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Sheila Wray Gregoire

The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended Paperback – March 2, 2021

by Sheila Wray Gregoire (Author), Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach (Author), Joanna Sawatsky (Author)

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What if it's not your fault that sex is bad in your marriage?

Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of 22,000 Christian women, The Great Sex Rescue unlocks the secrets to what makes some marriages red hot while others fizzle out. Generations of women have grown up with messages about sex that make them feel dirty, used, or invisible, while men have been sold such a cheapened version of sex, they don't know what they're missing. The Great Sex Rescue hopes to turn all of that around, developing a truly biblical view of sex where mutuality, intimacy, and passion reign.

The Great Sex Rescue pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--and the good teachings that leave others breathless. In the #metoo and #churchtoo era, not only is this book a long overdue corrective to church culture, it is poised to free thousands of couples from repressive and dissatisfying sex lives so that they can experience the kind of intimacy and wholeness God intended.

Print length

272 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Baker Books
Publication date

March 2, 2021
Dimensions

5.5 x 0.62 x 8.5 inches
ISBN-10

1540900827
ISBN-13

978-1540900821
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After over fifteen years of helping couples have better sex lives, we’ve realized that a lot of problems are not caused by a lack of good information–they’re caused by believing bad teachings. So we did a study of over 20,000 women to figure out which teachings were harmful and which were helpful to help couples learn the truth about sex from a Jesus-centered worldview.

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From the Back Cover

What if the way Christians talk about sex actually makes it worse?

Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of over twenty thousand women, The Great Sex Rescue pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic evangelical teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--while pointing couples to what they should have been told all along.

Experience the relief of knowing that you are not broken! Elusive pleasure, mismatched desires, perpetual sexual temptation--that doesn't need to be your story any longer.

The Great Sex Rescue is a long overdue corrective to church culture, helping couples awaken the kind of intimacy and passion God intended.

"A groundbreaking look into what true, sacred biblical sexuality is intended to be. A must-read."--Rachael Denhollander, gymnast, victim advocate, and author of What Is a Girl Worth?

"This book is desperately needed in this moment."--Kristin Kobes Du Mez, author of Jesus and John Wayne

"The authentic gut punch that the evangelical community needs."--Andrew J. Bauman, LMHC, cofounder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma

About the Author

Sheila Wray Gregoire is the face behind ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com, the largest single-blogger marriage blog. She's also an award-winning author of nine books, including The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. She lives in Ontario, Canada, with her husband. They have two adult daughters and a new grandbaby.

Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila's daughter, and the author of Why I Didn't Rebel. Working alongside her husband, Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Baker Books (March 2, 2021)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1540900827
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1540900821
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.3 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.62 x 8.5 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #2,849 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #40 in Love & Romance (Books)
- #48 in Christian Women's Issues
- #53 in Christian Personal Growth

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

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Sheila Wray Gregoire is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex! A popular speaker, marriage blogger, and award-winning author of seven books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, she wants to challenge Christians to go beyond pat answers on marriage to reach real intimacy. Sheila believes in authenticity, and gives real solutions to the very real and messy problems women, and couples, can face. She and her husband Keith spend a lot of their time touring North America in an RV, speaking at marriage conferences, hiking, and birdwatching. The parents to two adult daughters, you can usually find her in Belleville, Ontario, where she’s either knitting, blogging, or taking her grandson out for a walk.

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JA Schwartz

NOT a "liberal" message rejecting Scripture -- restoration of sex-teaching in Evangelicalism.

Reviewed in the United States on March 2, 2021

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If you grew up in Evangelical Christian church culture, if you're in it now, and especially if you are a pastor or teacher, you should read this book.

I am being rescued by this book. I am one of those women whose hang-ups about sex have caused grief in my otherwise really great marriage. And I'm one of those women whose hang-ups have come, pretty much entirely, I think, from the evangelical culture/teachings I've absorbed all my life. I am one of those women married to a wonderful man who desires true mutuality and intimacy with me, who values my experience (read: orgasm) and perspective. He is a true partner in all things. (Here we cue the big-time guilt from me, the wife who never really wants to have sex with her wonderful husband... what is wrong with me??). Through tears I have told my husband what a strange experience it is to be "triggered" by the clarity of this message, calling out all the messed-up teaching. I knew something was off with “purity culture” and such, but I didn't really realize where my aversion to sex was coming from and how much those messages have affected me. I feel like I understand something about myself that I didn't before, why something deep down inside me has been recoiling against this stuff all along (without even consciously recognizing it). When my husband just wants to be with me, my gut instead has felt that deeply-ingrained duty/obligation sex message that is so icky.

