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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Hardcover – February 1, 2011
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From the Inside Flap
The Best Book on Marriage Is Better Than Ever!
In this classic bestseller Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.
This revised and expanded edition has been updated throughout and includes new writing that highlights the special significance of intimate emotional needs in marriage.|Willard F. Harley, Jr., is a nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, a marriage counselor, and the bestselling author of numerous books, including Five Steps to Romantic Love, Love Busters, and His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. His popular website, www.marriagebuilders.com, offers practical solutions to almost any marital problem. Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, host a daily radio call-in show, Marriage Builders. They live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota.
From the Back Cover
What will it take to make your marriage sizzle?
Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the best marriage book available. More than any other, this book helps husbands and wives give each other what they need most in marriage.
The millions of couples who have read His Needs, Her Needs have learned to keep the romance alive, and they are recommending it to others. Join those who have seen spectacular changes in their marriages by following Dr. Harley's tried and proven counsel. You will discover that an outstanding marriage can be more than a dream--it can be your reality.
What couples are saying about His Needs, Her Needs:
"My new husband and I were having trouble adjusting to marriage. I read the book and immediately things began to improve."
"It is the best book on marriage I have ever read."
"I have recommended this book to every one of my friends. It should become a staple in every house."
"I can't believe how peaceful and loving our marriage has become since reading this book. We went from being at the brink of divorce to experiencing the same love and excitement as when we first met."
Millions have already discovered the power of this book. Isn't it time you did as well?
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Top Customer Reviews
The general feeling I personally got from this book is that if you are unable to meet all 5 emotional needs of your spouse, they will most likely have an affair. I don't believe that in any marriage you can perfectly meet all 5 emotional needs and there are times when a spouse might not be able to meet very many of them at all due to illness, mental illness, or other major life challenges that we might all eventually experience. I wish there was more information on what types of boundaries to maintain with members of the opposite sex in the workplace and elsewhere so that when things are rough in your own marriage (which everyone will experience) you can continue to stay true to your spouse and committed to them even when it's hard and even if it requires sacrifice. While this book gives some helpful information if you want to know what needs your spouse might have that you didn't think of before, it might cause some feelings of inadequacy and worry if you feel like you are trying your best but unable to meet so many different needs. The focus on affairs is so heavy and there's an example of one in every chapter, and some of them are somewhat extreme examples in my mind. I suppose that makes it entertaining. I really recommend "Love Languages" because it is much simpler and do-able and makes more sense to me.
Some of the recommendations in this book seem unrealistic and therefore are not helpful. He advocates for 15 hours of undivided attention to your spouse each week and while I agree that doing this would definitely strengthen your marriage there are times in our lives when that is not realistic or possible. He basically states that if your job prevents you from doing this then you need to get another job and that your priorities are out of order. That is easier said than done. I agree that our marriages & families should be highest priority but depending on your profession or number of children you have it would be more helpful to focus on what we can do to make the time we spend together very worthwhile and of good quality. I honestly believe you can have a strong marriage and meet your spouse's emotional needs if you do what you can to make the best of what you're able to give your spouse in your situation. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try for the 15 hours or make excuses. But there is a lack of any feelings of understanding, forgiveness, and tolerance in this book because the focus is on making sure our needs are being met. It is a difficult thing for most people to change so many things at once if they're not meeting very many of their spouses emotional needs. It seems doable to work on one emotional need at a time but again, based on his examples and what he states in the book, if you're not meeting all 5 then your spouse will be highly tempted to have an affair. That's just not helpful and encouraging. Even though that's what he has observed from his practice that might make someone feel defeated more than encouraged to try harder.
There are definitely more helpful encouraging books out there on marriage in my opinion.
The entire premise is that you need to safeguard your marriage from an affair. Harley argues that the best way to do this is for each spouse to meet the five essential needs of their partner. He also accurately points out the the top five needs of men are quite different from the top five needs of women. From the conflict my wife and I have had in the past I agree that the needs of husbands and wives are different and I would also agree with Harley's assessment of what the top five needs of women are. I'm not so sure his top five needs of men thesis is air tight.
Much of what he has to say is also based on his self-created premise of the idea of "Love Bank." He says that the reason people love each other is because throughout the course of dating and knowing each other they begin to meet some of each others needs, therefore making "deposits" into each others love bank. We then carry around a balance of love points for each other than are our main source in determining how we feel about our partner (or anyone else for that matter). I think there are things to learn from this theory but I do not believe it is as foundational or all-explaining as the author assumes. He makes the claim that even in long periods of absence our love banks for the most part remain at the balance they were when we were last with the other person. I don't think such is always the case.
The book's outline rotates between the needs of men and the needs of women with each chapter rotating between the two partners and addressing a specific need. Each chapter then ends with a set of questions addressed to the men, a set addressed to the women, and a set for the couple to answer together. This makes the book a great source to read with your partner. The book also has three appendixes with helpful resources such as an interests survey. This helped my wife and I identify some new activities we want to try together. I think he then goes a little to the extreme when he suggests a partner never participate in an activity in which their spouse does not also enjoy and would not participate with them.
A lot of the principles Harley gives are based off real experiences he has seen from counseling many troubled couples. Though he speaks of specific cases I think most married people could identify in part with many of these stories. He speaks with authority and care as well as being very level headed when discussing marital problems and affairs. The final chapters are a guide to dealing with an affair and though that is not my situation I will certainly keep the book on file for use if that situation should ever occur with someone I know.
I would recommend this book to pretty much every married couple as I think there are enough common issues dealt with that every couple can draw something from it.
Harley speaks in a straight-forward, logical manner about a subject which is usually driven by emotion. He makes it easily understandable and the included index provides valuable tools. It's easy for both husbands and wives to go through and has questions at the end of each chapter that spurs honest conversation.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
We purchased it for another couple as part of the premarital process but the seller failed to say there was writing in the book :-/
The book...Read more
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