Guns of El Chupacabra
One Space Sheriff. One Blood Thirty Monster. And One Million Bullets.
Guns of El Chupacabra is the Epic Saga of how Jack B. Quick, Space Sheriff ascends to Knighthood and becomes The Reverend Doctor Saint Francis Blade.
Guns of El Chupacabra stars International Action Star and Martial Arts Master SCOTT SHAW, Penthouse Pet and B-Movie Queen, JULIE STRAIN, Co-Creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, KEVIN EASTMAN, B-Movie Icons, JOE ESTEVEZ and CONRAD BROOKS, and the Ultimate Hollywood Bad Guy, ROBERT Z'DAR,
Guns of El Chupacabra is a Visually Stunning, Fast Paced, Non-Stop Action-Adventure, with more bullets flying than in a Hong Kong Action Film. Guns of El Chupacabra takes the Hollywood Action-Adventure Cult Movie to the next level.
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The box says "One Bloodthirsty Monster...One Space Sheriff...And One Million Bullets" and that is truth in advertising, but there's much more. Since the plot is incomprehensible, I see no way but to cover the film chronologically. The film opens with King All-Media and Queen B sending for the "Space Sheriff," Jack B. Quick. (Really.) They want to see him because an "interruption in the flow of light" has caused a glitch in the space-time continuum, which has unleashed the chupacabra on the earth. Angels and demons escort Quick to earth, and we quickly discover that the film co-stars Robert Z'Dar, Joe Estevez, and Conrad Brooks, along with scream queen Julie Strain. For coming all the way to earth Quick has the junkiest car I have ever seen (it's called the "Mighty Plytech.") Before I continue, I must advise viewers to beware of the soundtrack: the music is loud and frequently overpowers dialogue (not that that's a bad thing.) The music also has one other consistent trait: it has absolutely nothing to do with the scenes involved. More on this later.
The film has many caption cards (which are mildly relevant at best) that attempt to explain what's going on. Examples include "Enter Bride of the Monster," and "Sonic Demon and the Wong Ranger." The Space Sheriff crosses the galaxy but has to buy two pistols out of the back of a station wagon, as the black market peddler doesn't have a "MR-7 Laser Interceptor." Quick gets to work discovering a subplot about a fiend putting women in chicken coops while Spanish language music is sung very loudly in a manner similar to, but considerably less soothing than, Yoko Ono. This sets the stage for a lot of scenes in which English and Spanish are randomly intermixed, resulting in a discussion about pigs, and the first major round of firearms practice. A journalist from TV News station "Parasite" quickly traces the chupacabra to a junkyard in southern California, where we stay for the rest of the movie.
We next learn that the chupacabra is the result of a government genetic experiment, which requires Quick to do some karate on a rooftop for some reason. Queen B gets romantic with a guy in a silver diaper, which segues into Robert Z'Dar's entrance with a cast of villains including Mexican wrestlers and "Dogboy." Z'Dar controls the chupacabras, and employs a cannibal redneck to round them up. Since you are doubtlessly confused, Joe Estevez shows up to narrate as "Rocket Ranger Dan Danger," complete with backpack and goggles. (I swear.) Just when you thought the harmonica music was the most annoying part of the film we discover that some chupacabra are invisible, adding to the number of rounds fired pointlessly. After fisticuffs between an extremely attractive woman in sandals and a space alien in mittens, we see a daring hostage rescue featuring yet another new character set to avant-garde music in (apparently) Japanese sounding like "The Chipmunks" impersonating "Rush," followed by a tussle involving two "Chupacabra Agents" in a subway station. After some Mexican wrestling, we find the alien and the chupacabra menacing some girls in a chicken coop. Quick rescues the girls, but doesn't bother to shoot either the alien or the chupacabra, in the only second of the film not filled with gunfire.
It quickly devolves into "The Most Dangerous Game" when "Z-Man Lord Invader" (Z'Dar, with a gun as big as his chin) and the "Texon Five" chase down Quick and the reporter in a truck while bluegrass banjo music blares.
I am sad to report that the film then becomes a "movie within a movie," which is a kind of documentary-action-musical dedicated to Jack B. Quick. (It even features a Scott Shaw temper tantrum.) We are then treated to some footage of general aviation aircraft and the plot changes to the chupacabra stalking a Cinco de Mayo festival, which Joe Estevez helpfully explains in a very confusing lesson. The reporter finds out that it's a government conspiracy, and is kidnapped for her knowledge. Meanwhile Quick is on a yacht getting some shuteye when a girl brings him a newsflash: an arrow is the only way to kill a chupacabra. Quick goes hunting the beast, runs him over with the Mighty Plytech, and shoots him with a quiver of arrows (while the soundtrack sounds like Yoko impersonating the "Talking Heads.") Estevez returns to summarize the film, Conrad Brooks has gone to the afterlife (hint: it involves chainmail) for some reason, and Quick gets knighted "The Reverend Doctor Saint Francis Blade" by Queen B. The end.
That is a lot to process, so feel free to watch it several times. You will doubtlessly find my single biggest complaint about the DVD helpful: the whole movie is one big track, so once you start you don't want to take it out of the DVD player and start over. The credits are mildly amusing, but I can't imagine endorsing this film (except as an example of extremely bad cinema) without compensation. This is for hardened Shaw/Estevez/Brooks veterans only; if in doubt try "Toad Warrior" first. It is a much better film.
Just because you can film it doesn't mean you should.
Scott Shaw is Awsome as Jack B. Quick Space Sheriff. I mean, what a character. It's just too cool for words. All the way through the movie he is shooting more bullets that in a John Woo, Chow Yun-Fat, Hong Kong movie. And, Robert Z'Dar is way cool as Z'Man Lord Invader.
And, for your penthouse types, Julie Strain is in it.
There is really no way to describe this movie as it is like nothing I have ever seen before.
All very-very cool.
The fights are just as bad. Ok, the girls that fight in this film do a bad job. You kind of expext that. But the guys aren't much better. You whould hope that they would try harder to make it realistic.
Bottom line, this movie sucks. If you want to see Julie Strain kick ass, watch Battle Queen 2020. Don't be fooled by the other rating.
I think this movie is really good. What I think is most entertaining about it, and truly makes it unique, is that it follows several storylines. These storylines then merge but then they shift apart again. And that's cool.
Like Vampire Blvd. this movie takes a different approach to presenting a Monster Movie than one would expect. I certainly didn't expect the story to be presented in the way that it was. And that's also cool.
One of the other cool things about this movie is the soundtrack. There is a bunch of country and bluegrass music. Something you rarely hear in movies. Then there is some wild punk rock. Very cool.
After watching this movie I looked on-line and read some of the articles about it. I think the filmmakers accomplished what they set out to do, "to make a movie, within a movie, within a movie."
This movie is a great watch if you like the unexpected.
Scott Shaw is GREAT!
Julie Strain is GREAT!
Joe Estevez is extra COOL!
Robert Z'Dar is at the top of his game!
This movie takes the viewer through the most bizzare chain of theatrical events I have ever seen. There is nothing in the world of recent Indy Filmmaking that even comes close. This is a B-Movie Cinematic Masterpiece.
However if you want pointless nudity, no plot at all, hard to follow script (ladies the men in this movie are not that hot and mostly over ugh) this is your film. So get the popcorn and laugh till your side hurts because you will.