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How to Forgive When You Can't:: The Breakthrough Guide to Free Your Heart & Mind ** Recipient of 4 National Awards. Paperback – April 23, 2012

4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 15 ratings

Recipient of 4 National Awards **Winner - Living Now 2010 Book Award ** Finalist - Book of the Year Award in Self-Help - Foreword Review Magazine ** Winner - 2011 Global E-book Award in Psychology/Mental Health ** Finalist - 2010 Indie Book Award in Self-Help 2010
The person you are hurting most by holding on to your resentment and anger is yourself. Unforgiven offenses eat at you, whether you know it or not, infusing your life with a bitterness that prevents you from finding peace. Essentially, refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Forgiveness is a process, not a set of words or a simple decision.
How to Forgive When You Can't will help you move past your anger, resentment and grudges to have peace of mind. Through clear-cut strategies and compassion-inspiring stories, Dr. Dincalci gives plenty of effective methods to release hurts and upsets for good - even those that seem unforgivable.

This book lays out how to get past the social taboos, emotional defenses and brain mechanisms that keep a person from forgiving. It provides a proven, powerful process that can help heal a lifetime of self-blame, resentment, regret, grudges and guilt. It addresses attaining self-forgiveness and dealing with heavy trauma, tragedy and abuse.

The author provides extensive references to research, case studies, brain studies, and how to maintain gains made.

This book can also be used as a guide to help assist others to forgive. Mental health, religious, legal and medical professionals will find it quite useful as a guide to help people cope with very difficult problems.

How to Forgive When You Can't will help you move past your anger and resentment. Through clear-cut strategies and compassion-inspiring stories, Dr. Dincalci teaches you the techniques that will enable you to work through your upsets and have peace of mind. He provides proven, powerful methods that will help you get rid of your hurts for good - even those that seem unforgivable.

This book lays out how a person can get past the social taboos, lies and brain mechanisms that keep a person from being willing to forgive. In it, he gives a effective sequence of ways that can help heal a lifetime of blame, resentment, grudges, regret, guilt, and self-blame. It deals not only with heavy trauma, tragedy and abuse, but also attaining self-forgiveness.

You will learn:
1- The Eight Essentials and Seven Secrets for dealing with upsets.
2- Which of the 27 powerful forgiveness techniques is best for you.
3- What all trauma survivors and their family members need to know.
4- How to calm the brain mechanisms that prevent forgiving.
5- How to get past the more than 13 blocks to forgiving.
6- The 11 overlooked aids in empowering yourself to forgive.
7- The three best strategies for managing difficult situations.
8- How to get out of the cycle of victimhood and guilt.

Editorial Reviews

Review

This is an outstanding book. What an invaluable and needed book for our times. - Angeles Arrien, PhD, Anthropologist/Author/Teacher

This book has set me free! I knew something was wrong, but I could not figure it out. I was able to identify why I felt inferiority and rejection and let them go. LeVonder Brinkley, PhD, Author/Speaker

It was easy to release upsets that I never really felt I could deal with. Dr. Dincalci covers an extensive list of forgiveness techniques, providing the tools to tackle any upset that may be currently weighing you down! - Eric F. Donaldson, PhD, University Researcher

I've experienced deep healing by forgiving others and myself. The Forgiveness Process in this book has been profound. It was the missing piece to my healing. - S. Baker, MA, Counselor

The reading is infused with evocative and inspiring quotations which enrich and sustain the reader's focus throughout. This book is best viewed as a reference to return to again and again as one attempts to pursue the forgiveness process thoroughly. - Nicholas Morano, Ph.D., ABBP, Diplomate-Clinical Psych.

From the Author

After 15 years of development, the stages and phases of forgiving have been successfully mapped out to make forgiveness permanent--No more continual attempts at forgiving. This book carries you through to forgiving as you read and do the short exercises.

