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About Joni Hilton
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Blog postIn Joniopolis there always seems to be both good news and bad news. Actually, if you scroll through these posts, I think you’ll see it’s mostly bad news, with occasional good news thrown in just to surprise me. This time the good news is that I got my port removed (no, I was not deported, you punsters). You may recall this weird little box that was placed in my chest. Nurses use them to a
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Blog postSt. Bob earns that title daily. The latest thing I’ve asked him to do, which surely no man can enjoy, is to lift seven heavy bins labeled “Halloween” or “Autumn” from their shelves, so I can put pumpkins and fall harvest displays around the house.
As I was pawing through one of them for seasonal decorations I mumbled, “Hmm… this could be cute in the kitchen. Wait. Maybe I could mix the acorns and the little wo -
Blog postOn a recent flight I happened to sit beside a coach who was on his way to two football games. “Texas A&M vs. Auburn, then Cowboys vs Dolphins,” he said. I tried to carry the conversation but finally admitted I know absolutely nothing about these teams or players. I told him that when my husband is watching and says, “That was a terrible call,” I shout, “What is the MATTER with him?” Or, if one team trades a good player away I notice his dismay and
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Blog postHave you ever had a policeman tell you to stop being a policeman? St. Bob has.
We used to live near a high school where teenagers would go speeding by after school, often running the stop sign on our corner. Several times Bob would jump in his car, somehow pull them over (I wasn’t in his car, so I’m not sure how he did this), and tell them to obey the laws. He may or may not hav -
Blog postDing, ding, ding—stop the presses! Scientists now claim that dirt can prevent anxiety disorders. You think I’m kidding. Nope. In Neuroscience Psychologythey’ve cited a study that claims a fatty acid in soil can lead to a “stress vaccine” and that people who like to garden are just happier, better people. Okay, I added that last part about gardeners because I like to garden. But
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Blog postAh, the things we can learn from tattoos. The other day I noticed my supermarket checkout guy had a gigantic tattoo on his arm, of a girl’s name. Let’s say it was Doopsie, just because I don’t know any Doopsies.
“Oh, is Doopsie your wife?” I asked. “No, no!” he said, leaving a string of exclamation marks in the air. “That’s my daughter.” A -
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Blog postI’m walking through the hospital hallways to get a CT-Scan, and I see a door bearing this sign: I can’t help wondering how an alarm can be silent. Does that not negate its very ability to sound an alarm? Or does a mime burst into your office trying to look like the Silent Scream painting? What is it with facilities and their signs? You may remember one
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Blog postDo you have hot friends? How about hot in-laws? Well, try to top this. My brother-in-law’s truck burst into flames recently:
A generator in the truck caught fire. Luckily he was nowhere near it. He and a hunting buddy had gone away for dinner, and noticed a giant plume of black smoke as they returned. When they got there the flames were just reaching the huge stash of ammunition AND a propane tank. They -
Blog postI’m excited. I love teaching writing and on Saturday, September 14th I get another opportunity. I teach what to do, and I also teach what not to do. One of the nots is overwriting. Recently I came across an ad for a simple blazer, with this description:
A crisply chic mandarin collar meticulously-constructs this eclectic overpiece, lending an individualistic essence that's immeasurably maximized. Rendering a dedication t -
Blog postDoes your mind ever play tricks on you? It must. This is why we all enjoy optical illusions and close-up magic. We marvel that we can stare at one thing and see something else. But does it ever happen with your name? A friend of mine recently wrote, “I have to tell you, when I was in Chicago last week we were staying at the Chicago Hilton, and everywhere I looked there were signs
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Blog postDoggerel is a word which means an irregular, silly, or badly written rhyme. I’m going to assume that its origins trace to my own dogs’ ancestors who were undoubtedly all three—irregular, silly, and bad. However, this does not mean I don’t love dogs; I do. They just need to attend I.Q. camp. You recall, of course, that one of my dogs literally did this damage to this book: &nb
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Blog post“Elephants don’t get cancer.” This was my oncologist speaking, last year. “WHAT!” I gasped. “Why aren’t we injecting elephant something- or- other into people?” I am nothing if not a stickler for the intricacies of science. “We’re studying it,” he said. “Well, study faster,” I said. “I’ve got Stage 3 and this s
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Blog postMost of you know that I spent a good hunk of my childhood in Utah. And one of the things Utah is known for is its famous Bonneville Salt Flats, where race cars of all descriptions have set land-speed records as they have zoomed across brilliant white fields of sparkling salt.
And, of course, it lures the rest of us in, too. In one of the many trips we’ve made to Utah from California, we decided to take our fami -
Blog postYou’ll like this because it makes perfect sense. The necktie originated during a war. And, if you’re like many men today, you would kill not to have to wear a throat-pinching, strangling necktie. But they weren’t fighting over having to wear ties; the French and the Croatians in the Thirty Years War simply wore a piece of cloth at their necks, as part of their uniform. Soon it became a symbol of wealth and status in E
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Blog postI once received a delicious compliment. I had zipped into a parallel parking spot downtown where some young men were standing nearby. “Wow,” one of them said, “you drive like a parking valet.”
