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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series) Paperback – February 7, 2012
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From #1 New York Times bestselling authors, the ultimate “parenting bible” (The Boston Globe)—a timeless, beloved book on how to effectively communicate with your child.
This bestselling classic by internationally acclaimed experts on communication between parents and children includes fresh insights and suggestions, as well as the author’s time-tested methods to solve common problems and build foundations for lasting relationships, including innovative ways to:
· Cope with your child’s negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment
· Express your strong feelings without being hurtful
· Engage your child’s willing cooperation
· Set firm limits and maintain goodwill
· Use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline
· Understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise
· Resolve family conflicts peacefully
Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, Faber and Mazlish’s down-to-earth, respectful approach makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
- Print length384 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherScribner
- Publication dateFebruary 7, 2012
- Dimensions5.5 x 1 x 8.44 inches
- ISBN-109781451663884
- ISBN-13978-1451663884
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From the Publisher
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen
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How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen
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| Customer Reviews |
4.7 out of 5 stars 9,998
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4.7 out of 5 stars 346
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| Price | $11.49$11.49 | $13.61$13.61 |
| More books in the bestselling How to Talk parenting series | A must-have guide for anyone who lives or works with young kids, with an introduction by Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk | From tantrums to technology to talking to kids about tough topics, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen offers concrete strategies for these and many more difficult situations. |
Editorial Reviews
Review
—Lydia Kiesling, The New York Times
“Will bring about more cooperation from children than all the yelling and pleading in the world.” –Christian Science Monitor
“An excellent book that’s applicable to any relationship.” –Washington Post
“Practical, sensible, lucid…the approaches Faber and Mazlish lay out are so logical you wonder why you read them with such a burst of discovery.” –Family Journal
“An exceptional work, not simply just another ‘how to’ book…All parents can use these methods to improve the everyday quality of t heir relationships with their children.” –Fort Worth Star Telegram
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
PART I
I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.
Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, “Today is going to be different,” and every morning was a variation of the one before: “You gave her more than me!” . . . “That’s the pink cup. I want the blue cup.” . . . “This oatmeal looks like throw-up.” . . . “He punched me.” . . . “I never touched him!” . . . “I won’t go to my room. You’re not the boss over me!”
They finally wore me down. And though it was the last thing I ever dreamed I’d be doing, I joined a parent group. The group met at a local child-guidance center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott.
The meeting was intriguing. The subject was “children’s feelings,” and the two hours sped by. I came home with a head spinning with new thoughts and a notebook full of undigested ideas:
Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.
When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.
How do we help them to feel right?
By accepting their feelings!
Problem—Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings. For example:
“You don’t really feel that way.”
“You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”
“There’s no reason to be so upset.”
Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are—not to trust them.
After the session I remember thinking, “Maybe other parents do that. I don’t.” Then I started listening to myself. Here are some sample conversations from my home—just from a single day.
CHILD:Mommy, I’m tired.ME:You couldn’t be tired. You just napped.CHILD:(louder) But I’m tired.ME:You’re not tired. You’re just a little sleepy. Let’s get dressed.CHILD:(wailing) No, I’m tired!CHILD:Mommy, it’s hot in here.ME:It’s cold. Keep your sweater on.CHILD:No, I’m hot.ME:I said, “Keep your sweater on!”CHILD:No, I’m hot.CHILD:That TV show was boring.ME:No, it wasn’t. It was very interesting.CHILD:It was stupid.ME:It was educational.CHILD:It stunk.ME:Don’t talk that way!
Can you see what was happening? Not only were all our conversations turning into arguments, I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions but to rely on mine instead.
Once I was aware of what I was doing, I was determined to change. But I wasn’t sure how to go about it. What finally helped me most was actually putting myself in my children’s shoes. I asked myself, “Suppose I were a child who was tired, or hot or bored? And suppose I wanted that all-important grown-up in my life to know what I was feeling . . . ?”
Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally. I wasn’t just using a technique. I really meant it when I said, “So you’re still feeling tired—even though you just napped.” Or “I’m cold, but for you it’s hot in here.” Or “I can see you didn’t care much for that show.” After all, we were two separate people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. Neither of us was right or wrong. We each felt what we felt.