Basically, I realize that I've been taught the exact same unhealthy crap that secular culture teaches (everything the #metoo movement has called out: the low expectations for men, men are animals, girls have to enforce boundaries, transactional sex, objectification of women, girls need to put out to keep guys around, etc...) just with the twist of purity culture applied to it and the authority of Scripture (taken out of context and misinterpreted) slapped on for extra force. Which makes it all even uglier and more abhorrent, if we recognize it for what it is. It has been interesting for me to realize how much of Evangelical teaching about sex in marriage comes from a male perspective and with an underlying fear-based message. God, as shown to us by Jesus, is never interested in coercing behavior out of fear.

It is hard to describe how restorative, immensely validating and freeing it is just to have an informed Christian voice saying with clarity, “No. That is wrong. That is not true. This is not acceptable.” I have cried a lot (in a good way). As a young woman growing up with a heart for Jesus and a healthy sex drive, if I had never internalized this stuff I think I would have entered into marriage with an amazing freedom in regard to sex - just two people wanting to love each other, mutually please each other, and connect.

I am so, so thankful for this book! I hope it is a game-changer for Evangelical Christian culture. Let's get rid of these rotten messages and run toward freedom in Christ (and the great sex in marriage that brings)! :) I'm ready, and I'm thankful for the rescue.

476 people found this helpful

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Heidi

Data Driven - Crushing the Myths

Reviewed in the United States on March 2, 2021

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Finally. A Christian book not based on myths and old wives fables!! This is packed with science and data driven studies- while given in an easy to read and fun format. The message evangelicals have given for decades is so one sided and has taken consent off the table. The Great Sex Rescue makes consent a priority and teaches how this is not one-sided. Both people should be enjoying this and being fulfilled! One sided intercourse should not be accepted any longer in Christian circles! The Bible has ALWAYS portrayed it with two sides. For the man AND the woman. Sex is not “God’s gift to man” with woman commanded to fulfill her duty. And a wife is not held accountable for her husband’s sexual sins. TGSR deals with Scripture, medical issues, childhood trauma, date rape, consent, and how healthy couples can grow closer than ever and continue to have a fun sexual relationship throughout the years!

235 people found this helpful

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Steve Andrews

Dangerous theology

Reviewed in the United States on June 22, 2021

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I serve as an LCMS pastor, and I'm regularly looking out for books that could be beneficial in pre-marriage and marriage counseling. I recommend couples work through one book on marriage together every year, just to keep strengthening. The description of this book sounded encouraging and beneficial, so, I thought I'd check it out.

The biggest problem and deal-breaker is this quote: "According to the Bible, once we are indwelled with the Holy Spirit, we should expect that lust will be defeated," (pg. 90). Go ahead and replace lust with any sin you struggle with. They're saying if you still struggle with sin, the Holy Spirit is not in you, you are not a child of God, and there is no salvation for you. This is soul crushing, and for this line alone, I could never recommend this book to anyone. We don't defeat our sins, Jesus does! Even Paul, one of the greatest witnesses to Christ in the history of the Church admitted that he struggled with sin and kept doing the things he knew he ought not to do.

The next major problem is a recurring theme throughout the book: the wife need not care for her husband. It's said in many chapters, and in various ways, but essentially, whatever problems your husband may have are his alone. There's no encouragement to "bear one another's burdens," (Galatians 6:2). The idea that we should help our spouse fight against the devil and temptation simply isn't here. They even seek to reword and redefine 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, telling you it's often necessary to ignore your spouse's needs and think instead of your own. This isn't Christianity. It's not from God's Word. God gave us to care for one another. Even in the Christian's New Testament freedom, God still tells us our purpose in this world is to love God and love our neighbor (Matthew 22:34-40, as one example among many).
Christians are servants. Going back to the Garden of Eden, in perfection, Adam didn't care for Adam. That wasn't his job; instead, God gave him to care for Eve and creation. Eve didn't care for Eve. That wasn't her job; instead God gave her to care for Adam and creation. They were naked and had no shame. But, after the Fall into sin, they realized they were naked. They looked down at their own body instead of looking outward to care for others. And we've been doing it ever since. One of the ways the Church has long discussed sin is "turning inward."

