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Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone Paperback – Illustrated, March 4, 2015
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Getting through to someone is a critical, fine art. Whether you are dealing with a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse, things will go from bad to worse if you can't break through emotional barricades and get your message thoroughly communicated and registered.
Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, author Mark Goulston combines his background with the latest scientific research to help you turn the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.
In Just Listen, Goulston provides simple yet powerful techniques you can use to really get through to people including how to:
- make a powerful and positive first impression;
- listen effectively;
- make even a total stranger (potential client) feel understood;
- talk an angry or aggressive person away from an instinctual, unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset;
- and achieve buy-in--the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, and sales.
Whether they're coworkers, friends, strangers, or enemies, the first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do anything is getting them to hear you out. The invaluable principles in Just Listen will get you through that first tough step with anyone.
With this groundbreaking book, you will be able to master the fine but critical art of effective communication.
- Print length256 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherAMACOM
- Publication dateMarch 4, 2015
- Dimensions6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
- ISBN-100814436471
- ISBN-13978-0814436479
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“an impressive bag of tricks… a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful” --Publishers Weekly
"The most useful (five-star) book on communicating... Everyone can be a better communicator with the right knowledge, and this book makes learning interesting and easy." --Lindsey Novak, nationally syndicated "At Work" columnist
"It's a measure of how contentious work relationships can get that the author, a psychiatrist, draws on hostage-negotiation techniques to instruct readers on how to deal with 'defiant executives, angry employees or self-destructing management teams'.... Mission accomplished." --Time Magazine
"useful and applicable techniques and strategies for everything from getting teams to work together, to handling narcissistic clients (or is that a redundancy?), and getting your message across to even the most impenetrable people" --Accounting Today
"Just Listen is a banquet of approaches and ideas that's easy to devour the first time around, and a flavorful feast whenever you use portions as a reference book. It's certainly one of the best how-to books of the year." --Inland Empire Business Journal
"A primer on dealing with hard-to-reach people in virtually every scenario -- defiant executives, angry employees, families in turmoil, warring couples -- through use of well-honed psychological techniques. Illustrative snippets from counseling session reveal martial-arts like techniques: potent on their own, but even more powerful when you combine them. Chapter summaries feature action steps preparing readers to encounter similar scenarios, yielding a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful." --CareerBuilder.com
"Just Listen is not only helpful for any kind of business, it teaches a skill that will aid you outside of the office too." --Niche Magazine
"Just Listen is an excellent guide for learning how to break down barriers." --Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“We’re all held captive when someone refuses to communicate. [Goulston’s] 12 easy tools to achieve buy-in and seven fast fixes for challenging situations are particularly helpful for everyday use.” --Working Strategies
“Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t —customer service staff, managers, salespeople, parents, you name it…” --The Chronicle Herald
“Goulston helps the reader to learn how to get through to anyone.” --Business Now Magazine
“…offers nine core rules for reaching anyone, from Beelzebub down to the lowliest staffer, as well as a host of easy-to-use tools, concrete action steps, and illuminating examples.” --Accounting Today
“We all have difficult and unpleasant conversations throughout our lives…Mark gives us the key to not only making these conversations smoother, but help you communicate on a deeper level.” --Optimized Geek
“Hell, Sartre pointed out, is other people, but it turns out that there are ways to make them less devilish…trick is to learn to really listen in the way described by this book.” --Accounting Today
"[Mark Goulston] understands communication, and he understands people…Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can't think of anyone who wouldn't.” --The Chronicle Herald
“…useful insights into opening anyone up—a recalcitrant vendor, a desirable prospect, a client dragging ass….Goulston’s words gave me sizable goosebumps.” --Forbes.com
"...provides numerous insights and tips for impactful listening written in an engaging and thoroughly enjoyable manner." --Daily Times
"Once in a while a book comes along that makes us slow down, become introspective and thus, learn and transform...Such a book is Just Listen." --Parking Today
“Readers learn how to listen effectively, shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state, and use empathy jolts to bridge a communication gap.“ —Business Insider
“Readers learn how to listen effectively, shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state, and use empathy jolts to bridge a communication gap.” —Idealist Careers
“…ranks as one of my all-time favorite books and is, in my humble opinion, the BEST book written on this very important topic.” —Linkedin
“…filled with great questions that will absolutely ‘Increase Your Leadership Effectiveness X10!’ This is a must buy book for every leader and every coach! —Bob Tiede, Leading with Questions blog
“Backed by the latest scientific research, simple but powerful techniques that can turn frustration and anger into engagement are explained.” –HR magazine (Hong Kong)
Book Description
Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone and Who’s Got Your Back
More than 100,000 copies sold!
Do you ever feel like you're talking to a brick wall?
