Joni Hilton

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About Joni Hilton
Did you know Hilton is also Your YouTube Mom? You can find dozens of her short videos, teaching housekeeping tips life skills to the Generation Y crowd, at bit.ly/15wMi8V.
Her comedy blog can be found at jonihilton.blogspot.com. It's called Joniopolis and also includes sections on cooking and writing.
Joni Hilton has written five award-winning plays, is the author of 20 books, and holds a Master of Fine Arts degree in Professional Writing from USC. She also has sold more than 100 articles to national magazines.
When she was seven, her mother dragged her to the doctor to find out why she spent all her time in a closet, writing. The doctor talked to Joni for a few minutes, then told her mother, "She's a writer. Leave her alone."
Hilton hosted a daily TV talk show in Los Angeles for four years, is still a TV spokeswoman across the U.S. for various corporations, and is highly in demand as a public speaker. Visit her website, jonihilton.com, for more information. You can also find Joni on Twitter: @JoniHilton.
Be sure to listen to THE JONI HILTON SHOW, streaming live at blogtalk.com/jonihilton every Thursday at 2 pm PST. Speak with Joni directly on this call-in advice show.
One of her comedy plays, "Does This Show Make My Butt Look Fat?" has just been accepted for publication by ArtAge. Her comedy, "Gifted," will be performed at the American Globe Theatre in Times Square, Manhattan, this Spring.
Award-winning "In Bed With Chuck and Lois" will be performed January 18-19, 2013, at the Arthur Newman Theatre in Palm Desert.
Her comedy, "The Christmas Triple Whammy" was just performed in Queens, New York.
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Author Updates
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Blog postYep, it’s that time of year when I do my interpretive dance at the local hardware store.
You already know I love to garden. So this is when I go to the nursery section and load up on huge bags of soil, potted plants and flats of flowers.
However, to do this I must place them on a wheeled platform called a flatbed. It has a handle, which other shoppers use to navigate up an6 days ago Read more -
Blog postYou know about Murphy. He’s he one with The Law. Or maybe it’s a she. Maybe she came up with the law, and then, fittingly, was never acknowledged as a woman, her own law in force again.
Murphy’s Law comes into my life whenever I look like a wreck. I’ve been gardening or painting or simply shlubbing around and I decide to run a quick errand.
&nb1 week ago Read more -
Blog post1. You see a tiny old woman shopping in the supermarket, and as you get closer you notice she is humming along to the store’s music, which is “Superstition.”
2. You’re out with your husband and several cashiers say, “You guys are so cute.”
3. You’re scrolling through the photos on your phone, and a younger woman says proudly, “Look at you, taking pictures with your phone!"
4. &2 weeks ago Read more -
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Blog postWe’ve all been on the phone and heard the disclaimer: “This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes.”
And yet—you have to agree with me—the quality never improves. Right? The exact same level of competence and courtesy is always maintained (which is amazing in and of itself). But if you’ve imagined a board room filled3 weeks ago Read more -
Blog postHere’s how it is. When you’re little, you have your own bed, often in your own bedroom. You have your own closet, chest of drawers, and sometimes you have your own bathroom.
And then you get married and those things are gone. Forever. Suddenly, in the sardonically named “Master Bedroom” you now share a bed and have less space than when you were two years old.
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Blog postYou are not going to believe this. I don’t believe it, and I saw it with my own eyes.
There is a weed that virtually explodes, sending out
5,000
seeds and infesting the ground as far as 10 feet away.
Its name is Bittercress (sometimes HAIRY Bittercress) and it is the bane of my existence right1 month ago Read more -
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Blog postAdmit it: You secretly (or not so secretly) wish your spouse could be more like you in some ways. Over the years, whenever I’ve noticed St. Bob adopting a habit of mine, I’ve pointed out this wonderful event.
He now likes to put the Christmas tree up early.
He’ll give a pinch of people food to the dog sometimes.
&nbs2 months ago Read more -
Blog postI love hilarious signs, and on our recent trip up California’s coast, St. Bob and I found several. This is not only an area of gorgeous crashing waves, but of cattle ranches. I like this warning sign:
Notice how they fixed it, but then left the first, misspelled one up, anyway. And the bird couldn’t care less. Then there was this one:
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Blog postSt. Bob and I just had a fabulous whale-watching trip in northern California.
We saw amazingly gorgeous scenery:
Very romantically, I suggested we sit on the edge of one of the cliffs and watch the crashing waves. (Not cliffs, just plateau edges, really.)
Bob was astonished that I would suggest something so dangero2 months ago Read more -
Blog postLots of people have cold hands, right? I have a more canine situation. My nose gets icy cold. If I go to bed before my nose warms up, it’s so cold I can’t fall asleep.