The final issue I'll mention: these authors have drunk deeply from the American culture of independence, feminism, and egalitarianism. An example: God's Word says, "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior," (Ephesians 5:23). In pages 31-33, they flat out reject this concept, and instead argue for the "equal" home of shared power.

Simply put, this book uses Christian words, but distorts and discredits God's actual Word. That won't lead to Christ-centered homes and families. The New Testament frequently exhorts us to be aware of false teaching, and when we find it, to avoid it (for example, see Romans 16:17).

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L.E.

The Great Sex Rescue brings life and hope to hurting marriages

Reviewed in Canada on March 2, 2021

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This book is FANTASTIC and revolutionary. Sheila NAILS it, repeatedly, all over the place. I cannot recommend it highly enough for undoing all the terrible things we were taught about sex!

It’s like when we were first married, I was handed a lovely little box of beliefs, neatly packaged up in popular evangelical books. They said if I followed these beliefs, I would be the wife God wanted me to be and my husband would be happy and this was the perfect recipe for marital bliss. Well guess what? These beliefs can actually lead to pain, abuse, enabling addiction, stripping away personhood from women, viewing men as powerless to their urges, and basically just overall literal DISASTER.

In The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Rebecca & Joanna literally come to the Rescue and throw back the covers on all the mess:
-Lies we’ve been fed in the most popular Christian sex & marriage books are uncovered, and exposed for what they are
-The insanity of those beliefs and the broken logic that backfires horribly in marriage is called out
-Abuse is shown to be abuse instead of being excused continually
-Addiction is called what it is instead of being enabled, and they urge you to seek professional help
-Women are called people, deserving of care and basic human kindness. Women are spoken of as being worthy and valued, not merely objects to be used.
-Men are called to be the men that Jesus sees them as and can empower them to be, not helpless
-Men & women are pointed to Jesus instead of formulas that stereotype and paralyze us

This book is for you if:
-you’ve ever read the popular Christian marriage books and they’ve sat wrong and you felt more hopeless afterward, like you were broken
-you feel like you are merely an object in your marriage
-you don’t enjoy sex or think that your body “just doesn’t work how it should”
-if you have pain in sex
-you believe that if you just try harder in your marriage, it will be better. If you give more sex, more happily, more enthusiastically, it will improve and he will be happier

If any of these resound with you, please snatch up this book as fast as you can!!! Maybe you will find that you were building on a broken foundation and no amount of fixing would ever produce the result you are looking for. But there’s a better way. There’s hope for something better. There’s hope for freedom and togetherness and mutuality and safety and pleasure and love where BOTH individuals matter and are allowed to have a say and be able to give willingly.

A few quotes:
-“Women are given a beautiful picture of shame-free, passionate sex but then are bombarded by dangerous teaching rampant in these same books: it’s her duty to give him sex when he asks, regardless of how she feels; sex is something he will take from her because he needs it so badly; all men lust, so she needs to do her part if she wants her husband to stay faithful. Our theology of sex has to go beyond the creation story in Genesis, of being naked and not ashamed, and encompass so much more.”
-“When you are repeatedly told that you are not allowed to say no to sex and that what you need is less important than what your spouse needs, that is a deep rejection of you as a person.”
-“We needed to give people explicit permission to reject the aspect of the evangelical zeitgeist [beliefs] that were holding them back”
-“It is perfectly reasonable for a woman to expect her husband to live out his wedding vows. She isn’t being selfish. She isn’t failing to understand what it is to be a guy. She is standing on biblical principles.”
-“Not being able to look at a woman treats women like threats rather than people. And what do you do with threats? You neutralize them…Well, people treat lust the same – just get rid of the woman! Or at least tell them to cover up…. The irony is that by equating attraction with lust, we’ve boiled women down to their bodies, whether a man is avoiding her completely or lusting about her…. The key to defeating lust is not to avoid looking at women; it’s to actually see them.”
-“God does not blame women for causing men to sin simply by existing”
-“You don’t build a great sex life by telling a woman that unless she becomes wholly available to her husband in such a vulnerable way, he will betray her by turning to pornography.”
-“Your experience matters. God gave you discernment. You’re allowed to use it. When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they are saying, and if He is not there, discard it.”