The first step in persuading anyone to do anything is getting them to hear you out. But whether the person is a cynical colleague, furious customer, or overwhelmed spouse, their emotional barriers may be blocking your message. And if you can't break through, you can't move forward.
Just Listen has helped tens of thousands of people tear down walls and establish productive communication. In this landmark book, veteran psychiatrist and business coach Mark Goulston reveals simple, proven techniques for moving people from resistance to consensus, explaining how to:
Listen effectively • Make even a total stranger—perhaps a potential client—feel “felt” • Shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state • Use empathy jolts to quickly bridge communication gaps •Turn negative people into assets using the “Magic Paradox” • Achieve buy-in, the linchpin of all negotiation, persuasion, and sales • And more
Barricades between people become barriers to success and happiness, so getting through is not just a fine art—it's a crucial skill. With Just Listen, readers learn how to transform the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in their lives into true allies, loyal customers, and lifelong friends.
From the Back Cover
“Goulston provides brilliant yet doable techniques for getting through to others. . . .This book transcends the self-help category by promoting real communication.” —Library Journal
Is there someone in your life who just won’t listen, no matter what you say? Maybe it’s someone at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it’s someone at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry ex. If only you could get that person into a calm and receptive state of mind, you’d probably be able to work out your differences. . . .
Just Listen will get you there. In this powerful yet engaging book, acclaimed psychiatrist and business coach Mark Goulston reveals how to get through to anyone—even when successful communication seems impossible—with simple yet remarkably effective tools and techniques that can make your words compelling and break down the walls that keep you from getting through to the people you need to buy into your ideas and goals.
How effective are Mark’s techniques? One of his areas of expertise is training FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life-or-death situations. “The same tips I teach these professionals for building empathy, de-escalating conflict, and gaining buy-in will work in any situation,” Mark says. “Whether you’re fresh out of school . . . or a CEO, once you master these skills you can take them wherever you go in your career and your life.”
Just Listen has given tens of thousands of people the tools and confidence to get through to the unreachable people in their lives. With the proven techniques in this remarkable book, you’ll learn how to turn frustrating situations into positive outcomes and rewarding relationships. Just refer to Just Listen—whenever a job, a sale, or a relationship hangs in the balance.
Mark Goulston, MD, is a business advisor, consultant, coach, speaker, and psychiatrist. The author of Get Out of Your Own Way and other popular books, he blogs for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; cohosts a weekly radio show; and is featured frequently in major media, including The Wall Street Journal, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, CNN, Fox News, and the TODAY show.
Connect with Mark Goulston:
Website: markgoulston.com
Twitter@MarkGoulston
Facebook.com/markgoulston
About the Author
Mark Goulston, MD, FAPA is a board-certified psychiatrist, fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, former assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA NPI, and a former FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer. He is the creator of Theory Y Executive Coaching—which he provides to CEOs, presidents, founders, and entrepreneurs—and is a TEDx and international keynote speaker. He is the creator and developer of Surgical Empathy, a process to help people recover and heal from PTSD, prevent suicide in teenagers and young adults, and help organizations overcome implicit bias. Dr. Goulston is the author or principal author of seven prior books, including Why Cope When you Can Heal: How Healthcare Heroes of COVID-19 Can Recover from PTSD, PTSD for Dummies, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In, and Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life. He hosts the My Wakeup Call podcast, where he speaks with influencers about their purpose in life and the wakeup calls that led them there. He also is the co-creator and moderator of the multi-honored documentary Stay Alive: An Intimate Conversation About Suicide Prevention.
He appears frequently as a human psychology and behavior subject-area expert across all media, including news outlets ABC, NBC, CBS, and BBC News, as well as CNN, Today, Oprah, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Fortune, Harvard Business Review, Business Insider, Fast Company, Huffington Post, and Westwood One.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1: Who’s Holding You Hostage?
Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.
—PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR, NATURAL CAPITALISM
Right now, there’s someone in your life you need to reach. But you can’t, and it’s driving you crazy. Maybe it’s somebody at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it’s somebody at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry “ex.”
You’ve tried everything—logic, persuasion, forcefulness, pleading, anger—but you’ve hit a wall every time. You’re mad, scared, or frustrated. And you’re thinking, “What now?”
Here’s what I want you to do: Think of this as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can’t get free. You’re trapped by another person’s resistance, fear, hostility, apathy, stubbornness, self-cen teredness, or neediness—and by your own inability to take effective action.
And that’s where I come in. I’m just an average guy—husband, father, doctor—but a long time ago, I discovered that I had a special talent. You could drop me into just about any situation, and I could reach people. I could persuade defiant executives, angry employees, or self-destructing management teams to work cooperatively toward solutions. I could get through to families in turmoil and to married couples who hated each other’s guts. I could even change the minds of hostage takers and desperate people contemplating suicide.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing differently from everybody else, but I could tell it worked. I knew I wasn’t smarter than everybody else, and I knew my success wasn’t just luck because what I did worked consistently, and it worked with all kinds of people in every type of situation. But why did it work?
In analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out I’d happened on a simple, quick set of techniques—some I’d discovered on my own, and others I’d learned from mentors and colleagues—that create traction. That is, they pull people toward me, even if those people are trying to pull away.
To understand this, picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and can’t grab hold. But downshift, and you get control. It’s like pulling the road to meet you.
Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.
The powerful techniques you’ll learn in this book can move people rapidly and easily, often within minutes, from “no” to “yes.” I employ them every day to fix broken families and help warring couples fall in love again. I use them to save companies on the brink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effectively, and empower salespeople to make “impossible” sales. And I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the toughest situations possible, when life and death are on the line.
Product details
- Publisher : AMACOM; Reprint edition (March 4, 2015)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 256 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0814436471
- ISBN-13 : 978-0814436479
- Item Weight : 9.9 ounces
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #22,598 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #57 in Workplace Culture (Books)
- #106 in Communication Skills
- #176 in Communication & Social Skills (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Dr. Goulston is the co-author, with Diana Hendel, of Why Cope When You Can Heal? How Healthcare Heroes of Covid-19 can Recover from PTSD.
He is the inventor of Surgical Empathy, an approach that helps psychologically traumatized people heal from their "inside out" by causing them to "feel felt" and less alone in the core of their pain, feel relief and drain the "psychological pus" by crying it out which helps start a process of healing.
His book, "Just Listen" Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, went on to become the top book on listening in the world because it shows readers the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone (a.k.a. hack into) by listening. His first book, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, published in 1996 has been in the top five "Self Help Books" at Amazon for 5 years.
He is the author or co-author of eight books and speaks, teaches, coaches and mentors leaders and CEO's globally.
Dr. Mark Goulston has been described as a "people hacker."
Starting off as a clinical interventional psychiatrist and UCLA professor of psychiatry, he learned to "hack" into the minds of suicidal and potentially violent individuals to prevent acts of destruction to others or themselves. He next went on to train FBI and police hostage negotiators. He has since expanded his work to "Hacking Genius" and speaks and provides webinars internationally on: "Thinking Like Steve Jobs - How to Create 'Gotta Have It.'"
His company, The Goulston Group, is hired by Founders, CEO's and Boards of Directors to help them create a "gotta have it!" response to their services and products (which seamlessly translates into "gonna buy/hire it," a "gotta work there" response in outside talent they're recruiting, a "gonna get it done" response from employees and a "gotta invest there" response in investors.
Mark Goulston is a passionate social activist and is the White co-host on the weekly Black radio show, Zo What Morning Show, where he focuses on leveling the playing field and empowering the African American community. He has also launched a campaign to "Heal the World, One Conversation at a Time" at Patreon.
He contributes to the Harvard Business Review, Huffington Post, Fast Company, Business Insider and writes the "Closing Bell" for C-Suite Quarterly Magazine. Frequently called upon to share his expertise with the media, he has been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, and Reuters; has offered commentary on NPR, CNN, and Fox News; and has appeared on the Oprah and Today shows. He lives in Los Angeles, California.
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Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2016
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-From resisting to listening
-From listening to considering
-From considering to willing to do
-From willing to do to doing
-From doing to glad they did and continuing to do
The book then goes on to introduce rules and techniques that can be leveraged to move people through the different stages of this cycle. Section II of the book details the nine core rules: move yourself from "OH F#@& to OK", rewire yourself to listen, make the other person feel "felt", be more interested than interesting, make people feel valuable, help people to exhale emotionally and mentally, check your dissonance at the door, when all seems lost - bare your neck, steer clear of toxic people.
Section III introduces techniques that can utilized to "achieve buy-in and get through": the impossibility question, the magic paradox, the empathy jolt, the reverse play, empathy jolt #2, "do your really believe that", the power of "hmmm...", the stipulation gambit, from transaction to transformation, side by side, fill in the blanks, take it all the way to "no", the power thank you and power apology.
The last section, section IV, Mark applies the above learning to successfully navigate through seven challenging situations: the team from hell, climbing the ladder, the narcissist at the table, stranger in town, the human explosion, getting through to yourself, six degrees of separation.
What sets this book apart is the breadth in which it covers the topic of listening from the fundamentals to the techniques to the application. This makes it very practical and applicable in any situation one can encounter, whether at work or at home. Mark does an excellent job of enriching the book with his numerous insights and rich experiences. A highly recommended read.
