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About Joe Eliseon
As for biographical data, I grew up outside of Boston, Mass. (I like the solemnity of the old abbreviation better than the sterile "MA" forced on us late in the '60s. I believe the introduction of zip codes heralded the fall of civilization.) I remember going to college. Then things went blank. I woke up one day in an office far above Park Avenue in Manhattan, NYC. I looked up at the wall behind my head. There was my name, in Latin, scrawled across a diploma. I was a lawyer!
I swear, I didn't mean it. I don't know how it happened.
OK, so I'm exaggerating a little.
Anyway, you've got to make the best of things. When you come right down to it, being a lawyer isn't that much different from writing fiction. Never one for half-measures, I decided to go whole hog and become an author.
So, I wrote "The Seamless Web," which is based on my experiences as a New York lawyer. OK, so I exaggerated a little there, too. But not as much as you might think. If you want to go to law school, you might do well to read SW first. Then, again, you might not. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.
"D.P.W.," my second novel, is a prolonged parable about power and politics. It's the tale of a low-level municipal employee who gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and becomes the target of a federal investigation into political corruption. Determined not to roll over, he tries to protect himself by becoming the best and biggest crook he can be. Things get out of hand when he acquires a mysterious mentor who develops his unsuspected natural talent for politics.
Then there's my "Snarkey & Putts, Paranormal Attorneys-At-Law" series. As you've probably noticed, my first two novels aren't easily pigeon-holed. Most books about lawyers are thrillers or mysteries. If you've ever been a lawyer, you are painfully aware that thrills and mysteries are in short supply. To think that they are the stuff of legal work is to indulge in fantasy. But, in looking for a more conventional genre where I could hang my author's hat, it occurred to me that I should go whole-hog for fantasy. Novels about the paranormal are popular; books about paranormal detectives are everywhere. I asked myself, why should detectives have the field all to themselves? It's like Paul Drake going out on his own without Perry Mason.
That's how "Snarkey & Putts" was born. The team started off in a novella about a fake séance that goes awry, "The Case of the Undead Arbitrator." Then they went novel-length in their second story, a tale of copyright infringement from beyond the grave, "The Case of the Ghastly Ghostwriter." As of this writing, I've just published their third adventure on Amazon Kindle, a mixture of gypsy curses, werewolves and eminent domain, "The Case of the Canine's Curse." I've got a fourth story in the conceptual stage, dealing with immigration law and a mythological monster. There's no end to this legal/paranormal duo in sight.
Currently, I'm working on the second draft of my fifth novel, a mélange of dreamy childhood memories and gritty, coming-of-age drama flavored with a touch of fantasy, "Mr. Lake." It's like Mario Puzo writing a full-length "Leave It to Beaver" movie.
If you want to check out free samples of my writing, you can use the "Look Inside" feature on my Amazon book pages or, even better...
Visit my websight at http://joeeliseonauthor.com/, where I've posted more than a dozen free stories. That'll get you started.
You might also consider shelling out a mere $0.99 to read my short story collection, "Five Minutes More and Other Stories." I'd appreciate it and you'll enjoy it.
You can follow me on Twitter, my favorite social media, at "@JoeEliseon." I'm also on Facebook and Goodreads but, I've got to admit, I don't have the time to pay them much attention.
But I'm more than willing to take the time to pay you some attention. You can email me at email@example.com. I answer.
Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to hearing from you.
"This is why you owe me money."Jack Snarkey, the oiliest of lawyers, explains it one more time to his hapless junior partner, R. Andrew "Andy" Putts, III, Esq. Their two-man law firm's Operating Agreement sounds fair, but no matter which way you turn through its maze of subsections and subparagraphs and incorporations by reference, one thing never changes: at the end of the month, Putts ends up with the short end of the financial stick.
This month, Putts has only one chance to bring home the bacon - the big fee he and Snarkey expect for handling the Menninger arbitration case. Their clients, two old-biddy spinster sisters, May and June Menninger, are fighting with their even older spinster sister, April, over their late father's substantial estate. If only Putts can get the arbitrator, the sympathetic but slow-as-molasses Judge Arnold S. Levine (ret.), to issue his long-delayed arbitration decision, maybe he can make some money.
But the old judge dies and leaves no decision - zip! nada! He never wrote one word.
