Good Sex 2.0 Leader's Guide
A Whole-Person Approach to Teenage Sexuality and GodBy Jim Hancock Kara PowellZondervan
Copyright © 2009 Jim Hancock and Kara Powell
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-28271-6
Contents
Introduction ReadMe.......................................................1190-Minute Parent Meeting: Talking to Your Kids about Sex......................21Additional Ideas for Partnering with Parents..................................25Talking Points for Pastors and Other Bosses...................................29Session 1 Sex Messaging................................................51Session 2 Sexual Identity..............................................85Session 3 Intimacy.....................................................119Session 4 Desire.......................................................155Session 5 Boundaries...................................................183Session 6 Responsibility...............................................215Session 7 Do-Overs.....................................................249Plumbing + Wiring FAQs........................................................257Back-to-Basics Biology........................................................259How to Help Victims of Sexual Abuse and Other Tough Stuff.....................262All the Sex in the Bible
Chapter One
SESSION ONE | SEX MESSAGING For Your Own Preparation
Suppose you came to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food?
C. S. Lewis wrote that in the 1940s. We think he was on to something. We think maybe something has gone wrong with our appetite for sex. Pretty much any way you look at it, our culture is preoccupied with sex way out of proportion to its actual significance.
The kids you serve have grown up largely unprotected from what grown-ups cynically refer to as "adult content." But they didn't introduce all that to the sexual equation, did they?
So how do we help our students understand and enjoy and take responsibility for their sexuality? How do we equip them for life in the world where they live instead of some Neverland where children don't wrestle with sexuality?
Do we throw up our hands or dig in our heels? Do we ignore biblical messages written "too long ago" and "too far away" to be much use in the 21st century? Or alter them to fit modern sensibilities? Or do we hunker down and defend our tiny square of turf until the last of us dies off and the world goes to hell?
Things are messy. But not messier than what's recorded in the Bible. The earliest Christian communities flourished in cultures where sexual norms were flat-out abusive. Those folks lived in places where sexual slavery was a given; where women and girls were property-collected, traded, used, and discarded. They lived in cities where boys were sex objects for wealthy men. And no one raised an eyebrow, let alone a helping hand.
People who loved Jesus stood out in those cultures. And it wasn't so much what they said as the way they lived. God's people reinvented the family by living in committed marriage, instilling respect for women, and protecting and nurturing children instead of exploiting them.
These ideas were huge, not because smart people wrote about them but because ordinary people lived them out.
That's what we're after here: To contrast the sexual messages that kids grow up hearing and seeing with the much more optimistic view of sexuality in the biblical tradition. Somehow, what we call "the Church" has lost the thread of sexual wholeness along with everybody else. Maybe it's time to stop obsessing about the sexual norms that surround us and steadily but quietly help kids grow into their sexuality healthy and whole.
This session explores the messages that students routinely receive about sex and invites them to begin engaging the biblical text as a source of information and guidance about who they are as whole people-including their sexuality.
Suggested Session Outline NOW Where Did You Learn About Sex? | DVD + Discussion page 34 NEW Male + Female | Bible Study page 36 HOW SexTalk: Sex Messaging | DVD + Discussion page 39
Other Resources for Teaching on Sex Messaging NOW Where in the World Are You? | Survey + Discussion page 41 NOW Loveline | Discussion page 43 NOW Commercial Breaks | Video + Discussion page 45 NOW RU Sexualized? | Reading + Discussion page 46 HOW Shred | Exercise + Discussion page 47
Reflect for a Moment
We can't lead students where we're not willing to go ourselves. We can point them ... but they'd rather be guided. Here are a few questions to consider as you prepare to lead this session on sex messaging.
Q: If a totally objective stranger had absolute access to your life, where do you think she'd say you got your ideas about sex?
What influences do you think she'd say were healthy for you?
What influences do you think she'd say were unhealthy?
Q: Forget about the totally objective stranger: what do you wish you'd learned sooner?
Is there anything you wish you could go back and unlearn?
Q: If you had just one hour to talk with kids about sex, what would you try to communicate?
Why do you think that's so important?
If you couldn't lecture on the subject, how would you try to communicate during that hour?
NOW | Where Did You Learn about Sex? (10 minutes)
The Big Idea: Some of the ways we learn about sexuality are more trustworthy than others.
Play the video, then ask-
Q: What's the truest thing you heard in that piece? Why do you think that's true?
