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About Joni Hilton
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Blog postOnce again I have been duped in my garden. I feel like Jack-and-the-Canola-stock, but I’ll come to that later.
First, I want you to look at this pathetic little beet that took months and months to grow, being a winter crop:It was time to harvest the cold weather stuff and make room for the summertime plants which always include tomatoes, herbs, peppers, basil, and squash.But what you don’t know is that last summer I painstakingly chose seeds from a c -
Blog postAh, Chemo, the gift that keeps on giving. We are now (the royal we) at the hair loss stage. And, as you might imagine, it is not without its surprises.
First of all, as hair began to fall out I wondered if it would all fall out at once in the night, and I’d wake up with it on my pillow. Like a cat. Little did I know that I’d be brushing it one day and the equivalent of three cats would com -
Blog postPretend, for a moment, that you are a special effects person in the movie industry. You need an actor to foam from the mouth, and then die. Here is the exact product you would use to simulate the situation:
And guess what I chewed up in Norway, thinking it was a lozenge? Yep. There I was, suffering from a sore throat, unable to buy regular American meds at the pharmacy. (No, they don’t have Sudafed. No, they d -
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Blog postI’m taking a break from writing about cancer (sheesh!) and moving to a more upbeat topic: Rattlesnakes. Yessir, I happen to know more than the average bear about rattlesnakes. And, more than the average rattlesnake about bears. This is because I grew up in northern Utah where both were plentiful. When you live in rattlesnake country, you rarely call them that. You call them rattlers. You are also taugh
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Blog postI have another blockbuster idea. It came about as I was texting our son, Brandon, and kvetching about chemotherapy. Here’s how that went:
Me: Did I tell you I got tonsillitis because of my low white cell count due to the chemo? So I’m on antibiotics for that, now.
Brandon: No way! Ugh, it’s like injury to injury! Me: I know, right? I’m 11 day -
Blog postMedicine is an odd field. First you have people on the other side of the world doing entirely different things for diseases, some of which do work. Then you have local Experts, people here with degrees. There are also wonderful friends who share their experiences and ideas. Then you have the unwashed masses of the public, many of whom are convinced you should try their ideas, and these come at you in the form o
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Blog postHere is something you can be glad about today: I will never post a nude photo of myself. See? And you thought this would just be a humdrum day without any fantastic things to be grateful for!
There are many reasons for this decision, of course, but one you may not have considered is that I LOOK LIKE A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN! Okay, maybe not the silhouette, but the spots, for sure. &n -
Blog postDid I actually move to Joniopolis? Or did Joniopolis just sort of spot me in the distance and then flow over me like sneaky lava, just because my name was Joni? Because something weird is going on here, and it isn't just having to have chemo. WHICH, by the way, is the very, bottom, last item you should put on your bucket list. You'd think having cancer and then chemo would be plent
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Blog postCancer is many things, but one thing people don’t always consider is that it's time consuming. You suddenly have an overwhelming number of appointments, phone calls, procedures, and paperwork to do. I say that as if you can now decide never to get it because of the hassle. I mean, who has time for all this, right? So I’m awaiting word of an upcoming appointment I need, when I get this message:
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Blog postCharles Kuralt was a popular TV journalist years ago, and many of us recall his “On the Road” segments for The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite. He always found something quirky or charming in the nooks and crannies of the U.S. And he would have loved my town. Yes, because it often exemplifies the folksy goodness he so enjoyed. But also because it serves up a continuous supply of material. Here are just three examples of things I’ve
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Blog postI’m not sure why going to the vet has to be so funny. I just know that often it is. The veterinarian where I take our hooligan animals is usually crowded, with at least 8 or 10 pet owners and their various dogs and cats in tow. We’re all a friendly bunch and we get to talking. I always find it sweet that each owner has painstakingly chosen a name for their furry friend, and then tacked on their o
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Blog postWe all have dream careers that never actually materialized. Some people wish they could have been astronauts, ballerinas, professional athletes. I will tell you mine. Okay, one of mine: Race car driver.
This comes as no surprise whatsoever to those who have ridden with me. And I posted hereabout my race—in the family mini-van—at the local speedway. But what -
Blog postIn my last blog I told you I signed “Zorro” on all my hospital forms. This is absolutely true. My handwriting is so sloppy that it kind of looks like the way I sign Joni Hilton anyway. But St. Bob found out and was a bit concerned that I might get in trouble. You mean worse trouble than having a mastectomy (twice, if you count the repair), then nose dermabrasion, then having lymph nodes removed? And I lost count of t
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Blog postHere’s how to look like a super spy. First, have a mastectomy that requires a drain. This handy tube will connect to a little bulb that looks like a hand grenade. It will rest in a little pouch at your waist.Now put on any top, shirt, or jacket. You will see a bulge that looks like you are totally packing heat, and lots of it. Folks will think you’re armed with a Glock and a silencer, maybe even a machine gun.But wait, there’s more. Now have basal cell skin cancer on your nose, which will
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Blog postI think we can all agree that police tape has at least one use. But now I’m thinking it can be re-purposed to wrap me up after all my recent surgeries. Seriously, I’ve had 3 things within 3 weeks. First, right before Christmas, I went under anesthetic again so we could repair the incision from my recent breast cancer surgery, which didn't hold. I say “we” but I had nothing to do with it. The
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Blog postWell, you made it through the holidays. And now, if you are online -----and I believe you are—you are seeing a zillion ads for the things you bought for Christmas or Hanukah. Or thought about buying.
