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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful Paperback – November 24, 2010
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"I regularly provide copies of Linda's book to my clients who are facing this challenge. Unanimously they report, 'That [book] was very helpful.' "
-Earl D. Wilson, PhD., author Steering Clear, & Restoring the Fallen
"This is the most succinct collection of wisdom for helping the unfaithful that I have seen for couples trying to pick up the pieces of their lives after affairs."
-Lance Brown, M.A., Minister of Care, Chapel Hill Presbyterian
From the Inside Flap
"Shortly after my wife and family found out about my year-long affair, Linda's book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, came to me like a lifeline at the most confusing and shocking time of my life. I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage, and there had been very little information directed toward me to help me do my part. I found that the book, surprisingly, answered all of the questions that I had. I read it daily for weeks and followed it with full trust and blind faith.
"Some of the steps were incredibly difficult to go through, but every time they proved effective. All I can say now is that the path that the book put me on was God's path for me and the healing of my spouse. I am forever grateful for the insight that it has given me to climb out of the darkest days of my life into the greatest time of our marriage."
--Greg (former client, name changed to protect his privacy)
Top customer reviews
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It's a short read, I purchased the audible version and finished it in just over 2 hours.
Update one month later. My husband not only read it,but turned around and immediately read it a second time. We've read several books during our struggle to get beyond the affair and this is the one he (and I) feel is the most helpful in dealing with our day to day relationship. The book has made a big difference in how he approaches the issue and he says is the only thing he's read that truly helps him understand things from my perspective. This book cannot be recommended more strongly.
The author is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. After 22 years of counseling, she wrote this book to "identify certain behaviors on the part of unfaithful partners that tend to determine the success or failure of their efforts to save their marriages, post-affair" (p. 9).
These behaviors include:
-- Understanding the wrongness of his unfaithfulness
-- Understanding the depth of pain he has caused his spouse.
-- Three barriers to understanding the damage he has done.
-- How to remain resilient in spite of setbacks during recovery.
-- Being realistic about recovery taking time.
-- Respecting the betrayed spouse by allowing her to set the pace and type of healing needed, such as a temporary separation.
-- Telling the truth about one's unfaithfulness rather than waiting to be discovered.
-- Showing remorse and shame rather than defensiveness.
-- Breaking off all contact with the affair partner, including phone calls, texting, emails, and face-to-face.
-- How to end the affair.
-- Stumbling blocks to severing ties with the affair partner.
-- Undoing the damage from one's lies and rationalizations.
-- Accepting full responsibility for one's affair.
-- Being patient with the betrayed spouse's emotions and time needed to recover.
-- Being more sorry for the betrayed spouse's pain than for one's guilt of unfaithfulness.
-- Growing in expressing true empathy and heartfelt apologies.
-- Doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust.
-- Successfully responding to the betrayed spouse's "triggers".
-- Making amends with your children.
-- Changing your core character.
...but it was the truth hard straight forward no sugar added truth
...it stung it hurt bad
...but nothing compared to the hell i have seen the woman i betrayed go through
...i am humbled and ready for what is next thanks to this book
I would urge anyone involved with supporting the healing efforts of a couple to read and use this as a tool for clarifying what is(not) happening in the process.
For Faithful partners and Offenders this book gives tracks to move on (NOT a 12-Step program!) to make sense of what you are going through, and specifics to look for and talk about.