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It's Not Me, It's You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better. Hardcover – September 6, 2022

by John Kim (Author), Vanessa Bennett (Author)
4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 175 ratings
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Two therapists analyze their own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers many individuals face on the road to a happy, loving, rewarding partnership.

Many of the clients who end up in our respective therapist offices thought they were doing relationships right—avoiding the white picket fence, focusing on careers and experiences over babies and legally-binding documents, choosing someone after they “found themselves” first. However, like clockwork, around their early to mid-thirties, these clients show up at our door. Why? For the first time, they realize that they dislike their relationship and are frustrated by their partner but know that another break-up won’t fix things. They recognize a pattern of relationship misery that has them finally looking in the mirror asking, how do you make a relationship last?

It took us many relationships, our own inner self journey (which we’re still on), therapy, therapy school, and helping thousands of people with their relationships, to learn to have better ones ourselves. Vanessa woke up at 31, after ending an engagement and moving to Los Angeles. John thought he woke up at 35 after his divorce. But he didn’t truly wake up until he was pushing 40. 

In It’s Not Me, It’s You, John and Vanessa dissect their own relationship to help readers figure out theirs: what their relationships were like in the past, what traumas they carried into the new relationship, and how they work on growing together to foster a healthy and long-term bond.

The surprising truth is falling in love is more about you than your partner. It’s more about challenge and growth than comfort and ease, and roots don’t grow from wishful thinking—they grow in the soil of communication, curiosity, patience, and understanding.

It’s Not Me, It’s You is for anyone looking for real advice on relationships that takes both sides into account and discusses relationships with the honesty and clarity we all need.

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  1. Print length
    288 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    HarperOne
  4. Publication date
    September 6, 2022
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.97 x 8.25 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0063206315
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0063206311
  8. See all details
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  1. What's it about?

    Two therapists analyze their own relationship to help untangle the common and frustrating barriers many individuals face on the road to a happy, loving, rewarding partnership.

  2. Popular highlight

    At the end of the day, love is a daily choice to be emotionally responsible to someone.
    231 Kindle readers highlighted this

  3. Popular highlight

    Your soulmate is not someone who will come into your life peacefully. It will be the person who comes to make you question things, to change your reality. Someone who marks a before and after in your life. It will not be the idealized person you fantasized about, but an ordinary person who challenges you and makes you better.
    211 Kindle readers highlighted this
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From the Publisher

I Used to be a Miserable F*ck Single on Purpose It’s Not Me, It’s You
I Used to be a Miserable F*ck Single on Purpose It’s Not Me, It’s You
Customer Reviews
4.7 out of 5 stars
958
4.7 out of 5 stars
2,398
4.8 out of 5 stars
175
Price $18.42 $10.44 $13.34
When you’re at the tipping point of realizing you’re not happy and something needs to change. When the most important relationship to define is the one with yourself. When you’ve done the work on yourself and you’re ready to relationship better.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

John Kim, LMFT, blogs as The Angry Therapist, and practices complete authenticity and transparency with his many clients. He is the bestselling author of Break Up on Purpose; It’s Not Me, It’s You; Single. On Purpose.; and I Used to be a Miserable F*ck. He lives in Los Angeles.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ HarperOne (September 6, 2022)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0063206315
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0063206311
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.97 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 175 ratings

About the authors

Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.
Previous page
  1. Vanessa Bennett

    Vanessa Bennett

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Vanessa Bennett, LMFT is an author, holistic psychotherapist, and codependency expert. Her therapeutic approach integrates years of study and practice in Depth, Buddhist, and Yoga Psychology. She co-hosts the Cheaper Than Therapy Podcast, leads soul-based retreats and workshops, and creates and facilitates curriculum for non-profit and corporate events and conferences.

    She connects with people through her writing, teaching, and social platforms by being transparent about her struggles in relationships and by normalizing how hard it can be to be human. Especially a human on the path of self-betterment.

    See more on the author's page
  2. John Kim

    John Kim

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    John Kim LMFT (The Angry Therapist) pioneered the online life coaching movement seven years ago, after going through a divorce which led to his total re-birth. He quickly built a devoted following of fans who loved the frank and authentic insights that he freely shared on social media. He pulled the curtain back and showed himself by practicing transparency and sharing his story something therapists are taught not to do. Kim became known as an unconventional therapist who worked out of the box by seeing clients at coffee shops, on hikes, in a CrossFit box. He built a coaching team of his own and launched a sister company called JRNI, creating a new way to help people help people and change the way we change. He lives in Los Angeles.

    See more on the author's page
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Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5
175 global ratings
10 out of 10 I do recommend this book.
5 out of 5 stars
10 out of 10 I do recommend this book.
Written by John Kim (The Angry Therapist) and his partner Vanessa Bennet. A co written book by two therapists that are in a relationship about relationships was a new experience for me.-It was and is an amazing read. The insight from two people on the common struggles in relationships comes with real life examples from the professionals. Yes they really share real world issues from their relationship from both sides and explain the ins and outs together.-This book while not hard to read will help you take a hard look at some issues that will resonate with you. This book caused me to pause and reflect on past experiences and helps with present experiences as well.-If you have lived loved and avoided the toaster bath but lost the partner this might be a good read for you. As with any other book of this caliber it only helps if you read it and apply it. I've already been actively applying the new tools this book provides.-So 10 out of 10 I do recommend.
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Top reviews from the United States

