It is important to read Abigail Shrier’s book Irreversible Damage, just as it is important to occasionally watch Fox News: so that one can understand and can intellectually and reasonably comment on the narrow minded if not all out factually wrong views and baseless opinions of those who possess them. Given that the book is written by a journalist (not a member of the trans community, nor a parent of a trans person, nor doctor, nor psychologist), I expected it to at the very least present a broader and more impartial view of the cultural phenomenon that the author focuses her lens on. If that were the case, I might be able to overlook the lack of compassion and understanding some evidence of which you would hope to see in a book written about such a sensitive topic. Alas, the book lacks both impartiality and compassion, and instead takes on a completely irreverent and downright offensive tone at times, not just towards transgender people, but towards schools, counselors, churches, and any who chose to support them. While reading I was actually appalled at not just the lack of these qualities, but the blatant mocking, sarcasm, and poor attempts at humor presented in the book. Paragraphs like “According to gender-affirmative therapists, offering a transgender identified teen appropriate support requires not merely getting the terminology right. It requires the mental feat of believing it. Your daughter is gone, now you have a son. Mazel tov!’ from page 104.
In this paragraph Shrier not only belittles the expert opinion of gender-affirming therapists, she also invalidates the reality of the transgender person, and makes inappropriate use of a sacred Jewish expression.
As a parent I can tell you that it is actually NOT a mental feat to believe your child is not their gender assigned at birth. Part of having an open mind, and indeed part of innate intelligence is being able to change your beliefs and adapt in response to new information. I like to think that is part of the reason why there are more transgender youth coming out in today’s world, because they are growing up in a time that has allowed their brains to use information to grow, adapt and move beyond the constructs of previous ages that were so efficient at offering limiting beliefs about gender roles, societal expectations and more. I can understand that Shrier being a product of her generation may not be as inclined to these shifts in thinking, but to state that others will not be able to adapt is just not rational.
Other problems I have with this book (and there are many more than the ones I include in this list) are:
Shrier provides stories and accounts of transgender youth apparently without their permission. Whether or not she uses their real names, I feel it is still a violation of that person’s rights. And in telling their personal stories, she also fails to use their preferred pronouns.
Shrier often tries to illustrate topics around transgender youth by making false analogies with anorexic people, black people, asian people, even chickens. You just have to read the book to see the absurdity of these logical fallacies, but in NONE of the examples does Shrier manage to make a compelling argument. Indeed, much of her argument is based on such logical dishonesty.
Shrier suggests that transgender people who don’t have supportive or affirming parents should not pursue their feelings to transition or come out in order to continue getting financial support, such as college education, paid for by their parents. In other words suggesting that youth spend their lives in the closet in order to get their parents to support them. This is in the context of talking about Transgender gurus and other members of the LGBTQ+ community who use online platforms to express love and support to the transgender people who are not getting it at home. She writes of Jett Taylor, one such guru, “Just don’t expect him to pay your college tuition” on page 50. Because apparently going to college is more important than a person being able to express who they are. I don’t know about Shrier but I was taught children deserve unconditional love. If my child wants to pursue a college education, I will support them in that regardless of who they are. And hooray to Jett and others who are affirming these kids who need to feel loved. Maybe he won’t pay their college tuition, but he might be the one who helps them to live past high school.
Shrier belittles sex education in schools. She basically uses extreme, strawman examples and takes specific content of curriculum out of context to make it appear radical and obscene. Well guess what Shrier, high school kids are having sex, probably more obscene and raunchy than anything in that curriculum, so better that they learn about it in a safe and controlled environment and among people who can help guide them. Indeed, in her closing chapter “The Way Back” she urges that parents “Don’t support gender ideology in your child’s education,” and even says specifically to protest if a transgender youth is to be introduced to the student body at an assembly. Seeing what we are seeing in legislation today, it is extremely important that Shrier’s views on this topic be counter argued in an intelligent way.
Shrier minimizes the risk of suicide among transgender youth, citing without supporting data that it is a false statistic used to frighten parents into affirming their children’s gender identities. Yes, Shrier, it is frightening to think that my child has a higher risk of suicide than the average teen. In response to that, I am not going to make fear based decisions on how to control my child, but instead, learn what I can do to support their mental health.