For a while, my new skill was a big help. There was a noticeable reduction in the number of arguments between the children and me. Then one day my daughter announced, “I hate Grandma,” and it was my mother she was talking about. I never hesitated for a second. “That is a terrible thing to say,” I snapped. “You know you don’t mean it. I don’t ever want to hear that coming out of your mouth again.”
That little exchange taught me something else about myself. I could be very accepting about most of the feelings the children had, but let one of them tell me something that made me angry or anxious and I’d instantly revert to my old way.
I’ve since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. On the following page you’ll find examples of other statements children make that often lead to an automatic denial from their parents. Please read each statement and jot down what you think a parent might say if he were denying his child’s feelings.
I. CHILD: I don’t like the new baby.
PARENT: (denying the feeling)
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
II. CHILD: I had a dumb birthday party. (After you went “all out” to make it a wonderful day.)
PARENT: (denying the feeling)
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
III. CHILD: I’m not wearing this stupid retainer anymore. It hurts. I don’t care what the orthodontist says!
PARENT: (denying the feeling)
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
IV. CHILD: I hate that new coach! Just because I was one minute late he kicked me off the team.
PARENT: (denying the feeling)
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Did you find yourself writing things like:
“That’s not so. I know in your heart you really love the baby.”
“What are you talking about? You had a wonderful party—ice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Well, that’s the last party you’ll ever have!”
“Your retainer can’t hurt that much. After all the money we’ve invested in your mouth, you’ll wear that thing whether you like it or not!”
“You have no right to be mad at the coach. It’s your fault. You should have been on time.”
Somehow this kind of talk comes easily to many of us. But how do children feel when they hear it? In order to get a sense of what it’s like to have one’s feelings dismissed, try the following exercise:
Imagine that you’re at work. Your employer asks you to do an extra job for him. He wants it ready by the end of the day. You mean to take care of it immediately, but because of a series of emergencies that come up you completely forget. Things are so hectic, you barely have time for your own lunch.
As you and a few coworkers are getting ready to go home, your boss comes over to you and asks for the finished piece of work. Quickly you try to explain how unusually busy you were today.
He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he shouts, “I’m not interested in your excuses! What the hell do you think I’m paying you for—to sit around all day on your butt?” As you open your mouth to speak, he says, “Save it,” and walks off to the elevator.
Your coworkers pretend not to have heard. You finish gathering your things and leave the office. On the way home you meet a friend. You’re still so upset that you find yourself telling him or her what had just taken place.
Your friend tries to “help” you in eight different ways. As you read each response, tune in to your immediate “gut” reaction and then write it down. (There are no right or wrong reactions. Whatever you feel is right for you.)
I. Denial of Feelings: “There’s no reason to be so upset. It’s foolish to feel that way. You’re probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can’t be as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile . . . You look so nice when you smile.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
II. The Philosophical Response: “Look, life is like that. Things don’t always turn out the way we want. You have to learn to take things in stride. In this world, nothing is perfect.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
III. Advice: “You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning go straight to your boss’s office and say, ‘Look, I was wrong.’ Then sit right down and finish that piece of work you neglected today. Don’t get trapped by those little emergencies that come up. And if you’re smart and you want to keep that job of yours, you’ll make sure nothing like that ever happens again.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
IV. Questions: “What exactly were those emergencies you had that would cause you to forget a special request from your boss?”
“Didn’t you realize he’d be angry if you didn’t get to it immediately?”
“Has this ever happened before?”
“Why didn’t you follow him when he left the room and try to explain again?”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
V. Defense of the Other Person: “I can understand your boss’s reaction. He’s probably under terrible pressure. You’re lucky he doesn’t lose his temper more often.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
VI. Pity: “Oh, you poor thing. That is terrible! I feel so sorry for you, I could just cry.”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
VII. Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Has it ever occurred to you that the real reason you’re so upset by this is because your employer represents a father figure in your life? As a child you probably worried about displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded you it brought back your early fears of rejection. Isn’t that true?”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
VIII. An Empathic Response (an attempt to tune into the feelings of another): “Boy, that sounds like a rough experience. To be subjected to an attack like that in front of other people, especially after having been under so much pressure, must have been pretty hard to take!”