They've got to do the whole arbitration over again. It'll take more than a year. The clients are furious, impatient. Snarkey has no intention of doing twice the work for the same, single fee. Putts is broke and desperate.
Then Snarkey gets an idea - hold a séance! All three of the Menninger sister believe in the spirit world. All three believe you can communicate with the spirits of the dead. All he has to do is convince April's legal counsel to go along with the scam and voila! all the lawyers collect their fees and put this pain-in-the-neck case to bed.
All Snarkey needs is a fall-guy, someone to play the part of the medium, someone fair, likeable, trustworthy...
Who else but that built-in, made-to-order, pasty-faced patsy, Putts?!!!
So their scheme begins. But Snarkey's phony "arbitration" session gets out of hand. Putts turns out to possess unsuspected talents. All hell breaks loose - literally!
Can Putts contain the restless spirits? Can Snarkey collect their fee? Can you stop laughing?
You can only find out if you're there at ground zero, at the birth of a new legal specialty. Come along on the first of the riotous, rollicking, sidesplitting adventures of Snarkey & Putts, Paranormal Attorneys-At-Law. Buy The Case of the Undead Arbitrator now!
The doctor plunged into Putts’ personal space. “I am not agitated over my cousin, Mr. Putts. I am agitated because I am connected not to one, but two murders. I am facing professional disgrace and financial ruin. These things would agitate any rational person. They would agitate you, Mr. Putts.”
The entrepreneurial Sanjay Arapura, M.D., is…, er…, agitated. People connected to his medical practice and his doughnut franchise are showing up skinned and slightly eaten. Lucky his partner in Ara-Chin Medical Testing, biologist Olivia Chin, Ph.D., is the main squeeze of the bachelor half of Snarkey & Putts, Paranormal Attorneys-At-Law.
Responding to the doctor’s frantic call for help, Snarkey and Putts learn that a potential malpractice claim is only one of the doctor’s worries. His real fear is that his malpractice insurance premiums will skyrocket, cratering his credit score and stampeding the greedy venture capitalists he’s courting to invest in Ara-Chin.
Further complications arise when Putts witnesses a weird family squabble between the doctor and his cousin, Raji, who “owns” the doctor’s doughnut franchise. Putts discovers that the franchise is only the tip of the doctor’s money-making iceberg, a vast enterprise that finances Indian immigrants and turns them into doughnut-frying indentured servants.
But something sinister has followed the immigrants to America. Putts’ psychic mentors, the Menninger sisters, warn him of a dangerous presence lurking about the doctor and his cousin, a man-eating demon out of Hindu mythology, an evil spirit that Putts, despite his extrasensory abilities, can neither see nor sense.
As the body count grows and more partially eaten corpses come to light, Putts fears for the safety of his family and struggles to understand why he can’t sense the demon. But he knows that all the victims are tied to a lecture given by the first victim, a philosophy professor named Desmond, a lecture attended by Dr. Arapura and Olivia.
"Was it a date?" asks Snarkey. But Putts wants to know what the lecture was about and whether Desmond’s philosophical beliefs somehow put him on the menu. Could ideas really have consequences? Or will truth be smothered by Bavarian Cream filling?
Find out when Snarkey and Putts take on The Case of the Unchained Immigrant!
Joe Eliseon is back with a humorous, fantastic collection of two novellas, a novelette, and two short stories, all exploring life as seen through young boys’ eyes.
The Reincarnation of Lou Gehrig – A boy’s summer of baseball, model rockets, family and friends is interrupted by the sudden intrusion of ultimate evil, in the person of his best pal.
The Mystery of Ambrose Pouter – To prove himself to a smart-aleck muffin-baking girl, a brainy, young boy goes blueberry-picking on a high, rocky ledge, where he encounters his brawny rival for the juvenile femme fatale’s affection. Did he fall? Was he pushed? Or was it something too awful to believe?
The Molasses Man – In the middle of a heat wave, a slow-as-molasses handyman tempts a sickly youngster to become as slow as he is. Will the boy give in to the heat and the temptation? Or will some timely advice turn him around?
Never Tell A Rabbit To Bring A Friend – A children’s story, in which a young boy ignores his know-it-all sister’s bossy warning, feeds a wild rabbit, and learns a hard truth about multiplication.