Remember, the person you are hurting most by holding on to your resentment and anger is yourself. Unforgiven offenses eat at you, whether you know it or not, infusing your life with a bitterness that prevents you from finding peace. Essentially, refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I have included special sections in the book dealing with trauma,  abuse,  emotional stress,  and  self-forgiveness to help with all types of forgiving.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ruah Press; 2nd edition (April 23, 2012)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 290 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 098243071X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0982430712
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.66 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 15 ratings

About the author

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Jim Dincalci
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“The more I do this forgiveness work, the more I continue to be astounded at the power of forgiveness to heal all avenues of life - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. When people forgive, their lives become richer, healthier, happier and certainly filled with more love and peace.” - Dr. Jim

In 1993, Dr. Jim Dincalci had a deep personal forgiveness transformation which pulled him out of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder he had for over 16 years. Since then, as a Child & Family Therapist, university instructor and founder of the Forgiveness Foundation International, he has been developing methods to help people forgive and has taught these from coast to coast in the USA and internationally in universities, schools, hospitals, businesses, agencies, conferences, public seminars and churches.

He frequently speaks and teaches on dealing with betrayal, self-forgiveness, conflict resolution, stress reduction, with forgiveness, which are all integrated into his workshops and books. His MA is in Counseling Psychology 1986 and Doctorates are in Religious Studies and Divinity 2006.

His book, How to Forgive When You Can't: The Breakthrough Guide to Free Your Heart and Mind, is published in 9 languages. It is the the winner of the Living Now Book Award in Personal Growth; winner of the Global eBook Awards in psychology/Mental Health; a finalist in the Indie Book Awards - Self-Help; and finalist in the esteemed Foreword Review Magazine Book of the Year Award in Self-Help. It integrates research in Forgiveness Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Neuroscience, and his 50 years of studying world religions and their time-proven practices, including cross-cultural healing ways, i.e. prayers and meditations, and inspirational viewpoints, which all aid in forgiving.

These methods helped him in his own forgiveness transformation in 1993. That transformation and his forgiveness work with others has encouraged him to become a very strong advocate for the development of an effective forgiveness therapy and training. His books and organization are the result of that work. He is the founder and CEO of The Forgiveness Foundation, a 501(c)(3) non profit charity, since 2002, whose objective is: Increasing good-will, kindness, and peace all over the world.

From the 1960's to the early 90, he worked in traditional and alternative health, and pastoral counseling. He trained intensively with anthropologists in cross-cultural healing for over ten years. From 1984 to 1991, he taught graduate and undergraduate courses in cross-cultural healing & spiritual perspectives at John F. Kennedy University, Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, and California Institute of Integral Studies, all in the San Francisco Bay Area.

His professional counseling experience besides his private practice include being a Clinical Therapist with the Hawaii Department Education, three years of facilitating domestic violence and anger control groups for court-ordered men and for teens in prison, and running regular group counseling at a local drug and alcohol recovery center. He is trained as a police, fire, and emergency medical chaplain, and worked as a volunteer Law Enforcement Chaplain in Sonoma County, California.

In 2017, he presented at The World Peace Conference in Ann Arbor, MI. His professional conference presentations include: the Assoc. of Transpersonal Psychology in 1986-89, the Campaign for Forgiveness Research 2003, Florida Hospice & Palliative Care Assoc. 2017, FL Council on Crime & Delinquency-Criminal Justice 2016, and Keynote speaker twice at the Wholistic Women’s Empowerment Experience in Durham, NC 2010 & 11.

Internationally, he has given seminars and workshops at Cayetano Herrera University Medical School in Lima, Peru, The Stress and Anxiety Research Society 37th Annual Conference 2016 in Zagreb, Croatia, and the International Congress of Psychology 2016 in Yokohama, Japan.

In California, he was an Assistant Professor in the Mediation and Conflict Resolution Program at Sonoma State University for several years. He taught semester courses John F Kennedy Univ. along with several other colleges and universities and then at Duke University – Durham, NC, and in Tallahassee - Florida State University and Florida A&M University.

His counseling experience besides his private practice include being a Clinical Therapist with the Hawaii Department Education. He has three years of experience as a facilitator in domestic violence and anger control groups for court-ordered men and for teens in prison; has run regular group counseling at a local drug and alcohol recovery center. He is trained as a police, fire, and emergency medical chaplain, and worked as a volunteer Law Enforcement Chaplain in Sonoma County, California.