Q: Were any sources of sexual information missing from the video?
Distribute the Where Did You Learn about Sex? handout and talk through the questions together.
Here's a quote you can use in the discussion if you wish:
The debate over whether to have sex education in American schools is over. A new poll by NPR, the Kaiser Family Foundation, and Harvard's Kennedy School of Government finds that only 7 percent of Americans say sex education should not be taught in schools ... However, this does not mean that all Americans agree on what kind of sex education is best. There are major differences over the issue of abstinence. Fifteen percent of Americans believe that schools should teach only about abstinence from sexual intercourse and should not provide information on how to obtain and use condoms and other contraception. A plurality (46 percent) believes that the most appropriate approach is one that might be called "abstinence-plus"-that while abstinence is best, some teens do not abstain, so schools also should teach about condoms and contraception. Thirty-six percent believe that abstinence is not the most important thing, and that sex ed should focus on teaching teens how to make responsible decisions about sex.
Transition: Let's explore Mark 10 as a next step in our discussion about sexuality.
NEW | Male + Female | Bible Study (20 minutes)
The Big Idea: Any serious discussion of sexuality begins with the truth that men and women are both created in God's image.
Explain: You can't believe everything you hear. I know that doesn't come as a shock to you. Jesus underscored this when some religious leaders approached him about sexual relationships. It's in Mark 10:1-12 ...
Read Mark 10:1-12 together, then ask-
Q: What point do you think Jesus was making in his response to these religious leaders?
Q: Does anyone recognize the biblical passages Jesus quotes here: "God 'made them male and female'" and "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'"?
Explain: The first quotation is from Genesis 1:27-So God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
The second quotation is from Genesis 2:24-For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
The religious leaders challenged Jesus with the law of Moses on divorce. Jesus responded by going back to the first principles in creation:
1. Men and women are both created in God's image.
2. The union of a woman and a man in marriage is not a disposable relationship.
You may be wondering why either idea was ever in question. William Barclay says the problem Jesus was addressing hinged on the fact that,
In Jewish law a woman was regarded as a thing. She had no legal rights whatever but was at the complete disposal of the male head of the family. The result was that a man could divorce his wife on almost any grounds, while there were very few on which a woman could seek divorce. At best she could only ask her husband to divorce her. "A woman may be divorced with or without her will, but a man only with his will."
So ... you can see the problem: In Matthew's telling of the story (Matthew 19:1-11), the religious leaders asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (verse 3). The people with unlimited power wanted even more power to do exactly as they pleased. I doubt that comes as a shock to you either.
Q: Do you have a theory about why people with power sometimes try to grab even more power?
How have you seen that played out between people who claim to love each other?
Q: Is there anyone here who hasn't seen that kind of selfishness damage a relationship?
If you've seen self-seeking power ruin a relationship, then-without revealing the identity of the people you're talking about-can you tell us what you saw?
Q: Glance back through Mark 10:1-12 to answer this question: Do you think Jesus implies a solution to the problem of selfishness between husbands and wives? Talk about that.
Explain: If I was going to pick a clue from what Jesus says here, then I think I would call it "soft hearts." Jesus said, "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law" (Mark 10:5, emphasis added). Soft hearts ...
Distribute the Soft Hearts handout and talk through the questions together.
When you complete the handout ...
Explain: You might think this would go without saying, but maybe any serious conversation about sexuality has to begin with the questions: Are women better than men? and Are men better than women?
Q: Based on what we've read in Mark 10:1-12, what answer does Jesus give?
Q: If someone asked you to identify the point of this discussion, what would you say?
Transition: You know the old saying, "It takes a village to raise a kid"? Well, some of the members of that village are other kids. I'm convinced you need each other and can be there for each other. I want us to spend the rest of this session thinking about ways we can help each other understand and grow in our sexuality.
HOW | SexTalk: Sex Messaging (20 minutes)
The Big Idea: Maybe it's time for Christians to stop obsessing over other people's sex lives and quietly help each other grow into our own sexuality healthy and whole.
Play the DVD, then ask-
Q: What idea or phrase stuck with you from that piece?
Q: Why do you think that's significant?
Read Mark 12:28-34 together.
Explain: The word that's translated into English here as all-all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, all your strength-is a peculiar word that carries the meaning of "everything," "the sum total," "the whole enchilada," "ALL." I'm just joking around. All means "all." That's all it can mean.