Down The Cape – A youngster comes of age when his grandfather’s seaside summer cottage is hit by a sudden, driving gale and everything in his young life changes.
"Childhood is a gift. That gift is mostly a cleared space where it can be lived and played. Children can't clear that space. Only adults can. But you can't clear out all the lions and tigers and bears because, if you do, the kids won't have anyone to play with." -Joe Eliseon
Six short stories by Joe Eliseon:
Five Minutes More - A young lawyer encounters a gorgeous ghost haunting his law firm; at least he thinks she's a ghost.
The New God - An ordinary guy applies for a position as a god, but has trouble finding the right sponsor.
The Three Pillars - A re-telling of an ancient myth about the foundation of a well-known island.
The Dog's Tale - An earthy folktale story my grandfather loved to tell.
TheTransporter - An engineer worries that his breakthrough technology will destroy men's souls, his own included.
The Truth - A little fable about an old man and a young one.
Billy was my best friend and the last guy on earth I wanted to see.
Joe Marino’s in trouble, as much trouble as a public school kid can get into in the 6th grade in the autumn of 1966. Mr. Lake’s his school’s janitor. Lake always parks his beat-up Volkswagen in front of his run-down cottage across the street from the school’s playground. In an afterschool pickup game, Joe breaks Lake’s windshield with a line drive. Joe and his pals run away.
Upon reconsideration after a strapping by his father, Joe volunteers to make it up to Mr. Lake by cleaning up Lake’s front yard for three whole Saturdays. He’ll never get the job done with Billy Harwell helping him.
But Billy’s the one who notices that strange-looking cat in Mr. Lake’s tree, hovering threateningly over Joe’s sleeping dog, Ginger. Billy’s got a wild imagination. He thinks it’s some kind of lizard-like devil cat. He thinks it’s thrown a hex over Ginger. Joe’s not worried. Ginger’s never met a cat she couldn’t kill.
Joe does get worried when he can’t wake Ginger up, when she’s nothing but dead weight in his arms until Mr. Lake calls the cat inside. Then the dog’s back to normal. Weird? Absolutely! As weird as Billy? Maybe.
Joe’s willing to let sleeping dogs lie, as long as they wake up again. But, on the way home, he and Billy get into a brawl with the neighborhood bad boy, Larry Tucci. Billy loudmouths his story about the devil cat to Larry, who naturally wants to go back to investigate. Joe doesn’t like the idea, but when Larry threatens to beat Billy to a pulp, he goes along.
As dusk falls, the three boys sneak up to Mr. Lake’s kitchen window. They can’t agree on what they see inside but, whatever it is, it triggers a series of cascading circumstances that suck the boys into voodoo, street gang crime, paranormal Arthurian adventure, and a dreaded trip to the principal’s office.
Come back with us, now, to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when dogs went unleashed, grade school kids roamed their towns unsupervised, no one knew where you were after school let out, and the doorway to a realm of wild fantasy and imagination hung open on every bus stop. Lace up your Keds, gulp down a Baby Ruth, stick your pocket knife in your pocket and prepare to meet Mr. Lake.
“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?” So R. Andrew Putts III, Esq. accuses the over-ambitious, over-aggressive but entirely underhanded Jack Snarkey, Putts’ fellow stakeholder in the firm of Snarkey & Putts, Paranormal Attorneys-at-Law. Jack denies it. He’s been listening to every word Putts says. Too bad nothing Putts says is important.
But courting a new client is important. Snarkey’s set his mercenary sights on real-estate magnate, Eliot Babington, the ruthless and reclusive head of an old New England Yankee family and all its old New England Yankee money. Eliot seldom leaves the grounds of the family estate in the small but upscale New England seaport town of Hoarchester-By-The-Sea. He dwells there above the rocky coast alone, brooding over the vast Babington family fortune in a medieval castle imported stone-by-stone from Europe by a nineteenth-century robber-baron ancestor. Almost no one gets to see him…
Except for the one chink in his armor, his elder sister and real-estate partner, Glynnis Alden. She frequents Babington Castle, but she won’t stay there at night. Putts once did a good turn for Glynnis and her cozy mystery writers’ group, the No-Talent Dames. Now, Snarkey uses her to wheedle himself into a dinner with Eliot. He offers to win her rich brother’s business by demonstrating that he’s as lean, mean and low-down as Eliot himself.
