't strong on what to do about it. That is where this book excels. Like many psychological issues, it is not a matter of whether or not we have the condition, it is only a matter of degree. This book has helped me identify my trigger points for commitmentphobia (fear of commitment) and how to manage them. By taking self-responsibility I am able to deepen intimacy in my life. This book would be helpful to anyone seeking to improve or work on relationships.
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By A Customer on June 23, 2000
Format: Hardcover
I am a female in and out of a relationship with a man that has severe anxiety and has bailed out on me several times. This book has given me insight on why he is doing this and what part I may be playing into this scenario. I have identified what I need to work on in myself and can see what he needs to do to face his fears. I believe that counseling is a must but the book can serve a purpose in that it brings to light obstacles that are put in the way of actully connecting in a real way to another person. I found this book enlightening especially since it was written by a man that had the same issues and has overcome them and now is happily married.
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