Below are some excerpts from the book that I found particularly insightful:
1- "When you go from "Oh F#@& to OK," you go from being fixated on the way you are convinced the world should or shouldn't be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world the way it is."
2- "...The way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them."
3- "So: how do you master the skill of being interested - and be sincere when you do it? The first key is to stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your foal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Go into the conversation knowing that there is something very interesting about the person, and be determined to discover it."
4- "Passion is about the vision of the company. People want to believe that they're doing an important job that makes a difference to their customers and clients, and puts a smile on their facts. Enthusiasm is about execution. Even with a great vision, people lose their enthusiasm and fail to accomplish what they're capable of doing if their leaders are dropping the ball. Pride is about vision, but also about ethics, because few people feel proud if their company is doing something dishonest. It's also about doing something meaningful, because as people grow older, leaving the world better than they found it becomes more important."
5- "Owning up to your feeling of vulnerability is empowering. It prevents an amygdala hijack that could result in rash decisions and seriously bad life choices. It allows you to exhale, rather than blowing up. Doing the opposite - pretending your're fine when your world is imploding - can be dangerous or even deadly."
6- "Invite people to tell you what they think is impossible, and they'll lower their guard to consider what's possible."
7- "To Succeed in your career, it's less important what you know or even who you know than who truly knows you and how they know you. - Ivan Misner, Founder, BNI"
"Just Listen" starts out with a brief explanation of brain physiology, a model about how persuasion works and the idea of "buy-in" supported by emotionally moving anecdotal examples of how theory comes alive in practice. Mark introduces the important idea of 'mirror neuron receptor deficit' and how it affects our emotions and is the key for understanding how to listen effectively.
I find Chapter 1, "Who's Holding You Hostage" one of the more powerful chapters in the book because it taps into an experience most people have had at some point in their lives - finding themselves 'held hostage' by the perception that no one understands us or can relate to the emotions we feel. These experiences don't always end in a literal gun-to-your-head standoff, but the effects can be just as devastating.
The cover of "Just Listen" promises to reveal the "secret to getting through to absolutely anyone". The irony of the promise is that it includes getting through to oneself. I've read the book two times cover-to-cover and return to it frequently as a trusted resource. Mark's insights aren't a series of parlor tricks for getting what you want or manipulating others through coercion. Mark speaks to the fundamental human need for authentic connection - for being understood for who are as we are. "Just Listen" lays out 'Nine Core Rules For Getting Through to Anyone'. These rules are meant to be applied using the principle of the reciprocity - treat others the way you wish to be treated. Each of the rules can be thought of as anchor points or navigational buoys for charting a course in building effective and healthy relationships. Like navigational aids, the rules help ensure the safety of the journey. They are not the journey itself nor do they guarantee the journey will be easy. But without them you run the risk of running aground and sinking your boat.
The Nine Rules are followed by twelve practical techniques for breaking through when people and situations 'get stuck'. Of the twelve techniques The Impossibility Question, "Do You Really Believe That?", Fill in the Blanks, and From Transaction to Transformation are my favorites because I have been able to make them my own and use them authentically with others. The key to using any tool or technique is to know when it is appropriate to use and when it is not. Just because you have a hammer doesn't mean everything is a nail. Mark provides adequate context for helping determine when a technique may prove useful. However, there is no substitute for preparation and practice. Using any of these techniques requires the investment of time and energy to internalize and make them your own.
The last section of the book, "Putting It All Together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations", is a deeper dive into combining the techniques to resolve 'stickier' problems. Chapter 29, "Getting Through to Yourself" is a gem. The chapter is short but if the reader engages honestly with the material they may find it the most beneficial. In it, Mark addresses our tendency to be overly self critical by asking us to ask ourself, "What's holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?" Mark suggests that if the reader examines their answer to the question carefully they may discover they are suffering from their own serious mirror neuron receptor deficit.
Mark's writing style is clear and concise. The structure of the book makes it come across as 'formulaic' and is designed to appeal to readers looking for a quick fix. The real value of "Just Listen" comes in reading and rereading the book over a period of months wrestling with the implications of what it means to really listen to others and what it means to be deeply heard ourselves.
Top reviews from other countries

It also has extremely powerful anecdotes throughout that happen extremely quickly, when in reality the same techniques will rarely have such twin efficacies when we attempt them. So what makes the book exciting, powerful and uplifting is predicated on a great sales pitch with optimally perfect examples.

The title peaked curiosity in my mind.
There were 3 specific things I liked about the book:
1. The style of writing was very conversational.
2. The ideas were really well illustrated with practical examples and stories.
3. There were specific ways suggested on how to implement.

It gives very practical advice and I can definitely say that you don't need to be too deep into psychology or neuroscience to benefit from it given its written for business practitioners.