Snarkey will do whatever dirty work Eliot wants. Throw the Babingtons’ poor, old, childhood nanny out of her house and into the street? Just say the word and Jack Snarkey will do it. Or, to be more precise…
He’ll make Putts do it. But when the firm’s hapless minority stakeholder tries to serve the eviction notice, he finds himself on the receiving end of a hellish Gypsy curse.
But, curse or no curse, Snarkey proves himself a man after Eliot’s own stone cold heart, muscling aside the Babingtons’ elderly real-estate counsel and moving in on the family business. When Eliot unveils a massive real-estate scheme to take hundreds of city blocks by eminent domain, he assigns Snarkey the job of throwing thousands of helpless residents out of their homes. Putts discovers one of those luckless residents is none other than April Menninger, Putts’ tutor in the arcane and eldest of the Menninger sisters, longtime clients of the firm. An ugly conflict of interest rears its head, threatening to tear the legal pair apart.
Snarkey tries to shut Putts up, but Putts can’t keep his ethical concerns to himself. He confronts Eliot, triggering a violent free-for-all that leaves Snarkey beaten and bloody on the conference room floor and their shapely, blonde paralegal, Adele, recruited away – or maybe kidnapped – by the enraged tycoon.
Why can’t Eliot have his dog’s temperament? The giant, gray, playful, wolf-like animal roams the grounds of Babington Castle, often licking Putts like a popsicle and always protecting Glynnis.
But what’s the curious canine protecting her from? Why won’t Glynnis tell Putts the dog’s name? Where has Adele disappeared to? Why is Snarkey’s five o’clock shadow coming in at 2:00 P.M.? And what’s stopping Putts from contacting any of his spirit “friends” on the other side?
Big law, big money, big dogs and big laughs expose the terrible enchantment plaguing their clients when Snarkey and Putts tackle The Case of the Canine’s Curse.
"Much as some may hate to admit it, we’re writers… mystery writers.” So Glynnis Alden, senior member of a struggling, amateur authors’ group, “The No-Talent Dames,” admits to lawyer R. Andrew Putts, III, Esq., the psychically-enabled half of Snarkey & Putts, L.L.C., Paranormal Attorneys-at-Law. Glynnis and the Dames have a problem: someone’s stealing their ideas - right out of their heads! Not one of them can finish a book. Their minds go blank, always at the same point in their plots. Then, mysteriously, their ideas somehow appear incarnated in blockbuster novels written by A-List authors and published by big-time publishing houses. Glynnis and her outraged Dames claim copyright infringement. They want Putts to take their case and sue somebody’s pants off!
But copyright law doesn’t protect ideas, only their expression in a tangible medium, Putts tries to explain. All to no avail, because the Dames won’t take “no” for an answer. Neither will Putts’ majority shareholder, Jack Snarkey, who smells big-money clients among the Dames’ upper-crust families.
Putts needs a legal theory that will convince a court to protect the thoughts in people’s heads. Researching in the unpublished writings of his long-deceased law school copyright professor, Putts discovers the forgotten draft of the Professor’s last law review article. It reveals that Professor Vaughn had developed just such a theory based on his much-ridiculed search for a law student with E.S.P.
But then, in the deepest bowels of his old law school’s library, Putts learns that the professor’s death was no accident. It was murder, hushed-up by the law school administration. The Professor conveniently perished before he could publish.
How could Putts guess that his meddling would bring the Professor’s ghost back from the grave, demanding that Putts vindicate his old theory and remove the stain on his academic reputation? There’s only one way to do it. Putts must track down the Professor’s murderer and the Dames’ infringer.
Putts uncovers strange, otherworldly links between the two crimes, culminating in an attempt to exorcize a bizarre specter who’s been plaguing the Dames. When the attempt backfires and the specter kidnaps Glynnis Alden, it’s Jack Snarkey who realizes that their only recourse is to seek injunctive relief in a purgatorial court and Putts must call the Professor from the afterlife as an expert witness.