Bishop Brown
5.0 out of 5 stars 10 out of 10 I do recommend this book.
Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2024
Verified Purchase
Written by John Kim (The Angry Therapist) and his partner Vanessa Bennet. A co written book by two therapists that are in a relationship about relationships was a new experience for me.
-
It was and is an amazing read. The insight from two people on the common struggles in relationships comes with real life examples from the professionals. Yes they really share real world issues from their relationship from both sides and explain the ins and outs together.
-
This book while not hard to read will help you take a hard look at some issues that will resonate with you. This book caused me to pause and reflect on past experiences and helps with present experiences as well.
-
If you have lived loved and avoided the toaster bath but lost the partner this might be a good read for you. As with any other book of this caliber it only helps if you read it and apply it. I've already been actively applying the new tools this book provides.
-
So 10 out of 10 I do recommend.
Customer image
Bishop Brown
5.0 out of 5 stars 10 out of 10 I do recommend this book.
Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2024
Written by John Kim (The Angry Therapist) and his partner Vanessa Bennet. A co written book by two therapists that are in a relationship about relationships was a new experience for me.
-
It was and is an amazing read. The insight from two people on the common struggles in relationships comes with real life examples from the professionals. Yes they really share real world issues from their relationship from both sides and explain the ins and outs together.
-
This book while not hard to read will help you take a hard look at some issues that will resonate with you. This book caused me to pause and reflect on past experiences and helps with present experiences as well.
-
If you have lived loved and avoided the toaster bath but lost the partner this might be a good read for you. As with any other book of this caliber it only helps if you read it and apply it. I've already been actively applying the new tools this book provides.
-
So 10 out of 10 I do recommend.
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Shelby
5.0 out of 5 stars If you only read one relationship book…
Reviewed in the United States on September 10, 2022
Verified Purchase
While I don’t recommend reading only one book THIS book covers a lot of hard topics other relationship books leave out.

Grab your highlighters and sticky notes!

The authors list other books and authors you may choose to explore next, deepening your own abilities to know yourself more. How generous!

I appreciate how vulnerable and transparent the authors are in sharing their different paths to each other, and their very different stories and patterns.

I find this kind of self help book more useful than others where an author seems to talk AT me vs through themselves and their own life lessons.

I do not believe anyone would regret reading this book cover to cover. I keep in mind that the stuff that doesn’t seem to interest me may just be the stuff I’m not ready to work on, yet. A blind spot. This book is rich in all the corners of ourselves we need to shine a light on to grow through.

I purchased the hardcover to keep in my clinic for patients to hold and thumb through some highlights, hopefully inspiring them to purchase their own copy.

I purchased the audible because I already admire and enjoy the authors. I wanted to hear their words in their voices.

Enjoy!
8 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Love
Reviewed in the United States on October 16, 2023
Verified Purchase
My husband and I are both reading this book together and it has had such a positive affect on our relationship. We communicate more calmly…it’s been a game changer. Thanks for being so real guys!!
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Amanda J. Howell
5.0 out of 5 stars Relationship SOS
Reviewed in the United States on March 15, 2023
Verified Purchase
I read this book in less than 24hrs. I highlighted every word that resonated with me, at the end of the book I looked back and almost every page was highlighted. It truly is one of a kind for relationship how too's. I love that Vanessa gives her perspective followed by John's and how they worked through and or saw/felt the words differently. I have put the suggestions into play in my personal relationship and have found great success with outcomes. Following both of them on Instagram and listening to their podcasts also helped open my heart towards my partner. A must read for all relationships!
One person found this helpful
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Lilly Flower
4.0 out of 5 stars Grateful!
Reviewed in the United States on February 14, 2024
Verified Purchase
Yet another book in which I can relate & apply principles to my daily life.
Self-reflection plus self-improvement equals growth.
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WonderBill
5.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely fantastic book that greatly helped me understand myself, my wife, and my marriage.
Reviewed in the United States on June 28, 2023
Verified Purchase
This book helped me to understand the different ways of thinking between myself and my wife. It really helped me bridge the gap, find acceptance, and see that there was a positive way forward. Thank you so much to John Kim & Vanessa Bennett for this helpful tool!
One person found this helpful
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David Martin
5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommend
Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2023
Verified Purchase
I bought this book during/after a difficult breakup. Perspective wise it really helped me and also self growth wise, it impacted me in a way where I’ll never be the same again. 10/10 everyone should read.
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Jari
5.0 out of 5 stars Great dialog
Reviewed in the United States on September 8, 2022
Verified Purchase
I got an early copy through a book club and was able to read before my book arrived yesterday. Vanessa and John did a great job at sharing their experiences and making them relatable. A lot of self help books feel cookie cutter and this one is messy, is a good way. They remind you that life is not black and white and Disney love does not exist. You have to build the love you want. I really appreciated it and would highly recommend.
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Top reviews from other countries

E. Teskey
5.0 out of 5 stars If you want a strong, honest relationship, this is the book.
Reviewed in Canada on September 7, 2022
Verified Purchase
I'm a fan of the work John and Vanessa do so it is wonderful to have their relationship thoughts in one book. I love their vulnerability and how they break down their suggestions to build a strong relationship. They don't pull any punches and give you the honest, hard facts based on their experiences as therapists and humans. Each chapter ends with self-reflection questions and ways to implement their suggestions.

Highly recommend this for people who want to look honestly at themselves and their relationships. Even if you're not in a relationship, it's worth reading.
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Ickarus
5.0 out of 5 stars Love it
Reviewed in Germany on October 15, 2022
Verified Purchase
"What we see in the world, the collective, is simply a reflection of what we see at home. The more people commit to going inward, practicing self-compassion and challenging themselves to love in the best and most expansive way they possibly can, it is only natural that the dynamic of the world will change too. We will be healthier partners, healthier parents, healthier employees, and healthier global citizens."
Amen
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