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It's OK That You're Not OK Paperback – October 1, 2017

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 11,001 ratings

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As seen in THE NEW YORK TIMES • READER'S DIGEST • SPIRITUALITY & HEALTH • HUFFPOST
 
Featured on NPR's RADIO TIMES and WISCONSIN PUBLIC RADIO

When a painful loss or life-shattering event upends your world, here is the first thing to know:
there is nothing wrong with grief. “Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form,” says Megan Devine. “It is a natural and sane response to loss.”
 
So, why does our culture treat grief like a disease to be cured as quickly as possible?
 
In
It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we try to help others who have endured tragedy. Having experienced grief from both sides―as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner―Megan writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss, love, and healing. She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal, “happy” life, replacing it with a far healthier middle path, one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it. In this compelling and heartful book, you’ll learn:
 
• Why well-meaning advice, therapy, and spiritual wisdom so often end up making it harder for people in grief
• How challenging the myths of grief―doing away with stages, timetables, and unrealistic ideals about how grief should unfold―allows us to accept grief as a mystery to be honored instead of a problem to solve
• Practical guidance for managing stress, improving sleep, and decreasing anxiety without trying to “fix” your pain
• How to help the people you love―with essays to teach us the best skills, checklists, and suggestions for supporting and comforting others through the grieving process
 
Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged, dismissed, and misunderstood by a culture that wants to “solve” grief. Megan writes, “Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution.” Through stories, research, life tips, and creative and mindfulness-based practices, she offers a unique guide through an experience we all must face―in our personal lives, in the lives of those we love, and in the wider world.
 
It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a book for grieving people, those who love them, and all those seeking to love themselves―and each other―better.


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Get to know this book


From the Publisher

It's OK That You're Not OK

A book for grieving people and those who love them

It's OK That You're Not OK

Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

This book provides a path to rethink our relationship with grief. It encourages readers to see their grief as a natural response to death and loss, rather than an aberrant condition needing transformation. By shifting the focus from grief as a problem to be solved to an experience to be tended, we give the reader what we most want for ourselves: understanding, compassion, validation, and a way through the pain.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK shows readers how to live with skill and compassion during their grief, but it isn’t just a book for people in pain: this book is about making things better for everyone. All of us are going to experience deep grief or loss at some point in our lives. All of us are going to know someone living great loss. Loss is a universal experience.

It's OK That You're Not OK

It's OK That You're Not OK

It's OK That You're Not OK

It's OK That You're Not OK

Navigating Early Grief

Explore the cultural and historical reluctance to feel grief. And while it won’t change anything inside your loss, hearing your personal experience set against the wider, broken culture can help shift things somehow, offer needed acknowledgment of how hard this really is.

Tools for Living in Your Grief

Exercises to help you manage the mental, emotional, even physical side effects related to your loss, and find tiny windows of calm where things aren’t all better, but they are somewhat easier to carry.

Rallying Your Support Team

Learn how to help a grieving friend as well as how to offer your friends and loved ones guidance on how they can best support you in your grief.

The Community of After

Dive into the ways we find true support and companionship inside loss, and the ways that pain—and love—get integrated into a life lived alongside loss.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a place of profound loss and the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never again be.” ―Jonathan Fields, author of How to Live a Good Life, founder of Good Life Project

“Megan Devine has captured the grief experience: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be honored. She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the book I’ve been waiting for for 30 years―the one I can recommend to any newly bereaved parent, widow, widower, or adult grieving a death.” ―Donna Schuurman, senior director of advocacy and training at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families

“In this beautifully written offering for our broken hearts, Megan Devine antidotes the culture’s messed up messages about bearing the unbearable. We don’t have to apologize for being sad! Grief is not a disease from which we must be cured as soon as possible! Rather, the landscape of loss is one of the holiest spaces we can enter. Megan serves as our fearless, feisty, and profoundly compassionate guide.” ―Mirabai Starr, translator of Dark Night of the Soul: John of the Cross and author of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation

“This book is POWERFUL. Too many grief books focus on ‘getting over it,’ but this book says: ‘Look grief in the eye. Sit with it.’ It’s OK That You’re Not OK comes at grief with no flinching. It’s intelligent and honest. It’s a message that everyone who has ever dealt with loss needs to read.” ―Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book

“Our current cultural norms surrounding death render us incapable of dealing with grief authentically and result in unknowingly causing more hurt and suffering to not only ourselves, but the people we care about most. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the perfect how-to manual to help heal and support ourselves, each other, and our death-avoidant society.” ―Sarah Chavez, executive director of The Order of the Good Death

