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Tina B. Tessina
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Riley K Smith MA
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How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free Paperback – January 1, 2002

by Tina B. Tessina (Author), Riley K. Smith (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars 23 ratings
Studies have shown that couples who have the tools to negotiate and cooperate are more able to create lasting, loving partnerships allowing each member of the partnership to be free. This thoroughly revised and expanded edition is written as a manual and shows couples how to replace cooperation with compromise or competition. It includes many step-by-step instructions and guidelines, and introduces the "negotiation tree", a tool that can help any couple turn a struggle or fight into a cooperative problem-solving session.

The book is designed especially for people who seek a model for equal partnership, and couples who want to transform struggle into teamwork. It works for couples who are married, cohabiting, or dating-in a traditional or alternative relationship.

This is a tool for designing and creating a relationship unique to your individual personalities and situation to create a loving, sustainable, healthy, and equal partnership

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  1. Print length
    256 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    New Page Books
  4. Publication date
    January 1, 2002
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1564145492
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1564145499
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How to Be A Couple & Still Be Free
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The Amazon Book Review
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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Transform your unsatisfying relationship into a "loving, sustainable, healthy partnership between equals." Licensed marriage and family counselors Tina Tessina and Riley Smith show you how in this guidebook for couples of all stripes (straight and gay, married and unmarried, monogamous and open). The goal is to become a "free couple"--expressing love easily; respecting each other; sharing equal power in the relationship; expressing desires, needs, and satisfactions; and resolving problems cooperatively.

Tessina and Smith walk you through the five steps of "cooperative problem solving" using the clear, sequential instructions of the "negotiation tree." Each step is detailed in its own chapter, with highly structured techniques, frequent anecdotes, and sample dialogues clarifying the concepts and strategies. "Rather than fight, you work together; rather than feeling deprived, you both feel fulfilled," write the authors. "Rather than being defeated, you experience success; rather than restricting yourselves, you are each free to be yourself."

This book is like taking a couples workshop from two skilled, warm, and articulate therapists. Recommended for couples who are frustrated by getting stuck in conflicts and are willing to learn structured guidelines for cooperative problem-solving. --Joan Price

From the Back Cover

"Being a couple yet free is our next challenge on the evolutionary ladder. This book successfully helps us unravel the myths that block that achievement. It does so with warmth, readability, and balance. It recreates everyday problems and paints the path to their solution." Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of Why Men Are the Way They Are. For over two decades, this book has been recognized as the established handbook on relationships between equals. It introduced the concept: cooperation instead of compromise or competition. It gives clear instructions to show you how to be true to yourself and true to your partner at the same time. Thoroughly revised and expanded, this new edition is written as a manual and includes fresh and new step-by-step instructions and guidelines to create a mutually supportive partnership allowing each individual to be equal in a relationship. It introduces the Negotiation Tree, an ingenious tool that can help any couple turn a struggle or fight into a cooperative problem-solving session. The book is designed especially for:

- People who seek a model for equal partnership.

- Couples who want to transform struggle into teamwork.

- Couples who are married, cohabiting, or dating.

- Couples who are in a traditional or alternative relationship. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free is the perfect tool for designing and creating a relationship unique to your individual personalities and situation. With it, any couple can learn to work together to create a loving, sustainable, healthy, and equal partnership that you will treasure.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ New Page Books
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ January 1, 2002
  • Edition ‏ : ‎ 3rd
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1564145492
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1564145499
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 0.035 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.75 x 8.75 inches
  • Best Sellers Rank: #4,443,027 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 out of 5 stars 23 ratings

About the authors

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  1. Tina B. Tessina

    Tina B. Tessina

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (www.tinatessina.com) is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 15 books in 17 languages, including Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today; It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Ten Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make After Forty; Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, The Real 13th Step , How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together and How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog (drromance.typepad.com), and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts. She tweets @tinatessina

    Connect with Dr. Tessina online:

    http://www.tinatessina.com

    Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com

    Twitter.com/tinatessina

    Facebook.com/TinaTessina

    https://www.facebook.com/DrRomanceBlog

    See more on the author's page
  2. Riley K Smith MA

    Riley K Smith MA

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Riley K. Smith, MA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Mar Vista/West Los Angeles. Since 1976, he has worked with adult couples and individuals, helping with anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, addictions, relationship problems and adult survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse.

    Mr. Smith teaches his clients mental-health tools, focusing on root causes – usually attachment injuries and the residual effects of early childhood trauma.