He is an officer in his Rotary Club and a member of the Executive Committee of Big Bend Coalition Against Human Trafficking, a Tallahassee regional organization. His hobbies are photography, travel, and woodwork; and was a meditation instructor for 8 years.

Customer reviews

4.1 out of 5 stars
15 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on July 27, 2011
How to Forgive When You Can't by Dr. Jim Dincalci is an absolutely wonderful book. Dr. Dincalci gives the reader many strategies for getting past past hurts, resentful feelings, and long-held anger, all of which interfere with your ability to live your life to the fullest. This book is important. People don't realize just how much damage holding on to resentment, hate, and anger can do to their lives. This books spells that out for you and shows you exactly what to do about it. In this book you will learn:

1) 27 Powerful forgiveness techniques
2) Ways to move past sticking points which prevent you from forgiving others
3) What the blocks to forgiveness are
4) Secrets that help you be successful in the forgiveness process
5) What forgiveness actually is (it may not be what you think)
6) A step by step process to forgive even the worse offenses
7) The effects that holding on to resentment and anger have on your health and your life (scientifically proven!)

Dr. Dincalci also provides many testimonials for each technique, along with a very useful appendix. I personally think that this book should be required reading for every student in our country. If our kids were taught the information in this book at an early age, it would transform our country. Yes, this book is that powerful. This is the book that you want to read as soon as possible! It is not some boring, dry self-help book either; it is engaging from start to finish. I cannot recommend this book highly enough!! Get it, read it, and put it to work in your life!! It will change your life if you use the techniques that Dr. Dincalci teaches! GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!!! 5 STARS +++

Dr. Bohdi Sanders, author of the award winning Wisdom of the Elders
5 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2014
This book has a TON of information and help regarding forgiveness, but it is very dense. There is a lot of info to take in. It is not a light read, but good information.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2014
interesting
Reviewed in the United States on December 29, 2012
A truly helpful book necessary in today's dog eat dog state of world. After reading and working on the teachings of this book, I have been able to forgive people who did me a great deal of harm. I was able to do it thoroughly, deeply and completely.
I feel like a great burden has rolled off me. I feel lighter in heart and spirit. My physical health has improved.This is a book that can help liberate one from heavy psychological burdens. But this book can really help only if there is a desire to forgive on the part of the person reading this book.
I am really glad I bought this book. This will form one the heritage that I shall pass on to my son because forgiveness is so essential for life.
8 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on August 1, 2013
I had a painful situation I was having trouble letting go of despite professional help and a strong desire to move on. I ordered the book on a whim and am glad that I did. The book requires its readers to honestly and directly confront each specific hurt, or element of a hurt, process it, and let it go. It's hard work, something I was not ready for right after my trauma. It can apply to major life events, or petty things we hang on to. Any world view or beleifs about a higher power are acommodated. I found it theraputic.
Reviewed in the United States on October 4, 2013
This book really makes you think about what you are holding inside that should be let go, and also the benefits of doing so. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, letting go of your hate can make a huge difference in the way you feel and see things in life.
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on November 26, 2014
good
Reviewed in the United States on February 19, 2016
The first real primer on how the process works!

Top reviews from other countries

Frances
3.0 out of 5 stars Three Stars
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 17, 2018
Interesting.
Amanda Wisniewski
2.0 out of 5 stars Needed someone to edit
Reviewed in Canada on January 19, 2014
I admire that there is a product out there that summarizes all of the techniques (that we know of) on the rare topic of forgiving. However, it was very difficult to get past the repetitive nature of the writing style and having simple things like spelling and grammar not be checked over before publication. There were a few examples where either the train of thought shifted from one topic to another, or else the thoughts were very incomplete. A different approach to organization would have made the book more coherent and the reader could have skipped from an unnecessary topic to something more relevant. Personally, I'd prefer not to have the idea of "snake brain" creep up over and over again in every chapter since that topic should have been in a chapter by itself. I understand that he was trying to simplify a rather complicated explanation of the emotional functions of the brain, but that could have been done quite differently.