“Megan Devine knows grief intimately: she’s a therapist and a widow. In this wonderfully honest and deeply generous book, Devine confronts the reality of grieving and reminds us that ‘love is the thing that lasts.” ―Jessica Handler, author of Invisible Sisters: A Memoir and Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief and Loss

“Megan Devine’s hard-won wisdom has the power to normalize and validate the experience of grief. If you’re tired of being asked, ‘Are you better now?’ read this book for a fresh perspective.” ―Chris Guillebeau, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit

“Grief support and understanding that is heartfelt, straightforward, and wise.” ―Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a wise and necessary book. Megan Devine offers a loving, holistic, and honest vision of what it means to ‘companion each other inside what hurts.” ―Steve Edwards, author of Breaking into the Backcountry

“In a culture that leaves us all woefully unprepared to navigate grief, Megan Devine’s book is a beacon for a better way of relating. It’s OK That You’re Not OK shows us the path to be companions, rather than saviors, to loved ones who are experiencing deep pain. This book should be required reading for being human.” ―Kate McCombs, relationship educator and creator of Tea & Empathy events

“Megan Devine tells the truth about loss, and in doing so, she normalizes an experience that has been censored and stigmatized. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is enormously comforting and validating. Through her life work―and now this important book―Megan leads us to a place that’s rare in our culture: a place where our loss is valued and honored and heard.” ―Tré Miller Rodríguez, author of Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir

“One of the hardest things about going through hard times is trying to get and give support. In It’s OK That You’re Not OK Megan Devine guides us through tough times with grace. With loving acceptance and compassion, Megan is the new, warm perspective you need.” ―Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate and behavioral investigator at ScienceofPeople.com

“Megan Devine shows us that rather than treat grief as an illness to recover from, we can approach it with warmth and understanding. This is an invaluable book.” ―Rene Denfeld, bestselling author of The Enchanted and The Child Finder

“This book is the radical take on grief we all need. Megan Devine breaks apart stereotypes and societal expectations that layer additional suffering on top of the intense heartbreak of loss. For those in grief, these words will bring comfort and a deep sense of recognition. With precise language, insightful reflections, and easy-to-implement suggestions, this book is a flashlight for finding a way in the darkest times. For anyone looking to support others in their grief, this is required reading!” ―Jana DeCristofaro, coordinator of Children’s Grief Services, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families

About the Author

Megan Devine is a writer, speaker, and advocate for emotional change on a cultural level. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology. Since the tragic loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief support. Her contributions via her site Refuge in Grief have helped create sanctuary for those in pain and encouragement for those who want to help. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.

Mark Nepo is a poet and philosopher who has taught in the fields of poetry and spirituality for over 40 years. A New York Times #1 bestselling author, he has published 21 books and recorded 14 audio projects. Mark has been interviewed several times by Oprah Winfrey as part of her Super Soul Sunday TV show, and was interviewed by Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. As a cancer survivor, Mark devotes his writing and teaching to the journey of inner transformation and the life of relationship. His work has been translated into more than 20 languages. For more, see marknepo.com.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Sounds True Adult; 1st edition (October 1, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 280 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1622039076
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1622039074
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.25 x 0.75 x 8 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 11,001 ratings

About the author

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Megan Devine
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Psychotherapist and bestselling author Megan Devine is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on grief, from life-altering losses to the everyday grief that we don’t call grief. She helms a consulting practice in Los Angeles and serves as an organizational consultant for the healthcare and human resources industries. Her celebrated animations and explainers have garnered over 75 million views and are used in training programs around the world.

The best-selling book on grief in over a decade, Megan’s It’s Ok that You’re Not OK, is a global phenomenon that has been translated into more than 25 languages. Megan is an executive producer and host of the podcast It’s OK that You’re Not OK (fka: Here After with Megan Devine), and is a featured expert in the PBS documentary, Speaking Grief.

Megan is a licensed psychotherapist, and a member of the California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. She’s run a private consulting practice for more than 20 years. Her work has appeared in GQ, Harvard Business Review, Washington Post, New York Times, Stanford University, and on APM’s Marketplace.

Need help navigating grief for yourself, your clients, or your team? Megan can help.

