This book is easy to read and understand. It's well written and makes you want to come back to reading it.
Here's the dealio... Self-help books and professional therapy are not going to solve your problems. What they do is help you identify your problems so you can be more aware of them, and then you must change your behavior or act accordingly to avoid repeating the behavior that causes you pain. It's not easily done. That's like telling a smoker to quit smoking and their health gets better. Duh, but if you've never been addicting to nicotine, you have no idea how hard it is. It may also give you some tools, but YOU still need to change your own behavior willingly in order to overcome what ails you emotionally. And I'm not talking about people with serious issues that require medication; just what most of us are buying this book for, getting over a commitment-phobic cycle of relationships, whether your and active participant, passive or both.
In short, only you can solve your issues. The first big step is just seeing that you do indeed have an issue. So many of us wander around thinking we can't find real love because of the people we meet. They must be the ones with the issues. But you have to realize that you are the one picking your partners and ask yourself why? I still don't get how is it I seem to zero in on men that seem so great at first, and then turn out to have commitment issues. What red flags am I missing? Well, I think this book has taught me a few that I can be aware of now as I meet new men. Step one; check. I know I have a problem and I know what to look for to avoid getting involved with commitment-phobic men.
But what if you're in the midst or end of a relationship with a commitment-phobe, such as I am now? The denial is amazing... If we could just get past point B then we can be happy and move on to the next level. Seeing other people's stories and hearing the analysis and outcomes that are the same over and over, makes you realize YOU ARE in a commitment-phobic relationship. Because that's the big problem: You keep hoping that you're not with a commitment-phobe and that the next time you get back together, THIS TIME you will work it out. You want to keep giving your lover the benefit of the doubt every time he pulls away and comes back... You seem to be moving two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, then WHAM, 10 steps back. It's devastating. And if your partner refuses to believe he has issues, or that if he just found the right person, he wouldn't have conflicts and ambivalence, then it's hopeless. Time to move on. And like any addiction, that's easier said than done. When you decide to move on, the best piece of advice I read is to join AA. Yes, AA... They deal with addictions, and that is what this love is.
Reading this will help you learn more about yourself, if you're open to it. For me, I'm both a passive and active commitment-phobe. I've done the same things to other guys that my current boyfriend has done to me. So if I ever disentangle myself from him, I will approach new relationships differently now, and more honestly. I've also realized, thanks to this book, that I allow myself to get stuck in the mourning phase after a break up with him. So that when he returns 6 months later, I'm just so happy to alleviate the depression and pain I've been suffering that I take him back.
I also learned to recognize that my commitment-phobia isn't limited to men, it affects my relationships with friends and family too. I avoid committing to doing things until the last minute because, hey, what if something better comes up? And the result is missing out on doing a lot of things that would have been fun. So another piece of advice, start committing yourself to going places and doing things to help you get over your own commitment fears. And don't change your plans when that man calls! (that one is hard). It took me a month of waffling to finally decide on a cruise with friends. I know I'll have a great time and the price was great, so what was the problem? Simple, every time I was faced with having to book the reservation, I was overcome by anxiety and would back out. Is this rational? No. But the more I refuse to allow my anxiety to control me, I will feel less of that anxiety down the road.
That anxiety is exactly what my man feels when we get too close. And that's why he back out of the relationship, then misses me and comes back. It's a painful and destructive cycle. And each time he returns, I hope that he's accepted his issue and realized that he can overcome it by not allowing his anxiety to control him. I have a choice: I can end this. I don't have to put up with this. Reading this book and going to therapy isn't going to magically make me strong enough to do that. I have to find that strength inside me. I have to stop hoping it might work out, and reach a point where I accept it will never work out. But a book or therapist won't get me there... I have to get me there.
Good luck everyone!
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Top reviews from other countries
Anonymous
Really helped to understand my ex partner & get over breakup
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 18, 2023
Amazon Customer
Emotional reading ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 25, 2017hils
All you need to know within one book !
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 19, 2013