Here are my remedies, in case any of you suffer from what is undoubtedly a sign of great character:
1. Wear a Covid mask. You won’t get much oxygen, but your nose will be warm.
2. &2 months ago Read more -
Blog postI’ve told you quite a bit about our amazing cat, Simon. But now I have sad news. We lost him this week. He passed peacefully in his sleep, on a bench at the foot of our bed. We’re grateful that our church teaches we’ll have our pets again in heaven. I can only imagine the ruckus he’s stirring up there.
This is the blog I was going to post about him today, and it still brings a smile to2 months ago Read more -
Blog postCan I just stay out of the hospital for a few minutes, please? My last routine x-ray revealed two kidney stones loitering around the water fountain in one of my kidneys, and my doctor said she could blast them so they don’t become actually, raging kidney stones.
Having had those twice, I agreed. Zap ‘em while they’re not looking. So, under I went, asleep for the simple p3 months ago Read more -
Blog postLast week I treated you to my latest disaster, getting completely buried by posters that leapt from their rack in a craft store. This week I’m going to show you why I wanted one in the first place.
I decided I needed a background so I could display my Primary Bandlo. My WHAT? Yes, folks, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, little kids used to earn awards and rhinestones that c3 months ago Read more -
Blog postI was in JoAnn’s Fabrics trying to buy a poster. Easy enough, right?
Wrong. See the rack? See all the stacks of paper? Well, they can simultaneously decide to come tumbling out, just like snow on the face of a mountain.
I pulled ONE poster and dozens of them—in all colors-- came pouring over me, knocking me down and causing me to scramble abou3 months ago Read more -
Blog postLet’s start with the truth: You can’t have a second childhood if you’re still having your first one. And I have never, truly, grown up. Every week I still play with the absolutely adorable little girl who lives across the street. And her younger brother. I’ve been doing this for four years. My worry is that she will turn 10, then 15, then 20, and I’ll still be five.
Our latest exciting discovery i3 months ago Read more -
Blog postMaybe it’s because I’m adopted, but I find genetics fascinating. Someone with brown eyes could have kids with any eye color. Brown is dominant, and it can conceal lots of fun surprises.
I, on the other hand, have all recessive traits. This means I can only contribute pale, pasty skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair to my children. My tallness is also recessive (though many genes account for our heig4 months ago Read more -
Blog postI’ve been seeing numerous social media posts about huge snowfalls.
Everyone seems to be layering, sniffling, shivering, and turning up the heater. Everyone except me. I am still battling hot flashes, which makes 30 years of them now, thank you. If anyone from the Guinness Book of World Records is reading, you are welcome4 months ago Read more -
Blog postDo you have any idea how often I’m wrong? Take a guess and join my world, because you, too, will be wrong.
It’s a lot. I know that’s not a specific number, but neither is tons, gobs, heaps, or loads. And I’m not even sure I’m right about that. Maybe back in the 1400s some peasant in England decided “heaps” was an exact measurement of some kind.
&nbs4 months ago Read more -
Blog postMeet Digit, the new robot Ford has introduced, to deliver your packages. It could replace all the folks who come to your door with your Amazon orders:
The techies who invented it are, naturally, very excited. The problem is that they don’t think like regular people. And, not to be Debbie Downer, but I can’t help wondering:
4 months ago Read more -
Blog postI know Christmas is over, but in my case, the goodies linger. We are still happily chowing down on fudge, cookies, cakes and pastries. (Yes, I could have made that list longer.)
It isn’t that we’ve all had excellent willpower; it’s that we’ve accumulated a mountain of delights. I think I told you that when I was a little girl I wanted to be Queen Frostine from Candyland.
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Blog postI’ll admit it—I love shopping the after-Christmas sales. St. Bob, not so much. Recently he asked me what I was looking for.
“Impulse items,” I said.
“You mean repulse items,” he said. Ha ha ha. Little does he know how much it saves us for me to buy wrapping paper and Christmas napkins when they’re on sale. I have no problem waiting abo5 months ago Read more -
Blog postIt’s Christmastime, so it’s time for my annual gift-making disaster story. Usually it’s a craft, but this time it’s baked goods. The first idea was to make candy cane breads that would look like this:
But I doubled the recipe and made the loaves too large. Thus they looked like manatees (or fat otters) curling up for a nap together:
Not to5 months ago Read more -
Blog postYou’ve seen the socks and T-shirts that say, “I’m silently correcting your grammar,” right? Well, I am silently correcting some of the street names near me.
I told you here that I’ve actually named some streets. But I’ve never re-named a street. And this is a pity, because not far from my house is a new development that needs my help. Tell me these would not be bette5 months ago Read more -
Blog postThe three younger grown kids bought Richie, the eldest, a fabulous fountain pen for his birthday. First they sent an inkwell for him to have while he anticipates the pen’s arrival.