Learn more at megandevine.co or by following @refugeingrief on IG

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
11,001 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the book very helpful, refreshing, and healing for those who want to understand grief. They also say the author presents solid, relatable knowledge of how grief can be. Readers describe the writing style as candor, easy to understand, and touching. They say the book title is accurate and the title validates that happy endings don't always exist.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

376 customers mention "Content"353 positive23 negative

Customers find the book very helpful, insightful, and practical. They also say it offers ideas and ways to go through a tragic loss. Customers also say the concept can change attitude of remembrance.

"...The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and..." Read more

"...I did find the first couple chapters elementary, but the rest of the book was excellent...." Read more

"...haven't read hundreds of other grief books as it is realistic and practical." Read more

"...provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of..." Read more

222 customers mention "Emotional tone"212 positive10 negative

Customers find the book amazing in helping them process their grief. They say it makes them feel understood, reassures them, and sees them in ways nothing can. Readers also appreciate the incredible kindness and insight of the author. They mention that the book keeps them alive and ties into therapeutic tools.

"...It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully...." Read more

"Contains writing prompts, stories from grievers, advice for self-care, etc...." Read more

"...resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding...." Read more

"...responses to your grief, you might find this book extremely helpful in feeling seen and affirmed." Read more

219 customers mention "Readability"207 positive12 negative

Customers find the writing style and candor of the book to be captivating and insightful. They say the author is knowledgeable about traditional responses and tools for dealing with grief, but also realistic. Readers also say the book helped them understand the feelings and actions they were going through. They appreciate the profound way the author writes, and find the book incredibly validating and helpful as they learn to live in the world.

"...It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully...." Read more

"...the background I have this book covers much of the basics in an easy to understand and non complicated way and then gets into the good stuff...." Read more

"...process- and this book has been by far the most comforting and validating books I’ve read about grief...." Read more

"...for those who haven't read hundreds of other grief books as it is realistic and practical." Read more

61 customers mention "Comfort"61 positive0 negative

Customers find the book comforting, realistic, and helpful for those hurting. They say it's a buoy in the storm, making them feel less isolated. Readers also mention that the pain is always acknowledged and that it helps with anxiety and all the rabbit holes that grief throws. They also say it’s gentle, loving truth and that they don’t feel rushed in healing.

"...beloved house in the process- and this book has been by far the most comforting and validating books I’ve read about grief...." Read more

"...It was a comforting read to realize I am not alone in my grief. I have actually read this book over and over...it's become my solace...." Read more

"...It is a very human book, full of grace, permission to feel, and written in a way that it does not come off as one of those 'self-help' books...." Read more

"...It also helped me feel less alone in my journey - to understand that it's my journey and it's not something to be rushed, it's organic, it will..." Read more

23 customers mention "Writing quality"0 positive23 negative

Customers find the writing quality of the book poor, with oppressive language and a very angry tone. They also say it's preachy and repetitive. Readers say it is not a good book for Christians and has poor editing.

"...These are all horrible, hurtful things to say...." Read more

"...There were times that the writing got a little “poetic”, and I struggle with that type of stylized writing...." Read more

"...It was exhausting reading about all her anger and how little credit she gave anyone who tried to be there for her...." Read more

"...Foul language in a couple of places. Will not pass on to my friends as had hoped to." Read more