Yes, you are being tracked every minute you have a screen before your face. If you so much as Google Wind in the Willows you will be bombarded with ads for toad clothing, toad houses, toad recordings, and toad view -
Blog postJust before my surgery for breast cancer we learned that a dear friend back East is facing final stage kidney disease. This means he needs a new kidney, or he will have to do dialysis day and night, at home. I was teaching a writing class when I got the sudden impression that I should offer him my kidney. So, after class, I left a voice message for his wife, then drove home and told Bob. “I figure if I’m a
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Blog postYou guys know that I do a bit of public speaking, right? And I think I mentioned that in October I went to Nauvoo, Illinois with St. Bob, to speak to a big Singles’ Mega-Conference, right? (My topic: How to find humor in adversity—I have been preparing for this speech MY ENTIRE LIFE.) And I love Nauvoo. It literally glows with the Spirit of its history—an early Latter-day Saint settlement that bec
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Blog postI think this may be the ultimate example of adding insult to injury. Here’s the latest in my medical adventure. First, a bit of background. The pathology report of my lymph nodes came back with cancer in four out of the five they tested. Naturally this means it’s probably in many more of them, and possibly racing through my body to attack some new, far more exciting venue than my armpit.
So… we did a PET -
Blog postSERIOUSLY? Okay, here’s what has happened now. I stopped in to visit an old friend who’s in an Alzheimer’s care facility. In the LDS Church we are assigned people to minister to every month, and even though this friend moved away years ago, I’ve stayed in touch.
You would think such a visit would be pretty predictable, right? Aha. That is your first mistake. I find my friend’s r -
Blog postI get it; everyone loves St. Bob. But why does this focus group have to include our cat, Simon? We got that wingnut out of a box of free kittens and he turned out to be a Chartreux, a cat bred in France to be a champion mouser. However, nobody said, “By the way, he’ll be bringing those mice into your bedroom at night.” Or, “I hope you can do math, because if you can divide three into two, that’s how often he’ll be d
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Blog postQuick quiz: When was Joni most likely to get caught breaking a law? Answer: When she took a Sharpie pen over to the local high school at night, and corrected the punctuation on a sign that said, SLOW STUDENTS AHEAD. So how can I possibly stay in a hospital bed beneath this sign? Why the arm is also a topography map escapes me. But the more glaring p
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Blog postYou know I recently had a mastectomy. You know I find comedy in almost everything. And you know major surgery is usually done with anesthetic. This, my friends, is the recipe for a very embarrassing cocktail. When I had my wisdom teeth removed at 19, I had a follow-up visit where all the nurses clustered around to tell me how hilarious I was under anesthetic. This is never good news.
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Blog postHave you gobbled up all your Halloween candy, yet? (Note my Thanksgiving reference, now that it’s November.)
First, I want to wish a Happy Birthday today, to Richie, my eldest son (now older than I am!). Note the shirt he's wearing. I think it's perfect, because I find a bit of irony in Halloween. For example, we give out “Fun Size” candies, when there is nothing fu -
Blog postThis will be a short blog because you have candy to buy and trick-or-treaters to please. I simply have to share a hilarious thing they do in Norway. Inside the wrapper of their Kit Kat-like bar are hiking tips. Yep, hiking tips: Not that I went off my vegan diet to learn this. Okay, I was TRAVELING, which is like the free space on a bingo card. &nb
Books By Joni Hilton
As the Ward Turns
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.99
$35.79
Get it by Thursday, Apr 25
Only 1 left in stock - order soon.
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$1.99
(50 Used & New offers)
$34.16
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$5.00
(20 Used & New offers)
Funeral Potatoes
Feb 3, 2012
by
Joni Hilton
$10.99
$14.00
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$4.00
(32 Used & New offers)
$17.99
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$17.99
(2 Used & New offers)
Around the Ward in 80 Days
Jun 1, 2013
by
Joni Hilton
$10.49
$19.98
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$1.50
(43 Used & New offers)
$31.00
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$1.55
(21 Used & New offers)
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Audio Cassette
Housekeeping Secrets My Mother Never Taught Me
Jan 25, 2001
by
Joni Hilton
$3.00
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$3.00
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Scrambled Home Evenings
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.99
$130.03
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$8.00
(12 Used & New offers)
Cooking Secrets My Mother Never Taught Me
Jan 25, 2001
by
Joni Hilton
$17.95
Temporarily out of stock.
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$1.99
(24 Used & New offers)
Stop the Ward I Want to Get Off!
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$9.99
$4.15
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$4.15
(30 Used & New offers)
The Best Kind of Mom
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$0.99
$2.99
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$2.99
(21 Used & New offers)
by
Joni Hilton
$9.71
$15.95
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$3.99
(44 Used & New offers)
Family Funbook
Sep 20, 1998
by
Joni Hilton
$17.78
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Only 1 left in stock - order soon.
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$0.10
(56 Used & New offers)
by
Joni Hilton
$7.60
$11.95
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$1.95
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$5.00
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$5.00
(7 Used & New offers)
Pinholes Into Heaven
Nov 11, 2012
by
Joni Hilton
$2.99
$5.00
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$5.00
(3 Used & New offers)
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