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About Joni Hilton
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Blog postYou guys know that I do a bit of public speaking, right? And I think I mentioned that in October I went to Nauvoo, Illinois with St. Bob, to speak to a big Singles’ Mega-Conference, right? (My topic: How to find humor in adversity—I have been preparing for this speech MY ENTIRE LIFE.) And I love Nauvoo. It literally glows with the Spirit of its history—an early Latter-day Saint settlement that bec
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Blog postI think this may be the ultimate example of adding insult to injury. Here’s the latest in my medical adventure. First, a bit of background. The pathology report of my lymph nodes came back with cancer in four out of the five they tested. Naturally this means it’s probably in many more of them, and possibly racing through my body to attack some new, far more exciting venue than my armpit.
So… we did a PET -
Blog postSERIOUSLY? Okay, here’s what has happened now. I stopped in to visit an old friend who’s in an Alzheimer’s care facility. In the LDS Church we are assigned people to minister to every month, and even though this friend moved away years ago, I’ve stayed in touch.
You would think such a visit would be pretty predictable, right? Aha. That is your first mistake. I find my friend’s r -
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Blog postI get it; everyone loves St. Bob. But why does this focus group have to include our cat, Simon? We got that wingnut out of a box of free kittens and he turned out to be a Chartreux, a cat bred in France to be a champion mouser. However, nobody said, “By the way, he’ll be bringing those mice into your bedroom at night.” Or, “I hope you can do math, because if you can divide three into two, that’s how often he’ll be d
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Blog postQuick quiz: When was Joni most likely to get caught breaking a law? Answer: When she took a Sharpie pen over to the local high school at night, and corrected the punctuation on a sign that said, SLOW STUDENTS AHEAD. So how can I possibly stay in a hospital bed beneath this sign? Why the arm is also a topography map escapes me. But the more glaring p
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Blog postYou know I recently had a mastectomy. You know I find comedy in almost everything. And you know major surgery is usually done with anesthetic. This, my friends, is the recipe for a very embarrassing cocktail. When I had my wisdom teeth removed at 19, I had a follow-up visit where all the nurses clustered around to tell me how hilarious I was under anesthetic. This is never good news.
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Blog postHave you gobbled up all your Halloween candy, yet? (Note my Thanksgiving reference, now that it’s November.)
First, I want to wish a Happy Birthday today, to Richie, my eldest son (now older than I am!). Note the shirt he's wearing. I think it's perfect, because I find a bit of irony in Halloween. For example, we give out “Fun Size” candies, when there is nothing fu -
Blog postThis will be a short blog because you have candy to buy and trick-or-treaters to please. I simply have to share a hilarious thing they do in Norway. Inside the wrapper of their Kit Kat-like bar are hiking tips. Yep, hiking tips: Not that I went off my vegan diet to learn this. Okay, I was TRAVELING, which is like the free space on a bingo card. &nb
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Blog postBy any chance have you ever slept in a graveyard?
I’m guessing no. But wait until you read how I happened to do this in Norway. Nicole has some friends from her mission days who are renting a home that overlooks an actual fjord. Seriously, the property is breathtaking. And they invited us to spend the night. Also on the property is the landlord's larger home, a huge barn, an apple orcha -
Blog postThink about going through the security check at the airport. You’ve probably taken off your jacket, your shoes, stuffed them into a plastic bin, walked through a metal detector. All the usual stuff, right? But have you ever been stopped so you could watch something entertaining? Here’s what happened on the way to Denmark. The TSA guy (probably called something else there, and with a lo
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Blog postAm I lucky or what? Not only did St. Bob send me to Scandinavia with Nicole for my birthday (I told you he was a Saint), but my long-time Swedish friend, Marianne Carlsson, then treated us to a dazzling and delicious dinner at Stockholm’s Brasserie Godot, listed in the White Guide—which is like getting a fistful of Michelin stars. We eat plant-based now, and look at the chocolate ganache/cherry sorbet/berry meringue dessert their chef
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Blog postWe’re baaack. Two glorious weeks in Scandinavia and enough material to last a lifetime. Not that this will become a travel blog. But indulge me a bit. First of all, let’s start with Norway. It’s every bit as gorgeous as you can imagine, with thunderous waterfalls, majestic mountains, and amazing fjords. The chocolate is swoon-worthy, the people are kind and helpful. But there’s one area where the f
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Blog postHere’s the deal with Norway. It’s honestly so gorgeous it hurts your eyes. You cannot imagine the sweeping beauty of this land, and I know because I went there when I was 19. In fact, I will be there as you read this (although I am no longer 19). I’ll have been there for two weeks, with side trips to Sweden and Denmark. Check out this waterfall, just one of many there (and the teeny tiny person in the picture).
