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Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (The Dr. Sue Johnson Collection, 1) Hardcover – April 8, 2008

by Dr. Sue Johnson EdD (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 5,838 ratings
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MORE THAN 1,000,000 COPIES SOLD!

Strengthen and deepen your relationships with revelatory practical exercises, seven profound conversations, and sage advice from “the best couple’s therapist in the world” (John Gottman, PhD, bestselling author)
 
Are you looking to enrich a healthy relationship, revitalize a tired one, or rescue one gone awry? We all want a lifetime of love, support, and companionship. But sometimes we need a little help.
 
Enter Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and “the most original contributor to couple’s therapy to come along in the last thirty years,” according to Dr. William J. Doherty, PhD. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson shares her groundbreaking and remarkably successful program for creating stronger, more secure relationships.
 
The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Dr. Johnson teaches that the way to enhance or save a relationship is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other and to reestablish emotional connection. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship and uses them as touch points for seven healing conversations, including:  
  • Recognizing the Demon Dialogues
  • Finding the Raw Spots
  • Revisiting a Rocky Moment
  • Forgiving Injuries
  • Keeping Your Love Alive
 These conversations give you insight into the defining moments in your relationship and guide you in reshaping these moments to create a secure and lasting bond.
 
Through stories from Dr. Johnson’s practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, you will learn how to nurture, protect, and grow your relationship, ensuring a lifetime of love.
 
 
 
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  1. Print length
    300 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Little, Brown Spark
  4. Publication date
    April 8, 2008
  5. Dimensions
    6.5 x 1.25 x 9.63 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    031611300X
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0316113007
  8. See all details
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Get to know this book

Previous page

  1. What's it about?

    This book is about strengthening and deepening relationships with practical exercises, profound conversations, and advice from a renowned couples therapist.

  2. Popular highlight

    When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.
    11,038 Kindle readers highlighted this

  3. Popular highlight

    The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.
    9,721 Kindle readers highlighted this
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From the Publisher

Dr. Sue Johnson is the best couple's therapist in the world. (John Gottman, PhD)

Quote 1

Boston Globe quote

Quote 3

Over one million copies sold.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"A much needed message to all couples and therapists and I recommend it to all."―Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Receiving Love

"At last, a road map through Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with its creator. Dr. Johnson's superb science, humor, and clinical wisdom are finally accessible to all of us. I couldn't pick a smarter, warmer, and more real guide for this journey."―John Gottman, Ph.D., bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and coauthor of And Baby Makes Three

"There's something appealing about this book's honest, no-holds-barred approach. By creating complete emotional safety and by willing to be fearless about it, it seems to me, not only can real love be kept alive, it can flourish"―Boston Globe

Sue Johnson [is] the most original contributor to couples therapy to come along in the last 30 years. This book will touch your heart, stimulate your mind, and give you practical strategies for improving your marriage. It will be an instant classic.―William J. Doherty, Ph.D., author of Take Back Your Marriage

Wonderful!...Hold Me Tight blends the best in research findings with practical suggestions from a caring and compassionate clinician. This fabulous book will be of great benefit...to couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other. Bravo!―Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., author of Parenting from the Inside Out

A truly revolutionary, breakthrough book... the most important, valuable book for couples published in the 21st century.―Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., author of Getting It Right the First Time

About the Author

Dr. Sue Johnson, a recipient of the Order of Canada, is an internationally recognized leader in the field of couple interventions. A clinical psychologist and Distinguished Research Professor at Alliant International University in San Diego and a professor at the University of Ottawa, Dr. Johnson is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and has trained thousands of therapists in North America and around the world. She is the author of numerous articles and books, including Love Sense and Created for Connection.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Little, Brown Spark; First Edition (April 8, 2008)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 300 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 031611300X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0316113007
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.5 x 1.25 x 9.63 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 5,838 ratings

About the author

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Sue Johnson

Sue Johnson

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Dr. Sue Johnson is an author, clinical psychologist, researcher, professor, popular presenter, speaker and a leading innovator in the field of psychotherapy and adult attachment. Sue is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 35 years of peer-reviewed clinical research.

Sue has received a variety of awards acknowledging her significant contributions to the field of psychology, including the Order of Canada and the 2022 Lifetime Achievement Award from Psychotherapy Networker.

Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (2008), written for the general public, is a self-help version of her ground-breaking research – how to enhance relationships, how to repair them and how to keep them. This best seller has sold over one million copies worldwide and has been translated into 30 languages.

Dr. Johnson’s best-known professional books include Attachment Theory in Practice: EFT with Individuals, Couples and Families (2019), A Primer for Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (2022) and The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection (3rd edition, 2020),

Her most recent book - Edgar and Elouise, Sagas 1&2 – is her first book of fiction and tells the story of a group of fascinating animals who learn to discover who they are, face fear and peril and come together to fight to save their world.

