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Showing 1-10 of 49 reviews(verified purchases). Show all reviews
on February 9, 1999
My first introduction to Steven Carter was his book "He's Scared, She's Scared" which a friend recommended to me upon the dissolution of a relationship. While that book was a great help, it wasn't strong on what to do about it. That is where this book excels. Like many psychological issues, it is not a matter of whether or not we have the condition, it is only a matter of degree. This book has helped me identify my trigger points for commitmentphobia (fear of commitment) and how to manage them. By taking self-responsibility I am able to deepen intimacy in my life. This book would be helpful to anyone seeking to improve or work on relationships.
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on April 3, 1999
I have had three commitmentphobic relationships in my life, the last one being the hardest. I wanted to understand why it happened, how to stop the patterns etc and bought as many Steven Carter books as I could on the subject. I read this book some 3 months or so ago. I feel it is a book written more for the commitmentphobic than for the passive partner. Steven explains the behaviourism of commimentphobics and offers some advice in how they can stop the behaviour but doesn't explain how they can do it and Steven didn't really give much detail of his own case history as an example, which I was hoping for.
I personally don't feel it offers much help to the passive partner in how to recover from the relationship as most of Steven's books say just "forget the commitmentphobic and move on" which is easier said than done especially when someone has been such a profound part of your life. I bought Steven's books trying to understand the commitmentphobic and how to heal etc - this book didn't offer that ... when I finished the book, I thought, oh, I didn't really learn much at all and am still searching how to heal.
I have since been reading many other books in an attempt to find ways to help me heal from this (as it's been 5 months since the end of the relationship and I'm still hurting) and recommend that this book be bought (as it does give some insight) to understand a little coming from the commitmentphobic point and to also read books such as Pia Mellody's "Facing Love Addiction - Letting Go of Toxic Love" which shows and helps you work on your own personal healing step by step and at the same time helps you understand why you are a Love Addict (passive partner) and why your partner is an Avoidance Addict (commitmentphobic). It's probably best to read Steven's book as well as I was able to understand Pia's book better having read Steven's book first (hope that made sense).
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on December 15, 2013
I have in my adult life been firmly on both sides of the commitment phobe equation. Both shutting down and falling inexplicably out of love, and being hopelessly in love with someone who isn't totally present and committed. Most of the books in this overcrowded genre focus on one side or the other, often painting the phobic one as the bad or broken one.This was the first book I read that acknowledged that a person can be both and that each is a manifestation of the same thing. It deals with the issue of commitment phobia with an even and unbiased hand, and covers the topic thoroughly while still managing to be succinct and easy to read. I saw not only myself, but of course all of my exes, as well as nearly all of my friends - even the ones in relationships. Other reviewers have noted that it doesn't really give much in the way of what to do next now that the problem is identified - aside from seeking therapy - but it does acknowledge that change is a long hard step by step process. To go into HOW to change is of course many more volumes and its not what this book set out to do. There is NO quick fix but I'd say that the awareness of the issue that this book creates in the reader is half the battle. Summary - "Hey you - here's some things you're doing that I bet you didn't know you were doing. Here's how you're getting in your own way. Now, I invite you to be aware of these things as you do them in your day to day life, question them and start observing how you sabotage yourself."
My favorite aspect of this book is that it defines the concept of Commitment as what it truly and realistically is: The day to day act of being present with your partner, aware and accountable for your side of the street. Why so many people are stupid enough to believe that commitment is a proclamation or a ring is beyond me. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Life and relationships are a day to day proposition and this book clearly spells out how people are largely responsible for most of the pain they encounter in relationships in various modes of self sabotage. Will be reading it again.
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on June 18, 2016
I do NOT recommend this book. It's written in a convoluted BS blog style. This author is very good at making things longer than they need to be. This is probably to make the book look longer so it looks like it has more useful content. The most annoying part about this is that he lengthens the part that doesn't need to be lengthen!

Also, he doesn't really tell you how to fix your problem. He tells you what your problem is and then bs's the end of the chapter into some long convoluted crap then the chapter is over. "This is your problem. You should fix your problem. It's not hard to fix your problem. The problem is bad. If you fix your problem is good. Good is worse than bad. I saw a therapist for this. Bye" Thanks a lot guy.

Most importantly, I felt like this book was written for people dating commitmentphobes. Not for people like me, commitmentphobes. Why would I, the reader, the commitmentphobe, be cool with reading you telling others to leave commitmentphobes? I'm reading this book to fix my issues not to further worsen it.

Also, who starts a book about fixing commitmentphobia saying he is a commitmentphobe. Great, let's try and get out of this hole together shall we? Not....

Overall, I do not recommend this book. This is a 2005 generation self help book. The ones where they give you the intention to help and they really don't.

