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He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (The Newly Expanded Edition) Hardcover – December 26, 2006
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About the Author
Comedian Greg Behrendt was a consultant for three consecutive seasons on Sex and the City. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, Comedy Central Presents..., The Tonight Show, Late Show with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter.
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I've had some push back from male friends who I explained this to and they said I can't base life off of a book written by people who can't know how EVERY single guy thinks, but the reality is that if the guy doesn't think the way I do about this--I don't want him!
On the same token, I've had some male friends who agreed that what's stated is true: if a man wants a woman, he goes and gets her!
If he is really that into you, you will know.
There will be no doubting or questioning.
This book just reaffirmed my inner voice that was telling me this kind of stuff but I always brushed aside in hopeless romantic style.
If you're not that into me--bye!
I spent a couple more years pursuing my interests and just being friends with guys...staying open. To my surprise I met an amazing new guy who has a busy job but always makes time for me. I met him doing what I love most ... dancing! We share the same interest. There are no games. He is thrilled to be with me. He is very good looking, very humorous, younger than me and we share the same values. He even lives near my extended family. He wants to spend his life with me and I want that too. I just reread Greg's advice. I think he is right on. Don't waste the pretty on guys that don't deserve you. I don't know if there is a guy out there for every woman ... But I would rather be alone than with a guy who is not that into me!
I read the book in a couple hours. For someone younger it might take 4-5 hours. I haven't rated the book five stars because it's a literary masterpiece, but because of its most important and clear message, with lots and lots of good examples.
The important message in this book is about how guys think and what they really mean when they say particular things.
I would have benefited from reading this book when I was younger, and if EVERY young woman read this book it would save many of them needless hours of heartache.
I will start with the fact that I feel that this book is not for or about everyone. In the book it even states that they are not describing all men. It does say that the men that this book is NOT about are in short supply. Whether that's true or not I don't see the point of getting upset if your a man and you read this book and find that it's not about you. Be glad. I don't feel like the book is making women think that if the men that want them they are going to aggressively push to be with them. The example stories are based on fictional people but the scenarios are still very real. The book is not saying that you, the non-aggressive man, are not really interested in any woman if you're not automatically making the move. It's telling women that if they are in that situation, the guy is not the one and isn't going to magically morph into the man that she needs or wants him to be.
It's not about every woman either. I feel the same as above. If you're a woman and read this book and didn't find your chapter and thought this was stupid and common sense, that's wonderful and I'm happy for you (seriously). Everyone has their dating issues but at least you're not going after guys that aren't really interested in you. That does not mean that those of us that have found our chapter(s) are stupid and lack common sense. There are many reasons women and men love the way and the people they do. We already feel bad when we read this because we're in this book and it confirms the fears we already had/have about our relationships but it also lifts us up because now we can't (or shouldn't) use the excuses that we did before. We can see ourselves walking into the traps that we've so willingly fallen before.
Before going on I'd like to mention that there are a few comments about the recently divorced man and how he would naturally need time to deal with his issues before being with someone new. I agree that in such a situation that is true. The situation in the book isn't simply the man got divorced and is trying to work through things. Scenario broken down in my own words: He knows you have feelings for him and he knows that he's not ready to be with someone new. Instead of explaining to you that he needs time and space, he treats you like the rebound that you are and sleeps with you. Repeatedly.
The book is not saying that he doesn't need to work things out. It's saying that when a man recognizes your feelings (if he's sleeping with you, he knows that you're into him) and is really into you, he's going to respect you by telling you he's not ready and definitely not using you as way to cure his lonely nights until he's healed and can move onto someone he's really into and won't want to put into a position that may end up leaving her hurt.
The further I read into the book I began to feel a bit smug because I saw both men and women I recognized and was happy that I'm not like them. I began to think that I was not the audience that this book is for and then I found it. If you're interested, my chapter is chapter 11. I trapped myself by making the excuse, "If you really love him, you will accept him as he is. Not how you want him to be." Maybe they did love me but they weren't in-love with me. Everyone is different but love is not selfish. If you really love someone you should not think or feel it's ok to hurt the other person. That goes both ways. This book really helped me because I find that when I have fallen for a guy and he's treating me like a chapter 11 guy would and tells me that my concerns are in my head and that I'm being too sensitive and being a baby, I would question myself. I'd let it mess with my head. He'd tell me he loves me and that he's not like other guys and I'm selfish to want him to act like someone else. I'd cave and become more compliant.
You may not care about my history but I'm going to share anyway. Recently I found myself in a three month Chapter 11 relationship. Because this relationship felt so similar to a relationship I had before I was always on the verge of breaking up with him. I hated it but I loved him and I kept telling myself that I would get him to listen to me and care that I was hurting. I ended up breaking up with him. Yes I wanted him to magically get a clue and tell me that he's in love with me and that he will change. The punch to the gut was that he asked me if I'd go out with him again. I never said I did but I allowed him to FaceTime me and he said that he wasn't really asking me to be with him again, he was just curious if I did want to. He said he knew that I wanted him to say that he would change but he knew that he wasn't going to and we'd just keep fighting about the same stuff. He still wanted me though and he felt so bad and would feel torn if he was in my position. If he was in my position he would beg for him back. Yeah he's a real winner. I didn't beg or ask him to be with me again but that didn't stop me from loving him. I still felt that if he really loved me that he wouldn't be doing this but I also kept thinking that he was probably right and I was being selfish. That's where this book comes into play. It's helped me take big strides toward moving on. Instead of confirming that previous relationship fears were right, it confirmed that my choice to end things and not beg him was the right thing for me.
Every scenario in this book the man knows the woman likes/wants him. This isn't a book about shy/non aggressive men wondering if the woman is into him before he makes his move. The women described in the book also know that the man they like/want knows they feel that way.
My ex-coworker said that no matter the relationship, whether romantic or platonic you must spoil each other. Both people should feel loved and respected and show love and respect to those they love.
I have this book five stars because it reminded me that I deserve to be loved the way that I love. It's not selfish to want that for myself.
I wasn't into the "Liz" sections but not enough to mark it down any stars and there were times when I thought the author's words regarding what men will do if they're really into you, were a bit extravagant but took it with a grain of salt. A man may go after you if he wants you but it's still important that he at least knows you like him too.