Sue lives in Victoria, BC, with her husband; sue adores Argentine tango and kayaking on Canada’s lakes and seas.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
5,838 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the book an easy, enjoyable read that provides understanding and a great approach to relationships. They also describe the romantic elements as wonderful and uplifting for couples and parents of teens. Customers praise the writing style as warm, confident, and practical. They find the perspective very eye-opening and secular. Readers also mention the book is very thorough and easy to put down.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

Select to learn more
ContentReading experienceReadabilityRomantic elementsWriting stylePerspectiveEffectivenessPurchase
281 customers mention "Content"262 positive19 negative

Customers find the book's content helpful and insightful. They say it provides great communication tools and real-life case studies that illustrate the concepts. Readers also describe the book as a wonderful resource for anyone in a relationship. They mention that the concepts are accurate and really work. They also say the book is a lifesaver and a great approach to relationships.

"...This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations...." Read more

"...She does a great job of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics,..." Read more

"...4. **Case Studies:** The book includes real-life case studies that illustrate how the principles and conversations outlined in the book have helped..." Read more

"Concepts are accurate and really work! I have my old husband back. Very eye opening." Read more

226 customers mention "Reading experience"226 positive0 negative

Customers find the book easy to put down and pick up again. They say the disk is about 9+ hours but worth the investment in time. However, some customers feel the book is not intellectual.

"...This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations...." Read more

"...One of the best and most important books I have read...." Read more

"This was a good read. It was easy to put down, but easy to pick up again. I would recommend this." Read more

"An excellent book that not only explains, but demonstrates how to identify and alter the destructive cycles so many relationships have...." Read more

146 customers mention "Readability"122 positive24 negative

Customers find the book easy to read, with examples and verbiage that are easily understood. They also say it's very thorough and helpful, with compassionate and empathetic writing. Readers also mention that the process of couple harmony is pretty simple, with practice questions that allow for conversation.

"...This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations...." Read more

"...of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics, examples of other..." Read more

"...3. **Compassionate and Accessible:** Dr. Johnson's writing is compassionate and empathetic...." Read more

"...to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight...." Read more

117 customers mention "Romantic elements"117 positive0 negative

Customers find the book a wonderful resource for couples and parents of teens. They also say it can help save any relationship and is a very realistic look at marriage and relationships.

"...of other couples to help show her point, and practical tips for improving your own relationship...." Read more

"...In conclusion, "Hold Me Tight" is a valuable resource for couples seeking to improve their emotional connection and strengthen their bond...." Read more

"This book is a relationship-saver. It is also a life-saver...." Read more

"Great book for couples that would like to improve their relationship. We found this helpful and I recommend it to every couple...." Read more

41 customers mention "Writing style"33 positive8 negative

Customers find the writing style warm, pulls them close on a heart and soul level, and offers a reassuring and accessible tone. They also say the author is clear in her presentation of supportive research and compassionate in her understanding of relationships. Readers also say it's touching, helpful, heart-warming, and practical.

"...we understand each other so much better, and our love feels deeper and stronger...." Read more

"...the complexities and vulnerabilities of human relationships and offers a reassuring and accessible tone that can put even the most distressed..." Read more

"...Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end...." Read more

"...It will open you up to a whole world of joy, confidence, and true strength." Read more

28 customers mention "Perspective"28 positive0 negative

Customers find the perspective in the book very eye opening, good, and beautiful. They also say it helps them open their eyes to many things in relationships. Readers also mention that the book provides a great look at why people need other people and a secular perspective.

"Concepts are accurate and really work! I have my old husband back. Very eye opening." Read more

"10/05/2021This books makes sense. It has opened my eyes and my mind to how I’m reacting towards my relationship and how I can redirect my..." Read more

"...It is an eye opening books, with practice questions, that allow for conversation starters to open up a productive dialogue about what each other..." Read more

"This book has been a real eye opener for me. I am halfway through reading it for a second time, and I could see myself going through it a third time...." Read more

24 customers mention "Effectiveness"24 positive0 negative

Customers find the book highly effective, powerful, and a powerful method that works in any relationship. They also say the theory is very practical and rings true for them. Customers also mention that the book hits home immediately, and the method resolves even very difficult cases in about 12 longish sessions.

"Concepts are accurate and really work! I have my old husband back. Very eye opening." Read more

"...Amazingly, her method resolves even very difficult cases in about 12 longish sessions...." Read more

"...once shared and find renewal, I would be willing bet the success rate is really high...." Read more

"...examples in this book are ones every couple can relate to and the exercises work...." Read more

22 customers mention "Purchase"22 positive0 negative

Customers find the book priceless.