    As clinical director of an outpatient drug treatment program he began training therapists in 1996 and in 2002 joined the faculty at the Integrative Body Psychotherapy (IBP) Central Institute in Venice, California. Mr. Smith currently supervises and train therapists at Southern California Counseling Center in Los Angeles.

    Mr. Smith is co-author of “How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free”, a problem-solving manual for couples, Fumbled Book Press, 2018 and “TRUE PARTNERS, a workbook for building a lasting intimate relationship”, Tarcher/Perigee, 1993

    He is a member of CAMFT, AAMFT and United States Assoc. of Body Psychotherapists.

    Mr. Smith posts articles on his website at www.rileysbubble.com

    Email at riley@rileysbubble.com

    See more on the author's page
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Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
23 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

  • sfjohn
    5.0 out of 5 stars THE book to read for adults who want to be in a healthy relationship with another person.
    Reviewed in the United States on May 4, 2018
    Verified Purchase
    Growing up with an alcoholic violent father & abused mother, when I reached adulthood I realized I didn’t have a clue how two adults could live together in a mutually supportive and healthy relationship. Movies and TV were of no help. After reading this book I finally had a wonderful picture, and idea of how that could happen in the real world. All my long time partners have read it, and I’ve given it as a gift to friends who were struggling in a relationship, or trying to find one. I’ve been blissfully married for years now and our love for one another grows as we continue to change and grow.
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Andrea
    4.0 out of 5 stars good read
    Reviewed in the United States on November 8, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    The book is interactive and interesting.... The examples given were thoroughly explained and gave examples of positive communication skills, which allowed the reader to use new verbal tools
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Ameenah Muhammad
    5.0 out of 5 stars This book is one everyone should have in their library ...
    Reviewed in the United States on November 22, 2016
    Verified Purchase
    This book is one everyone should have in their library. I don't know how I made it without it.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Lara Willing
    5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
    Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2017
    Verified Purchase
    Very useful and easy to read with lots of examples!
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  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
    Reviewed in the United States on March 4, 2016
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Great read
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  • Amazon Customer
    4.0 out of 5 stars You, me, and everyone we know.
    Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2017
    Format: Kindle
    As with all other conflict settings in life, communication and the desire to find a meeting point of mutual interests and understanding are the keys to a successful partnership and/or marriage. Tina Tessina and Riley Smith's book "How to be a couple and still be free" provides some helpful tips on how to be a couple and still maintain one's individuality. Moreover, it is the authors' position that traditional roles of how men and women ought to act and behave no longer hold true in today's global, rapidly changing world. Partners no longer need to "restrict themselves to fit a cultural mold" for if we "must distrust and deny [ourselves] in order to be acceptable to others, then [our] happiness is as restricted as [we are]."
    Instead, the authors encourage us "to be a scientist and to examine our behaviors and conditions as if we were making a scientific study" - only if we know ourselves and create the life we want, can we be honest about our wants, needs and expectations in a partnership and/or marriage. Being free means having options: "Discovering the rules for how [we] ought to be, discovering who [we are] and separating them so that [we] know the difference."
    The authors, who have been married to each other for decades, speak from the heart and show that problem-solving does not have to be a task to dread. Sometimes it does help to have a pillow fight to let off some steam. . .
    One person found this helpful
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  • Livinginthealohastate
    5.0 out of 5 stars Finally Be Free
    Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2017
    Format: Kindle
    I think the thing I liked most about this book was that it recognized people should be free to be who they are, which doesn't mean being mean or rude, but rather to understand what it is that makes them happy and expecting that those who care about them should respect that. Be considerate of others, but first be considerate to yourself. Without the latter, it is impossible to truly be the former. If you're partner respects you, they will not try to change you, but instead provide a scaffold so that you can be free to become the better person based on your own timing and motivations.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Kindle Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Held me together and got me honest
    Reviewed in the United States on January 29, 2000
    I found this book after making a terrible mistake in my marriage. The next day. I read it in a couple of hours, and the ideas helped me keep my marriage together and healthier for two more years. I cry a bit every time I read the introductions. I try to give this book to every person I want to spend time with. And also those entering into a new relationship.
    I reccomend it highly for teenagers, new lovers, old lovers, just about everybody.
    Dave
    Followup to the new 3rd Edition, released Early 2002
    Sigh;
    The new edition really wants a new title. Part 2 of 2. Something to let people know that it really looks different. Missing all my favourite bits. Still a fine book, but definitely not the first book I would give to people. The 1st and 2nd editions are essential to appreciating the 3rd in my opinion.
    I have been buying copies of earlier editions to give out to friends. Third edition in reserve for later dispersal.
    David
    23 people found this helpful
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