Richie texted, “Wow, thank you so much for the birthday present, everyone! This is just amazing. I can’t wait to write with it.” The others responded with gladness, and eagerness for him to try i5 months ago Read more -
Blog postFor Thanksgiving this year St. Bob and I went to restaurant with our eldest son, Richie. This is a recipe for comedy as I was flanked by a comedian on either side.
At least there was a ninja nearby clearing tables, so I felt somewhat safe.
We were laughing about how many times the waiter had told us his name, and Richie said maybe he waits on a lot6 months ago Read more
Titles By Joni Hilton
Sydney hates funerals (overlong programs, creepy corpses, warbly singing). But she loves gooey, cheesy funeral potatoes. And these days, between her ward and neighborhood and extended family, it seems like there’s always a funeral for the Relief Society president to attend. Not fun occasions, of course, but not terribly traumatic either—which is good, considering how crazy life is already with taking care of four little kids and one inactive brother. Ted is the lone black sheep amongst the blond-haired, blue-eyed OllerVanKeefers (rhymes with overachievers) and his lack of a testimony coupled with his lack of overall ambition has Syd concerned—perhaps a bit too concerned, given how she sometimes prays for a not-too-serious car crash to shake him up a bit. But when a real crisis hits the family and Syd sees the shadowy side of picture-perfect happiness, she realizes that she’s been praying for the wrong things, and that nobody needs to run faster than she has strength—even if (especially if) you’re a former all-state track star.
You’ll laugh out loud with this enchanting tale that will help you find the joy in your own less-than-perfect family and in life’s little comforts, like funeral potatoes.
If you’re wondering whether Joni’s sequel, Around the Ward in 80 Days, could possibly be as funny as her best-selling book, As the Ward Turns, the answer is resounding YES!
In Around the Ward in 80 Days, Andy (the enthusiastic but guilt-ridden Relief Society president) cavorts through some of the craziest adventures you can imagine, with none other than her zany homemaking leader, Edith Horvitz, at her side. This spine-tingling story takes you to Europe as Andy tries to prevent a murder in a clever, unpredictable plot.
As hilarious as it is, you'll also enjoy the powerful gospel values in this story. Joni Hilton pays loving tribute to the importance of the family, church, and solid spiritual foundation of a gospel centered life.
As funny as As the Ward Turns? Even funnier!
Join the Ten Cow Wives’ Club for lunch—a monthly ritual where five outwardly average yet inwardly eclectic women recount the fascinating events of their lives. Heather, Crystal, Ships, and Tanya have been best friends since childhood. Now, as the trials of adult life pull at the cords of their hearts, they find comfort in each other—and plenty of sound advice from their new-found “older” ally, Maxine. From the trivial to the profound, this group’s absorbing stories will carry you on a fun, and sometimes poignant ride through the awkward teen years, into the scary but thrilling world of college, and headlong into the delights and struggles of married life. With her trademark warmth and humor, Joni Hilton weaves a funny, fiercely perceptive story of romance, friendship, and forgiveness—and shows we are each a little stronger with the support of a few close friends.
The Rollicking Sequel to As the Ward Turns
Joni has done it again! In the hilarious tradition of As the Ward Turns andAround the Ward in 80 Days, Joni’s newest novel is filled with familiar characters who charge through life at a laugh-a-minute pace—and you’re invited to join in the fun!
The Taylors welcome identical triplets, and the craziness begins! Andy suffers from a case of perpetual foot-in-mouth disease, and Edith Horvitz, the hyperactive homemaking leader, is at her zaniest as the Nobel prizewinning eccentric-turned-entrepreneur who harbors an amazing secret from her past. You’ll never believe this one!
From the ward talent show, where one elderly brother literally gives a drop-dead performance, to Edith’s glow-in-the-dark mansion, to Gizmo the dog’s drug overdose, to...well, you get the picture. And Joni gets the laughs, as her uncanny wit erupts to tickle your funny-bone time and again.
The magic of Scrambled Home Evenings lies not only in its humor, but in its warm human relationships and solid gospel-centered values. Home, family, friends, church—all are important ingredients in this wonderful potpourri of laughter and love.
They’re back . . . Andy, Brian, Edith, and a host of other zany characters liven up the pages of best-selling LDS comedy writer Joni Hilton’s latest novel.
This time, Edith’s madcap adventures as the owner of a unique amusement park, Edith Land, serve as the backdrop for her unique approach to Church service. When she’s called as the new Relief Society president, nothing but full activity in the ward will satisfy her—and her revolutionary approach to reactivation is . . . well, nothing short of what you’d expect from Edith Horvitz. Who else would think of organizing a Mormon Mime Choir? Edith does—and several less active members are mimed back into the fold. In the end, Edith proves that the Lord does work in mysterious ways.
