Four Ways to Replace Suffering With Joy

by Chade-Meng Tan, author of Joy On Demand and Search Inside Yourself.

Our perception of reality is often seriously flawed. First, the information we gather is necessarily incomplete because there is a severe limit to how many things we can perceive and pay attention to at any one time. To make things worse, we often unconsciously fill in the missing information with our imagination, and then our brains don't take the trouble to distinguish between imagination and facts. In other words, our brains often make crap up and then pretend the crap is real.

One major consequence of our seriously flawed perception of reality is that it creates a lot of unnecessary suffering, and it does so in at least three ways. First, it damages our relationships. We often judge others by jumping to conclusions about their intentions based on the effects their actions have on us, which are often more negative than their actual intentions.

Second, the way we judge ourselves tends to be far more negative than the facts can justify.

Third, our seriously flawed perception of reality leads us to be far less happy than our life circumstances justify because we tend to downplay the positives and overplay the negatives in our lives.

Given all that, it is skillful to cognitively reappraise every situation that causes us suffering, because it is very likely that at least some large percentage of our suffering originates from some amount of imperfection in perception. I suggest reappraising in six ways:

1. With Kindness And Compassion To Others: If your emotional pain in caused by the actions of another person, it is best to treat them with loving-kindness. Remind yourself that this person is like you in three ways: they are human, they want to be happy, and they want to be free from suffering. Keep that in mind and give them the benefit of the doubt.

2. With Kindness And Compassion To Yourself: See yourself in the eyes of your caring best friend. They are likely to tell you things are not as bad as you think—and objectively, they are likely to be more accurate than you. Keep that in mind and give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

3. Don't Believe Everything You Think: Remember that the brain doesn't usually differentiate between imagination and fact. Keep that in mind and always be willing to be wrong.

4. See The Long Term And The Big Picture: In the long term, every mistake is an opportunity for learning and growth.