The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence Hardcover – 1997

I spent 20 years on the streets in local law enforcement. I always felt that the Temporary Restraining Orders (TRO) we served on stalkers and spousal abusers were as worthless, in most cases, as the paper they were written on. Usually they simply served as a salve to sooth our justice system's guilt over unwillingness or inability to take strong and immediate action, or develop alternative solutions. As Gavin de Becker so aptly points out, when it comes to committed stalkers and abusers, not only are they not afraid of a piece of paper, it incents them to even a higher degree of activity and perhaps violence. The author makes an excellent case that we should be much more judicious in evaluating such cases against a threat matrix and respond in different ways depending on the nature of the threat.

I also greatly appreciate the author's discussion of the origins of fear and how important it has been in allowing mankind to develop. In addition to the twenty years I spent in law enforcement, I am also a Certified Body Language trainer and teach the power of nonverbal communication. As research has shown, what we call women's intuition is in reality the fact that women, on average, are far better at picking up nonverbal cues than men. That "intuition" was absolutely essential for the females of our species to survive in a very hostile world, where they were of slighter stature and needed to quickly detect threats around them. As the primary caregiver to children they also needed to be able to effectively interpret the cues and needs of infants and small children before spoken language.

One interesting study involved showing short film clips with the sound turned off to groups of men and women. Women scored an incredible 87% accuracy in evaluating the situation shown in the video. Afraid guys we only scored 42%. fMRI scans reveal women use 14-16 regions of their brains during communication, while men only 4-6 areas (most women probably would dispute giving us that much credit-:)

In modern society, in the interest of being "polite", we often suppress our natural intuition, our gut feelings. Back in my police career we didn't even have a term called Body Language. We only knew it as "street-smarts". One of my great fears has to do with my beautiful wife's suppression of her natural intuition around strangers, in the interest of being polite and non-judgemental. The nature of my our respective careers requires us to live in a dense urban area, surrounded by all sorts of threats. Dark parking lots, underground garages, elevators and streets filled with street people and drug addicts. While our building is very secure, once you are on the streets it's a whole different ball game. She has terrific intuition when she uses it. She is like a perfectly honed tuning fork when she is willing to trust her intuition, but due to her kind and trusting nature, she often suppresses it in the interest of being all-inclusive and accepting.

Gavin de Becker's loud message to women, Trust your gut, Don't suppress your intuition, Don't worry about hurting some stranger's feelings is a powerful one. It is my hope that my wife and every woman will be willing to read the book, reflect on all the powerful stories in The Gift of Fear, including the author's personal story.

This book is an invaluable resource for women. The 4th chapter by itself is worth the price of the book alone. Titled "Survival Signals" this chapter will teach you the sophisticated manipulations that criminal predators use to try and gain control over you.
You will learn about:

"forced teaming"- establishing premature trust based on sharing a predicament.

"charm and niceness" (remember, niceness does not equal goodness.)

"too many details"- When people lie what they say doesn't sound credible to them so they keep talking.

"typecasting"- Involves a slight insult to get the woman to respond by engaging verbally with the crim-pred.

"loan sharking"- (it's hard to tell a creep to eff off when he's done something helpful and now you are indebted to him.)

"discounting of the word NO"- refusal to respect the word no is a signal a crim-pred is trying to control you or refusing to relinquish control.

There is much more detail in this chapter, and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to recognize these "interviewing techniques" that criminal predators use. Thank you Gavin de Becker for writing such an important and informational book.

I first read this book two decades ago and it literally changed my life for the better. It provided me with insight as to why I was attracting negativity into my life, and made me realize the mistakes & behavioral choices I was making that made me a vulnerable target in my twenties. An absolute must read for those wanting to increase their knowledge of personal safety and situational awareness. Learn how to be proactive and not reactive to conditions that can affect not only your personal wellbeing, but that of your family and loved ones as well. Personal safety is a lifestyle & only we as individuals can protect ourselves 100% of the time. Empower yourself!

This is one of the best self awareness books I have ever read. It's not about bad people. It's about understanding that YOU know about bad people and trusting yourself when the hair stands on the back of your neck. I quote this book often and buy it for my loved ones because it is such a good wake-up call about how we are trained to ignore our instincts, making us susceptible to harm. Also covers how to determine real fear verses irrational fear (mostly caused by the news), tactical actions to prevent situations and many other common sense (but you need reminders) topics.

I've not yet finished book, however, what I've read is helpful and intuitive. I've dodged violence several times, most recently when someone else was held up at gunpoint by two men whose description matched two I'd crossed the street and changed direction to avoid about an hour before that victim was robbed. They just didn't look like they had a destination in mind, nor did I like the way one kept looking to and fro. I've not dodged all violence and those times I didn't were because I "behaved" and didn't want to risk offending someone(s) instead of trusting my instincts. I look forward to finishing this book.

This book provides an excellent overview on what it means to be bullied and the possible results of that behavior. It defines "fear" of something that is in response to the dread of dying, which is different than feeling uncomfortable about a situation. Becker says that we are inundated with meaningless warnings and responding to those warnings causes us to lose the ability to sense a dire, immediate warning from a prediction that under 99.9% of the cases does not come true.