- Paperback: 272 pages
- Publisher: Harper Perennial; 1st Cliff Street Boo edition (September 8, 1999)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 0060929324
- ISBN-13: 978-0060929329
- Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 96 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #156,219 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World Paperback – September 8, 1999
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"Demystifies much within our pasts that can hurt our intimate relationships in ways we may not even realize." If You Had Controlling Parents" helps spark understanding and acceptance across generations." -- John Gray, Ph.D., author of" Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" "A step-by-step plan in which [the reader] can deprogram himself from the ingrained and harmful habits taught by unhealthy guardians...and change habitual feelings of low self-esteem, distrust, or even a willingness to be victimized."--" Los Angeles Times""Excels in describing threads common to many extreme parenting styles...and to the way children subjected to them feel once they've grown up." --" Dallas Morning News"
About the Author
Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., is a licensed family therapist with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. A popular speaker, college educator, and award-winning journalist, he specializes in helping adults cope with the challenges of unhealthy family control. He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.
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This book is fantastic, but MAKE SURE you don't put it down before Part 3: Solving the Problem, p. 155. Otherwise you're just sitting there mired in all this depressing information not knowing what really to do about it.
I wish the Author would put out an updated version where there are exercises at the end of each chapter, but that's just my preference. I like to feel like I'm actively doing something to help myself, and the strategies about what to do don't come until p. 155.
But maybe I'm just being critical because I had perfectionist parents - BA DUM CHING! (Distracting jokes? See. . . I learned a lot! 😄)
No, really. It is a good book for coming to terms with negativity and lurking weirdness in your life. And there is no opportunity for victimization here. The author lays it on the line pretty early about how it's really sad you had a hard time growing up, but you're an adult so your drama is your drama now and you can't blame Ma & Pa for your adult mistakes. There's also a really compassionate chapter on understanding what your parents may have gone through to make them controlling. At the same time it addresses the tendency to make excuses for bad behavior ala "They did the best they could." Well, that may be true, but that doesn't mean that acknowledging it wasn't all ponies and roses and smiles is betraying your parents.
I got a lot out of the parts about your "internal parent," which is basically the self-punishing part of you that takes after the patterns you learned. It's like doing something you know isn't healthy because it's a habit. I really enjoyed this book, and am glad I got it. DEFINITELY worth far more than the five bucks or so I paid to get it used.
P.S. You might laugh at me for this, but I think it even made me a better dog owner. The dog, however, didn't seem to care either way.
This book is a life saver.
If you have any suspicion that your parents were abnormally controlling, you should def read this.
This book opened me up to possibilities of overcoming some of the issues that I keep facing over and over again that I never suspected came from my childhood.
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