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Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity by [Mark Chamberlain, Geoff Steurer]

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Mark D. Chamberlain

Geoff Steurer

Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity Kindle Edition

by Mark Chamberlain (Author), Geoff Steurer (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

217 ratings

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A pornography addiction can feel like real infidelity to a spouse. There’s nothing virtual about the damage done to a relationship, and the wounds are reopened each time a relapse is discovered.

As tough as it is to overcome this addictive habit, healing a marriage damaged by pornography is even harder. For spouses, it’s not enough for their partners to simply stop looking at porn. They need healing themselves.

Some couples separate and divorce. Others stay together, but the strain of unresolved feelings takes a distinct toll. Many wonder, Can our marriage heal? Will we ever feel close again?

Love You, Hate the Porn shows couples how to identify and address vulnerabilities in their relationship. This book offers healing advice for spouses, provides help for the struggling partner to avoid relapse and focuses on how to make the marriage relationship stronger than it was before.

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About the Author

Mark Chamberlain, PhD, received his doctorate from Brigham Young University. He is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of pornography addiction and other impulsecontrol problems. He and his wife, Jenny, live in the Salt Lake City area. Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT, received a master s degree in marriage and family therapy at Auburn University. He is a frequent presenter at state and national conferences on the subjects of marriage, sexual addiction recovery, and other related topics. He and his wife, Jody, are the parents of four children and reside in St. George, Utah. --This text refers to the paperback edition.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B004TC14JG
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Shadow Mountain (March 22, 2011)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ March 22, 2011
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 479 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 144 pages

Best Sellers Rank: #203,737 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #9 in Pornography
- #19 in Sexual Addiction & Recovery (Kindle Store)
- #27 in Study of Pornography

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217 ratings

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Mark D. Chamberlain
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I am a psychologist specializing in intensive treatment for individuals and couples healing from pornography and other sexual addictions. I am clinical director of ARCH Counseling in Salt Lake City and have taught continuing education classes for therapists throughout the United States on the topics of healing addiction and sexuality. My wife, Jenny, and I are the parents of seven children.
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Geoff Steurer
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I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice (www.geoffsteurer.com). I specialize in working with couples, especially those who are facing the crisis of infidelity. I am trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and also have specialized training in working with sexual addiction. I believe that people struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors are simply stuck in patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are incongruent with who they really are at the core. I also know that their partners can become so overwhelmed in their experience of betrayal that they also become disconnected from themselves. My passion is helping each individual in the couple relationship discover who they are and then, ultimately, discover how to be close and safe with one another. This is delicate work, but I encouraged daily by the couples who are doing their work to be restored to wholeness.
Some of my favorite authors and influences are Sue Johnson, Brene Brown, John Gottman, Bill Doherty, H Wallace Goddard, Mark Chamberlain, Dan Gray, Shirley Glass, John Eldredge, and Patrick Carnes. I've been married since 1996 and have four children. My family is my greatest joy! I also love to read, make photographs, listen to music, play music on my guitar and piano, and spend time outdoors.
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Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5

217 global ratings

5 star		73%
4 star		11%
3 star		7%
2 star		3%
1 star		5%

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Angie

Save your marriage, fight for yourself and your spouse.

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on October 9, 2015

Verified Purchase

I bought this book a year ago for my husband's porn addiction. I bought two others also, that we could share and learn from. This was my last option, books. I'd tried everything else. Talking to my husband, pleading for him to stop. Crying my eyes out at the heart wrenching ache he was causing me. For 18 years we've been married, we've battled this disgusting addiction. I've been to counseling in and out of our church. My husband wasn't going to help himself. He didn't feel what he was doing was wrong or that it was hurting me. We've fought, I've screamed, ignored him and threatened to leave. Years would come and go, some were better than others. Always the porn wedge between us. I can't get closer to him until he changes. He can't see why I have a problem with it. I turned to books. There has to be someone out there with good advice and explanation. This book had that. If you are willing, open minded enough to want to change, you can. This book helps to give examples of actual couples and their struggles to help themselves and each other. Some marriages are better off separating, some got help and changed. Reading this book helped me understand the real damage behind porn. It's real and it's severe. I knew that. But how to get my husband to see what he was doing was not only causing damage to me but to himself was my lost cause, until I found this book and others. I felt like I was the only one trying to save our marriage, because I was. He didn't want to change, seek help, or admit he has a serious addiction. I fought with myself saying it's the last time, I'm leaving him this time, I can't do it anymore. I don't want to. I deserve better than this, because I do. But, I just couldn't leave him, deep in my heart I knew I was the only one to help him. If I left him, he would become worse. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to help him either. So I bought three books. I asked him if he cared enough about me and wanted to change, would he read the books? He agreed. He did read the books. I noticed a change in him as he read the books. I felt he became more aware of his addiction and the damage it caused to himself and to me. I saw him trying harder to please me, like I actually mattered this time. It's been a year since we've read the books. We are still together, because both of us are trying. You can't get lazy in your fight for your marriage. He has had relapses. It's heart crushing to me when he does, but I know now his addiction, it's not my fault and never was. He had it before we were married and I never knew about it until three years into our marriage. I made the choice to help him through this instead of dropping him flat. It is so hard. I know I'm the only one who can help him, I can't Christianly desert him, as badly as I want out of this battle I can't let him fight alone. He will loose. Please if your seeking help, get some books. Educate yourself on the damage porn causes to not just the addicted but their spouses. It took everything I had to give it one last shot. So far, as long as he is honest with me, it's been good between my husband and I. Temptation is real and around every corner. Fight for yourself, spouse, and your marriage. Get control.

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S. Alexander

realistic and pretty modern

Reviewed in the United States 🇺🇸 on September 6, 2012

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I had a hard time finding books that pertained entirely to us. This one fit well. We are spiritual but that's not really what I wanted the focus of a book on this subject to be, rather, what we could use regardless our religious status. This book keeps with today's world in acknowledging not only how we can be hurt by pornography use, but why, without constantly bringing up how your partner has failed in life or sinned, is weak, etc.
The approach, "Yes, you did hurt her, here's why she hurts and why this may have become an issue." but then spends most of the book saying, "You know you hurt her, but let's explain how to make that hurt bring you closer and stick to that by understanding each other." It explains how we think without getting so generalized that it doesn't apply. It explains how we view certain communication and how women and men tend to clash because we take away meanings from our communication that isn't there.
It is a satisfying book because yes, your hurt as the female who has discovered "virtual infidelity" is explored a lot, but so is our potential misunderstanding of his ways to make it right and how we can meet each other in the middle. It is not a one size fits all, it explores many reactions and feelings that may apply to you and your spouse. It's not guilt laden for the males but it does not skirt the issue that their porn has hurt you. It also tries to explain what sends a man to that secret to begin with without excusing it.
I am not completely finished with the book but the only thing I wish it did that I haven't read yet is touch on the topic that there's such a huge divide between women who hurt due to their husband's porn obsession and a society that treats hyper-sexualization as normal and to be conserved. The book certainly addresses that discovering these things are painful and feel like betrayal, but it doesn't mention it can also be a lonely and confusing time simply because it hurts and yet there's an attitude we should just deal with it, it's normal. It does bring up hyper-sexuality within the thoughts of the patients he's treated, but has not discussed how that culture in of itself is confusing. The book certainly does not make it out to be OK and it very clearly brings up reasons why it's not, and it points to a commonality in how people react to it (so it's not just in your head that it hurts) and gives tools for you both to be closer without trying to make him feel even worse.

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