Shrier tries to say that guidance counselors and therapists are encouraging and converting kids to become transgender, pushing them forward on the path by affirming them, and states that though she used to think therapy was a good thing, maybe it’s not so much these days. Well guess what Shrier, as someone trained as a therapist who went to school 20 years ago, I can attest that we are and were always taught to affirm experience and validate clients. We are not there to give advice or push someone down a path. And when it comes to challenging incorrect beliefs, we are not the person to challenge a belief that someone holds about their own identity. Of course there are different therapeutic methods that range from CBT to Humanistic therapy, but the success of therapy hinges on the relationship between the therapist and the client, and relationships are built on trust and understanding. Now, if what you are really talking about is deprogramming, and attesting that modern day professionals are getting kids to think of themselves as transgender against their will, or brainwashing them, well, call it what you think it is. But again, I don’t see this happening, anywhere. Transgender youth are not cult members, and therapists aren’t deprogrammers. Do you see the difference here?
Shrier undermines experts in the field of transgender medicine and counseling, such as gender-affirming medical treatment. (Just read page 97).
The moms and dads Shrier interviewed for the book are reportedly super involved in their children’s lives, sharing every phase and fad with them, but are, at the same time, “unaware” for extended periods of time when the child’s school starts using different names and pronouns for them. (No explanation needed here for the parents of children that really are involved in their kid’s lives.) For others, as a person who has both worked in schools as a guidance counselor and been involved as a parent, it is very difficult for me to imagine one of my children using different pronouns or a different name and me not hearing through ANYONE in the school community - a teacher, guidance counselor, another parent - surely SOMEONE would contact me out of concern and say, “Mrs. Day-Lewis, are you aware that your child is using a different name at school?”
Shrier spends a lot of time focusing on the side effects of hormones and the dangers of puberty blockers and testosterone. I have a question for Shrier: How are these drugs any worse than the myriad of prescription medications being offered to kids starting at MUCH younger ages for diagnosis ranging from ADD to OCD to anxiety to bi-polar disorder? Are these drugs that you can walk away from without long term side-effects or changes to biology and brain chemistry? Did you even think about all of these other drugs as you researched puberty-blockers and testosterone? At least the treatments available to people suffering from gender dysphoria are able to move the person taking them towards their goals. Most medications prescribed to youth are just a band-aid, and do nothing to address the underlying issues. And besides, I don’t know if your information is just out-dated or what, but from what I have read there is absolutely no way for most trans youth to legally get prescribed testosterone before the age of eighteen without parental consent. My stance on this is the same as it was when considering medication for ADD or depression, if it is needed to help my child feel well in body and mind, then it should absolutely be considered as an appropriate intervention.
Also related to young children being given hormones - how about birth control, which is often given a) to try and eliminate the symptoms of menstruation b) prevent teen-pregnancy and c) sometimes just because…..? As someone with degrees in counseling and years of experience as a guidance counselor I have come across many women who went on birth control as young as eleven or twelve just because their doctor or parent thought it was a good idea. How is this worse than prescribing a transgender youth puberty blockers? Birth control has many ill side effects, and there is thought in the Ayurvedic community that long term use is linked to the extensive thyroid malfunction rampant among women today.
The final and most important element missing from Shrier’s work can be broken down into four letters. L-O-V-E. If you love your child, and want them to feel your love, you’ll support them on their path. This life is THEIR life, not yours, and they are only legally required to pay any attention to you at all until they are eighteen. After that, they can do whatever they want, and be done with you forever if that is what they choose. So, what this means is that if a child is in the category of coming out later in life, say after twelve, then that parent has about six years to show up for that kid in a way that makes them want to have anything to do with them after they turn eighteen.
I’m no expert in Transgender research by any means, but I disagree with many of the other reviews that this book is somehow important or relevant. As I said in my opening paragraph, I think the only actual benefit to reading this book is to be versed enough in the content to be able to intelligently refute the faulty logic and arguments. If more books needs to be written about the transgender experience, they need to be done so with a whole lot more compassion and understanding. If not compassion and understanding, then more memoirs, books BY transgender people, or by trained experts who have worked with transgender people⸺not journalists who have decided to present a flimsy one-sided story. So if you are indeed capable of writing THAT story, for those are the stories that NEED to be told, please do so and I will buy your book.
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Reviewed in the United States on December 16, 2022
This is a must read. It is full of thought provoking stories, interviews, and research.
Reviewed in the United States on December 16, 2022
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A book all parents should read
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Don't be put off by the subtitle
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