Your reaction:
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
You’ve just been exploring your own reactions to some fairly typical ways that people talk. Now I’d like to share with you some of my personal reactions. When I’m upset or hurting, the last thing I want to hear is advice, philosophy, psychology, or the other fellow’s point of view. That kind of talk makes me only feel worse than before. Pity leaves me feeling pitiful; questions put me on the defensive; and most infuriating of all is to hear that I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling. My overriding reaction to most of these responses is “Oh, forget it. . . . What’s the point of going on?”
But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.
I might even say to myself, “My boss is usually fair. . . . I suppose I should have taken care of that report immediately. . . . But I still can’t overlook what he did. . . . Well, I’ll go in early tomorrow and write that report first thing in the morning. . . . But when I bring it to his office I’ll let him know how upsetting it was for me to be spoken to in that way. . . . And I’ll also let him know that, from now on, if he has any criticism I would appreciate being told privately.”
The process is no different for our children. They too can help themselves if they have a listening ear and an empathic response. But the language of empathy does not come naturally to us. It’s not part of our “mother tongue.” Most of us grew up having our feelings denied. To become fluent in this new language of acceptance, we have to learn and practice its methods. Here are some ways to help children deal with their feelings.
TO HELP WITH FEELINGS
1. Listen with full attention.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“Oh” . . . “Mmm” . . . “I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.
On the next few pages you’ll see the contrast between these methods and the ways that people usually respond to a child who is in distress.
© 1980 Adele Faber
Product details
- ASIN : 1451663889
- Publisher : Scribner
- Publication date : February 7, 2012
- Edition : Updated
- Language : English
- Print length : 384 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9781451663884
- ISBN-13 : 978-1451663884
- Item Weight : 6.7 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 1 x 8.44 inches
- Part of series : How To Talk
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,080 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #4 in Conflict Management
- #4 in Emotional Self Help
- #5 in Family Conflict Resolution
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors

Adele Faber is an internationally acclaimed, award-winning expert on adult-child communication. She lectures nationwide, and her group workshop programs are used by thousands of groups throughout the world to improve communication between children and adults.

Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read book recommendations and more.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find this book helpful for improving communication with children and appreciate its simple, easy-to-understand approach. Moreover, the book receives positive feedback for its effectiveness, with customers noting it works well with both children and adults, and bringing immediate results. Additionally, customers value its emotional intelligence content, with one mentioning how it keeps emotions out of interactions, and its cartoon illustrations that make concepts relatable.
AI Generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book helpful and full of good advice, with many tips and great insights.
"...This one has some very helpful and insightful advice that has worked on several occasions...." Read more
"...It's very useful...." Read more
"...is not dated and the practical techniques in it are as timely and helpful now as they were 30 years ago...." Read more
"...Great, thank you authors! Listen to your kids! Great advice! Can't figure out the positive reviews here...." Read more
Customers find the book effective for communication, particularly with children, as it teaches better listening and speaking skills. One customer notes it works well for talking to adults as well.
"...Fun to read, you get the solution to a rased problem almost at once. Easy to read with lots of pictures and dialogues...." Read more
"This book is easy to read and not preachy. It is interesting. Without fail, some tiny human will have you trying out it's methods in hours...." Read more
"...Life. An easy read and helped me be reflective in my parenting style" Read more
"Easy read and very appliable." Read more
Customers find the book easy to use, with a simple approach that makes sense and is easy to read and follow.
"...message can be learned just by looking at the right/wrong “cartoons”, Simple & practical communication skills really work!..." Read more
"Easy to read, easy to understand. Basically, how to treat your children with respect and give them choices." Read more
"...The authors have written the book with concise and powerful language that relates to every parent...." Read more
"...It gives great insights and is written in a very simple, straightforward and entertaining manner...." Read more
Customers find the book's parenting advice helpful, reporting significant improvements in their children's behavior and increased confidence in their parenting skills. One customer mentions it helped manage frustration with their son, while another notes it improved their interactions with their children.
"...kind and respectful to your children, and have them be well-behaved, confident and happy...." Read more
"What a great book! Common sense, empathy, respect, humor, love, fun... This book brings it all together and not only helps you get through the day..." Read more
"...better communication....not to mention a more satisfying & less stressful family life. What could be better than that?" Read more
"...The most shocking part of the book is that they do not believe in punishment or consequences, a totally new idea for me...." Read more
Customers find the book highly effective, reporting that it works wonders with children and even with adults, bringing immediate results. One customer mentions its success with children they work with daily.