If you like to give yourself the illusion that you're helping yourself when you're not and like reading blogs that try and get in as many keywords as possible into one sentence, then this book is for you.
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on May 27, 2014
I don't read a ton of "relationship" books, but I have read a few. This is my go-to. It is the absolute BEST book out there - SO beyond what anyone else has offered (Dr Phil, etc. - and I've read 2 of his books and have read some other authors that have been easy reads and somewhat interesting as well, but not as useful as "Getting To Commitment").

THIS book.... this is so well written. And the author uses many, many examples of couples dealing with different issues. He also speaks to his own past issues and what he's mindful of that he needs to continue working on as well, although he has come a long way and from what I can tell, he "gets it" and now he and his wife truly have what he has worked toward getting. He's there. And he's amazing at helping others achieve the same healthy relationship(s).

He is incredibly insightful and pragmatic. Provides so much CLARITY as well. And I really like the "real life examples" of the couples he presents. I just can't recommend this book enough. If I could choose just ONE "relationship" book, this is it. It's THAT good. It's THAT helpful. He's so "real".

And the book touches on every possible aspect (in my opinion) of things/behaviors that could possibly interfere with achieving true, genuine commitment and intimacy.

You could read bits and pieces of it with your spouse or partner and probably both get some real benefit from it and actually enjoy the process. It's thought-provoking. Not kidding. He really brings up some useful points and examples.

It's a MUST read if you are struggling at all with choosing partners who hesitate (or refuse) to commit, or if you yourself have troubles with commitment and/or intimacy, this is the book. Look no further.
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on April 20, 2016
This book is 250 pages. It should be about 20. The author belabors his points by repeating the same thing in ten different phrasings, and even the different "points" are mostly the same point. He offers anecdote after anecdote about people who struggle with commitment...but not a single, practical solution. The value in this book would be that it can help one recognize his or her commitment issues...but I imagine anyone (like me) who devotes the time and money to read this book is already aware that there is an issue. I read this book because I know I have commitment issues. I didn't need 250 pages of anecdotes, relatable as they may be, to help me "realize" the realization that led me to this book in the first place. If someone genuinely believes he has no issues with commitment, why would he read this book? It makes no sense.

I suppose the value of this book is catharsis. People who have been wronged by commitmentphobes can read the stories of others who have been through the same thing, and then get the assurance that it's not their fault from self-styled experts. So the book is not really for people struggling with commitment. The book is for people who want solace after being burned by people struggling with commitment.

The authors are not doctors or psychologists. They are simply writers who have talked to a lot of people. I give them credit for being very upfront about this, and for repeatedly recommending professional counseling. That is admirable. But really, if you've confronted your issues to the extent that you are willing to buy and read a 250-page book, you know you need help. This book will not provide it. So skip the read and go right to counseling.
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on November 29, 2016
Well, I have finally admitted that I struggle with some of these fear of intimacy issues. Really, as a friend said to me - "who doesn't?"

You can be married for 30 years, married 7 times or never married at all, and still have tremendous distancing issues. Pushing people away, but then also drawing them close; pursuer and distancer behaviors, being a workaholic, too "busy" with church/children/work, whatever to sit down and visit with people who really want to get to know you. Wow, this is me and quite a few people I know. Maybe we all struggle with aspects of this. Anyway, this book is very well written and I am just now seeing the subtlety of these behaviors. I am ready to change them and so I find the writing in this book extremely helpful.

I actually read this book about 10 years ago and I didn't find it very helpful at the time. Lol!! ok, so we learn things when we are ready. Patience grasshopper !
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on January 18, 2014
This book described my life. Anyone with commitment problems and think that that the grass is always greener or that the problem is with "her" should give this book a chance. It might change your life
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on August 16, 2015
I read thr author's other book "he's scared, she's scared", and it struck a deep chord for sure and opened my eyes a lot. But this book is THE book!!! I don't know where to start, because i would quote almost every single page. So i tell you: if you suffer from commitmentphobia, codependency and other relational issues, READ THIS BOOK cover to cover without skipping a single. I don't know if it will save your life, but it may well save your soul... Nothing less!
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on August 21, 2011
I read this book in a day because it was so insightful for me! I have been in a relationship of one kind or another for 30 years until just a couple months ago and this book outlines what I knew deep down.... I have put myself in a position to prevent full commitment every time and I don't like it! What this book has helped me do is to look inside myself and address my fears and anxieties and gives me hope that I can heal and one day perhaps have that true commitment. If not, I have learned tools to make my single, happy life an acceptable outcome as well. I'd like to give this book to a couple of past boyfriends... I know they would have to be ready for what it says. You can't compel anyone to change, not even yourself. You have to want to and this book can help outline the path for you with it's eight "challenges".
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