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Blog postPeople who spend a fortune on exercise equipment have no idea how inexpensive fitness can actually be. Here are three ways I get zillions of extra steps into my day: Step one: Buy a water bottle. This is mine, set on my desk in front of my “Youtube Mom” sign. We won’t even count the steps you took to buy the thing, just the steps you will take af
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Blog postWell, it has finally happened. Clear speech is being trained out of us by the dictation feature of our cell phones. We already know that no matter how distinctly you speak into that device, it will come out, “You are the breast!” and worse (see my blog about St. Bob’s blunder here). But now we have to slur what we’re saying just to get the correct words to appear on our screen. If I say “question mark” it
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Blog postWhat do you think of when I say the 1920s? Flappers? Gangsters? Then you’d be right on the money to attend the recent charity gala where St. Bob and I, plus great pals Nancy and Alex Theriault, went in full costume. But, being Joniopolis, you know something had to happen. First of all, Bob was the emcee of the event. Excellent choice. But then I won for Best Costume—not
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Blog postI wish this weren’t true. Something fell out of my pants in the middle of an intersection. No, it wasn’t ants. That would have been a blessing, right? Plus ants are so small that no one would have noticed. Nope, it was something many times the size of an ant. I will tell you what it is so you can stop guessing. It was these two GIGANTIC HEATING PADS that they put on my hips
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Blog postYou know how, sometimes, when you give a gag gift it turns out to be the favorite thing? This happened recently for St. Bob’s birthday. Thanks to side effects from his cancer treatments and mine, we both have hot flashes. So I heard about a little $3 item and thought it would be hilarious to give him this: It’s a tiny fan that plugs into your iphone. It has rubbery blades, so it can’t hurt you.
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Blog postI am so cutting edge, such a trendsetter, than I’ve been writing lyrics for Bob Marley and Ariel Pink. Okay, I’ve been doing it after they already had the same ideas, but still. I’m dialed in.
Speaking of dialed in, do young people today even know what that means? Nobody uses a dial; it’s all buttons. Whatever. -
Blog postFolks, I have just been attacked by two porcupines. Okay, that is only a slight exaggeration. I have just hefted two dead Dwarf Alberta Spruce trees into the green waste container. They barely fit. And, in their parting opinion, they shot hundreds of sharp little needles into my skin. Gloves and clothing were no barrier from these darts of doom. Here is what a h
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Blog postI have a grand-dog. Perhaps this is because I have no grandchildren, but it’s also because our middle son, Brandon, has a humongous Great Dane that weighs about 170 lbs. Here they are, in L.A. where they live: The dog is named Odin, after the fierce Nordic god similar to Zeus. But this Odin is not fierce; he is a lovable lug and even a bit of a baby. We had a Great Dane years ago, and found they are the gentlest
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Blog postI think we’re all crazy. I mean, a little bit. For example, I have several friends who are afraid of irrational things, all of which can be traced to their childhoods. Here are just two: One of my friends is scared of eggs, because her big brother told her these are actually forms of chicken poop. Another one is scared of snakes to the point that she ca
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Blog postSt. Bob is having a birthday soon. Very soon. So, in an effort to plan festivities, we thought we’d check the forecast for that day. California is having a heat wave and the projected high for his special day is 103 degrees. Yikes. “Hey,” I said, when we learned this, “that’s the very age you’re hoping to hit one day!” Some time ago we both imagined our top age on this earth, and
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Blog postYoga began in India and has been around for decades. But I could have told you it wouldn’t be long before people would start messing with it and coming up with variations to keep it in the news.Enter Aerial Yoga: Yes, this is a thing. Not only must you be coordinated enough to hold yoga poses (which counts me out, already), but you must now do them while suspended in the air. This seems like excel
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Blog postMy friend, Melanie, was working on a church dinner. There were tables to set, pitchers to fill, you know the whole routine. And she said to her four-year-old daughter, “Could you make up a pitcher?” Could she ever! Here’s what she handed her mother:
Melanie posted on Facebook that she wished her daughter could stay four forever. W
Books By Joni Hilton
Funeral Potatoes
Feb 03, 2012
by
Joni Hilton
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As the Ward Turns
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
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Stop the Ward I Want to Get Off!
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
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Scrambled Home Evenings
Nov 10, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
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Around the Ward in 80 Days
Jun 01, 2013
by
Joni Hilton
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Scrambled Home Evenings: A Novel
Jan 01, 1994
by
Joni Hilton
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Sisters in the Mix
Oct 27, 2012
by
Joni Hilton
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Ten-Cow Wives' Club
Aug 08, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$1.99
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Jungle
Oct 19, 2012
by
Joni Hilton
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by
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The Power of Prayer
Aug 08, 2011
by
Joni Hilton
$7.99
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$10.64
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