Hellfire, damnation and the four requisites for injunctive relief all combine in a climactic, laugh-compelling courtroom scene in this first novel-length Snarkey & Putts paranormal legal adventure. Get your intellectual property in order withSnarkey & Putts, Paranormal Attorneys-At-Law, Book II: The Case of the Ghastly Ghostwriter. Buy it now!
"Affluent citizen in distress. Affluent citizen in distress. Elmo, where the hell are you?" The wipers strained to push the thick, wet snow across the truck's windshield. "I think we got a live one here. *** I can spot 'em a mile away. This guy's good for a fifty, at least."
The voice belongs to Big John Kaboshiwicz, snow-plow jockey, small-time shakedown artist, and long-time public employee in the City's Department of Public Works. John's about to lower the boom on another hapless taxpayer. Grease John's palm and you'll get your driveway cleared, your dead battery jumped or your backed-up sewer cleaned. Fail to come up with the scratch and you go to the back of the line. Or worse.
That's the way the D.P.W. works in this town. John rules his corner of it like a tin-pot dictator. Sure, he's crooked. But aren't we all? Besides, John's only looking for nickels and dimes. He's no bloodsucking banker, no Wall Street speculator, no corporate fat-cat, no greedy political hack. He's just a little guy trying to do his job, make a buck, and keep everyone happy.
Until the target letter lands on his desk. It's from the United States Attorney. All of a sudden, John's in the cross-hairs of a high-profile federal grand jury probe into municipal corruption.
Stunned, scared, angry, John asks, "Why me?" Sure, he's got his fingers in the till. But he's a nobody. Why make a federal case out of him? Why not go after the real crooks, the big guys?"
John runs for help to his former supervisor and mentor, Merkle, a strange, shriveled old man who lives alone in a run-down shack back in the D.P.W.'s equipment yard. Merkle explains that John's a target precisely because he is small.
His back against the wall, John vows to save himself by becoming the biggest crook he can be. But how?
Merkle tells him. He teaches John about the Four Rules that make men big. He reveals three. But he holds back the Fourth Rule. John, he says, isn't ready for it.
But three are enough. John plunges ahead, grafting and stealing more and more. The Feds back off. Merkle's rules seem to work.
Then the roof caves in. The Mayor calls John on the carpet for thousands of dollars worth of missing D.P.W. equipment. John's close to panic when a chance encounter reveals the Fourth Rule.
The last secret in hand, John turns the tables on the Mayor. Cobbling together forgotten city garbage ordinances and new federal anti-terror statutes, John convinces His Honor to create an elite team of environmental commandos within the D.P.W., the D.P.W. Special Forces, under John's command and fully-funded by the Department of Defense.
John launches a wave of green terror across the City, bashing polluters, beguiling the media, seducing the environmental activists. But, at the same time, he's overwhelming the opposition, undermining the Mayor, and lining his pockets.
And, wherever John goes, Merkle is always close by, lurking in the shadows, his withered finger in everything.
How far can John go? Will Washington cut off his cash? Will the D.O.D. take back his military weapons? Will the U.S.
"Roselli!" The voice screeched over the receiver like a drill press biting into a block of steel. "Can't you ever answer your phone on the first ring?"
It's the '80s in a Park Avenue law firm...
Young, bright, ambitious, Pete Roselli cringes on the telephone when he hears the voice of Jack Berman, senior partner in charge of professional life and death. Jack can make you or break you and he wants Pete to come up with a winning argument for a client who's clearly in the wrong or kiss his legal career goodbye. Long into the night, Pete searches the computer databases, but no law supports Jack. Pete is panicking when...
The incredible happens...
In the '80s, computerized legal research is new, security lax, encryption not even invented. Accidentally, Pete gains access to the database. Suddenly, he can input his own cases. He can write his own law! But wait! For Pete, the law has always given him and the entire legal profession whatever dignity they had. Does he dare twist it out of shape to serve his own selfish purposes? Well, it is the 80s, the decade of greed and...
Pete's legal ethics fly out the window...
Pete tells himself he'll only do it once, just to survive. But when his phoney legal research wins the case, he suddenly goes from whipping boy to boy wonder. Now he's a rising star at the firm, but he owes it all to his legal research counterfeiting skills. He's trapped and his life spins out of control. Can he find a way out? Can he mend the holes he's torn in the law's Seamless Web?
For far less than it costs to get your lawyer to open his briefcase...