"...it isn't the best written book but the ideas in this book are well worth the purchase...." Read more

"...therapy hour - making therapy faster, more effective, and therefore - cheaper!..." Read more

"...recommend that if you are checking reviews right now, then it is worth the money to buy this book and read it!" Read more

"...Inexpensive book. Valuable lessons!" Read more

“Change your Mind and Heart For Life”
5 out of 5 stars
“Change your Mind and Heart For Life”
*I apologize for the long review in advance*As someone going through a difficult life changing event.And having the mentality that therapy is not for me or it’s just a waste of time. They don’t know what they’re talking about or every single excuse you could throw at it. I was that person, I don’t need therapy because this is just who I am.Well the irony of it all, I was dead wrong. And I’m sure a lot of people have had similar thoughts or experience.Until you are face to face with a very difficult situation. The breakup of the family unit.Long story short. A year and a half ago, I was that person. Since then that turning point of my life I’ve experienced therapist In the most rewarding way that changed my life for good. Emotionally focus therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy were just some of the things I’ve come to learn and love. Creating awareness and mindfulness were some of the key features that were missing from my life. I hope to reclaim my marriage through this new way of life or make some lucky lady happy one day. 😉I I highly recommend this book and also the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris & Bev Aisbett.
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Top reviews from the United States

Water Dog
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazingly Insightful & Helpful Book regarding Couples
Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2014
Verified Purchase
I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books.

Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better.

This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work.

Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better.

The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:"
Accessibility (Can I reach you?);
Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); &
Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)

Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws.

I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it.

On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well.

I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson
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lionsbreath019
5.0 out of 5 stars Innovative, deep, and practical tips for improving your relationship!
Reviewed in the United States on July 12, 2018
Verified Purchase
I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to improve their relationship, especially for those who feel caught in cycles of fighting that seem irreparable. Johnson has research-approved strategies for understanding yourself and your partner and re-establishing a loving and secure connection. She does a great job of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics, examples of other couples to help show her point, and practical tips for improving your own relationship. The book includes a lot of questions and activities for couples to work through together, which have been instrumental in helping my partner and I reconnect and mend rifts.

I have a background in psychology and spend a lot of time trying to understand myself and my relationships, so many relationship books have felt too elementary and basic for me. Johnson notes that most relationship advice focuses on communication - how to construct your words perfectly to avoid ruffling feathers - which does little to resolve underlying issues. Research on traditional couples therapy also shows pretty abysmal results. In contrast, Johnson's method, which was revolutionary at the time, focuses instead on your feelings of connection, safety, and trust. It doesn't matter exactly how you frame things if you feel safe and loved by your partner. Her method is backed by research - there are some pretty astounding numbers showing that her method works to improve relationships!

My personal experience backs these statistics - my partner and I are fighting less, we have a stronger foundation, we understand each other so much better, and our love feels deeper and stronger. When we do feel a bit stuck, we turn to the book and Johnson offers us a way out. Instead of ending arguments feeling bitter, disconnected, and resentful, we wind up feeling more connected and loving. Thank you Sue Johnson!
21 people found this helpful
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Daliah
5.0 out of 5 stars Compassionate, gentle, solution-based. A relationship and life saver. From a layperson in the process of self-recovery..
Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2014
Verified Purchase
This book is a relationship-saver. It is also a life-saver. There are so many people who operate from the perspective of the child, and Sue Johnson explains how a relationship can heal the past in the present. With my sweetheart, I can work out all of the pains and traumas that happened to me as a child, which show up now in my relationship with him. With gentleness and patience, and letting go of winning who is right and who is wrong, but instead learning to negotiate with love, the pain from childhood which is still in my body and unconscious today, I am healed, and so is my sweetheart. If both people in the relationship practice this, the relationship will continue to blossom and reach new levels. It is a rule-of-thumb filter guide to help me wherever I get lost in my relationship, and I can with a signal from him or even one that comes to me on its own from within me, remember, that I am having a moment of fear or insecurity, and that I can bring in the awareness, and he and I can help each other to get through those kinks and traps and even release them and grow as we do. One of the best and most important books I have read. Especially since my relationship and well-being for the both of us together and individually is the most important thing in my life. I do believe one person can start this seeing the child in their partner, and things can evolve that way, too. Thank you!
6 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Alejandro
3.0 out of 5 stars Printing error
Reviewed in Mexico on April 5, 2023
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I ordered but I didn’t check de whole book and when I got there appeared this :( . I hope you don’t get the same
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Alejandro
3.0 out of 5 stars Printing error
Reviewed in Mexico on April 5, 2023
I ordered but I didn’t check de whole book and when I got there appeared this :( . I hope you don’t get the same
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Andrew
5.0 out of 5 stars Well written and easy to read - very eye opening
Reviewed in Canada on December 22, 2022
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It's incredible. I am not much of a book reader as I find it hard to put my mind/body in the right environment to consume a book. With my relationship on ropes, I remembered someone sharing this with me and I really wish I read it sooner. Many of the examples laid out in this book have helped me further understand the areas we need to work in or how/why i acted or reacted in most/all situations (and the same goes for my wife and how she acted/reacted).
4 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars 😀
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 24, 2023
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Super
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bookworm
3.0 out of 5 stars Very good book. But...
Reviewed in Germany on February 2, 2014
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The book is really excellent. But listening to it on the CD, was not such a great experience. Very poorly edited, feels like it is read by a computer. I am looking forwards to read it.
2 people found this helpful
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Mr VW
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in Canada on July 14, 2023
Verified Purchase
Read it, there is a lot of good information in this book. Enjoy
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