Grief is a part of love.
3 Stars
Grief is a part of love.
It’s a very repetitive book about grieving. The ins and outs and ups and downs. What can be said? Grieving sucks! Don’t try to explain it away or cover it up. Experience it as it is, the way YOU need to experience it because some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. Author is allowing us on her personal grief journey and attempting to accompany us as well. Advises and directs us by her personal standpoints but realizes that we are all on our own personal journey. And this journey varies greatly depending on whom you are grieving. For me it is my Mother. There are parts in this book for me but I think it would do the most good for someone going through a sudden loss. My mother had copd and was ill for quite a while. I seen her wilting before my eyes and we both knew what was happening. The author experienced a sudden loss. Both losses are no less devastating but different. There are many undertones of anger at society and for friends and colleagues dropping the ball with trying to “fix” someone who is grieving. And I get that. But as I wrote earlier grief is not something that can be fixed. You must live in it and through it. To me personally grief feels like a wave of storms that come and go depending on the circumstances at the time. And just like the weather sometimes you need an umbrella and sometimes you just let yourself get soaked. I don’t love the book but I don’t hate it. Take what is useful for you and skim over the others. It could a life vest to some or a stumbling block to others. I am a Christian so I see death a bit differently then others might. I especially like the chapter on Love. And yes grief is part of love. It will change you and hopefully make you a more compassionate person. But let’s not be selfish in our grief. Because everyone is grieving something.
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Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2024
This book should be an instruction manual for Life, not only losing a loved one! The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully. It has been the truest reflection of everything I have felt about my life and every issue I’ve been through. I’ve experienced childhood trauma, medical and emotional difficulties, and multiple family deaths, including the sudden, unexpected loss of my 54 year old husband. I’ve never found the support I truly need from family or friends, and I’ve seen poor therapists until only recently finding, through persistence, someone valid and supportive. What I’ve felt, what I’ve received as ‘support’ from people around me, the results… all of it put me in a terrible place, with me believing so much was my fault, I was a horrible person, and I could never pick up the pieces. But when you can finally feel that you are valid in your feelings and even understand those around you, you can begin to overcome; and even eventually help others overcome in their times of need. A couple times I’ve discussed with my therapist what I’m learning from the book to get her feedback and perspective, which is always positive, and also in hopes she’ll read it because anyone can gain insight from it. Quoted from the book: “Many grieving people feel like they’re on another planet, or wish they could go to one. Somewhere there are others like them. People who understand.”
Reviewed in the United States on April 29, 2024
Before reading this, I had much more education and background on grief and grief work than most others. My go to tends to be Rando. That said, I did find the first couple chapters elementary, but the rest of the book was excellent. For anyone without the background I have this book covers much of the basics in an easy to understand and non complicated way and then gets into the good stuff. Devine draws from both research and her own personal experience with grief and shares openly. There are several different journal and/or craft prompts to help readers process grief. This is a gem.
9 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 23, 2024
I’m dealing with the loss of a 23 year marriage and the loss of my beloved house in the process- and this book has been by far the most comforting and validating books I’ve read about grief. Even though it’s written from the perspective of losing someone from death- so much resonated with me!
One person found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2024
It felt like I wrote this book myself as the author hit every feeling and emotion I feel/felt. It was a comforting read to realize I am not alone in my grief. I have actually read this book over and over...it's become my solace. This is the only read that has helped me since my husband passed away too young.

The part of just not wanting to be here anymore was spot on. I wake up and still do at times just annoyed that I actually woke up. I just don't want to be here anymore. That doesn't mean I want to commit suicide, I just don't want to be here. It was so comforting to read that the author felt the same way.

What I have learned in dealing with grief, is that if one has not experienced grief, they just don't get it...they don't realize that your heart actually physically hurts, that grief is exhausting, it sucks the life out of us and we just have to learn to live with it. There is no getting over grief. You will hear things like, "You are stuck in grief!" "You have been grieving too long" "Get over it" or this ridiculous statement that my own Mother told my 11 year old son..."You are not the only one who has lost a parent". People are just so insensitive because they don't know and they should only realize how lucky they are to not be a member of this specialized club.

I come back to this book often...when I need to feel not so alone.
Reviewed in the United States on February 5, 2024
Contains writing prompts, stories from grievers, advice for self-care, etc. This might be helpful for those who haven't read hundreds of other grief books as it is realistic and practical.
9 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on October 3, 2017
I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space.

The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant.

I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one.

I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.
1,513 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Muy bueno
Reviewed in Mexico on August 19, 2023
Altamente recomendable.
Christine J.
5.0 out of 5 stars True and Honest
Reviewed in Canada on April 8, 2023
This is one of the best books I've read since losing my 25 year old son. (Motorcycle accident).
The author expresses so many of the same emotions I just couldn't put into words. I could relate to so many things she would describe. Being able to relate on this level is truly healing, she offered explanations that make sense and offers a new way of looking at things.
I love this book so much I have it on audiobook also so I can listen to it as a refresher.
100% recommended for anyone who has lost a loved one and is struggling with their grief.
I hope this review helps those in need of finding this amazing book.
Hugs
Ryan's mom 4ever25
24 people found this helpful
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Priscila F.
5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
Reviewed in Brazil on August 26, 2022
This book is simply amazing!! I highly recommend it.
Mr D.
5.0 out of 5 stars Thankyou
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 31, 2024
Thankyou for writing this book. Little has brought me comfort but I felt heard and acknowledged through the pages. Life saving wisdom in these pages. Tools to reduce the devastating chaos and in small chunks when that’s all you can manage.
One person found this helpful
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Marie
5.0 out of 5 stars perfect
Reviewed in Germany on March 22, 2024
This has helped me gather myself after my husband passed to the other side