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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Paperback – Illustrated, December 7, 2010
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"...a good resource for professionals and families, because it provides therapists with concrete ideas to incorporate both instruction and hope into their practice by providing patients and their families suggestions in simple, non-condescending language. It is by far the best book on the market on BPD."
-Anita Biase, strugglingteens.com
About the Author
Hal Straus is a professional health and medical writer who has penned five books, including the bestselling I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me (with Jerold J. Kreisman, MD), and has contributed numerous articles to Ladies’ Home Journal, Men’s Health, and Redbook.
- Item Weight : 8 ounces
- Paperback : 288 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0399536213
- ISBN-13 : 978-0399536212
- Dimensions : 5.48 x 0.84 x 8.23 inches
- Publisher : TarcherPerigee; Revised, Updated ed. edition (December 7, 2010)
- Language: : English
- Best Sellers Rank: #5,012 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
Top reviews from the United States
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There is also a passage where the author blames an EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD for the sexual abuse she suffered from her stepfather, literally saying that she "allowed" it to continue. This is outrageous and offense victim-blaming -- an eight-year-old does not have the mental and emotional capacity to defend herself against an adult sexual predator!
Additionally, the author victim-blames again when citing a case of a black woman who supposedly used her "racial sensitivities" to avoid taking responsibility for her actions, the author saying that "railing against racial discrimination was useless without a commitment to work toward changing it". This effectively states that victims of racism are responsible for ending racism and for teaching white people how to not be racist. I hope I don't have to explain why this is ridiculous and egregiously offensive.
I do not understand why this book has so many positive reviews. I am sickened by how misogynist and outright absurd many of the claims in this book are.
I walked on eggshells constantly, always either in combat during her rages or, feeling like her happier moments were merely cease-fires whose duration were always short and correctly anticipated to be so.
I ended the relationship, believing my ex to be an evil reptilian person who didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy."
But I also didn't know about the ways family and others in relationships with a borderline can cope with the borderline's behavior. The SET-UP technique described by the author could certainly have helped me address my ex's episodes more effectively and more proactively than gearing up for battle and, ultimately, walking away.
The advances in psychotherapies and even in medication (though no medications are specifically indicated for BPD) are helping many borderlines alleviate their symptoms, develop healthier relationships, achieve some degree of remission, and lead lives closer to normal, and show great hope for the future. And "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" discusses these quite thoroughly and optimistically.
As I progressed through this book, I often wondered what it would have been like had I stayed in the relationship with my ex, knowing about the various coping methods like SET-UP, and working through family therapy with her (my ex was seeing a therapist during the time we were together, but she told me it was for depression and anxiety, not BPD; I pieced together that she had BPD after the relationship ended). Maybe if I had been a little more patient, a little more firm at maintaining boundaries, and definitely a little more supportive and empathic, we may have been able to achieve a longstanding, happy relationship.
One last thing: if you're the type who stops reading the book at the last chapter and doesn't venture into reading the appendices of a book, you may want to break from that routine for this book. Appendix B provides a great discussion of how the borderline personality disorder diagnosis evolved. Definitely worth reading.
Whether you're a student of psychology, a practicing therapist, a borderline struggling to stop the pain, or a family member or relationship partner of a borderline, you will find "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," an informative, helpful resource in stopping the pain of this terrible disorder.
Top reviews from other countries
This book focuses on the extremes of this illness, which I accept is sadly representative of many people experiencing this illness, but is not representative of all. The way the book is written implies that all individuals with this condition present with the extreme examples of the symptoms inherent with BPD. This is 100% untrue.
This book reinforces stereotypes and stigma, and is misinformative for the lay person trying to learn more to help loved ones.
The term "the borderline" is used to identify the sufferers and is completely impersonal. I understand that "Individuals with BPD" would be a nightmare to use throughout a book but a little more thought into how the BPD community is referred to would have been nice.
If you want to learn more about this illness, there is much better information online.
If you're someone with BPD, take into consideration that some of the language used may be objectifying and impersonal - making you seem more like an object than a person. However, I felt it did a great job of making the symptoms feel valid and real, instead of just "pretending" like many therapists.
All in all, decent but nothing groundbreaking.
You cannot 'cure' a disease that doesn't exist. Instead, think about providing those that are 'different' with the contextual input we need...muppets.