I believe that in The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Joanna & Rebecca will bring light and hope to countless marriages where pain and defeat currently rule.

25 people found this helpful

Anon

Timely & much needed!

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 2, 2021

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I've been following Sheila's blog podcast for a couple of years and had come to realize that many of the beliefs I had received growing up about sex and relationships, through certain Christian books and resources, were actually causing a lot of damage to myself and my marriage. And as I started talking to Christian friends I realized many of them also had similar experiences.

Sex had been presented to us as a wife's duty, our husbands were the ones with the need for sexual release and a woman's pleasure and experience was rarely discussed. Not surprisingly, these messages led to stress, anxiety, pain and confusion in many marriages.

This book, which takes data from over 20,000 women, has helped me to realize that these challenges were not unique to me and my close friends but actually have affected a whole generation! Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna identify specific messages from a number Christian books which have given a skewed understanding of sex in marriage, and they offer in this book a healthier, biblical understanding.

It is going to be a long process to unlearn many of these unhealthy beliefs that have been ingrained but I'm excited to be on the journey and this book is such a helpful companion in dismantling harmful messages and rebuilding a healthy view of sex.

This book gives a high value to women (women are equally worthy of experiencing pleasure and enjoying sex as men) and to men (men are equally capable of having a healthy & respectful sexuality as women). I would recommend this book to anyone who is wondering if the messages they've been taught about sex really are honoring and healthy in their relationship; to pastors wondering how to teach about sex in a biblical and helpful way; to those who want to find out more about a Christian perspective on sex; to therapists looking to help clients who have experienced trauma from unhelpful teaching on sex... really anyone can gain some helpful insights.

7 people found this helpful

Julia Belanger

A book of healing for those harmed my toxic theology surrounding sex.

Reviewed in Canada on March 2, 2021

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This is just the book marriages need. The negative impact of harmful books has permeated Christian marriage for too long, and this book comes to provide insight on those seriously damaging issues and instead provides a healthy alternative that doesn't perpetuate self-doubt, unrealistic expectations, and at the most dangerous, cycles of abuse and dynamics that perpetuate harm. The author puts it all on the line calling out abusive theology on sex within the evangelical church, and her decision to do so demonstrates a courage and bravery that is inspiring. This book is a must read for anyone who has been harmed by toxic theology surrounding sex. Which, let's face it, is mostly anyone within the evangelical church. This book is healing 💛

26 people found this helpful

Rachel

Redrawing the Path toward Wholeness in Marriage

Reviewed in Canada on March 2, 2021

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It is obvious that Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna desire to foster healthy marriages where sex is mutually pleasurable. Their extensive survey of 20,000 women showed them that achieving this goal would only be possible by pointing out where Christian authors have gone off track in the past (whether intentionally or unintentionally) and redrawing the path to wholeness. I so appreciate that they chose to embrace faithfulness to God and his heart for marriage over blind loyalty to various authors. They bravely point out harmful teachings and then rescue and reframe those teachings in light of God’s Word. In every chapter, the authors continually point readers to Jesus—the one who should be at the centre of all our marriages. Sheila humbly admits to errors she has made in the past as well, reframing some of her own statements in light of things she has learned in recent years about trauma and abuse. This book helps readers identify concepts that might be imperceptibly sabotaging their marriage and points the way towards a healthy marriage, with Christ at the centre, and an emphasis on mutual pleasure.

25 people found this helpful

Anon

Well researched, it is a rally cry for great sex.

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 12, 2021

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I wish I had this book when I first got married. When we got married, we both wanted sex but it hurt me so, so much. It felt like there was no where to turn. Doctors would dismiss my pain or didn't really know what to suggest, trusted friends meant well but had no idea what to say. Over the years, mostly thanks to Sheila's blog and books, I have unpicked so much of how I thought about sex and how to deal with sexual pain. My husband reading this book is for the first time realising what is taught (Usually to girls) about sex and it has helped open up countless valuable conversations. While it challenges many of the popular books it doesn't dismiss them completely; it deals with them fairly and calls them out when necessary. It a rally cry to do better. Any criticism of this book (re their research) is simply not true and you can find links to their research and see for yourself. In fact if you lol at the cited research in many of the quoted unhelpful books their research is neither non existent or from such a small sample it's not worth it. This is an evidence based book with rigorous research and it can not be ignored! You will not regret reading it.

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