"...We use this in our school and it is a fabulous idea. Really works!" Read more
"...it when I became a mom because it had so much practical advice that really works...." Read more
"very good reading, lot's of examples It really works, but takes a lot of practice and self commitment to make it happens" Read more
"This book works...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's approach to emotional intelligence, as it helps readers understand their own feelings and become more empathetic to others, with one customer noting that it keeps emotions out of the conversation.
"I wish I'd known about this concept years ago. It is kind, works and is so simple once it is understood...." Read more
"...After all, conscientious, loving and well-meaning parents need help, too, and this book can provide just that...." Read more
"This book has practical, real ways to relate and communicate with everyone--not just Kids...." Read more
"What a great book! Common sense, empathy, respect, humor, love, fun... This book brings it all together and not only helps you get through the day..." Read more
Customers appreciate the cartoons in the book, particularly the comic-style examples and sketches that help illustrate the content.
"...understanding simple, by presenting the material in an easy-read/comic form with a multitude of examples...." Read more
"A superbly written book with funny yet phenomenally informative and instructive and practical information that a reader can use immediately to..." Read more
"...of the book with the dialogue, explanation and cartoons helps you find the information you need fast and absorb it in a method that works best for..." Read more
"This book is really useful, even though the cartoons are 1000% goofy. And I am not generally tolerant of goofiness. I don't find it endearing...." Read more
Customers appreciate the exercises in the book, with one customer noting how they help understand concepts better than just reading words, while another mentions the simple activities in each section.
"Great book with examples and exercises...." Read more
"...It has very useful tips and tricks and ideas- many aren't new to me- but always a good reminder and I like the way the book speaks to parents and..." Read more
"...telling parents to just be more patient, it actually provides simple things you can do and say (seriously, exact words and phrases) in the moment...." Read more
"...] This isn’t just a good read but also a good activity book...." Read more
Reviews with images
Absolutely a must for parents, educators and leaders
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2016This book became my parenting "Bible" when my kids were younger, along with "Siblings Without Rivalry" (by the same authors), which is another must-have. I just happened to pick this up in a bookstore many years ago, and have been recommending it ever since. I should say here, that I was a School Psychologist, who also utilized these communication skills when dealing with students. I read where someone said in their review "Nothing I didn't know". Well, we all know some pieces of it...not to scream, not to belittle, not to condemn...but not everyone knows what to do instead. It's also important that you remember the title of the book is "How To Talk So kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk". It's about communicating better, and improving interpersonal skills. If you have a problem with your child seriously abusing drugs, then I'd suggest that you read this while your child is receiving appropriate treatment. It's not a "cure-all' for every possible issue.... although many (myself included) would say that poor communication can certainly be a causal factor behind many other "behaviors".
Once you understand & integrate the authors concepts, they make perfect sense, and the authors make understanding simple, by presenting the material in an easy-read/comic form with a multitude of examples. After all, conscientious, loving and well-meaning parents need help, too, and this book can provide just that. If you just feel like you're not connecting with your child, and they're turning away from you rather than allowing you to be a support for them, try reading this. You don't have much to lose (a little time reading & a little bit of $) and you might find that a small change in YOUR behavior can lead to a big change in theirs (I did), and open the door to better communication....not to mention a more satisfying & less stressful family life. What could be better than that?
- Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2025Overall the advice is very sound. Some examples seemed outdated, but it's pretty easy to apply it to your own situations. I would recommend this to all parents! I bought a used copy and it was in really good condition, no rips or notes inside.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 13, 2025What a great, informational book.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2012I was actually not really sure on how many stars to give this book, both because I have just finished it and I am not a parent. I am currently a babysitter and have noticed that I am not as patient or kind with the kids (1, 3, 5) when under pressure as I once thought I was capable of being. I have many children in my family, and I have always been the one to play with the kids, babysit etc. I have also always been the one to look on with disbelief at the way I see many parents treat their children and internally criticize their parenting skills. Low and behold, the longer I babysat, every day....all day.....the more I saw myself behaving far too similarly to those other parents! Out of fear of becoming a parent I criticize when I have my own children (and to better deal with the children I watch now), I decided to invest in some parenting books to change those scripts in my head that I was raised with and see all around me. All of that being said, I find this book to be contrary to so many of the views on parenting I was brought up with and have seen around me. Respect your kids, respect yourself, build a relationship of mutual respect rather than a dominant-submissive one, acknowledge feeling, share your own feelings, and so on. I really like the ideas in the book, but putting them into practice is, obviously, the true test. The most shocking part of the book is that they do not believe in punishment or consequences, a totally new idea for me. They do offer alternatives and I agree with the reasoning behind it. Consequences make kids focus on the punishment, not the bad act, therefore rather than focusing on how to fix the problem they created, they begin to resent their parents. All in all, I think it is worth reading. If anything, it will help you start to rethink some of the things you may do with your own kids, and you can, at least, pick and choose some new techniques to try.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2014The theme of this book can be summed up thusly: Treat your children like human beings. Sounds simple in theory but if you have kids, you know it’s not as easy as it sounds. It can be hard to treat your children like regular human beings when they don’t always act like regular human beings. Or is it just mine that can be irrational monsters at times? I really liked all the practical examples and situations that the authors used throughout the book. My husband listened to this book as well and we’ve been putting a lot of the tips into practice with our three children. So far, it’s working really well.
I enjoyed listening this book in its audio format. The narrator, Susan Bennett, was dynamic and brought a lot of inflection to her reading – it was anything but dry, which non-fiction audio can easily be. I liked this book so much that after listening to it, I bought the paperback so that I will be able to go back and refer to specific parts again and again. That’s the one drawback of wonderful instructional books like this in audio – it’s hard to use an audio book for reference. Also, the paperback version has a lot of cartoons, which of course don’t translate into the audio format. However, I did like that my first reading was in the audio format as I often digest this type of book more easily if I listen to it. And my husband never would have read the printed version as he falls asleep after reading for about 10 minutes, no matter what kind of book it is! He was able to listen to this book on his daily commute, which worked out nicely.
I highly recommend this book to all parents interested in gentle, effective alternative methods to yelling and nagging (and spanking if anyone still does that.) That should be pretty much all of us, right?
Top reviews from other countries
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ana figueroa quintanaReviewed in Spain on December 12, 20245.0 out of 5 stars Lecciones Magistrales
Me lo recomendaron en un hospital de referencia de EE.UU., y es realmente bueno. Las recomendaciones son buenísimas, y explicadas de manera amena, dinámica, muy práctica y, muy importante, sin culpabilizar a quienes lo hacíamos regular hasta ahora. Lectura altamente recomendable para padres, profesores, entrenadores.. y en general, para cualquiera con ganas de aprender a entender y hacerse entender por niños y adolescentes!!
Simsalabim101Reviewed in Germany on March 30, 20135.0 out of 5 stars A MUST read for parents
Just think about what it is you tell your kids during a normal day. Isn't it mostly orders and no? Think about it and start to really talk to your kids. And how do you react when your kid tells you something? By giving advice and telling your kid what YOU think (is the right thing to do, to say, etc)? Try saying nothing instead and just listen. This are two key advices I found very helpful, simple and was able to use immediatly. I first bought this book as an e-reader edition, but absolutely had to have the printed edition. Not so much to do the assignments, but more to work on it with markers and stickers. I will keep it close to make sure I read it over and over again because many of the advices might not fit it right now, but will for sure come in handy later on.
MariamReviewed in the United Arab Emirates on November 18, 20205.0 out of 5 stars Very useful
Very informative! Opens your eyes and changes the way you talk and engage woth kids
RicardoReviewed in Mexico on April 22, 20195.0 out of 5 stars A whole workshop in book format
It's quite amazing how good this book can work. It is very easy explained and it has a lot of draws and examples. It's also very realistic: It never sells magic solutions, nor says everything will work for everybody. So, it's like being in a workshop with another parents, but in your home and in your own.
user-MSEHPA1Reviewed in Egypt on July 13, 20225.0 out of 5 stars Delieverd to marina in 2 days am really happy
The book is original, I recieved it yesterday and am soo happy that i found it






































