Enter your mobile number or email address below and we'll send you a link to download the free Kindle App. Then you can start reading Kindle books on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.
To get the free app, enter your mobile phone number.
Other Sellers on Amazon
+ Free Shipping
It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single Paperback – January 7, 2014
Frequently bought together
Customers who bought this item also bought
"In this comforting love letter to single women, journalist Eckel tackles 27 common criticisms trotted out to unmarried ladies of a certain age—and sets each of those chestnuts on its ear. Advocating for the women who want to marry but haven’t yet found their match, the author picks apart clichéd observations such as “you’re too picky,” “you should have married that guy,” “you have low self-esteem,” and “you’re too desperate,” offering sensible responses for when these questions inevitably come up. Eckel sagely points out that “when you stop picking apart your personality and endlessly replaying the game tapes of your previous relationships, you clear a lot of mental space,” and she rationally discusses why each of these “truisms” are utterly wrong, funneling many through a Buddhist viewpoint while sharing her adventures with meditation and her own stories about dates gone wrong. Eckel also encourages women to examine what’s right with their lives, rather than what’s wrong—something very difficult to do when society is passing judgment, she acknowledges, but a necessary step nonetheless. A must for any single woman’s personal library, this book will lend hope to the millions of unattached women who want to believe love is on the horizon." --Publishers Weekly
"What makes It’s Not You stand out amid myriad dating guides is Eckel’s tone: devoid of sass for sass’s sake, calm without preaching." –Elle
“It’s Not You masquerades as self-help, but it’s really a manifesto, a radical declaration of truths that shouldn’t be all that radical but somehow are nonetheless. Sara Eckel does what no one writing about singleness has yet had the guts to do. She points out that coupling up is often nothing more than a matter of luck and that conventional wisdom about love is no substitute for real wisdom about life—something she has in spades.”
—Meghan Daum, author of My Misspent Youth
“Finally! Someone said it: Being single does not mean you’re broken. Thank you, Sara Eckel, for speaking up and turning the tables on anyone who dared point their needling finger at poor old singletons negotiating the process of looking for love. It’s Not You is a smart and sane respite from the incessant chatter of relationship self-help that places the single person in the middle of a perpetual makeover project. Eckel deftly argues why you don’t need any of it, and she’ll make you think about dating in an entirely new light. Her book is fresh, relatable, funny, and empowering, and I’m only one percent mad at her for not writing it sooner. Mostly, I just want to hug her and so will you.”
—Rachel Machacek, author of The Science of Single
“Debunking the myths and well-meaning advice lobbed onto single women today, Sara Eckel’s It’s Not You is like soothing guidance from a best friend in book form. Fearless, funny, and wise, it’s a reminder to single women everywhere that the best antidote to the overwhelmingly negative dating feedback that prevails is self-compassion.”
—Ava Chin, “Urban Forager” columnist and author of Eating Wildly
“Sara Eckel has composed an electrically charged response to a world still eager to tie a woman’s value to her marital status. It’s Not You is a thorough and thoughtful debunking of the myths of blame routinely foisted on women who have not (yet or ever) found mates. Eckel is funny, compassionate, and righteously resistant to the lies women are told about how personal shortcomings have damned them to singlehood, while smartly standing up to assumptions that there’s anything wrong with unmarried life to begin with.”
—Rebecca Traister, author of Big Girls Don’t Cry
“It’s Not You is a funny, thoughtful, and long-overdue response to every well-intentioned tool who insists single women are single because they’re ‘too’ something: picky, available, desperate, intimidating, nice, negative, attractive, or, I don’t know, averse to clog dancing. Instead, she assures us we’re fine. The only problem? We simply haven’t met the guy of our dreams yet.”
—Diane Mapes, author of How to Date in a Post-Dating World
“Sara Eckel counters prevailing myths about dating and marriage, and offers solace and very helpful advice to those who feel pained by prolonged singlehood. Above all, this book will resonate with readers because of the way she shares her own struggling, vulnerable heart.”
—Gabriel Cohen, author of Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky
“Part Buddhist teacher and part social critic, Sara Eckel tells single women what we older-to-marry folks wish we could go back to say to our own younger self-doubting unmarried selves.. . . This book is a refreshing study of women realizing the best potential of feminism: to realistically accept both the challenges, and the triumphs, of living life on one’s own terms.”
—Paula Kamen, author of Her Way, All in My Head, and Finding Iris Chang
About the Author
Sara Eckel has been a freelance writer for more than fifteen years. Her essays and reported pieces have appeared in the New York Times, Salon, Forbes, Time Out New York, the Shambhala Sun, GOOD, Martha Stewart Living, Self, Glamour, Working Mother, Woman’s Day, Cosmopolitan, and other publications. Her short fiction has appeared in Speakeasy and Sanskrit. She lives in Kingston, New York, with her husband.
If you are a seller for this product, would you like to suggest updates through seller support?
Top Customer Reviews
Dating books are NOT the places to turn if you're not feeling great-- they make you feel worse. The homework those books gave me just made me feel MORE hopeless.
Enter this book, just in time. It is not "scientifically proven," it's not a groundbreaking technique-- it's just a woman who could be your friend talking to you in a really clear, honest way about WHAT IS NOT WRONG WITH YOU. Seriously, why does everyone tell us there's something wrong? Why do we tell OURSELVES?
I think the most useful thing a book can do-- of any kind, actually-- is make you feel connected to the world, and therefore less alone. That is exactly what this book has done. Sara Eckel describes many exact thoughts and feelings that I have had and even just by doing that makes me feel less crazy, or broken, or deficient in some way.
