- Paperback: 288 pages
- Publisher: Touchstone (January 13, 2015)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1476754489
- ISBN-13: 978-1476754482
- Product Dimensions: 6 x 0.8 x 9 inches
- Shipping Weight: 11 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
- Average Customer Review: 201 customer reviews
- Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #6,208 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over Paperback – January 13, 2015
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“Whether you wish to be better at sales, reading a room, or recruiting Soviet spies, Jack outlines the skills necessary to make you a better communicator at all levels. As a professional, I learned something new on almost every page that will help to influence others. You will find hundreds of tips and insights in this book that will be immensely useful in any business or social setting.” (Dr. Jim Reilly, former astronaut, Mach25Management)
"This practical and insightful guide to influencing people, based on behavioral analysis and hard-won experience at the FBI, is filled with dozens of useful tips and techniques that can be applied immediately. I enjoyed it and learned a lot!" (William Ury, coauthor of Getting to Yes and author of The Power of a Positive No)
About the Author
John R. “Jack” Schafer, PhD, is a psychologist, professor, intelligence consultant, and former FBI Special Agent. Dr. Schafer spent fifteen years conducting counter-intelligence and counterterrorism investigations, and seven years as a behavioral analyst for the FBI’s National Security Division’s Behavioral Analysis Program. He developed spy recruitment techniques, interviewed terrorists, and trained agents in the art of interrogation and persuasion. Dr. Schafer contributes online pieces for Psychology Today Magazine, has authored/coauthored six books, and has published numerous articles in professional and popular journals. He is a professor with the School of Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice at Western Illinois University.
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p.s. Below please find some favorite passages of mine for your reference.
Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity pg4
You can extricate yourself from unwanted relationships by slowly decreasing each of the basic elements of the Friendship Formula. This gradual decrease will let the unwanted person down incrementally without hurting their feelings and without seeming like an abrupt break in the relationship. In most case, the unwanted person will naturally come to the conclusion that the relationship is no longer viable and seek more rewarding interactions. Pg9
In dating environments, men should make a conscious effort to cant their heads to one side of the other when approaching women or else they may be perceived as predators. Pg30
The telltale signs of a genuine smile are the upturned corners of the mouth and upward movement of the cheecks accompanied by wrinkling around the edges of the eyes. Pg32
Isopraxism is the fancy term for mirroring, a nonverbal practice that can be used to make friendship development easier and more effective. Pg40
The Golden Rule of Friendship – If you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves. Pg75
The basic formula for constructing emphathic statemens is “So you….” We naturally tend to say something to the effect of “I understand how you feel.” The other person then automatically thinks , NO, you don’t know I feel because you are not me. Pg77
Empathic statements also serve as effective conversation fillers….All you have to remember is the last thing the person said and construct an empathic statement based on that information….It is far better to use a series of empathic statement when you have nothing to say than to say something inappropriate. Pg80
If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere. – Zig Ziglar pg96
Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. – Oscar Wilde pg121
The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to what they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comments, the greater the likehood that person will feel good about themselves and you like as a result. Pg121
LOVE - Listen. Observe. Vocalize. Empathize. Pg126
Giving someone the feeling they have some control over a situation can work wonders, even with children….Salespeople use the alternate response question all the time. When you go to a car dealership, a good salesperson will not ask you if you want to buy a car. They will ask you if you like blue cars or red cars…..Good salespeople give the customers the illusion that they are in control of the car buying experience, when in fact the salespeople are directly you through a well-choreographed presentation. Pg147
People have a need to be right, but people have a stronger need to correct others….Making presumptive statements is an elicitation technique that presents a fact that can be either right or wrong……
ME: How much is this diamond?
Clerk: One hundred and ninety dollars.
ME: Woooh, the markup must be at least 150%. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: No. It’s only 50%.
ME: And then your 10% commission. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: Not that much. I only get 5%.
ME: I suppose you don’t have the authority to discount. (presumptive statement)
Clerk: I am authorized to give a 10% discount. Anything after that, the manager has to approve.
ME: Ask the manager if he will sell this at a 40% discount…..Pg150
When people receive something either physically or emotionally they feel the need to reciprocate by giving back something of equal or greater value (Law of Reciprocity). Quid pro quo is an elicitation technique that encourages people to match information provided by others. Pg154
During your conversation, you should seek common ground (Law of Similarity) with the other person. You should also use empathic statements to keep the focus on that individual. In short, you want to make the other person feel good about themselves (Golden Rule of Friendship). Pg155
Elicitation technique known as internal/external foci. To find out what your loved one really thinks about cheating, you need to approach the topic from a third person perspective. Instead of the direct question, “what do you think about cheating?” you want to say, “My friend Susan caught her husband cheating. What do you think about that?”pg155
And as every spy knows, common enemies are how allies always begin. – Ally Carter, Don’t judge a girl by her cover pg242
I have often said I try not to read too much into body language and focus more on what people are saying. It turns out, this is not a good strategy for understanding where people are coming from, as a large percentage of communication comes from almost universal non-verbal signals such as head tilts, eyebrow raises, and smiles. Who better to reveal these cues than an FBI agent trained in the skill of instantly reading a room and winning people over who are not naturally disposed toward trusting them? These methods have even been used effectively to encourage resistant informants to openly share their secrets. Fortunately, these principles are clearly presented in The Like Switch.
They present a simple formula for Friendship that combines Frequency + Proximity + Duration + Intensity. If all this sounds too contrived, just consider the basic truth that people enjoy being around those who make them feel good about themselves. Actually, that’s not too far off from the Golden Rule of Jesus that says “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” (Matthew 7:12, NLT) When you are genuinely interested in someone, the Golden Rule of Friendship inspires reciprocity. They, in turn, become more interested in you.
In our high-tech digital culture, it can be even harder to read the signs of whether or not you are effectively connecting with someone. The authors devote some time to helping you understand how to read the signs of honesty through social media and other types of digital communication as well so you can avoid being the victim of the latest cyber-scam or catfishing attempt.
Another helpful acronym explained in the book is the word LOVE, which stands for Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize. Simply put, this reminds us to engage in active listening through eye-contact and never interrupting (something I really have to work on), looking for those non-verbal cues, respond appropriately with what you say and help them to know that you understand where they are coming from.
The Like Switch is especially helpful for anyone who wants to grow in their ability to develop relationships with others. It is interesting throughout with lots of real-world examples to illustrate the ideas they present. I was personally challenged to continually grow in these skills by becoming a better reader of those non-verbal signals and to be a better listener. I highly recommend this book if you also are ready to develop these relational skills.
The friendship formula seems to me almost like stalking. I mean if you increase proximity, duration and frequency the other person might just begin thinking that you are stalking them. Maybe in today's age finding out where and what a person does on a daily basis could be construed as stalking. But the curiosity hook, intensity and the golden rule of friendship comes into play to counteract this effect I suppose. If you don’t know what the Golden rule of friendship is then don’t worry by the time you finish reading this book you will! It’s mentioned all throughout the book. If you want someone to like you then make them feel good about themselves.
Elicitation and empathetic and presumptive statement techniques are very useful in everyday life with colleagues and family, especially if you are in a career field like sales.