For many years I'd been seeing doctors who had diagnosed me with major depression and social anxiety. I tried the "gold standard" approach of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and the newer mindfulness-based Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), as well as medication, meditation, exercise, and countless other things everyone always recommends. They all helped somewhat, but I couldn't help feel that they never touched the heart of my emotional pain. One day, I happened to read Hilary Jacobs Hendel's op-ed in The New York Times titled "It's Not Always Depression, Sometimes It's Shame." The story of "Brian", whose parents had provided for him materially but neglected him emotionally, spoke to me, and something crucial clicked when Hendel called his experience "a form of trauma." When I saw that Hendel was publishing a new book with the same title as her article, I jumped at the chance to buy it.
Trauma was a word I had always associated with experiences like warfare, car accidents, rape, or natural disaster. But reading her article sent me on a path of searching, which eventually led me to the work of Bessel van der Kolk, Pete Walker, Beverly Engel, and others who recognized that things like abuse, neglect, bullying, or other more workaday adverse experiences can result in similar symptoms as those more obvious traumas. In this book, Hendel calls these "small t traumas" (as opposed to "Big T Traumas"), and makes the point that "we are all a little traumatized." Such "small t traumas" are often easy to overlook, but can deeply wound our ability to feel what we really feel and (by extension) be who we really are. In this book, Hendel teaches you how to reconnect with your emotions and with your true self, what she calls "the openhearted state", characterized by calm, compassion, clarity, connectedness, confidence, and courage.
It's taken me several months to get through the book. Hendel really wanted to get as much of the healing potential of therapy (particularly the style of therapy she practices, Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) into the book as possible and make it as accessible as possible, using plain language. The result is admittedly more pragmatic than immediately inspiring. It makes for a slow read, especially if (like me) you want to contemplate the information and apply it to your life. It's not easy work, and may require working through it with a therapist. But this is vital information in a world which seems to revolve around running from our emotions, and each page is brimming with empathy and compassion for her clients and for her readers. Hendel was doing a brave and risky thing in making this information, heretofore available only to mental health professionals, widely available in a book for the general public. Diana Fosha, the founder of AEDP, expresses in the Foreword to this book a veiled apprehension about having her life's work loosed upon the world, out of her careful guardianship, though I don't think she need worry. This book is thus a gift of deep compassion, and I'm extremely grateful she put in the work and dedication to get this information out to as many people as possible. I especially appreciated the inclusion of specific techniques for working with emotions like anger, anxiety, and shame; in addition, Hendel goes into considerable depth about the nature of trauma, the factors that can contribute to our anxiety or shame, and offers moving, relatable stories from her own therapy practice.
It's not a perfect book. The Change Triangle she uses is a helpful shorthand for our uneasy relationship with our emotions, but I'm not convinced that this framework (developed for clinicians) will be successful as self-help tool for a general audience, due to the level of self-awareness required. (I note that, to date, many of the positive reviews are by therapists and not laypeople.) What's more, I don't feel Hendel emphasized the potential pitfalls of trying to do this work on your own. AEDP is a deeply interpersonal form of therapy, and this comes across in both Fosha's Foreword, and Hendel's moving clinical vignettes. Especially when we're dealing with trauma, the presence of a compassionate other is vital. I previously read Tina Gilbertson's delightful Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them, which covers much the same ground as Hendel, and I find myself using her T-R-U-T-H technique more than the Change Triangle, though they accomplish essentially the same thing. But Hendel's book adds a wealth of information from neuroscience, attachment theory, emotion research, and clinical practice that will be valuable to anyone interested in going deeper.
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Popular Highlights in this book
Inhibitory emotions preserve connection by overriding core emotional expression.Highlighted by 1,202 Kindle readers- Defenses cause us to feel trapped, inhibited, limited, and unable to reach our potential. Defenses force us to live in extremes of black and white, good or bad, where life lacks nuance. Too many defenses make it hard to wholeheartedly engage in life.Highlighted by 955 Kindle readers
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About the author
Excellent material!
I downloaded the audio book “It’s Not Always Depression” to listen to on my 13 hours drive from TN to TX. I, also, bought the actual book so I could tab it and use it as a reference. I can already see how impactful your book is going to be on my practice. Being able to identify core emotions, defenses, and inhibitory emotions then teach them how to “streamline the neurobiological processes of energy efficiency and brain integration” to promote the emotional homeostasis is exciting. Thank you for this book and for access to the “Change Triangle” and examples of it being used.
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on July 15, 2018
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Top reviews from other countries
- AngeloReviewed in Italy on September 22, 2021
Informative, compassionate, scientific
- Kapil SakhujaReviewed in India on January 19, 2019
Beautiful book with so much important information
- Blue Hermit 21Reviewed in Germany on July 14, 2018
The Change Triangle is a great tool to know about and work with.
