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The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over Paperback – January 13, 2015
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“Whether you wish to be better at sales, reading a room, or recruiting Soviet spies, Jack outlines the skills necessary to make you a better communicator at all levels. As a professional, I learned something new on almost every page that will help to influence others. You will find hundreds of tips and insights in this book that will be immensely useful in any business or social setting.” (Dr. Jim Reilly, former astronaut, Mach25Management)
"This practical and insightful guide to influencing people, based on behavioral analysis and hard-won experience at the FBI, is filled with dozens of useful tips and techniques that can be applied immediately. I enjoyed it and learned a lot!" (William Ury, coauthor of Getting to Yes and author of The Power of a Positive No)
About the Author
John R. “Jack” Schafer, PhD, is a psychologist, professor, intelligence consultant, and former FBI Special Agent. Dr. Schafer spent fifteen years conducting counter-intelligence and counterterrorism investigations, and seven years as a behavioral analyst for the FBI’s National Security Division’s Behavioral Analysis Program. He developed spy recruitment techniques, interviewed terrorists, and trained agents in the art of interrogation and persuasion. Dr. Schafer contributes online pieces for Psychology Today Magazine, has authored/coauthored six books, and has published numerous articles in professional and popular journals. He is a professor with the School of Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice at Western Illinois University.
Marvin Karlins received his PhD in Psychology from Princeton University and is currently Professor of Management at the University of South Florida’s College of Business Administration. Dr. Karlins consults internationally on issues of interpersonal effectiveness and has also authored twenty-four books, including two national bestsellers, What Every Body Is Saying and It’s a Jungle in There. He resides in Riverview, Florida, with his wife, Edyth, and daughter, Amber.
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I will tell you, I'm not good with this kind of thing, and friends who "get this" just make me sad. I guess I just have tolearn to do this the hard way, but these are skills you can learn.
This subject is interesting to me, and I'm putting his ideas to the test. I can see why I've had so many problems with people--I've been giving off "foe" signals instead of "friend" signals. For example; when I'm interested in what's being said, I furrow my brow. That can be construed as not believing or a not agreeing; when in fact, I am concentrating deeply.
Worth the read, but it's not a quick read. I'm going to have to learn it a piece at a time.
p.s. Below please find some favorite passages of mine for your reference.
Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity pg4
You can extricate yourself from unwanted relationships by slowly decreasing each of the basic elements of the Friendship Formula. This gradual decrease will let the unwanted person down incrementally without hurting their feelings and without seeming like an abrupt break in the relationship. In most case, the unwanted person will naturally come to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer viable and seek more rewarding interactions. Pg9
In dating environments, men should make a conscious effort to cant their heads to one side of the other when approaching women or else they may be perceived as predators. Pg30
The telltale signs of a genuine smile are the upturned corners of the mouth and upward movement of the cheecks accompanied by wrinkling around the edges of the eyes. Pg32
Isopraxism is the fancy term for mirroring, a nonverbal practice that can be used to make friendship development easier and more effective. Pg40
The Golden Rule of Friendship – If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. Pg75
The basic formula for constructing emphathic statemens is “So you….” We naturally tend to say something to the effect of “I understand how you feel.” The other person then automatically thinks , NO, you don’t know I feel because you are not me. Pg77
Empathic statements also serve as effective conversation fillers….All you have to remember is the last thing the person said and construct an empathic statement based on that information….It is far better to use a series of empathic statement when you have nothing to say than to say something inappropriate. Pg80
If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere. – Zig Ziglar pg96
Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. – Oscar Wilde pg121
The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likehood that person will feel good about themselves and you like as a result. Pg121
LOVE - Listen. Observe. Vocalize. Empathize. Pg126
Giving someone the feeling they have some control over a situation can work wonders, even with children….Salespeople use the alternate response question all the time. When you go to a car dealership, a good salesperson will not ask you if you want to buy a car. They will ask you if you like blue cars or red cars…..Good salespeople give the customers the illusion that they are in control of the car buying experience, when in fact the salespeople are directly you through a well-choreographed presentation. Pg147
People have a need to be right, but people have a stronger need to correct others….Making presumptive statements is an elicitation technique that presents a fact that can be either right or wrong……
ME: How much is this diamond?
Clerk: One hundred and ninety dollars.
ME: Woooh, the markup must be at least 150%. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: No. It’s only 50%.
ME: And then your 10% commission. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: Not that much. I only get 5%.
ME: I suppose you don’t have the authority to discount. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: I am authorized to give a 10% discount. Anything after that, the manager has to approve.
ME: Ask the manager if he will sell this at a 40% discount…..Pg150
When people receive something either physically or emotionally they feel the need to reciprocate by giving back something of equal or greater value (Law of Reciprocity). Quid pro quo is an elicitation technique that encourages people to match information provided by others. Pg154
During your conversation, you should seek common ground (Law of Similarity) with the other person. You should also use empathic statements to keep the focus on that individual. In short, you want to make the other person feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship). Pg155
Elicitation technique known as internal/external foci. To find out what your loved one really thinks about cheating, you need to approach the topic from a third person perspective. Instead of the direct question, “what do you think about cheating?” you want to say, “My friend Susan caught her husband cheating. What do you think about that?”pg155
And as every spy knows, common enemies are how allies always begin. – Ally Carter, Don’t judge a girl by her cover pg242
The way the book is described it gives the impression that it's more of a how to book in order to get what you want from people, but it's really more of a, "Why won't this person talk to me?" Or, "Why do I have trouble making and/or keeping friends?" type of book. Yes, there are some parts that go into interviewing techniques, but anyone who has done an investigation or conducted hiring interviews might find these portions helpful as well. There are also many techniques shown that you can use to talk with someone about a controversial subject and still get heard.
I loved how the authors included pictures to explain some things like body language and what to look for. There are suggestions on what do do when dealing with anger and how to assess where to go in a heated conversation. There are even some sections that talk about verbal communication and non-verbal communication between couples, and about how to get your spouse to talk to you about a difficult subject so it's a win-win situation. There are references and resources at the end of the book so you can delve further into this subject matter if you want to. Overall, I found it to be a very helpful book.