I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books.
Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better.
This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work.
Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better.
The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:"
Accessibility (Can I reach you?);
Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); &
Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)
Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws.
I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it.
On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well.
I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson
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“Change your Mind and Heart For Life”
*I apologize for the long review in advance*As someone going through a difficult life changing event.And having the mentality that therapy is not for me or it’s just a waste of time. They don’t know what they’re talking about or every single excuse you could throw at it. I was that person, I don’t need therapy because this is just who I am.Well the irony of it all, I was dead wrong. And I’m sure a lot of people have had similar thoughts or experience.Until you are face to face with a very difficult situation. The breakup of the family unit.Long story short. A year and a half ago, I was that person. Since then that turning point of my life I’ve experienced therapist In the most rewarding way that changed my life for good. Emotionally focus therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy were just some of the things I’ve come to learn and love. Creating awareness and mindfulness were some of the key features that were missing from my life. I hope to reclaim my marriage through this new way of life or make some lucky lady happy one day. 😉I I highly recommend this book and also the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris & Bev Aisbett.
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