Laugh at the whole legal profession as Pete dodges through the maze of law firm politics, courtroom shenanigans, partnership plotting and support staff scheming. Whether you love or hate lawyers, for less than the cost of courthouse parking, you can get the hilarious compensation you deserve. What are you waiting for? A judicial order? Buy The Seamless Web Full Edition now!
Last call for the '80s in a Park Avenue law firm...
Young Pete Roselli has catapulted himself into the partnership of a big New York City law firm through sheer skulduggery. Pete's learned how to break into the new electronic legal research databases and counterfeit legal cases. He can make the law say whatever he wants. Suddenly, he's a top man, a go to guy, a power player! But all is not peaches and cream in the land of milk and honey...
Pete's life goes spinning out of control...
When Pete's secretary files a sexual harassment complaint against him, the firm's damage control team swings into decisive and hilarious action. Pete's mentor and senior partner, the irascible Jack Berman, wants answers to questions nobody dares ask: Is it a conspiracy? Who's behind it? What about that hard-nosed feminist D.A. whose been on Pete's trail? Is it her? How do we buy her off? Pete's career is hanging in the balance, but he really has nothing to worry about because...
Jack has a plan...
To save the firm's reputation, all Jack has to do is fire Pete, then hire him back later. Of course, Pete must sit through an official disciplinary hearing to decide whether or not he should be disbarred. But Jack's got that under control, sort of. Then Pete's got to find another way to earn a living for a while. But Jack's got something up his sleeve to handle that, too, sort of...
Hit the bricks with Pete...
Our young hero wanders the avenues and boulevards of 1980s New York City on a riotous quest for employment, vindication and legal redemption. Can he get control of his life? Can he stitch up the holes he's torn in the law's Seamless Web? Can he get a job? Can he survive his interviews in rival law firms? In academia? In the food wholesaling industry?
Time for final arguments...
The case is in. The parties have rested. Time to muster the facts and sum things up. Has Pete carried his burden of proof on the issues of law, love, laughter, life and death? The judge's final instructions to you, the jury, are to retire to the jury room, deliberate, laugh out loud and render your verdict by getting The Seamless Web Part 4.
It's still the '80s in a Park Avenue law firm...
Thanks to his ability to hack into the new electronic legal databases, Pete Roselli has rocketed from lowly associate attorney to the heights of big law firm partnership. But his problems have only begun. Now that Pete's a big shot, the firm's chief partner, ill-tempered, foul-mouthed Jack Berman, puts Pete in charge of his most fiendish project. It's a wild real estate scheme that will change the face of New York City and give Jack total control of the firm and a big slice of the national economy.
All Pete has to do is defraud a client or two...
But fraud is a piece of cake compared to the rest of Pete's "To Do" list. First, he's got to negotiate a secret energy deal with some gun-toting Kentucky coal miners. Then he's got to contend with a fanatic Hong Kong free marketeer who wants to go toe-to-toe with the People's Republic. Finally, he's got to keep an eye on Jack's hired muscle, a huge Swedish thug whose faultless manners mask his eagerness to put the arm on anyone who stands in Jack's way.
But the danger of international intrigue pales beside the chaos of Pete's love life...
Pete's love life takes a nosedive when his spectacularly sexy receptionist girlfriend creates a scandal that threatens his career. What else can she do but blame Pete? Into the breach leaps his loyal secretary, who's whipped her formerly flabby body into world-class shape so she can keep Pete's mind on the law. At the same time, the sensuous wife of his worst enemy stalks Pete, planning to twist him around her jealous finger so she can stick it in her husband's roving eye.
Wing-tipped lunatics, maniacs and clowns clash...
It's driving poor Pete crazy: all the maneuvering at the Annual Firm Outing, over the associates' yearly salary reviews, the impact of supply-side economics, love, sex, romance, electronic eavesdropping, cardiac arrest and airline deregulation. It's enough to give him nightmares and it does, when he dreams that Jack assigns him to fire the firm's only perfect associate.
The only injunction is to laugh out loud...
Violations of which will lead to the imposition of treble damages in the form of hiccoughing, spluttering and spitting up your coffee. In addition, you will be ordered to show cause why you should not be held in contempt of court should you fail without undue delay and with all deliberate speed to get The Seamless Web Part 3.