Let's make a quick list of human traits and experiences included in all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. You call them out, and I'll write them down.
Q: Do you have any reason to think your sexuality is not part of all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength?
Explain: In this series of sessions called Good Sex, we're going to explore deeply what it means to love God with ALL, including our sexuality.
We'll also explore what it means to keep the second most important commandment: "Love your neighbor as yourself." I think that begins with agreeing on how safe we want this room to be. So, let's talk for a moment about making this group a safe place to talk about sexuality.
Distribute the handout Can I Be Perfectly Honest with You? and go through it together.
When you reach the end of the handout, ask:
Q: Does that seem fair?
Continue: If it does, I'd like each of us to say it out loud to everyone else. I'll go first, and then I'm going to ask someone else if he or she is willing to join me in this commitment. If so, then that person will make the commitment and then ask someone else to join him or her.
Anyone who's uncomfortable making the commitment can just say, "I need to think about it some more," or "I pass."
Okay, first me: "I'll keep what we say here confidential unless someone's life is in danger, and I'm asking you to do the same thing."
(Ask someone else to make the commitment, then prompt the process until everyone has agreed or taken a pass. Of course you'll need to follow up with anyone who's not comfortable promising to keep the confidence of the others in the group.)
Continue: One last thing. At the end of the video clip, he talked about quietly helping each other grow into our own sexuality healthy and whole.
Q: What do you think it would take for us to develop that kind of Christian community?
What do you think we might need to start doing?
What do you think we might need to stop doing?
Where do you think we might get what it takes to do that for each other?
Conclude: Lead the group in a prayer of thanksgiving for our sexuality and hope that God will enable your group to grow into the kind of generous people who'll never take advantage of anyone's weakness and always help each grow up healthy and whole.
Other Resources for Teaching on Sex Messaging
NOW | Where in the World Are You? (15 minutes)
The Big Idea: Where we stand and where we'd like to go together
Explain: Hopefully, this group can be a safe place for us to discuss the sexual messages and pressures that bombard us all the time. And, hopefully, we'll figure out what God would say back to us through the Bible and through each other.
We don't want to waste anybody's time here-not yours, nor mine. To make sure we all understand the most important questions and issues we're facing, I'd like to give you time to complete this Where in the World Are You? handout and give it back to me.
I'm not going to do a handwriting analysis or anything to try to figure out who wrote what. It's completely anonymous, so I hope you'll feel free to identify where you're at now, as well as where you'd like to be.
Distribute the Where in the World Are You? handout and give students enough time to answer the questions.
After students complete their handouts, if you wish, put them in groups of three or four and ask them to share one or two things they wrote. After a few minutes, reconvene the session and ask:
Q: What did you hear from your friends just now that rings true with you?
Q: Would you say you more welcome or dread the idea of discussing sexuality in our group? Why is that?
Q: If you could get me to hear one important thing on this subject, what would that be?
Conclude this element by asking God to give each person the wisdom to help each other understand and enjoy our sexuality under the lordship of Jesus.
NOW | Loveline | Discussion (15 minutes)
The Big Idea: Assessing the sorts of questions and answers kids hear about sex
Ask-
Q: How many of you have heard of the show Loveline? (Pick one or two people who raise their hands.) Describe it for us briefly.
If no one raises a hand, say: Loveline is a radio call-in show where people ask the hosts and various celebrity guests questions about sex.
Distribute the Loveline handout and work through the first caller together.
When you finish discussing the first caller ...
Explain: The Loveline hosts told Adam to stay out of the situation because he has absolutely nothing to offer this child. It's better if the child never knows who his father is. (And, no, if anyone asks, the first caller was not longtime Loveline cohost Adam Carolla.)
Return to the handout and work through the second caller together.
When you finish discussing the second caller...
Explain: The Loveline hosts told Toni to stay out of it and let the couple work it out themselves.
Return to the handout and work through the third caller together.
When you finish discussing the third caller ...
Explain: The Loveline hosts told Melissa she had a compulsive addiction to sex that had been triggered by this event. She was told to get counseling and hook up with an AA-type group.
Q: Given the advice that the Loveline hosts gave that night, how likely would you be to suggest that a friend call in to try to talk to them about a sexual issue?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Good Sex 2.0 Leader's Guideby Jim Hancock Kara Powell Copyright © 2009 by Jim Hancock and Kara Powell. Excerpted by permission.
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