Get ready for more twists and turns than a high-speed roller coaster—and more laughs per page than your funny bone can handle, with Stop the Ward—I Want to Get Off.
As the Ward Turns is deliciously witty fiction that rings with truth. You’ll meet Andy Taylor, a Relief Society president who finds herself in so much hot water, she may as well live in the Jacuzzi Ward. Just when it seems matters can’t get worse, Andy’s brother, Nick, slides into town on snake oil, running one scam after another.
You’ll meet Bishop Carlson, who impersonates the deceased at a funeral, and Edith Horvitz, a homemaking director who built her entire house using particle board and a hot glue gun.
There’s young and beautiful Zan Archer, a self-made tycoon. The most domestic Zan has ever been was to hire a maid from a domestics agency.
For on-the-spot criticism, you can count on Rita Delaney, who used a dead cat as a visual aid for a spiritual living lesson. And watch out for Claudia Lambert. She once aimed a rifle at a well-meaning cleaning crew of Relief Society sisters, and told them if they or their PineSol ever set foot in her house again, there’d be a mass funeral at the Stake Center.
They’re all there—the stalwarts, the grumblers, the mixed bag of members you’ll recognize at once. Joni Hilton also serves up wisdom along with the laughs, leaving you satisfied with a feast that is both enriching and entertaining.
A small village nestled in the shadow of a grand castle is brightened by the warmth and welcome of the local church. All are invited to come and pray, and come they do one cold Christmas Eve. Each villager has a prayer on their lips, supplications for all they lack. Even the king himself struggles to find gratitude this Christmas season. But within their company kneels a young boy who has known little beyond deprivation yet contains a heart full of thanks.
Learn to recognize your own limitless blessings this Christmas season as you witness the power of one child’s grateful heart.
But this is no act: Think “Monk” with female hormone issues, wielding a frying pan. Underneath that crazy exterior is, okay, more craziness. Kate compulsively paints out graffiti, corrects grammar on public signs, and tries not to embarrass her husband and three kids. She longs for the days when she created crossword puzzles for the local paper, and tries to convert her therapist into a word person. Still, her life is in relative control because she wisely moved far away from her life’s nemesis, her sister—a flambouyant artist and her polar opposite.
In this laugh-out-loud chick lit novel, Kate’s life turns upside down when the very sister she despises suddenly moves in with her. Jackie is broke (again), hauls “art supplies” in from the garbage dump, makes paper in the blender, and worst of all: Wrangles her way into co-hosting the cooking show. Kate is furious, but the sisters’ on-air bickering only raises the ratings.
Kate’s sense of family obligation and propriety keeps her from throwing Jackie out onto the street, but she makes lists of people she’d like to murder this afternoon, and Numbers One through Three are Jackie.
Kate begins a desperate attempt to get Jackie married off and out of the house, but when Jackie’s antics finally cause Kate to lose her job, the stakes escalate. How on earth can these two sisters salvage such an impossible situation, and how can Kate avoid spending the rest of her life in a padded cell?
Hopetown is both a place and a time of innocence-- or is it? Gavin sees his home through the gauzy lens of boyhood dreams, until poverty, racism, pride, betrayal, and murder shatter its image forever. But Gavin fulfills a promise and finds that honor and love lead to triumph, and hope travels with him, in his heart.
Moms are as unique as fingerprints. And though no two mothers do their job in quite the same way, you will come to savor your calling as a mother as you learn that the best kind of mom is probably-you.
Moms of all ages will love the messages inside, which help unload the guilt that seems to accompany motherhood. You'll discover what is really essential for raising healthy, happy children. And you'll learn to toot your own horn, getting well-deserved appreciation for the greatest job on earth! So put your feet up, laugh, relax, and find the joy that parenthood can bring-you've earned it.
32 pp. booklet.
If you struggle between desiring a meaningful prayer relationship with deity and actually having one, this book is for you. It is both a how-to manual for beginners, and an advanced course in penetrating the veil for those who hunger for God’s presence.
You’ll discover you can set aside insincere trite phrases as you learn about prayer’s true purpose and the phenomenal power it can have. Find out how to speak to Heavenly Father from your own heart, and how to listen for the answers He sends.
When Nina accidentally ventures into the deepest part of jungle, a bronzed hero magically leaps from the treetops to rescue her from a wild animal attack. And when she stares into his brilliant green eyes, she knows without a doubt that this is no ordinary tribesman. She is smitten at first touch. Breathless.
Perils lurk everywhere in the shape of poisonous plants, strange species of animals that prowl the night, and even murderous cannibals from a nearby atoll. Storms, fires, and incessant insect attacks are just part of living life on the edge, and the natives take it in stride. Nina comes to accept their ways and loves the island with the same fervor as she loves her man. When the expedition nears its close, Nina must choose: Should she return home to become an anthropologist, or stay in the jungle with the man she loves?
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