I don't need homework. I needed this book to remind me of some really clear truths-- that being single is not evidence of being broken, and that wanting a relationship is not evidence of being pathetic.
I am right square in Sara Eckel's demographic-- a 35-year-old, professional Brooklynite-- but I have a feeling there is a lot of universality to what she's saying, based on what I know of friends in other parts of the country and of the world.
The point being-- if you are single and you feel like there's some code that all the married people have that you never figured out, read this book.
I guess I don't regret trying to improve myself. Maybe I do. I don't know. But seriously, why do I have to become some expert at being a human being, when as the author puts it, the married girl next door met her husband at 22 while puking in a bush after a frat party at 3am?
The author tells a hard truth: that life is just unfair, some people met "the one" and got a ring, and I have not yet. That's it. That's what happened to those married people you know. Your married friends got married with their daddy issues and bad shoes and paper plate dinners in front of the tv. You didn't. They didn't analyze feminism for 10 years to become just the right balance of "career-oriented", "damsel-in-distress", "unintimidating" and "just liberated enough" "with great shoes in only black or brown." They were just lucky. To date, I have not experienced that same luck. Life sucks. Life is unfair. Tomorrow might be different. The end.
My favorite part is the one about how "I'm not happy enough with being alone." At what point have I proven to the great Boyfriend Gods that I truly am soooo in love being alone I'm perpetually ecstatic and have therefore earned the right to Love? 5 years in a 1-bedroom with tearful dinners by myself? Or 10? And why did my married friends only need to tough this "alone test" out for a year when they were 24 in order to qualify? Or, in some cases, they never had to take the test at all? Now, I know we all have to have a degree of independence about us. Then again, do we? Seriously, navigating the world all alone every day is absolutely miserable. Just ask married people (or people in solitary confinement). You don't see them packing it all in and heading to their own studio apartments because being alone is so fantastic. Human beings were not meant to live life by themselves. The human race would die out now if that were really true. I'm sick to death of hearing it, I've been hearing it my whole life. Be happy with yourself! Be happy being alone! When am I finally alone enough to have love?? Oh that's right, when I'm finally married! Because then I will have succeeded at being the best, most contentedly alone human being alive. Because only when you truly love being alone does he turn up! That's the secret they knew and you didn't! Ugh! For the record: being alone is scary, heartbreaking, exhausting and meaningless. Most of us are trying to avoid it all the time. It can be enjoyable, but only if you experience it as "me time" in the context of a good friend group, community, fulfilling work life, and yes a partnership. That misery of truly being alone in the world is what propels us humans to seek each other. They're called human needs, and we all have them. They are not to be conquered, they are to be met.
I also like how she described our lives as sort of a broken record of what was going on when we were in our early 20s. Life moved on into "real adulthood" for married people, yet we are still kind of living the same lives. I have tried to put my finger on why I feel like I still just got out of college, on why I feel so jealous and resentful of the 25 year olds I know who are getting married instead of writing their online dating profiles. On why I really am starting to hate holidays where my family members seem to be doing nothing but moving ahead on the marriage/kid/wealth/house track, and I have nothing new to report, just like the last 10 Christmases. You do begin to feel like everyone knows some secret you don't know, and you do feel like you just don't know how to be "an adult." Yo don't feel like you've really grown up, and everybody else did. They know the secret, you don't. So get to reading!
The other thing I loved is she got honest about the so called "greatness" of these married people. I have to say, I have one single friend in my life in my age group (there is only one) who is going through a breakup right now, and she dang near tops the list in terms of awesomeness. I'm not kidding. When you spend your time reading, developing yourself, doing exactly what you love, making good money, spending your money on yourself, and learning tough life lessons rather than getting what you want all the time or running the kids to soccer, you become REALLY fabulous. Her emotional capability, wisdom, and breadth of life experience are absolutely amazing. She's wonderful to talk to, she understand so many situations in life. Nothing really shocks her, so she's really understanding when sh%^ hits the fan too. How many 6-figure soccer moms do you lean on when the going gets really tough in life? When you're in a crazy situation and life has brought you to your knees? Who do you call? Now that I think about it, the married friends I really connect with all had windy, rocky roads in life too. The people who slid into the 6-figure, husband and 2 kids-home base at 26 or earlier and haven't had a problem since aren't generally who I rely on for emotional support or advice when I really need it.
I appreciate this book very much. I don't know what to say about all the other ones I've read out there. Be more bitchy, have a career, dress better, be more French, if you've read this review chances are you've read the ones I'm talking about, you know what I mean. Maybe they will end up helping me, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe they have all made me into a fake projection of self-help advice and French scarf styles and I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't that. Who knows. But, maybe I can do as she suggests and enjoy all the things I improved about myself, and just drop the whole "will this get me a man" part of it all. Anyway, I wish luck and good fortune to all my single sisters out there. I know you're sick of being single, you want to find your soulmate and fall in love, And I know you're awesome even if you're lonely, eating off paper plates alone tonight in the "wrong" shoes.
This funny, well-written rebuttal to the most popular bits of self-help advice gives women hope and permission to stop working so hard trying to "fix" themselves to find love. Eckel manages to find something original and useful to say on this tired topic. But she stops short of syruppy advice and gives us a smart and useful perspective that makes everyone feel better, whether you are coupled or looking.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Take a break from driving yourself crazy with self blame and have a laugh, you deserve it.