(Much better than our daughter Nicole’s analysis once, which was to say that I drive like Cruella De Vil.) However, now that I frequent the hospital for cancer treatments, I’m all about g -
Blog postDon’t even get me started on graffiti. Okay, too late. I’m on a roll. There are about 12 billion reasons why I hate graffiti. Think I’m exaggerating? It costs 12 billion dollars annually just in the United States to remove graffiti.
The main reason I despise graffiti is because it’s vandalizing other people’s property. Buildings, walls, fences—these belong to actual people. Like snatching someone’s purse, -
Blog postA friend of mine just bought a new vacuum, read the entire instruction booklet, learned how to take it apart, how to clean the filters, how to check for blockages, etc. and then came to this final line:
WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED VACUUMING, TURN THE VACUUM OFF.
Whaaat?? Did you know this? Hey, this blog is nothing if not a well of startling, yet essential, information.
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Blog postHave you ever noticed that no dogs are actually named Fido, Rover, or Spot? I’ve been studying pet names, okay my whole life, I know, I know, which makes it sound like I need to get a life.
But I’ve always had lots of pets, and always put a lot of thought into naming them. Sometimes too much thought. And sometimes not enough. For example, many of our pets have been named after foods (Mango, Truffles, Donut, Bon-Bon, -
Blog postFolks, I just got three tattoos. Yessir, I have now joined the ranks of other radiation patients who have a connect-the-dots deal on their bodies, so death rays can be lined up correctly. Okay, they’re probably called something else, but the idea is that their machinery can shoot a laser beam in exactly the right place to kill cancer. So… killer rays? Same idea. The tattoos look like a little pen dot. One
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Blog postOkay, let me answer that: No. In fact, I wasn’t even going to blog about this, but THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN! Let me back up a few months to my vacation in Scandinavia. Nicole and I were sitting on a bus headed down the west coast of Norway, when suddenly I looked down at my hand and realized the main stone of my wedding ring was missing! This isn't my ring, but it shows you a triangular trillion cut, simi
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Blog postWell, it had to happen. When you’re taking 30-plus pills and vitamins every day
and they are divvied up into daily reminder boxes—one for morning and one for night—
the day will come when you grab the wrong handful. And, unfortunately, I have no history of bulimia so I have no clue how to make myself throw up to undo this mistake.Now, this might not be -
Blog postMy doctors are party poopers. They don’t want me to fly, be around crowds, or be around kids. This would include the parents of kids, who are evidently covered with all manner of elementary school cooties.
Furthermore, I’m not to accept meals from people who have children in the home, because the very dishes they bring could have sneezes on them. PLEASE! What if someone is a great coo -
Blog postFolks, we had an invasion last night. First, how many individuals have to get involved to call it an invasion? I think, when it comes to raccoons, one is enough.
At least I think it was only one, based on the footprints: It crept through the doggie door then padded over to the laundry room where the cat and dog food is kept. Pertinent info: Our dog slept through the -
Blog postLately St. Bob has experienced a windfall. Check after check has been pouring in from his Game Show days (you do know that he hosted and announced game shows, right? That he’s the Bob of “Bob, tell ‘em what they’ve won” fame, and has a Wikipedia page?) Anyway, for years after your shows air, you get residual checks for every re-run. Sometimes these are enough for a nice dinner, sometimes a great little deposit in the old b
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Blog postCan I please be in the Vial Olympics? I don’t expect to be in the real ones. Heck, I doubt they’d even give someone this unathletic a seat on the back row. But blood samples I got. At my last lab appointment, this is what I saw waiting for me on the table: That’s right. SEVENTEEN vials to fill. Have you ever heard of such a collection? There sh
Books By Joni Hilton
A Little Christmas Prayer
Sep 1, 2019
by
Joni Hilton
$3.32
$3.49
Get it by Tuesday, Oct 22
Only 4 left in stock (more on the way).
Only 4 left in stock (more on the way).
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$3.49
(3 Used & New offers)
Stop the Ward I Want to Get Off!
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.99
$4.74
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$4.74
(30 Used & New offers)
As the Ward Turns
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.99
$12.00
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Only 1 left in stock - order soon.
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$1.76
(50 Used & New offers)
$3.86
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$3.86
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Scrambled Home Evenings
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.45
$9.95
Temporarily out of stock.
$8.90
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$8.90
(2 Used & New offers)
The Power of Prayer
Aug 8, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.95
$1.55
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$1.55
(14 Used & New offers)
Around the Ward in 80 Days
Jun 1, 2013
by
Joni Hilton
$10.49
$1.99
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$1.99
(43 Used & New offers)
$31.00
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$6.68
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Other Formats:
Audio Cassette
Ten-Cow Wives' Club
Aug 8, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$2.99
$8.95
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$1.99
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$14.50
Housekeeping Secrets My Mother Never Taught Me
Jan 25, 2001
by
Joni Hilton
$3.00
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$3.00
(14 Used & New offers)
Cooking Secrets My Mother Never Taught Me
Jan 25, 2001
by
Joni Hilton
$1.99
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$1.99
(18 Used & New offers)
The Best Kind of Mom
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$0.99
$2.99
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$2.99
(9 Used & New offers)
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