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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Paperback – December 7, 2010
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"...a book that may save you a lot of time and wasted, misguided pain in dealing with a loved one (with Borderline Personality Disorder)."
"...a good resource for professionals and families, because it provides therapists with concrete ideas to incorporate both instruction and hope into their practice by providing patients and their families suggestions in simple, non-condescending language. It is by far the best book on the market on BPD."
-Anita Biase, strugglingteens.com
About the Author
Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, is a psychiatrist and leading expert on borderline personality disorder. He has written two books on the disorder: the bestselling I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me and Sometimes I Act Crazy. He contributes regularly for Psychology Today and is in private practice in St. Louis, Missouri.
Hal Straus is a professional health and medical writer who has penned five books, including the bestselling I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me (with Jerold J. Kreisman, MD), and has contributed numerous articles to Ladies’ Home Journal, Men’s Health, and Redbook.
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I walked on eggshells constantly, always either in combat during her rages or, feeling like her happier moments were merely cease-fires whose duration were always short and correctly anticipated to be so.
I ended the relationship, believing my ex to be an evil reptilian person who didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy."
But I also didn't know about the ways family and others in relationships with a borderline can cope with the borderline's behavior. The SET-UP technique described by the author could certainly have helped me address my ex's episodes more effectively and more proactively than gearing up for battle and, ultimately, walking away.
The advances in psychotherapies and even in medication (though no medications are specifically indicated for BPD) are helping many borderlines alleviate their symptoms, develop healthier relationships, achieve some degree of remission, and lead lives closer to normal, and show great hope for the future. And "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" discusses these quite thoroughly and optimistically.
As I progressed through this book, I often wondered what it would have been like had I stayed in the relationship with my ex, knowing about the various coping methods like SET-UP, and working through family therapy with her (my ex was seeing a therapist during the time we were together, but she told me it was for depression and anxiety, not BPD; I pieced together that she had BPD after the relationship ended). Maybe if I had been a little more patient, a little more firm at maintaining boundaries, and definitely a little more supportive and empathic, we may have been able to achieve a longstanding, happy relationship.
One last thing: if you're the type who stops reading the book at the last chapter and doesn't venture into reading the appendices of a book, you may want to break from that routine for this book. Appendix B provides a great discussion of how the borderline personality disorder diagnosis evolved. Definitely worth reading.
Whether you're a student of psychology, a practicing therapist, a borderline struggling to stop the pain, or a family member or relationship partner of a borderline, you will find "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," an informative, helpful resource in stopping the pain of this terrible disorder.
we are not evil people, nor are we narcissistic.
this book is perfect -to me- because they don't make BPD into a "walking on egg shells" issue. which it may be to some family and friends, but, i (most bpd) try to go over the top and beyond for others in a good way. we fear rejection and the most simple (to you) things such as eye movement at "wrong" (to me) time can mean rejection and fear, thus the wall falls and anger is my wall.
there is so much more detail to who we are, i am not the spokesman for BPD but speaking for myself there are so many things i wish i could do and/or change about who i am both within BPD and outside of it. i don't wish to be like this, and i think this book shows very well the reasons and gives amazing details and comparisons so non-BPD people can hopefully understand us a bit more.