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The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life Paperback – March 1, 2000
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About the Author
Susan Anderson, CSW, is a psychotherapist who has specialized in helping clients deal with heartbreak, loss and abandonment for more than 25 years. She has led workshops on abandonment recovery, conducts seminars and lectures, and has appeared on radio and television speaking on the related issues of addiction, parenting and abandonment.
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Rage is unrefined aggression. We act without thinking, yet we feel justified. Rage maintains an internal dialogue that feeds on itself and fans its own flames. It becomes defensive aggression when we perceive a personal attack and use rage to protect ourselves. Rage becomes offensive aggression when it is used to perform destructive acts of retribution.
You're feeling irritable, consumed with angry thoughts, maybe even ready to explode, What's going on under the surface?
Physical threats as well as threats to our self-esteem or dignity, such as being treated unjustly or rudely- can lead to rage.
It is an understatement to say that we often regret things we do in anger, When our emotional brain perceives a threat, we automatically have an impulse to take defensive action, which can take the form of aggression.
Revenge fantasies and retaliatory acts may help you feel less a victim and more like a force to be reckoned with, Although this is an understandable and common defense, you may also squander a great deal of valuable energy in pursuit of revenge.
When someone we love leaves us, our anger is fueled by a deep and personal wound. We have been wronged, forced into exile from human relationship. The case you build against your abandoner becomes a way of justifying almost any retaliatory action.
The Hidden Dangers of Lifting
People emerging from the grief of a lost relationship are anxious to leave painful memories behind. Many would rather run from unresolved emotional issues than stay with those feelings.
Lifting above your feelings means that you're leaving more than your lost relationship behind. You're ignoring feelings, self-medicating them, denying their existence, avoiding situations that trigger them, or staying so busy that you don't have time to feel them.
The simple truth is that you can NEVER really leave your emotional baggage behind. When you lift, whatever changes have taken place within you, whether you remain conscious of them or not, become a part of the way you respond emotionally. Ignoring these feelings means adding a new row of bricks to the barrier between your internal self and external self-between Little and Bog. You becomes unconscious again,
If abandonment is a knife wound to the heart, then lifting is the last stage of healing, when new tissue forms over the wound. The danger is that scar tissue can form, sealing you off from the outside world. With these emotional calluses comes the loss of Feeling.
Overlifters may come from families where:
Parents held onto feelings and held grudges against other relatives. The message that feelings are not something to be worked through.
Parents were emotionally controlling and over-involved in your feelings. They wanted to fix things, in other words, make your feelings go away. they dismissed your disappointments and fears, telling you what you should and shouldn't feel. You got the message that it wasn't good to have uncomfortable feelings.
Parents and other adults presented a false self to the world, hiding feelings and acting as if everything was okay.
Parents humiliated you when you expressed feelings; they admonished you for crying, ridiculed fear. You learned to hide and cover feelings.
Parents' relationship lacked intimacy, or conversely, parents were intimate only with each other.
The irony is that most of us manage to pass our emotional wounds along to our children in spite of how hard we try to avoid it. These hand-me downs are transformed into various behaviors, attitudes, and character traits and may pass from generation to generation.
The thing I learned most from Susans book was how the emotions and feelings of others work and it has given me a new understanding and insight into the whirling dervishes that lie within. Understanding brings me peace of mind and comfort even if it never fixes the relationships or brings healing where needed. I have gotten to the place where my comfort comes from knowing I have done everything I could do and have been lead to do and nothing brought about the desired healing because of the unforgiveness, prejudice and misconceived misinformation that others choose to believe. It is amazing how anger, unforgiveness, being full of revenge fuels lies, deception and injustices that lead others into deep prisons of their own makings from which there is no return or escape. Forgiveness; unfortunately, does not come to some even in a lifetime.